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operations than by your side in the carriage; or perched

in wonder upon one of the stools at Shawl and Gimcrack's;

whilst young counter…dandies are displaying their wares。



This sort of husbands should be sent out after breakfast;

and if not Members of Parliament; or Directors of a

Railroad; or an Insurance Company; should be put into

their clubs; and told to remain there until dinner…time。

No sight is more agreeable to my truly regulated mind

than to see the noble characters so worthily employed。

Whenever I pass by St。 James's Street; having the

privilege; like the rest of the world; of looking in at

the windows of 'Blight's;' or 'Foodle's;' or 'Snook's;'

or the great bay at the 'Contemplative Club;' I behold

with respectful appreciation the figures withinthe

honest rosy old fogies; the mouldy old dandies; the

waist…belts and glossy wigs and tight cravats of those

most vacuous and respectable men。  Such men are best

there during the day…time surely。  When you part with

them; dear ladies; think of the rapture consequent on

their return。  You have transacted your household

affairs; you have made your purchases; you have paid your

visits; you have aired your poodle in the Park; your

French maid has completed the toilette which renders you

so ravishingly beautiful by candlelight; and you are fit

to make home pleasant to him who has been absent all day。



Such men surely ought to have their Clubs; and we will

not class them among Club Snobs therefore:on whom let

us reserve our attack for the next chapter。







CHAPTER XXXVIII



CLUB SNOBS



Such a Sensation has been created in the Clubs by the

appearance of the last paper on Club Snobs; as can't but

be complimentary to me who am one of their number。



I belong to many Clubs。  The 'Union Jack;' the 'Sash and

Marlin…spike'Military Clubs。  'The True Blue;' the 'No

Surrender;' the 'Blue and Buff;' the 'Guy Fawkes;' and

the 'Cato Street'Political Clubs。  'The Brummel' and

the 'Regent'Dandy Clubs。  The 'Acropolis;' the

'Palladium;' the 'Areopagus;' the 'Pnyx' the

'Pentelicus;' the 'Ilissus' and the 'Poluphloisboio

Thalasses'Literary Clubs。  I never could make out how

the latter set of Clubs got their names; I don't know

Greek for one; and I wonder how many other members of

those institutions do?

Ever since the Club Snobs have been announced; I observe

a sensation created on my entrance into any one of these

places。  Members get up and hustle together; they nod;

they scowl; as they glance towards the present Snob。

'Infernal impudent jackanapes!  If he shows me up;' says

Colonel Bludyer; 'I'll break every bone in his skin。'  'I

told you what would come of admitting literary men into

the Club;' says Ranville Ranville to his colleague;

Spooney; of the Tape and Sealing…Wax Office。  'These

people are very well in their proper places; and as a

public man; I make a point of shaking hands with them;

and that sort of thing; but to have one's privacy

obtruded upon by such people is really too much。  Come

along; Spooney;' and the pair of prigs retire

superciliously。



As I came into the coffee…room at the 'No Surrender;' old

Jawkins was holding out to a knot of men; who were

yawning; as usual。  There he stood; waving the STANDARD;

and swaggering before the fire。  'What;' says he; 'did I

tell Peel last year?  If you touch the Corn Laws; you

touch the Sugar Question; if you touch the Sugar; you

touch the Tea。  I am no monopolist。  I am a liberal man;

but I cannot forget that I stand on the brink of a

precipice; and if were to have Free Trade; give me

reciprocity。  And what was Sir Robert Peel's answer to

me?  〃Mr。 Jawkins;〃 he said …'



Here Jawkins's eye suddenly turning on your humble

servant; he stopped his sentence; with a guilty look

his stale old stupid sentence; which every one of us at

the Club has heard over and over again。



Jawkins is a most pertinacious Club Snob。  Every day he

is at that fireplace; holding that STANDARD; of which he

reads up the leading…article; and pours it out ORE

ROTUNDO; with the most astonishing composure; in the face

of his neighbour; who has just read every word of it in

the paper。  Jawkins has money; as you may see by the tie

of his neckcloth。  He passes the morning swaggering about

the City; in bankers' and brokers parlours; and says :

'I spoke with Peel yesterday; and his intentions are so

and so。  Graham and I were talking over the matter; and I

pledge you my word of honour; his opinion coincides with

mine; and that What…d'ye…call…um is the only measure

Government will venture on trying。'  By evening…paper

time he is at the Club: 'I can tell you the opinion of

the City; my lord;' says he; 'and the way in which Jones

Loyd looks at it is briefly this: Rothschilds told me so

themselves。  In Mark Lane; people's minds are QUITE made

up。'  He is considered rather a well…informed man。



He lives in Belgravia; of course; in a drab…coloured

genteel house; and has everything about him that is

properly grave; dismal; and comfortable。  His dinners are

in the MORNING HERALD; among the parties for the week;

and his wife and daughters make a very handsome

appearance at the Drawing…Room; once a year; when he

comes down to the Club in his Deputy…Lieutenant's

uniform。



He is fond of beginning a speech to you by saying; 'When

I was in the House; I &c。'in fact he sat for

Skittlebury for three weeks in the first Reformed

Parliament; and was unseated for bribery; since which he

has three times unsuccessfully contested that honourable

borough。



Another sort of Political Snob I have seen at most Clubs

and that is the man who does not care so much for home

politics; but is great upon foreign affairs。  I think

this sort of man is scarcely found anywhere BUT in Clubs。

It is for him the papers provide their foreign articles;

at the expense of some ten thousand a…year each。  He is

the man who is really seriously uncomfortable about the

designs of Russia; and the atrocious treachery of Louis

Philippe。  He it is who expects a French fleet in the

Thames; and has a constant eye upon the American

President; every word of whose speech (goodness help

him!) he reads。  He knows the names of the contending

leaders in Portugal; and what they are fighting about:

and it is he who says that Lord Aberdeen ought to be

impeached; and Lord Palmerston hanged; or VICE VERSA。



Lord Palmerston's being sold to Russia; the exact number

of roubles paid; by what house in the City; is a

favourite theme with this kind of Snob。  I once overheard

himit was Captain Spitfire; R。N。; (who had been refused

a ship by the Whigs; by the way)indulging in the

following conversation with Mr。 Minns after dinner。



Why wasn't the Princess Scragamoffsky at Lady

Palmerston's party; Minns?  Because SHE CAN'T SHOW why

can't she show?  Shall I tell you; Minns; why she can't

show?  The Princess Scragainoffsky's back is flayed

alive; MinnsI tell you it's raw; sir!  On Tuesday last;

at twelve o'clock; three drummers of the Preobajinski

Regiment arrived at Ashburnham House; and at half…past

twelve; in the yellow drawing…room at the Russian

Embassy; before the ambassadress and four ladies'…maids;

the Greek Papa; and the Secretary of Embassy; Madame de

Scragamoffsky received thirteen dozen。  She was knouted;

sir; knouted in the midst of Englandin Berkeley Square;

for having said that the Grand Duchess Olga's hair was

red。  And now; sir; will you tell me Lord Palmerston

ought to continue Minister?'



Minns: 'Good Ged!'



Minns follows Spitfire about; and thinks him the greatest

and wisest of human beings。







CHAPTER XXXIX



CLUB SNOBS



Why does not some great author write 'The Mysteries of

the Club…houses; or St。 James's Street unveiled?'  It

would be a fine subject for an imaginative writer。  We

must all; as boys; remember when we went to the fair; and

had spent all our moneythe sort of awe and anxiety with

which we loitered round the outside of the show;

speculating upon the nature of the entertainment going on

within。



Man is a Dramaof Wonder and Passion; and Mystery and

Meanness; and Beauty and Truthfulness; and Etcetera。

Each Bosom is a Booth in Vanity Fair。  But let us stop

this capital style; I should die if I kept it up for a

column (a pretty thing a column all capitals would be; by

the way)。  In a Club; though there mayn't be a soul of

your acquaintance in the room; you have always the chance

of watching strangers; and speculating on what is going

on within those tents and curtains of their souls; their

coats and waistcoats。  This is a never…failing sport。

Indeed I am told there are some Clubs in the town where

nobody ever speaks to anybody。  They sit in the coffee…

room; quite silent; and watching each other。



Yet how little you can tell from a man's outward

demeanour!  There's a man a

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