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gardener; valet; and bailiff; with Tummus under him;) 'if

YOU'LL come across; John Snapper; and take your coat off;

I'll give you such a whopping as you've never had since

the last time I did it at Guttlebury Fair。'



'Whop one of your own weight;' Mr。 Snapper said;

whistling his dogs and disappearing into the wood。  And

so we came out of this controversy rather victoriously;

but I began to alter my preconceived ideas of rural

felicity。



Notes。



(1) I have since heard that this aristocratic lady's

father was a livery…button maker in St。 Martin's Lane:

where he met with misfortunes; and his daughter acquired

her taste for heraldry。  But it may be told to her

credit; that out of her earnings she has kept the bed…

ridden old bankrupt in great comfort and secrecy at

Pentonville; and furnished her brother's outfit for the

Cadetship which her patron; Lord Swigglebiggle; gave her

when he was at the Board of Control。  I have this

information from a friend。  To hear Miss Wirt herself;

you would fancy that her Papa was a Rothschild; and that

the markets of Europe were convulsed when he went into

the GAZETTE。







CHAPTER XXVIII



ON SOME COUNTRY SNOBS



'Be hanged to your aristocrats!' Ponto said; in some

conversation we had regarding the family at Carabas;

between whom and the Evergreens there was a feud。  'When

I first came into the countyit was the year before Sir

John Buff contested in the Blue interestthe Marquis;

then Lord St。 Michaels; who; of course; was Orange to the

core; paid me and Mrs。 Ponto such attentions; that I

fairly confess I was taken in by the old humbug; and

thought that I'd met with a rare neighbour。  'Gad; Sir;

we used to get pines from Carabas; and pheasants from

Carabas; and it was〃Ponto; when will you come over and

shoot?〃and〃Ponto; our pheasants want thinning;〃and

my Lady would insist upon her dear Mrs。 Ponto coming over

to Carabas to sleep; and put me I don't know to what

expense for turbans and velvet gowns for my wife's

toilette。  Well; Sir; the election takes place; and

though I was always a Liberal; personal friendship of

course induces me to plump for St。 Michaels; who comes in

at the head of the poll。  Next year; Mrs。 P。 insists upon

going to townwith lodgings in Clarges Street at ten

pounds a week; with a hired brougham; and new dresses for

herself and the girls; and the deuce and all to pay。 Our

first cards were to Carabas House; my Lady's are returned

by a great big flunkey; and I leave you to fancy my poor

Betsy's discomfiture as the lodging…house maid took in

the cards; and Lady St。 Michaels drives away; though she

actually saw us at the drawing…room window。  Would you

believe it; Sir; that though we called four times

afterwards; those infernal aristocrats never returned our

visit; that though Lady St。 Michaels gave nine dinner…

parties and four DEJEUNERS that season; she never asked

us to one; and that she cut us dead at the Opera; though

Betsy was nodding to her the whole night?  We wrote to

her for tickets for Almack's; she writes to say that all

hers were promised; and said; in the presence of Wiggins;

her lady's…maid; who told it to Diggs; my wife's woman;

that she couldn't conceive how people in our station of

life could so far forget themselves as to wish to appear

in any such place!  Go to Castle Carabas!  I'd sooner die

than set my foot in the house of that impertinent;

insolvent; insolent jackanapes and I hold him in

scorn!'  After this; Ponto gave me some private

information regarding Lord Carabas's pecuniary affairs;

how he owed money all over the county; how Jukes the

carpenter was utterly ruined and couldn't get a shilling

of his bill; how Biggs the butcher hanged himself for the

same reason; how the six big footmen never received a

guinea of wages; and Snaffle; the state coachman;

actually took off his blown…glass wig of ceremony and

flung it at Lady Carabas's feet on the terrace before the

Castle; all which stories; as they are private; I do not

think proper to divulge。  But these details did not

stifle my desire to see the famous mansion of Castle

Carabas; nay; possibly excited my interest to know more

about that lordly house and its owners。



At the entrance of the park; there are a pair of great

gaunt mildewed lodgesmouldy Doric temples with black

chimney…pots; in the finest classic taste; and the gates

of course are surmounted by the CHATS BOTTES; the well…

known supporters of the Carabas family。  'Give the lodge…

keeper a shilling;' says Ponto; (who drove me near to it

in his four…wheeled cruelty…chaise)。  'I warrant it's the

first piece of ready money he has received for some time。

I don't know whether there was any foundation for this

sneer; but the gratuity was received with a curtsey; and

the gate opened for me to enter。  'Poor old porteress!'

says I; inwardly。  'You little know that it is the

Historian of Snobs whom you let in!'  The gates were

passed。  A damp green stretch of park spread right and

left immeasurably; confined by a chilly grey wall; and a

damp long straight road between two huge rows of moist;

dismal lime…trees; leads up to the Castle。  In the midst

of the park is a great black tank or lake; bristling over

with rushes; and here and there covered over with patches

of pea…soup。  A shabby temple rises on an island in this

delectable lake; which is approached by a rotten barge

that lies at roost in a dilapidated boat house。  Clumps

of elms and oaks dot over the huge green flat。  Every one

of them would have been down long since; but that the

Marquis is not allowed to cut the timber。



Up that long avenue the Snobographer walked in solitude。

At the seventy…ninth tree on the left…hand side; the

insolvent butcher hanged himself。  I scarcely wondered at

the dismal deed; so woful and sad were the impressions

connected with the place。  So; for a mile and a half I

walkedalone and thinking of death。



I forgot to say the house is in full view all the way

except when intercepted by the trees on the miserable

island in the lakean enormous red…brick mansion;

square; vast; and dingy。  It is flanked by four stone

towers with weathercocks。  In the midst of the grand

facade is a huge Ionic portico; approached by a vast;

lonely; ghastly staircase。  Rows of black windows; framed

in stone; stretch on either side; right and leftthree

storeys and eighteen windows of a row。  You may see a

picture of the palace and staircase; in the 'Views of

England and Wales;' with four carved and gilt carriages

waiting at the gravel walk; and several parties of ladies

and gentlemen in wigs and hoops; dotting the fatiguing

lines of stairs。



But these stairs are made in great houses for people NOT

to ascend。  The first Lady Carabas (they are but eighty

years in the peerage); if she got out of her gilt coach

in a shower; would be wet to the skin before she got

half…way to the carved Ionic portico; where four dreary

statues of Peace; Plenty; Piety and Patriotism; are the

only sentinels。  You enter these palaces by back…doors。

'That was the way the Carabases got their peerage;' the

misanthropic Ponto said after dinner。



WellI rang the bell at a little low side…door; it

clanged and jingled and echoed for a long; long while;

till at length a face; as of a housekeeper; peered

through the door; and; as she saw my hand in my waistcoat

pocket; opened it。  Unhappy; lonely housekeeper; I

thought。  Is Miss Crusoe in her island more solitary?

The door clapped to; and I was in Castle Carabas。



'The side entrance and All;' says the housekeeper。  'The

halligator hover the mantelpiece was brought home by

Hadmiral St。 Michaels; when a Capting with Lord Hanson。

The harms on the cheers is the harms of the Carabas

family。'  The hall was rather comfortable。  We went

clapping up a clean stone backstair; and then into a back

passage cheerfully decorated with ragged light…green

Kidderminster; and issued upon



'THE GREAT ALL。



'The great all is seventy…two feet in lenth; fifty…six in

breath; and thirty…eight feet 'igh。  The carvings of the

chimlies; representing the buth of Venus; and Ercules;

and Eyelash; is by Van Chislum; the most famous sculpture

of his hage and country。  The ceiling; by Calimanco;

represents Painting; Harchitecture and Music (the naked

female figure with the barrel horgan) introducing George;

fust Lord Carabas; to the Temple of the Muses。  The

winder ornaments is by Vanderputty。  The floor is

Patagonian marble; and the chandelier in the centre was

presented to Lionel; second Marquis; by Lewy the

Sixteenth; whose 'ead was cut hoff in the French

Revelation。  We now henter



THE SOUTH GALLERY。



'One 'undred and forty…eight in lenth by thirty…two in

breath; it is profusely hornaminted by the choicest works

of Hart。  Sir Andrew Katz; founder of the Carabas family

and banker of the

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