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thousand pounds; to pay off my mortgages。  Let your son

marry her; and she shall become Lady Blanche Pump and

Aldgate。'



Old Pump and Aldgate clutches at the bargain。  And a

comfortable thing it is to think that birth can be bought

for money。  So you learn to value it。  Why should we; who

don't possess it; set a higher store on it than those who

do?  Perhaps the best use of that book; the 'Peerage;' is

to look down the list; and see how many have bought and

sold birth;how poor sprigs of nobility somehow sell

themselves to rich City Snobs' daughters; how rich City

Snobs purchase noble ladiesand so to admire the double

baseness of the bargain。



Old Pump and Aldgate buys the article and pays the money。

The sale of the girl's person is blessed by a Bishop at

St。 George's; Hanover Square; and next year you read; 'At

Roehampton; on Saturday; the Lady Blanche Pump; of a son

and heir。



After this interesting event; some old acquaintance; who

saw young Pump in the parlour at the bank in the City;

said to him; familiarly; 'How's your wife; Pump; my boy?'



Mr。 Pump looked exceedingly puzzled and disgusted; and;

after a pause; said; 'LADY BLANCHE PUMP' is pretty well;

I thank you。'



'OH; I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR WIFE!' said the familiar

brute; Snooks; wishing him good…bye; and ten minutes

after; the story was all over the Stock Exchange; where

it is told; when young Pump appears; to this very day。



We can imagine the weary life this poor Pump; this martyr

to Mammon; is compelled to undergo。  Fancy the domestic

enjoyments of a man who has a wife who scorns him; who

cannot see his own friends in his own house; who having

deserted the middle rank of life; is not yet admitted to

the higher; but who is resigned to rebuffs and delay and

humiliation; contented to think that his son will be more

fortunate。



It used to be the custom of some very old…fashioned clubs

in this city; when a gentleman asked for change a guinea;

always to bring it to him in WASHED SILVER: that which

had passed immediately out of the hands of vulgar being

considered 'as too coarse to soil a gentleman's fingers。'

So; when the City Snob's money has been washed during a

generation or so; has been washed into estates; and

woods; and castles; and town…mansions; it is allowed to

pass current as real aristocratic coin。  Old Pump sweeps

a shop; runs of messages; becomes a confidential clerk

and partner。  Pump the Second becomes chief of the house;

spins more and more money; marries his son to an Earl's

daughter。  Pump Tertius goes on with the bank; but his

chief business in life is to become the father of Pump

Quartus; who comes out a full…blown aristocrat; and takes

his seat as Baron Pumpington; and his race rules

hereditarily over this nation of Snobs。







CHAPTER IX



ON SOME MILITARY SNOBS



As no society in the world is more agreeable than that of

well…bred and well…informed military gentlemen; so;

likewise; none is more insufferable than that of Military

Snobs。  They are to be found of all grades; from the

General Officer; whose padded old breast twinkles over

with a score of stars; clasps; and decorations; to the

budding cornet; who is shaving for a beard; and has just

been appointed to the Saxe…Coburg Lancers。



I have always admired that dispensation of rank in our

country; which sets up this last…named little creature

(who was flogged only last week because he could not

spell) to command great whiskered warriors; who have

faced all dangers of climate and battle; which; because

he has money; to lodge at the agent's; will place him

over the heads of men who have a thousand times more

experience and desert: and which; in the course of time;

will bring him all the honours of his profession; when

the veteran soldier he commanded has got no other reward

for his bravery than a berth in Chelsea Hospital; and the

veteran officer he superseded has slunk into shabby

retirement; and ends his disappointed life on a

threadbare half…pay。



When I read in the GAZETTE such announcements as

'Lieutenant and Captain Grig; from the Bombardier Guards;

to be Captain; vice Grizzle; who retires;' I know what

becomes of the Peninsular Grizzle; I follow him in spirit

to the humble country town; where he takes up his

quarters; and occupies himself with the most desperate

attempts to live like a gentleman; on the stipend of half

a tailor's foreman; and I picture to myself little Grig

rising from rank to rank; skipping from one regiment to

another; with an increased grade in each; avoiding

disagreeable foreign service; and ranking as a colonel at

thirty;all because he has money; and Lord Grigsby is

his father; who had the same luck before him。  Grig must

blush at first to give his orders to old men in every way

his betters。  And as it is very difficult for a spoiled

child to escape being selfish and arrogant; so it is a

very hard task indeed for this spoiled child of fortune

not to be a Snob。



It must have often been a matter of wonder to the candid

reader; that the army; the most enormous job of all our

political institutions; should yet work so well in the

field; and we must cheerfully give Grig; and his like;

the credit for courage which they display whenever

occasion calls for it。  The Duke's dandy regiments fought

as well as any (they said better than any; but that is

absurd)。  The great Duke himself was a dandy once; and

jobbed on; as Marlborough did before him。  But this only

proves that dandies are brave as well as other Britons

as all Britons。  Let us concede that the high…born Grig

rode into the entrenchments at Sobraon as gallantly as

Corporal Wallop; the ex…ploughboy。



The times of war are more favourable to him than the

periods of peace。  Think of Grig's life in the Bombardier

Guards; or the Jack…boot Guards; his marches from Windsor

to London; from London to Windsor; from Knightsbridge to

Regent's Park; the idiotic services he has to perform;

which consist in inspecting the pipeclay of his company;

or the horses in the stable; or bellowing out 'Shoulder

humps!  Carry humps!' all which duties the very smallest

intellect that ever belonged to mortal man would suffice

to comprehend。  The professional duties of a footman are

quite as difficult and various。  The red…jackets who hold

gentlemen's horses in St。 James's Street could do the

work just as well as those vacuous; good…natured;

gentlemanlike; rickety little lieutenants; who may be

seen sauntering about Pall Mall; in high…heeled little

boots; or rallying round the standard of their regiment

in the Palace Court; at eleven o'clock; when the band

plays。  Did the beloved reader ever see one of the young

fellows staggering under the flag; or; above all; going

through the operation of saluting it?  It is worth a walk

to the Palace to witness that magnificent piece of

tomfoolery。



I have had the honour of meeting once or twice an old

gentleman; whom I look upon to be a specimen of army…

training; and who has served in crack regiments; or

commanded them; all his life。  I allude to Lieutenant…

General the Honourable Sir George Granby Tufto; K。C。B。;

K。T。S。; K。H。; K。S。W。; &c。 &c。。  His manners are

irreproachable generally; in society he is a perfect

gentleman; and a most thorough Snob。



A man can't help being a fool; be he ever so old; and Sir

George is a greater ass at sixty…eight than he was when

he first entered the army at fifteen。  He distinguished

himself everywhere: his name is mentioned with praise in

a score of Gazettes: he is the man; in fact; whose padded

breast; twinkling over with innumerable decorations; has

already been introduced to the reader。  It is difficult

to say what virtues this prosperous gentleman possesses。

He never read a book in his life; and; with his purple;

old gouty fingers; still writes a schoolboy hand。  He has

reached old age and grey hairs without being the least

venerable。  He dresses like an outrageously young man to

the present moment; and laces and pads his old carcass as

if he were still handsome George Tufto of 1800。  He is

selfish; brutal; passionate; and a glutton。  It is

curious to mark him at table; and see him heaving in his

waistband; his little bloodshot eyes goating over his

meal。  He swears considerably in his talk; and tells

filthy garrison stories after dinner。  On account of his

rank and his services; people pay the bestarred and

betitled old brute a sort of reverence; and he looks down

upon you and me; and exhibits his contempt for us; with a

stupid and artless candour which is quite amusing to

watch。  Perhaps; had he been bred to another profession;

he would not have been the disreputable old creature he

now is。  But what other?  He was fit for none; too

incorrigibly idle and dull for any trade but this; in

which he has distinguished himself publicly as a good and

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