stage-land[1].(舞台)-第7节
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fixed on the idea。
In stage literature of a frivolous nature the lawyer is a very different
individual。 In comedy he is young； he possesses chambers； and he is
married （there is no doubt about this latter fact）； and his wife and his
mother…in…law spend most of the day in his office and make the dull old
place quite lively for him。
He only has one client。 She is a nice lady and affable； but her
antecedents are doubtful； and she seems to be no better than she ought to
bepossibly worse。 But anyhow she is the sole business that the poor
fellow hasis； in fact； his only source of income； and might； one would
think； under such circumstances be accorded a welcome by his family。
But his wife and his mother…in…law； on the contrary； take a violent dislike
to her； and the lawyer has to put her in the coal…scuttle or lock her up in
the safe whenever he hears either of these female relatives of his coming
up the stairs。
We should not care to be the client of a farcical comedy stage lawyer。
Legal transactions are trying to the nerves under the most favorable
circumstances； conducted by a farcical stage lawyer； the business would
be too exciting for us。
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STAGE…LAND。
THE ADVENTURESS。
She sits on a table and smokes a cigarette。 A cigarette on the stage is
always the badge of infamy。
In real life the cigarette is usually the hall…mark of the particularly
mild and harmless individual。 It is the dissipation of the Y。M。C。A。； the
innocent joy of the pure…hearted boy long ere the demoralizing influence
of our vaunted civilization has dragged him down into the depths of the
short clay。
But behind the cigarette on the stage lurks ever black…hearted villainy
and abandoned womanhood。
The adventuress is generally of foreign extraction。 They do not make
bad women in Englandthe article is entirely of continental manufacture
and has to be imported。 She speaks English with a charming little French
accent； and she makes up for this by speaking French with a good sound
English one。
She seems a smart business woman； and she would probably get on
very well if it were not for her friends and relations。 Friends and
relations are a trying class of people even in real life； as we all know； but
the friends and relations of the stage adventuress are a particularly
irritating lot。 They never leave her； never does she get a day or an hour
off from them。 Wherever she goes； there the whole tribe goes with her。
They all go with her in a body when she calls on her young man； and it
is as much as she can do to persuade them to go into the next room even
for five minutes； and give her a chance。 When she is married they come
and live with her。
They know her dreadful secret and it keeps them in comfort for years。
Knowing somebody's secret seems； on the stage； to be one of the most
profitable and least exhausting professions going。
She is fond of married life； is the adventuress； and she goes in for it
pretty extensively。 She has husbands all over the globe； most of them in
prison； but they escape and turn up in the last act and spoil all the poor
girl's plans。 That is so like husbandsno consideration； no thought for
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STAGE…LAND。
their poor wives。 They are not a prepossessing lot； either； those early
husbands of hers。 What she could have seen in them to induce her to
marry them is indeed a mystery。
The adventuress dresses magnificently。 Where she gets the money
from we never could understand； for she and her companions are always
more or less complaining of being 〃stone broke。〃 Dressmakers must be a
trusting people where she comes from。
The adventuress is like the proverbial cat as regards the number of
lives she is possessed of。 You never know when she is really dead。 Most
people like to die once and have done with it； but the adventuress； after
once or twice trying it； seems to get quite to like it； and goes on giving
way to it； and then it grows upon her until she can't help herself； and it
becomes a sort of craving with her。
This habit of hers is； however； a very trying one for her friends and
husbandsit makes things so uncertain。 Something ought to be done to
break her of it。 Her husbands； on hearing that she is dead； go into
raptures and rush off and marry other people； and then just as they are
starting off on their new honeymoon up she crops again； as fresh as paint。
It is really most annoying。
For ourselves； were we the husband of a stage adventuress we should
never； after what we have seen of the species； feel quite justified in
believing her to be dead unless we had killed and buried her ourselves；
and even then we should be more easy in our minds if we could arrange to
sit on her grave for a week or so afterward。 These women are so artful！
But it is not only the adventuress who will persist in coming to life
again every time she is slaughtered。 They all do it on the stage。 They are
all so unreliable in this respect。 It must be most disheartening to the
murderers。
And then； again； it is something extraordinary； when you come to
think of it； what a tremendous amount of killing some of them can stand
and still come up smiling in the next act； not a penny the worse for it。
They get stabbed； and shot； and thrown over precipices thousands of feet
high and； bless you； it does them goodit is like a tonic to them。
As for the young man that is coming home to see his girl； you simply
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STAGE…LAND。
can't kill him。 Achilles was a summer rose compared with him。 Nature
and mankind have not sufficient materials in hand as yet to kill that man。
Science has but the strength of a puling babe against his invulnerability。
You can waste your time on earthquakes and shipwrecks； volcanic
eruptions； floods； explosions； railway accidents； and such like sort of
things； if you are foolish enough to do so； but it is no good your imagining
that anything of the kind can hurt him； because it can't。
There will be thousands of people killed； thousands in each instance；
but one human being will always escape； and that one human being will be
the stage young man who is coming home to see his girl。
He is forever being reported as dead； but it always turns out to be
another fellow who was like him or who had on his （the young man's） hat。
He is bound to be out of it； whoever else may be in。
〃If I had been at my post that day；〃 he explains to his sobbing mother；
〃I should have been blown up； but the Providence that watches over good
men had ordained that I should be laying blind drunk in Blogg's saloon at
the time the explosion took place； and so the other engineer； who had been
doing my work when it was his turn to be off； was killed along with the
whole of the crew。〃
〃Ah； thank Heaven； thank Heaven for that！〃 ejaculates the pious old
lady； and the comic man is so overcome with devout joy that he has to
relieve his overstrained heart by drawing his young woman on one side
and grossly insulting her。
All attempts to kill this young man ought really to be given up now。
The job has been tried over and over again by villains and bad people of
all kinds； but no one has ever succeeded。 There has been an amount of
energy and ingenuity expended in seeking to lay up that one man which；
properly utilized； might have finished off ten million ordinary mortals。 It
is sad to think of so much wasted effort。
He； the young man coming home to see his girl； need never take an
insurance ticket or even buy a _Tit Bits_。 It would be needless
expenditure in his
