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she takes up as much room as an elephant: besides I

wouldn't have her; and that was flat。



'I thought my answer was a settler to her: but the next

day she comes weeping to my arms〃Dear Lady

Clapperclaw;〃 says she; 〃it's not for ME; I ask it for my

blessed Blanche! a young creature in her first season;

and not at your ball!  My tender child will pine and die

of vexation。  I don't want to come。  I will stay at home

to nurse Sir Alured in the gout。  Mrs。 Bolster is going;

I know; she will be Blanche's chaperon。〃



'〃You wouldn't subscribe for the Rathdrum blanket and

potato fund; you; who come out of the parish;〃 says I;

〃and whose grandfather; honest man; kept cows there。〃



'〃Will twenty guineas be enough; dearest Lady

Clapperclaw?〃



'〃Twenty guineas is sufficient;〃 says I; and she paid

them; so I said; 〃Blanche may come; but not you; mind:〃

and she left me with a world of thanks。



'Would you believe it?when my ball came; the horrid

woman made her appearance with her daughter!



〃Didn't I tell you not to come?〃 said I; in a mighty

passion。  〃What would the world have said?〃 cries my Lady

Muggins: 〃my carriage is gone for Sir Alured to the Club;

let me stay only ten minutes; dearest Lady Clapperclaw〃



'〃Well as you are here; madam; you may stay and get your

supper;〃 I answered; and so left her; and never spoke a

word more to her all night。



'And now;' screamed out old Lady Clapperclaw; clapping

her hands; and speaking with more brogue than ever; 'what

do you think; after all my kindness to her; the wicked;

vulgar; odious; impudent upstart of s cowboy's

granddaughter; has done?she cut me yesterday in Hy'

Park; and hasn't sent me a ticket for her ball to…night;

though they say Prince George is to be there。'



Yes; such is the fact。  In the race of fashion the

resolute and active De Mogyns has passed the poor old

Clapperclaw。  Her progress in gentility may be traced by

the sets of friends whom she has courted; and made; and

cut; and left behind her。  She has struggled so gallantly

for polite reputation that she has won it: pitilessly

kicking down the ladder as she advanced degree by degree。



Irish relations were first sacrificed; she made her

father dine in the steward's room; to his perfect

contentment: and would send Sir Alured thither like…wise

but that he is a peg on which she hopes to hang her

future honours; and is; after all; paymaster of her

daughter's fortunes。  He is meek and content。  He has

been so long a gentleman that he is used to it; and acts

the part of governor very well。  In the day…time he goes

from the 'Union' to 'Arthur's;' and from 'Arthur's' to

the 'Union。'  He is a dead hand at piquet; and loses a

very comfortable maintenance to some young fellows; at

whist; at the 'Travellers'。'



His son has taken his father's seat in Parliament; and

has of course joined Young England。  He is the only man

in the country who believes in the De Mogynses; and sighs

for the days when a De Mogyns led the van of battle。  He

has written a little volume of spoony puny poems。  He

wears a lock of the hair of Laud; the Confessor and

Martyr; and fainted when he kissed the Pope's toe at

Rome。  He sleeps in white kid…gloves; and commits

dangerous excesses upon green tea。







CHAPTER VIII



GREAT CITY SNOBS



There is no disguising the fact that this series of

papers is making a prodigious sensation among all classes

in this Empire。  Notes of admiration (!); of

interrogation (?); of remonstrance; approval; or abuse;

come pouring into MR。 PUNCH'S box。  We have been called

to task for betraying the secrets of three different

families of De Mogyns; no less than four Lady Scrapers

have been discovered; and young gentlemen are quite shy

of ordering half…a…pint of port and simpering over the

QUARTERLY REVIEW at the Club; lest they should be

mistaken for Sydney Scraper; Esq。  'What CAN be your

antipathy to Baker Street?' asks some fair remonstrant;

evidently writing from that quarter。



'Why only attack the aristocratic Snobs?' says one

'estimable correspondent: 'are not the snobbish Snobs to

have their turn?''Pitch into the University Snobs!'

writes an indignant gentleman (who spelt ELEGANT with two

I's)'Show up the Clerical Snob;' suggests another。

'Being at 〃Meurice's Hotel;〃 Paris; some time since;'

some wag hints; 'I saw Lord B。 leaning out of the window

with his boots in his hand; and bawling out 〃GARCON;

CIREZ…MOI CES BOTTES。〃  Oughtn't he to be brought in

among the Snobs?'



No; far from it。  If his lordship's boots are dirty; it

is because he is Lord B。; and walks。  There is nothing

snobbish in having only one pair of boots; or a favourite

pair; and certainly nothing snobbish in desiring to have

them cleaned。  Lord B。; in so doing; performed a

perfectly natural and gentlemanlike action; for which I

am so pleased with him that I have had him designed in a

favourable and elegant attitude; and put at the head of

this Chapter in the place of honour。  No; we are not

personal in these candid remarks。  As Phidias took the

pick of a score of beauties before he completed a Venus;

so have we to examine; perhaps; a thousand Snobs; before

one is expressed upon paper。



Great City Snobs are the next in the hierarchy; and ought

to be considered。  But here is a difficulty。  The great

City Snob is commonly most difficult of access。  Unless

you are a capitalist; you cannot visit him in the

recesses of his bank parlour in Lombard Street。  Unless

you are a sprig of nobility there is little hope of

seeing him at home。  In a great City Snob firm there is

generally one partner whose name is down for charities;

and who frequents Exeter Hall; you may catch a glimpse of

another (a scientific City Snob) at my Lord N's

SOIREES; or the lectures of the London Institution; of a

third (a City Snob of taste) at picture…auctions; at

private views of exhibitions; or at the Opera or the

Philharmonic。  But intimacy is impossible; in most cases;

with this grave; pompous; and awful being。



A mere gentleman may hope to sit at almost anybody's

tableto take his place at my lord duke's in the

countryto dance a quadrille at Buckingham Palace

itself(beloved Lady Wilhelmina Wagglewiggle! do you

recollect the sensation we made at the ball of our late

adored Sovereign Queen Caroline; at Brandenburg House;

Hammersmith?) but the City Snob's doors are; for the most

part; closed to him; and hence all that one knows of this

great class is mostly from hearsay。



In other countries of Europe; the Banking Snob is more

expansive and communicative than with us; and receives

all the world into his circle。  For instance; everybody

knows the princely hospitalities of the Scharlaschild

family at Paris; Naples; Frankfort; &c。。  They entertain

all the world; even the poor; at their FETES。  Prince

Polonia; at Rome; and his brother; the Duke of Strachino;

are also remarkable for their hospitalities。  I like the

spirit of the first…named nobleman。  Titles not costing

much in the Roman territory; he has had the head clerk of

the banking…house made a Marquis; and his Lordship will

screw a BAJOCCO out of you in exchange as dexterously as

any commoner could do。  It is a comfort to be able to

gratify such grandees with a farthing or two; it makes

the poorest man feel that he can do good。  'The Polonias

have intermarried with the greatest and most ancient

families of Rome; and you see their heraldic cognizance

(a mushroom or on an azure field) quartered in a hundred

places in the city with the arms of the Colonnas and

Dorias。



City Snobs have the same mania for aristocratic

marriages。  I like to see such。  I am of a savage and

envious nature;I like to see these two humbugs which;

dividing; as they do; the social empire of this kingdom

between them; hate each other naturally; making truce and

uniting; for the sordid interests of either。  I like to

see an old aristocrat; swelling with pride of race; the

descendant of illustrious Norman robbers; whose blood has

been pure for centuries; and who looks down upon common

Englishmen as a free American does on a nigger;I like

to see old Stiffneck obliged to bow down his head and

swallow his infernal pride; and drink the cup of

humiliation poured out by Pump and Aldgate's butler。

'Pump and Aldgate; says he; 'your grandfather was a

bricklayer; and his hod is still kept in the bank。  Your

pedigree begins in a workhouse; mine can be dated from

all the royal palaces of Europe。  I came over with the

Conqueror; I am own cousin to Charles Martel; Orlando

Furioso; Philip Augustus; Peter the Cruel; and Frederick

Barbarossa。  I quarter the Royal Arms of Brentford in my

coat。  I despise you; but I want money; and I will sell

you my beloved daughter; Blanche Stiffneck; for a hundred

thousand pounds; to pay off my mortgages。  Let your son

marry h

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