grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第3节

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　returned　with　　great　delight。

22。　　But　the　same　day；　as　I　was　in　the　midst　of　a　game　of　Cat；　and　　having　struck　it　one　blow　from　the　hole；　just　as　I　was　about　to　　strike　it　the　second　time；　a　voice　did　suddenly　dart　from　heaven　　into　my　soul；　which　said；　WILT　THOU　LEAVE　THY　SINS　AND　GO　TO　　HEAVEN；　OR　HAVE　THY　SINS　AND　GO　TO　HELL？　　At　this　I　was　put　to　an　　exceeding　maze；　wherefore　leaving　my　cat　upon　the　ground；　I　looked　　up　to　heaven；　and　was；　as　if　I　had；　with　the　eyes　of　my　　understanding；　seen　the　Lord　Jesus　looking　down　upon　me；　as　being　　very　hotly　displeased　with　me；　and　as　if　He　did　severely　threaten　　me　with　some　grievous　punishment　for　these　and　other　ungodly　　practices。

23。　　I　had　no　sooner　thus　conceived　in　my　mind；　but；　suddenly；　this　　conclusion　was　fastened　on　my　spirit　（for　the　former　hint　did　set　　my　sins　again　before　my　face）；　THAT　I　HAD　BEEN　A　GREAT　AND　GRIEVOUS　　SINNER；　AND　THAT　IT　WAS　NOW　TOO　LATE　FOR　ME　TO　LOOK　AFTER　HEAVEN；　　FOR　CHRIST　WOULD　NOT　FORGIVE　ME；　NOR　PARDON　MY　TRANSGRESSIONS。　　　Then　I　fell　to　musing　on　this　also；　and　while　I　was　thinking　of　it；　　and　fearing　lest　it　should　be　so；　I　felt　my　heart　sink　in　despair；　　concluding　it　was　too　late；　and　therefore　I　resolved　in　my　mind　I　　would　go　on　in　sin：　　for；　thought　I；　if　the　case　be　thus；　my　state　　is　surely　miserable；　miserable　if　I　leave　my　sins；　and　but　　miserable　if　I　follow　them；　I　can　but　be　damned；　and　if　I　must　be　　so；　I　had　as　good　be　damned　for　many　sins；　as　be　damned　for　few。

24。　　Thus　I　stood　in　the　midst　of　my　play；　before　all　that　then　　were　present：　　but　yet　I　told　them　nothing：　　but　I　say；　having　made　　this　conclusion；　I　returned　desperately　to　my　sport　again；　and　I　　well　remember；　that　presently　this　kind　of　despair　did　so　possess　　my　soul；　that　I　was　persuaded　I　could　never　attain　to　other　comfort　　than　what　I　should　get　in　sin；　for　heaven　was　gone　already；　so　that　　on　that　I　must　not　think；　wherefore　I　found　within　me　great　desire　　to　take　my　fill　of　sin；　still　studying　what　sin　was　yet　to　be　　committed；　that　I　might　taste　the　sweetness　of　it；　and　I　made　as　　much　haste　as　I　could　to　fill　my　belly　with　its　delicates；　lest　I　　should　die　before　I　had　my　desire；　for　that　I　feared　greatly。　　In　　these　things；　I　protest　before　God；　I　lye　not；　neither　do　I　feign　　this　form　of　speech；　these　were　really；　strongly；　and　with　all　my　　heart；　my　desires：　　THE　GOOD　LORD；　WHOSE　MERCY　IS　UNSEARCHABLE；　　FORGIVE　ME　MY　TRANSGRESSIONS！

25。　　And　I　am　very　confident；　that　this　temptation　of　the　devil　is　　more　usual　among　poor　creatures；　than　many　are　aware　of；　even　to　　over…run　the　spirits　with　a　scurvy　and　seared　frame　of　heart；　and　　benumbing　of　conscience；　which　frame　he　stilly　and　slily　supplieth　　with　such　despair；　that；　though　not　much　guilt　attendeth　souls；　yet　　they　continually　have　a　secret　conclusion　within　them；　that　there　　is　no　hope　for　them；　FOR　THEY　HAVE　LOVED　SINS；　THEREFORE　AFTER　THEM　　THEY　WILL　GO。　　Jer。　ii。　25；　and　xviii。　12。

26。　　Now　therefore　I　went　on　in　sin　with　great　greediness　of　mind；　　still　grudging　that　I　could　not　be　so　satisfied　with　it；　as　I　　would。　　This　did　continue　with　me　about　a　month；　or　more；　but　one　　day；　as　I　was　standing　at　a　neighbour's　shop　window；　and　there　　cursing　and　swearing；　and　playing　the　madman；　after　my　wonted　　manner；　there　sate　within；　the　woman　of　the　house；　and　heard　me；　　who；　though　she　also　was　a　very　loose　and　ungodly　wretch；　yet　　protested　that　I　swore　and　cursed　at　that　most　fearful　rate；　that　　she　was　made　to　tremble　to　hear　me；　and　told　me　further；　THAT　I　WAS　　THE　UNGODLIEST　FELLOW　FOR　SWEARING；　THAT　SHE　EVER　HEARD　IN　ALL　HER　　LIFE；　AND　THAT　I；　BY　THUS　DOING；　WAS　ABLE　TO　SPOIL　ALL　THE　YOUTH　IN　　THE　WHOLE　TOWN；　IF　THEY　COME　BUT　IN　MY　COMPANY。

27。　　At　this　reproof　I　was　silenced；　and　put　to　secret　shame；　and　　that　too；　as　I　thought；　before　the　God　of　heaven；　wherefore；　while　　I　stood　there；　and　hanging　down　my　head；　I　wished　with　all　my　heart　　that　I　might　be　a　little　child　again；　that　my　father　might　learn　me　　to　speak　without　this　wicked　way　of　swearing；　for；　thought　I；　I　am　　so　accustomed　to　it；　that　it　is　in　vain　for　me　to　think　of　a　　reformation；　for　I　thought　it　could　never　be。

28。　　But　how　it　came　to　pass；　I　know　not；　I　did　from　this　time　　forward；　so　leave　my　swearing；　that　it　was　a　great　wonder　to　myself　　to　observe　it；　and　whereas　before　I　knew　not　how　to　speak　unless　I　　put　an　oath　before；　and　another　behind；　to　make　my　words　have　　authority；　now　I　could；　without　it；　speak　better；　and　with　more　　pleasantness　than　ever　I　could　before。　　All　this　while　I　knew　not　　Jesus　Christ；　neither　did　I　leave　my　sports　and　plays。

29。　　But　quickly　after　this；　I　fell　into　company　with　one　poor　man　　that　made　profession　of　religion；　who；　as　I　then　thought；　did　talk　　pleasantly　of　the　scriptures；　and　of　the　matters　of　religion；　　wherefore　falling　into　some　love　and　liking　to　what　he　said；　I　　betook　me　to　my　Bible；　and　began　to　take　great　pleasure　in　reading；　　but　especially　with　the　historical　part　thereof；　for　as　for　Paul's　　Epistles；　and　such　like　scriptures；　I　could　not　away　with　them；　　being　as　yet　ignorant；　either　of　the　corruptions　of　my　nature；　or　　of　the　want　and　worth　of　Jesus　Christ　to　save　me。

30。　　Wherefore　I　fell　to　some　outward　reformation　both　in　my　words　　and　life；　and　did　set　the　commandments　before　me　for　my　way　to　　heaven；　which　commandments　I　also　did　strive　to　keep；　and；　as　I　　thought；　did　keep　them　pretty　well　sometimes；　and　then　I　should　　have　comfort；　yet　now　and　then　should　break　one；　and　so　afflict　my　　conscience；　but　then　I　should　repent；　and　say；　I　was　sorry　for　it；　　and　promise　God　to　do　better　next　time；　and　there　get　help　again；　　for　then　I　thought　I　pleased　God　as　well　as　any　man　in　ENGLAND。

31。　　Thus　I　continued　about　a　year；　all　which　time　our　neighbours　　did　take　me　to　be　a　very　godly　man；　a　new　and　religious　man；　and　　did　marvel　much　to　see　such　a　great　and　famous　alteration　in　my　　life　and　manners；　and　indeed　so　it　was；　though　yet　I　knew　not　　Christ；　nor　grace；　nor　faith；　nor　hope；　for；　as　I　have　well　seen　　since；　had　I　then　died；　my　state　had　been　most　fearful。

32。　　But；　I　say；　my　neighbours　were　amazed　at　this　my　great　　conversion；　from　prodigious　profaneness；　to　something　like　a　moral　　life；　and　truly；　so　they　well　might；　for　this　my　conversion　was　as　　great；　as　for　Tom　of　Bethlehem　to　become　a　sober　man。　　Now　　therefore　they　began　to　praise；　to　commend；　and　to　speak　well　of　　me；　both　to　my　face；　and　behind　my　back。　　Now　I　was；　as　they　said；　　become　godly；　now　I　was　become　a　right　honest　man。　　But　oh！　when　I　　understood　these　were　their　words　and　opinions　of　me；　it　pleased　me　　mighty　well。　　For；　though　as　yet　I　was　nothing　but　a　poor　painted　　hypocrite；　yet；　I　loved　to　be　talked　of　as　one　that　was　truly　　godly。　　I　was　proud　of　my　godliness；　and　indeed；　I　did　all　I　did；　　either　to　be　seen　of；　or　to　be　well　spoken　of；　by　men：　　and　thus　I　　continued　for　about　a　twelve…month；　or　more。

33。　　Now　you　must　know；　that；　before　this；　I　had　taken　much　delight　　in　ringing；　but　my　CONSCIENCE　beginning　to　be　tender；　I　thought　　such　PRACTICE　was　but　vain；　and　therefore　forced　myself　to　leave　　it；　yet　my　mind　hankered；　wherefore　I　would　go　to　the　steeple…　house；　and　look　on；　though　I　durst　not　ring：　　but　I　thought　this　　did　not　become　religion　neither；　yet　I　forced　myself；　and　would　　look　on　still；　but　quickly　after；　I　began　to　think；　HOW　IF　ONE　OF　　THE　BELLS　SHOULD　FALL？　　Then　I　chose　to　stand　under　a　main　beam；　　that　lay　overthwart　the　steeple；　from　side　to　side；　thinking　here　I　　might　stand　sure；　but　then　I　should　think　again；　should　the　bell　　fall　with　a　swing；　it　might　first　hit　the　wall；　and　then；　　rebounding　upon　me；　might　kill　me　for　all　this　beam；　this　made　me　　stand　in　the　steeple…door；　and　now；　thought　I；　I　am　safe　enough；　　for　if　the　bell　should　now　fall；　I　can　slip　out　behind　these　thick　　walls；　and　so　be　preserved　notwithstanding。

34。　　So　after　this　I　would　yet　go　to　see　them　ring；　but　would　not　　go　any　farther　than　the　steeple…door；　but　then　it　came　into　my　　head；　how　if　the　steeple　itself　should　fall？　　And　this　thought　（it　　may　for　aught　I　know）　when　I　stood　and　looked　on；　did　continually　　so　shake　my　mind；　that　I　durst　not　stand　at　the　steeple…door　any　　longer；　but　was　forced　to　flee；　for　fear　the　steeple　should　fall　　upon　my　head。

35。　　Another　thing　was；　my　dancing；　I　was　a　full　year　before　I　　could　quite　leave　that；　but　all　this　while；　when　I　thought　I　kept　　this　or　that　commandment；　or　did；　by　word　or　deed；　anything　that　I　　thought　was　good；　I　had　great　peace　in　my　conscience；　and　should　　think　with　myself；　God　cannot　choose　but　be　now　pleased　with　me；　　yea；　to　relate　it　in　mine　own　way；　I　thought　no　man　in　ENGLAND　　could　please　God　better　than　I。

36。　　But　poor　wretch　as　I　was！　　I　was　all　this　while　ignorant　of　　Jesus　Christ；　and　going　about　to　establish　my　own　righteousness；　　and　had　perished　therein；　had　not　God　in　mercy　showed　me　more　of　my　　state　by　nature。

37。　　But　upon　a　day；　the　good　providence　of　God　called　me　to　　BEDFORD；　to　work　on　my　calling；　and　in　one　of　the　streets　of　that　　town；　I　came　where　there　were　three　or　four　poor　women　sitting　at　a　　door；　in　the　sun；　talking　about　the　things　of　God；　and　being　now