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Barbara; at Rimini?  He hasn't told you?  Then I'm not at

liberty to speak。  Or the countess; about whom he nearly

had the duel with Prince Witikind of Bavaria?  Perhaps

you haven't even heard about that beautiful girl at

Pentonville; daughter of a most respectable Dissenting

clergyman。  She broke her heart when she found he was

engaged (to a most lovely creature of high family; who

afterwards proved false to him); and she's now in

Hanwell。'



Waggle's belief in his friend amounts to frantic

adoration。  'What a genius he is; if he would but apply

himself!' he whispers to me。  'He could be anything; sir;

but for his passions。  His poems are the most beautiful

things you ever saw。  He's written a continuation of 〃Don

Juan;〃 from his own adventures。  Did you ever read his

lines to Mary?  They're superior to Byron; sirsuperior

to Byron。'



I was glad to hear this from so accomplished a critic as

Waggle; for the fact is; I had composed the verses myself

for honest Wiggle one day; whom I found at his chambers

plunged in thought over a very dirty old…fashioned album;

in which he had not as yet written a single word。



'I can't;' says he。  'Sometimes I can write whole cantos;

and to…day not a line。  Oh; Snob! such an opportunity!

Such a divine creature!  She's asked me to write verses

for her album; and I can't。'



'Is she rich?' said I。  'I thought you would never marry

any but an heiress。'



'Oh; Snob! she's the most accomplished; highly…connected

creature!and I can't get out a line。'



'How will you have it?' says I。  'Hot; with sugar?'



'Don't; don't!  You trample on the most sacred feelings;

Snob。  I want something wild and tender;like Byron。  I

want to tell her that amongst the festive balls; and that

sort of thing; you knowI only think about her; you

knowthat I scorn the world; and am weary of it; you

know; andsomething about a gazelle; and a bulbul; you

know。'



'And a yataghan to finish off with;' the present writer

observed; and we began:



'TO MARY



'I      seem; in the midst of the crowd;

The lightest of all;

My laughter rings cheery and loud;

In banquet and ball。

My lip hath its smiles and its sneers;

For all men to see;

But my soul; and my truth; and my tears;

Are for thee; are for thee!'



'Do you call THAT neat; Wiggle?' says I。  'I declare it

almost makes me cry myself。'



'Now suppose;' says Wiggle; 'we say that all the world is

at my feetmake her jealous; you know; and that sort of

thingand thatthat I'm going to TRAVEL; you know?

That perhaps may work upon her feelings。'



So WE (as this wretched prig said) began again:



'Around me they flatter and fawn

The young and the old;

The fairest are ready to pawn

Their hearts for my gold。

They sue meI laugh as I spurn

The slaves at my knee;

But in faith and in fondness I turn

Unto thee; unto thee!'



'Now for the travelling; Wiggle my boy!'  And I began; in

a voice choked with emotion



'Away! for my heart knows no rest

Since you taught it to feel;

The secret must die in my breast

I burn to reveal;

The passion I may not。 。 。'



'I say; Snob!' Wiggle here interrupted the excited bard

(just as I was about to break out into four lines so

pathetic that they would drive you into hysterics)。  'I

sayahemcouldn't you say that I wasamilitary man;

and that there was some danger of my life?'



'You a military man?danger of your life?  What the

deuce do you mean?'



'Why;' said Wiggle; blushing a great deal; 'I told her I

was going outontheEcuadorexpedition。'



'You abominable young impostor;' I exclaimed。  'Finish

the poem for yourself!' And so he did; and entirely out

of all metre; and bragged about the work at the Club as

his own performance。



Poor Waggle fully believed in his friend's genius; until

one day last week he came with a grin on his countenance

to the Club; and said; 'Oh; Snob; I've made SUCH a

discovery!  Going down to the skating to…day; whom should

I see but Wiggle walking with that splendid womanthat

lady of illustrious family and immense fortune; Mary; you

know; whom he wrote the beautiful verses about。  She's

five…and…forty。  She's red hair。  She's a nose like a

pump…handle。  Her father made his fortune by keeping a

ham…and…beef shop; and Wiggle's going to marry her next

week。'



'So much the better; Waggle; my young friend;' I

exclaimed。  'Better for the sake of womankind that this

dangerous dog should leave off lady…killingthis Blue…

Beard give up practice。  Or; better rather for his own

sake。  For as there is not a word of truth in any of

those prodigious love…stories which you used to swallow;

nobody has been hurt except Wiggle himself; whose

affections will now centre in the ham…and…beef shop。

There ARE people; Mr。 Waggle; who do these things in

earnest; and hold a good rank in the world too。  But

these are not subjects for ridicule; and though certainly

Snobs; are scoundrels likewise。  Their cases go up to a

higher Court。'







CHAPTER XLI



CLUB SNOBS



Bacchus is the divinity to whom Waggle devotes his

especial worship。  'Give me wine; my boy;' says he to his

friend Wiggle; who is prating about lovely woman; and

holds up his glass full of the rosy fluid; and winks at

it portentously; and sips it; and smacks his lips after

it; and meditates on it; as if he were the greatest of

connoisseurs。



I have remarked this excessive wine…amateurship

especially in youth。  Snoblings from college; Fledglings

from the army; Goslings from the public schools; who

ornament our Clubs; are frequently to be heard in great

force upon wine questions。  'This bottle's corked;' says

Snobling; and Mr。 Sly; the butler; taking it away;

returns presently with the same wine in another jug;

which the young amateur pronounces excellent。  'Hang

champagne!' says Fledgling; 'it's only fit for gals and

children。  Give me pale sherry at dinner; and my twenty…

three claret afterwards。'  'What's port now?' says

Gosling; 'disgusting thick sweet stuffwhere's the old

dry wine one USED to get?'  Until the last twelvemonth;

Fledgling drank small…beer at Doctor Swishtail's; and

Gosling used to get his dry old port at a gin…shop in

Westminstertill he quitted that seminary; in 1844。



Anybody who has looked at the caricatures of thirty years

ago; must remember how frequently bottle…noses; pimpled

faces; and other Bardolphian features are introduced by

the designer。  They are much more rare now (in nature;

and in pictures; therefore;) than in those good old

times; but there are still to be found amongst the youth

of our Clubs lads who glory in drinking…bouts; and whose

faces; quite sickly and yellow; for the most part are

decorated with those marks which Rowland's Kalydor is

said to efface。  'I was SO cut last nightold boy!'

Hopkins says to Tomkins (with amiable confidence)。  'I

tell you what we did。  We breakfasted with Jack Herring

at twelve; and kept up with brandy and soda…water and

weeds till four; then we toddled into the Park for an

hour; then we dined and drank mulled port till half…

price; then we looked in for an hour at the Haymarket;

then we came back to the Club; and had grills and whisky

punch till all was blueHullo; waiter!  Get me a glass

of cherry…brandy。'  Club waiters; the civilest; the

kindest; the patientest of men; die under the infliction

of these cruel young topers。  But if the reader wishes to

see a perfect picture on the stage of this class of young

fellows; I would recommend him to witness the ingenious

comedy of LONDON ASSURANCEthe amiable heroes of which

are represented; not only as drunkards and five…o'clock…

in…the…morning men; but as showing a hundred other

delightful traits of swindling; lying; and general

debauchery; quite edifying to witness。



How different is the conduct of these outrageous youths

to the decent behaviour of my friend; Mr。 Papworthy; who

says to Poppins; the butler at the Club:



PAPWORTHY。'Poppins; I'm thinking of dining early; is

there any cold game in the house?'



POPPINS。'There's a game pie; sir; there's cold grouse;

sir; there's cold pheasant; sir; there's cold peacock;

sir; cold swan; sir; cold ostrich; sir;' &c。 &c。 (as the

case may be)。



PAPWORTHY。'Hem!  What's your best claret now; Poppins?…

…in pints; I mean。'



POPPINS。'There's Cooper and Magnum's Lafitte; sir:

there's Lath and Sawdust's St。 Julien; sir; Bung's

Leoville is considered remarkably fine; and I think you'd

like Jugger's Chateau…Margaux。'



PAPWORTHY。'Hum!hah!wellgive me a crust of bread

and a glass of beer。  I'll only LUNCH; Poppins。



Captain Shindy is another sort of Club bore。  He has been

known to throw all the Club in an uproar about the

quality of his mutton…chop。



'Look at it; sir!  Is it cooked; sir?  Smell it; sir!  Is

it meat fit for a gentleman?' he roars out to th

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