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porter was frothy and cool; and the port…wine was worthy

of the gills of a bishop。  I speak with ulterior views;

for there is more in Gray's cellar。



'Well;' says Goldmore; after a pause; during which he

took time to consider the momentous question Gray put to

him' 'Pon my wordnow you say soII haveI really

have had a monsous good dinnah monsous good; upon my

ward!  Here's your health; Gray my boy; and your amiable

lady; and when Mrs。 Goldmore comes back; I hope we shall

see you more in Portland Place。'  And with this the time

came for the play; and we went to see Mr。 Phelps at

Sadler's Wells。  The best of this story (for the truth of

every word of which I pledge my honour) is; that after

this banquet; which Goldmore enjoyed so; the honest

fellow felt a prodigious compassion and regard for the

starving and miserable giver of the feast; and determined

to help him in his profession。  And being a Director of

the newly…established Antibilious Life Assurance Company;

he has had Gray appointed Standing Counsel; with a pretty

annual fee; and only yesterday; in an appeal from Bombay

(Buckmuckjee Bobbachee v。 Ramchowder…Bahawder) in the

Privy Council; Lord Brougham complimented Mr。 Gray; who

was in the case; on his curious and exact knowledge of

the Sanscrit language。



Whether he knows Sanscrit or not; I can't say; but

Goldmore got him the business; and so I cannot help

having a lurking regard for that pompous old Bigwig。







CHAPTER XXXVI



SNOBS AND MARRIAGE



'We Bachelors in Clubs are very much obliged to you;〃

says my old school and college companion; Essex Temple;

'for the opinion which you hold of us。  You call us

selfish; purple…faced; bloated; and other pretty names。

You state; in the simplest possible terms; that we shall

go to the deuce。  You bid us rot in loneliness; and deny

us all claims to honesty; conduct; decent Christian life。

Who are you; Mr。 Snob; to judge us。  Who are you; with

your infernal benevolent smirk and grin; that laugh at

all our generation?



'I will tell you my case;' says Essex Temple; 'mine and

my sister Polly's; and you may make what you like of it;

and sneer at old maids; and bully old bachelors; if you

will。



'I will whisper to you confidentially that my sister was

engaged to Serjeant Shirkera fellow whose talents one

cannot deny; and be hanged to them; but whomwhom I have

always known to be mean; selfish; and a prig。  However;

women don't see these faults in the men whom Love throws

in their way。  Shirker; who has about as much warmth as

an eel; made up to Polly years and years ago; and was no

bad match for a briefless barrister; as he was then。



Have you ever read Lord Eldon's Life?  Do you remember

how the sordid old Snob narrates his going out to

purchase twopence…worth of sprats; which he and Mrs。

Scott fried between them?  And how he parades his

humility; and exhibits his miserable povertyhe who; at

that time; must have been making a thousand pounds a

year?  Well; Shirker was just as proud of his prudence

just as thankful for his own meanness; and of course

would not marry without a competency。  Who so honourable?

Polly waited; and waited faintly; from year to year。  HE

wasn't sick at heart; HIS passion never disturbed his six

hours' sleep; or kept his ambition out of mind。  He would

rather have hugged an attorney any day than have kissed

Polly; though she was one of the prettiest creatures in

the world; and while she was pining alone upstairs;

reading over the stock of half…a…dozen frigid letters

that the confounded prig had condescended to write to

her; HE; be sure; was never busy with anything but his

briefs in chambersalways frigid; rigid; self…satisfied;

and at his duty。  The marriage trailed on year after

year; while Mr。 Serjeant Shirker grew to be the famous

lawyer he is。



'Meanwhile; my younger brother; Pump Temple; who was in

the 120th Hussars; and had the same little patrimony

which fell to the lot of myself and Polly; must fall in

love with our cousin; Fanny Figtree; and marry her out of

hand。  You should have seen the wedding!  Six bridesmaids

in pink; to hold the fan; bouquet; gloves; scent…bottle;

and pocket…handkerchief of the bride; basketfuls of white

favours in the vestry; to be pinned on to the footmen and

horses; a genteel congregation of curious acquaintance in

the pews; a shabby one of poor on the steps; all the

carriages of all our acquaintance; whom Aunt Figtree had

levied for the occasion; and of course four horses for

Mr。 Pump's bridal vehicle。



'Then comes the breakfast; or DEJEUNER; if you please;

with a brass band in the street; and policemen to keep

order。  The happy bridegroom spends about a year's income

in dresses for the bridesmaids and pretty presents; and

the bride must have a TROUSSEAU of laces; satins; jewel…

boxes and tomfoolery; to make her fit to be a

lieutenant's wife。  There was no hesitation about Pump。

He flung about his money as if it had been dross; and

Mrs。 P。 Temple; on the horse Tom Tiddler; which her

husband gave her; was the most dashing of military women

at Brighton or Dublin。



How old Mrs。 Figtree used to bore me and Polly with

stories of Pump's grandeur and the noble company he kept!

Polly lives with the Figtrees; as I am not rich enough to

keep a home for her。



'Pump and I have always been rather distant。  Not having

the slightest notions about horseflesh; he has a natural

contempt for me; and in our mother's lifetime; when the

good old lady was always paying his debts and petting

him; I'm not sure there was not a little jealousy。  It

used to be Polly that kept the peace between us。



'She went to Dublin to visit Pump; and brought back grand

accounts of his doingsgayest man about townAide…de…

Camp to the Lord…LieutenantFanny admired everywhere

Her Excellency godmother to the second boy: the eldest

with a string of aristocratic Christian…names that made

the grandmother wild with delight。  Presently Fanny and

Pump obligingly came to London; where the third was born。



'Polly was godmother to this; and who so loving as she

and Pump now?  〃Oh; Essex;〃 says she to me; 〃he is so

good; so generous; so fond of his family; so

handsome; who can help loving him; and pardoning his

little errors?〃  One day; while Mrs。 Pump was yet in the

upper regions; and Doctor Fingerfee's brougham

at her door every day; having business at Guildhall; whom

should I meet in Cheapside but Pump and Polly?  The poor

girl looked more happy and rosy

than I have seen her these twelve years。  Pump; on the

contrary; was rather blushing and embarrassed。



'I couldn't be mistaken in her face and its look of

mischief and triumph。  She had been committing some act

of sacrifice。  I went to the family stockbroker。  She had

sold out two thousand pounds that morning and given them

to Pump。  Quarrelling was uselessPump had the money; he

was off to Dublin by the time I reached his mother's; and

Polly radiant still。  He was going to make his fortune;

he was going to embark the money in the Bog of AllenI

don't know what。  The fact is; he was going to pay his

losses upon the last Manchester steeple…chase; and I

leave you to imagine how much principal or interest poor

Polly ever saw back again。



'It was more than half her fortune; and he has had

another thousand since from her。  Then came efforts to

stave off ruin and prevent exposure; struggles on all our

parts; and sacrifices; that' (here Mr。 Essex Temple began

to hesitate)'that needn't be talked of; but they are of

no more use than such sacrifices ever are。  Pump and his

wife are abroadI don't like to ask where; Polly has the

three children; and Mr。 Serjeant Shirker has formally

written to break off an engagement; on the conclusion of

which Miss Temple must herself have speculated; when she

alienated the greater part of her fortune。



'And here's your famous theory of poor marriages!' Essex

Temple cries; concluding the above history。  'How do you

know that I don't want to marry myself?  How do you dare

sneer at my poor sister?  What are we but martyrs of the

reckless marriage system which Mr。 Snob; forsooth;

chooses to advocate?'  And he thought he had the better

of the argument; which; strange to say; is not my

opinion。



But for the infernal Snob…worship; might not every one of

these people be happy?  If poor Polly's happiness lay in

linking her tender arms round such a heartless prig as

the sneak who has deceived her; she might have been happy

nowas happy as Raymond Raymond in the ballad; with the

stone statue by his side。  She is wretched because Mr。

Serjeant Shirker worships money and ambition; and is a

Snob and a coward。



If the unfortunate Pump Temple and his giddy hussy of a

wife have ruined themselves; and dragged down others into

their calamity; it is because they loved rank; and

horses; and 

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