stage-land[1].(舞台)-第6节
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clock；〃 〃the old geyser；〃 and such like terms of endearment； and addresses
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STAGE…LAND。
her with such remarks as 〃Ah； you old cat；〃 〃You ugly old nutmeg grater；〃
〃You orangamatang； you！〃 etc。； etc。
Well； you know that is not the way to make things pleasant about a
house。
Still； with all his faults we like the comic man。 He is not always in
trouble and he does not make long speeches。
Let us bless him。
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STAGE…LAND。
THE LAWYER。
He is very old； and very long； and very thin。 He has white hair。 He
dresses in the costume of the last generation but seven。 He has bushy
eyebrows and is clean shaven。 His chin itches considerably； so that he
has to be always scratching it。 His favorite remark is 〃Ah！〃
In real life we have heard of young solicitors； of foppish solicitors； of
short solicitors； but on the stage they are always very thin and very old。
The youngest stage solicitor we ever remember to have seen looked about
sixtythe oldest about a hundred and forty…five。
By the bye； it is never very safe to judge people's ages on the stage by
their personal appearance。 We have known old ladies who looked
seventy； if they were a day； turn out to be the mothers of boys of fourteen；
while the middle…aged husband of the young wife generally gives one the
idea of ninety。
Again； what appears at first sight to be a comfortable…looking and
eminently respectable elderly lady is often discovered to be； in reality； a
giddy； girlish； and inexperienced young thing； the pride of the village or
the darling of the regiment。
So； too； an exceptionally stout and short…winded old gentleman； who
looks as if he had been living too well and taking too little exercise for the
last forty…five years； is not the heavy father； as you might imagine if you
judged from mere external evidence； but a wild； reckless boy。
You would not think so to look at him； but his only faults are that he is
so young and light…headed。 There is good in him； however； and he will
no doubt be steady enough when he grows up。 All the young men of the
neighborhood worship him and the girls love him。
〃Here he comes；〃 they say； 〃dear； dear old JackJack； the darling boy…
…the headstrong youthJack； the leader of our juvenile sportsJack； whose
childish innocence wins all hearts。 Three cheers for dancing； bright…eyed
Jack！〃
On the other hand； ladies with the complexion of eighteen are； you
learn as the story progresses； quite elderly women； the mothers of middle…
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STAGE…LAND。
aged heroes。
The experienced observer of stage…land never jumps to conclusions
from what he sees。 He waits till he is told things。
The stage lawyer never has any office of his own。 He transacts all his
business at his clients' houses。 He will travel hundreds of miles to tell
them the most trivial piece of legal information。
It never occurs to him how much simpler it would be to write a letter。
The item for 〃traveling expenses〃 in his bill of costs must be something
enormous。
There are two moments in the course of his client's career that the
stage lawyer particularly enjoys。 The first is when the client comes
unexpectedly into a fortune； the second when he unexpectedly loses it。
In the former case； upon learning the good news the stage lawyer at
once leaves his business and hurries off to the other end of the kingdom to
bear the glad tidings。 He arrives at the humble domicile of the
beneficiary in question； sends up his card； and is ushered into the front
parlor。 He enters mysteriously and sits leftclient sits right。 An
ordinary； common lawyer would come to the point at once； state the matter
in a plain； business…like way； and trust that he might have the pleasure of
representing； etc。； etc。； but such simple methods are not those of the stage
lawyer。 He looks at the client and says：
〃You had a father。〃
The client starts。 How on earth did this calm； thin； keen…eyed old
man in black know that he had a father？ He shuffles and stammers； but
the quiet； impenetrable lawyer fixes his cold； glassy eye on him； and he is
helpless。 Subterfuge； he feels； is useless； and amazed； bewildered at the
knowledge of his most private affairs possessed by his strange visitant； he
admits the fact： he had a father。
The lawyer smiles with a quiet smile of triumph and scratches his chin。
〃You had a mother； too； if I am informed correctly；〃 he continues。
It is idle attempting to escape this man's supernatural acuteness； and
the client owns up to having had a mother also。
From this the lawyer goes on to communicate to the client； as a great
secret； the whole of his （the client's） history from his cradle upward； and
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STAGE…LAND。
also the history of his nearer relatives； and in less than half an hour from
the old man's entrance； or say forty minutes at the outside； the client
almost knows what the business is about。
On the other occasion； when the client has lost his fortune； the stage
lawyer is even still happier。 He comes down himself to tell the
misfortune （he would not miss the job for worlds）； and he takes care to
choose the most unpropitious moment possible for breaking the news。 On
the eldest daughter's birthday； when there is a big party on； is his favorite
time。 He comes in about midnight and tells them just as they are going
down to supper。
He has no idea of business hours； has the stage lawyerto make the
thing as unpleasant as possible seems to be his only anxiety。
If he cannot work it for a birthday； then he waits till there's a wedding
on； and gets up early in the morning on purpose to run down and spoil the
show。 To enter among a crowd of happy； joyous fellow…creatures and
leave them utterly crushed and miserable is the stage lawyer's hobby。
The stage lawyer is a very talkative gentleman。 He regards the telling
of his client's most private affairs to every stranger that he meets as part of
his professional duties。 A good gossip with a few chance acquaintances
about the family secrets of his employers is food and drink for the stage
lawyer。
They all go about telling their own and their friends' secrets to perfect
strangers on the stage。 Whenever two people have five minutes to spare
on the stage they tell each other the story of their lives。 〃Sit down and I
will tell you the story of my life〃 is the stage equivalent for the 〃Come and
have a drink〃 of the outside world。
The good stage lawyer has generally nursed the heroine on his knee
when a baby （when she was a baby； we mean）when she was only so high。
It seems to have been a part of his professional duties。 The good stage
lawyer also kisses all the pretty girls in the play and is expected to chuck
the housemaid under the chin。 It is good to be a good stage lawyer。
The good stage lawyer also wipes away a tear when sad things happen；
and he turns away to do this and blows his nose； and says he thinks he has
a fly in his eye。 This touching trait in his character is always held in
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great esteem by the audience and is much applauded。
The good stage lawyer is never by any chance a married man。 （Few
good men are； so we gather from our married lady friends。） He loved in
early life the heroine's mother。 That 〃sainted woman〃 （tear and nose
business） died and is now among the angelsthe gentleman who did marry
her； by the bye； is not quite so sure about this latter point； but the lawyer is
fixed on the idea。
In stage literature of a frivolous nature the lawyer is a very different
ind
