grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第4节
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or four poor women sitting at a door； in the sun； talking about the things of God； and being now willing to hear them discourse； I drew near to hear what they said； for I was now a brisk talker also myself； in the matters of religion； but I may say； I HEARD BUT UNDERSTOOD NOT； for they were far above； out of my reach。 Their talk was about a new birth； the work of God on their hearts； also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature； they talked how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus； and with what words and promises they had been refreshed； comforted； and supported； against the temptations of the devil： moreover； they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular； and told to each other； by which they had been afflicted and how they were borne up under his assaults。 They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart； and of their unbelief； and did contemn； slight and abhor their own righteousness； as filthy； and insufficient to do them any good。
38。 And； methought； they spake as if joy did make them speak； they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language； and with such appearance of grace in all they said； that they were to me； as if they had found a new world； as if they were PEOPLE THAT DWELT ALONE； AND WERE NOT TO BE RECKONED AMONG THEIR NEIGHBOURS。 Numb。 xxiii。 9。
39。 At this I felt my own heart began to shake； and mistrust my condition to be naught； for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation； the new…birth did never enter into my mind； neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise； nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart。 As for secret thoughts； I took no notice of them； neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were； nor how they were to be withstood； and resisted； etc。
40。 Thus； therefore； when I had heard and considered what they said； I left them； and went about my employment again； but their talk and discourse went with me； also my heart would tarry with them； for I was greatly affected with their words； both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man； and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one。
41。 Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and again into the company of these poor people； for I could not stay away； and the more I went amongst them； the more I did question my condition； and as I still do remember； presently I found two things within me； at which I did sometimes marvel （especially considering what a blind； ignorant； sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was）。 The one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart； which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted； and the other was a great bending in my mind； to a continual meditating on it； and on all other good things； which at any time I heard or read of。
42。 By these things my mind was now so turned； that it lay like an horse…leech at the vein； still crying out； GIVE； GIVE； Prov。 xxx。 15； yea； it was so fixed on eternity； and on the things about the kingdom of heaven （that is； so far as I knew； though as yet； God knows； I knew but little）； that neither pleasures； nor profits； nor persuasions； nor threats； could loose it； or make it let go its hold； and though I may speak it with shame； yet it is in very deed； a certain truth； it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth； as I have found it often since； to get again from earth to heaven。
43。 One thing I may not omit： There was a young man in our town； to whom my heart before was knit； more than to any other； but he being a most wicked creature for cursing； and swearing； and whoreing； I now shook him off； and forsook his company； but about a quarter of a year after I had left him； I met him in a certain lane； and asked him how he did： he； after his old swearing and mad way； answered； he was well。 But； Harry； said I； WHY DO YOU CURSE AND SWEAR THUS？ WHAT WILL BECOME OF YOU； IF YOU DIE IN THIS CONDITION？ He answered me in a great chafe； WHAT WOULD THE DEVIL DO FOR COMPANY； IF IT WERE NOT FOR SUCH AS I AM？
44。 About this time I met with some Ranters' books； that were put forth by some of our countrymen； which books were also highly in esteem by several old professors； some of these I read； but was not able to make any judgment about them； wherefore as I read in them； and thought upon them （seeing myself unable to judge）； I would betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner。 O LORD； I AM A FOOL； AND NOT ABLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH FROM ERROR： LORD； LEAVE ME NOT TO MY OWN BLINDNESS； EITHER TO APPROVE OF OR CONDEMN THIS DOCTRINE； IF IT BE OF GOD； LET ME NOT DESPISE IT； IF IT BE OF THE DEVIL； LET ME NOT EMBRACE IT。 LORD； I LAY MY SOUL IN THIS MATTER ONLY AT THY FOOT； LET ME NOT BE DECEIVED； I HUMBLY BESEECH THEE。 I had one religious intimate companion all this while； and that was the poor man I spoke of before； but about this time； he also turned a most devilish Ranter； and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness； especially uncleanness： he would also deny that there was a God； angel； or spirit； and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety； when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh the more； and pretend that he had gone through all religions； and could never light on the right till now。 He told me also； that in a little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters。 Wherefore； abominating those cursed principles； I left his company forthwith； and became to him as great a stranger； as I had been before a familiar。
45。 Neither was this man only a temptation to me； but my calling lying in the country； I happened to light into several people's company； who though strict in religion formerly； yet were also swept away by these Ranters。 These would also talk with me of their ways； and condemn me as legal and dark； pretending that they only had attained to perfection； that could do what they would and not sin。 Oh！ these temptations were suitable to my flesh； I being but a young man and my nature in its prime； but God； who had； as I hoped； designed me for better things； kept me in the fear of His name； and did not suffer me to accept such cursed principles。 And blessed be God； Who put it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed； still distrusting my own wisdom； for I have since seen even the effects of that prayer； in His preserving me； not only from Ranting errors； but from those also that have sprung up since。 The Bible was precious to me in those days。
46。 And now methought； I began to look into the Bible with new eyes； and read as I never did before； and especially the epistles of the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me； and indeed I was then never out of the Bible； either by reading or meditation； still crying out to God； that I might know the truth； and way to heaven and glory。
47。 And as I went on and read； I lighted upon that passage； TO ONE IS GIVEN； BY THE SPIRIT； THE WORD OF WISDOM； TO ANOTHER THE WORD KNOWLEDGE BY THE SAME SPIRIT； AND TO ANOTHER FAITH； etc。 1 Cor。 xii。 And though； as I have since seen； that by this scripture the Holy Ghost intends； in special； things extraordinary； yet on me it did then fasten with conviction； that I did want things ordinary； even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had。 On this word I mused； and could not tell what to do； especially this word 'Faith' put me to it； for I could not help it； but sometimes must question； whether I had any faith； or no； but I was loath to conclude； I had no faith； for if I do so； thought I； then I shall count myself a very cast…away indeed。
48。 No； said I； with myself； though I am convinced that I am an ignorant sot； and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other people have； yet at a venture I will conclude； I am not altogether faithless； though I know not what faith is； for it was shewn me； and that too （as I have seen since） by Satan； that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state； have neither rest nor quiet in their souls； and I was loath to fall quite into despair。
49。 Wherefore by this suggestion I was； for a while； made afraid to see my want of faith； but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my soul； but did continually； against this my sad and blind conclusion； create still within me such suppositions； insomuch that I could not rest content； until I did now come to some certain knowledge； whether I had faith or no； this always running in my mind； BUT HOW IF YOU WANT FAITH INDEED？ BUT HOW CAN YOU TELL YOU HAVE FAITH？ And besides； I saw for certain； if I had not； I was sure to perish for ever。
50。 So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business of Faith； yet in a little time； I better considering the matter； was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no。 But alas； poor wretch！ so ignorant and brutish was I； that I knew not to this day no more how to do
