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their calamity; it is because they loved rank; and

horses; and plate; and carriages; and COURT GUIDES; and

millinery; and would sacrifice all to attain those

objects。



And who misguides them?  If the world were more simple;

would not those foolish people follow the fashion?  Does

not the world love COURT GUIDES; and millinery; and

plate; and carriages?  Mercy on us!  Read the fashionable

intelligence; read the COURT CIRCULAR; read the genteel

novels; survey mankind; from Pimlico to Red Lion Square;

and see how the Poor Snob is aping the Rich Snob; how the

Mean Snob is grovelling at the feet of the Proud Snob;

and the Great Snob is lording it over his humble brother。

Does the idea of equality ever enter Dives' head?  Will

it ever?  Will the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe (I like a

good name) ever believe that Lady Croesus; her next…door

neighbour in Belgrave Square; is as good a lady as her

Grace?  Will Lady Croesus ever leave off pining the

Duchess's parties; and cease patronizing Mrs。 Broadcloth

whose husband has not got his Baronetcy yet?  Will Mrs。

Broadcloth ever heartily shake hands with Mrs。 Seedy; and

give up those odious calculations about poor dear Mrs。

Seedy's income?  Will Mrs。 Seedy who is starving in her

great house; go and live comfortably in a little one; or

in lodgings?  Will her landlady; Miss Letsam; ever stop

wondering at the familiarity of tradespeople; or rebuking

the insolence of Suky; the maid; who wears flowers under

her bonnet like a lady?



But why hope; why wish for such times?  Do I wish all

Snobs to perish?  Do I wish these Snob papers to

determine?  Suicidal fool; art not thou; too; a Snob and

a brother?







CHAPTER XXXVII



CLUB SNOBS



As I wish to be particularly agreeable to the ladies (to

whom I make my most humble obeisance); we will now; if

you please; commence maligning a class of Snobs against

whom; I believe; most female minds are embitteredI mean

Club Snobs。  I have very seldom heard even the most

gentle and placable woman speak without a little feeling

of bitterness against those social institutions; those

palaces swaggering in St。 James's; which are open to the

men; while the ladies have but their dingy three…windowed

brick boxes in Belgravia or in Paddingtonia; or in the

region between the road of Edgware and that of Gray's

Inn。



In my grandfather's time it used to be Freemasonry that

roused their anger。  It was my grand…aunt (whose portrait

we still have in the family) who got into the clock…case

at the Royal Rosicrucian Lodge at Bungay; Suffolk; to spy

the proceedings of the Society; of which her husband was

a member; and being frightened by the sudden whirring and

striking eleven of the clock (just as the Deputy…Grand…

Master was bringing in the mystic gridiron for the

reception of a neophyte); rushed out into the midst of

the lodge assembled; and was elected; by a desperate

unanimity; Deputy…Grand…Mistress for life。  Though that

admirable and courageous female never subsequently

breathed a word with regard to the secrets of the

initiation; yet she inspired all our family with such a

terror regarding the mysteries of Jachin and Boaz; that

none of our family have ever since joined the Society; or

worn the dreadful Masonic insignia。



It is known that Orpheus was torn to pieces by some

justly indignant Thracian ladies for belonging to an

Harmonic Lodge。  'Let him go back to Eurydice;' they

said; 'whom he is pretending to regret so。'  But the

history is given in Dr。 Lempriere's elegant dictionary in

a manner much more forcible than any

this feeble pen can attempt。  At once; then; and without

verbiage; let us take up this subject…matter of Clubs。



Clubs ought not; in my mind; to be permitted to

bachelors。  If my friend of the Cuttykilts had not our

club; the 'Union Jack;' to go to (I belong to the 'U。J。

and nine other similar institutions); who knows but he

never would be a bachelor at this present moment?

Instead of being made comfortable; and cockered up with

every luxury; as they are at Clubs; bachelors ought to be

rendered profoundly miserable; in my opinion。  Every

encouragement should be given to the rendering their

spare time disagreeable。  There can be no more odious

object; according to my sentiments; than young Smith in

the pride of health; commanding his dinner of three

courses; than middle…aged Jones wallowing (as I may say)

in an easy padded arm…chair; over the delicious novel or

brilliant magazine; or than old Brown; that selfish old

reprobate for whom mere literature has no charms;

stretched on the best sofa; sitting on the second edition

of THE TIMES; having the MORNING CHRONICLE between his

knees; the HERALD pushed in between his coat and

waistcoat; the STANDARD under his arm; the GLOBE under

the other pinion; and the DAILY NEWS in perusal。  'I'll

trouble you for PUNCH; Mr。 Wiggins' says the

unconscionable old gormandiser; interrupting our friend;

who is laughing over the periodical in question。



This kind of selfishness ought not to be。  No; no。  Young

Smith; instead of his dinner and his wine; ought to be;

where?at the festive tea…table; to be sure; by the side

of Miss Higgs; sipping the bohea; or tasting the harmless

muffin; while old Mrs。 Higgs looks on; pleased at their

innocent dalliance; and my friend Miss Wirt; the

governess; is performing Thalberg's last sonata in treble

X。; totally unheeded; at the piano。



Where should the middle…aged Jones be?  At his time of

life; he ought to be the father of a family。  At such an

hoursay; at nine o'clock at nightthe nursery…bell

should have just rung the children to bed。  He and Mrs。

J。 ought to be; by rights; seated on each side of the

fire by the dining…room table; a bottle of port…wine

between them; not so full as it was an hour since。  Mrs。

J。 has had two glasses; Mrs。 Grumble (Jones's mother…in…

law) has had three; Jones himself has finished the rest;

and dozes comfortably until bed…time。



And Brown; that old newspaper…devouring miscreant; what

right has HE at a club at a decent hour of night?  He

ought to be playing his rubber with Miss MacWhirter; his

wife; and the family apothecary。  His candle ought to be

brought to him at ten o'clock; and he should retire to

rest just as the young people were thinking of a dance。

How much finer; simpler; nobler are the several

employments I have sketched out for these gentlemen than

their present nightly orgies at the horrid Club。



And; ladies; think of men who do not merely frequent the

dining…room and library; but who use other apartments of

those horrible dens which it is my purpose to batter

down; think of Cannon; the wretch; with his coat off; at

his age and size; clattering the balls over the billiard…

table all night; and making bets with that odious Captain

Spot!think of Pam in a dark room with Bob Trumper; Jack

Deuceace; and Charley Vole; playing; the poor dear

misguided wretch; guinea points and five pounds on the

rubber!above all; thinkoh; think of that den of

abomination; which; I am told; has been established in

SOME clubs; called THE SMOKING…ROOM;think of the

debauchees who congregate there; the quantities of

reeking whisky…punch or more dangerous sherry…cobbler

which they consume;think of them coming home at cock…

crow and letting themselves into the quiet house with the

Chubb key; think of them; the hypocrites; taking off

their insidious boots before they slink upstairs; the

children sleeping overhead; the wife of their bosom alone

with the waning rushlight in the two…pair frontthat

chamber so soon to be rendered hateful by the smell of

their stale cigars: I am not an advocate of violence; I

am not; by nature; of an incendiary turn of mind: but if;

my dear ladies; you are for assassinating Mr。 Chubb and

burning down Club…houses in St。 James's; there is ONE

Snob at who will not think the worse of you。



The only men who; as I opine; ought to be allowed the use

of Clubs; are married men without a profession。  The

continual presence of these in a house cannot be

thought; even by the most loving of wives; desirable。

Say the girls are beginning to practise their music;

which in an honourable English family; ought to occupy

every young gentlewoman three hours; it would be rather

hard to call upon poor papa to sit in the drawing…room

all that time; and listen to the interminable discords

and shrieks which are elicited from the miserable piano

during the above necessary operation。  A man with a good

ear; especially; would go mad; if compelled daily to

submit to this horror。



Or suppose you have a fancy to go to the milliner's; or

to Howell and James's; it is manifest; my dear Madam;

that your husband is much better at the Club during these

operations than by your side in the carriage; or perched

in wonder upon one of the stools at Shawl and Gimcrack's;

whil

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