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quality of his mutton…chop。



'Look at it; sir!  Is it cooked; sir?  Smell it; sir!  Is

it meat fit for a gentleman?' he roars out to the

steward; who stands trembling before him; and who in vain

tells him that the Bishop of Bullocksmithy has just had

three from the same loin。  All the waiters in the Club

are huddled round the captain's mutton…chop。  He roars

out the most horrible curses at John for not bringing the

pickles; he utters the most dreadful oaths because Thomas

has not arrived with the Harvey Sauce; Peter comes

tumbling with the water…jug over Jeames; who is bringing

'the glittering canisters with bread。'  Whenever Shindy

enters the room (such is the force of character); every

table is deserted; every gentleman must dine as he best

may; and all those big footmen are in terror。



He makes his account of it。  He scolds; and is better

waited upon in consequence。  At the Club he has ten

servants scudding about to do his bidding。



Poor Mrs。 Shindy and the children are; meanwhile; in

dingy lodgings somewhere; waited upon by a charity…girl

in pattens。







CHAPTER XLII



CLUB SNOBS



Every well…bred English female will sympathize with the

subject of the harrowing tale; the history of Sackville

Maine; I am now about to recount。  The pleasures of Clubs

have been spoken of: let us now glance for a moment at

the dangers of those institutions; and for this purpose I

must introduce you to my young acquaintance; Sackville

Maine。



It was at a ball at the house of my respected friend;

Mrs。 Perkins; that I was introduced to this gentleman and

his charming lady。  Seeing a young creature before me in

a white dress; with white satin shoes; with a pink

ribbon; about a yard in breadth; flaming out as she

twirled in a polka in the arms of Monsieur de Springbock;

the German diplomatist; with a green wreath on her head;

and the blackest hair this individual set eyes on

seeing; I say; before me a charming

young woman whisking beautifully in a beautiful dance;

and presenting; as she wound and wound round the room;

now a full face; then a three…quarter face; then a

profilea face; in fine; which in every way you saw it;

looked pretty; and rosy; and happy; I felt (as I trust) a

not unbecoming curiosity regarding the owner of this

pleasant countenance; and asked Wagley (who was standing

by; in conversation with an acquaintance) who was the

lady in question?



'Which?' says Wagley。



'That one with the coal…black eyes;' I replied。



'Hush!' says he; and the gentleman with whom he was

talking moved off; with rather a discomfited air。



When he was gone Wagley burst out laughing。  'COAL…BLACK

eyes!' said he; 'you've just hit it。  That's Mrs。

Sackville Maine; and that was her husband who just went

away。  He's a coal…merchant; Snob my boy; and I have no

doubt Mr。 Perkins's Wallsends are supplied from his

wharf。  He is in a flaming furnace when he hears coals

mentioned。  He and his wife and his mother are very proud

of Mrs。 Sackville's family; she was a Miss Chuff;

daughter of Captain Chuff; R。N。  That is the widow; that

stout woman in crimson tabinet; battling about the odd

trick with old Mr。 Dumps; at the card…table。'



And so; in fact; it was。  Sackville Maine (whose name is

a hundred times more elegant; surely; than that of Chuff)

was blest with a pretty wife; and a genteel mother…in…

law; both of whom some people may envy him。



Soon after his marriage the old lady was good enough to

come and pay him a visitjust for a fortnightat his

pretty little cottage; Kennington Oval; and; such is her

affection for the place; has never quitted it these four

years。  She has also brought her son; Nelson Collingwood

Chuff; to live with her; but he is not so much at home as

his mamma; going as a day…boy to Merchant Taylors'

School; where he is getting a sound classical education。



If these beings; so closely allied to his wife; and so

justly dear to her; may be considered as drawbacks to

Maine's happiness; what man is there that has not some

things in life to complain of?  And when I first knew Mr。

Maine; no man seemed more comfortable than he。  His

cottage was a picture of elegance and comfort; his table

and cellar were excellently and neatly supplied。  There

was every enjoyment; but no ostentation。  The omnibus

took him to business of a morning; the boat brought him

back to the happiest of homes; where he would while away

the long evenings by reading out the fashionable novels

to the ladies as they worked; or accompany his wife on

the flute (which he played elegantly); or in any one of

the hundred pleasing and innocent amusements of the

domestic circle。  Mrs。 Chuff covered the drawing…rooms

with prodigious tapestries; the work of her hands。  Mrs。

Sackville had a particular genius for making covers of

tape or network for these tapestried cushions。  She could

make home…made wines。  She could make preserves and

pickles。  She had an album; into which; during the time

of his courtship; Sackville Maine bad written choice

scraps of Byron's and Moore's poetry; analogous to his

own situation; and in a fine mercantile hand。  She had a

large manuscript receipt…bookevery quality; in a word;

which indicated a virtuous and well…bred English female

mind。



'And as for Nelson Collingwood;' Sackville would say;

laughing; 'we couldn't do without him in the house。  If

he didn't spoil the tapestry we should be 'over…cushioned

in a few months; and whom could we get but him to drink

Laura's home…made wine?'  The truth is; the gents who

came from the City to dine at the 'Oval' could not be

induced to drink itin which fastidiousness; I myself;

when I grew to be intimate with the family; confess that

I shared。



'And yet; sir; that green ginger has been drunk by some

of England's proudest heroes;' Mrs。 Chuff would exclaim。

'Admiral Lord Exmouth tasted and praised it; sir; on

board Captain Chuff's ship; the 〃Nebuchadnezzar;〃 74; at

Algiers; and he had three dozen with turn in the

〃Pitchfork〃 frigate; a part of which was served

out to the men before he went into his immortal action

with the 〃Furibonde;〃 Captain Choufleur; in the Gulf of

Panama。'



All     this; though the old dowager told us the story every

day when the wine was produced; never served to get rid

of any quantity of itand the green ginger; though it

had fired British tars for combat and victory; was not to

the taste of us peaceful and degenerate gents of modern

times。



I see Sackville now; as on the occasion when; presented

by Wagley; I paid my first visit to him。  It was in July…

…a Sunday afternoonSackville Maine was coming from

church; with his wife on one arm; and his mother…ill…law

(in red tabinet; as usual;) on the other。  A half…grown;

or hobbadehoyish footman; so to speak; walked after them;

carrying their shining golden prayer…booksthe ladies

had splendid parasols with tags and fringes。  Mrs。

Chuff's great gold watch; fastened to her stomach;

gleamed there like a ball of fire。  Nelson Collingwood

was in the distance; shying stones at an old horse on

Kennington Common。  'Twas on that verdant spot we met

nor can I ever forget the majestic courtesy of Mrs。

Chuff; as she remembered having had the pleasure of

seeing me at Mrs。 Perkins'snor the glance of scorn

which she threw at an unfortunate gentleman who was

preaching an exceedingly desultory discourse to a

sceptical audience of omnibus…cads and nurse…maids; on a

tub; as we passed by。  'I cannot help it; sir;' says she;

'I am the widow of an officer of Britain's Navy: I was

taught to honour my Church and my King: and I cannot bear

a Radical or a Dissenter。'



With these fine principles I found Sackville Maine

impressed。  'Wagley;' said he; to my introducer; 'if no

better engagement; why shouldn't self and friend dine at

the 〃Oval?〃  Mr。 Snob; sir; the mutton's coming off the

spit at this very minute。  Laura and Mrs。 Chuff' (he said

LAURAR and Mrs。 Chuff; but I hate people who make remarks

on these peculiarities of pronunciation;) 'will be most

happy to see you; and I can promise you a hearty welcome;

and as good a glass of port…wine as any in England。'



'This is better than dining at the 〃Sarcophagus;〃' thinks

I to myself; at which Club Wagley and I had intended to

take our meal; and so we accepted the kindly invitation;

whence arose afterwards a considerable intimacy。



Everything about this family and house was so good…

natured; comfortable; and well…conditioned; that a cynic

would have ceased to growl there。  Mrs。 Laura was all

graciousness and smiles; and looked to as great advantage

in her pretty morning…gown as in her dress…robe at Mrs。

Perkins's。  Mrs。 Chuff fired off her stories about the

'Nebuchadnezzar;' 74; the action between the 'Pitchfork'

and the 'Furibonde'the heroic resistance of Captain

Choufleur; and the quantity

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