the book of snobs-第24节

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fine　view　of　the　backs　of　the　young　ladies　who　were

performing　the　musical　entertainment。　　Very　broad　backs

they　were　too；　strictly　according　to　the　present　mode；

for　crinoline　or　its　substitutes　is　not　an　expensive

luxury；　and　young　people　in　the　country　can　afford　to　be

in　the　fashion　at　very　trifling　charges。　　Miss　Emily

Ponto　at　the　piano；　and　her　sister　Maria　at　that　somewhat

exploded　instrument；　the　harp；　were　in　light　blue　dresses

that　looked　all　flounce；　and　spread　out　like　Mr。　Green's

balloon　when　inflated。



'Brilliant　touch　Emily　haswhat　a　fine　arm　Maria's　is；'

Mrs。　Ponto　remarked　good…naturedly；　pointing　out　the

merits　of　her　daughters；　and　waving　her　own　arm　in　such　a

way　as　to　show　that　she　was　not　a　little　satisfied　with

the　beauty　of　that　member。　　I　observed　she　had　about　nine

bracelets　and　bangles；　consisting　of　chains　and　padlocks；

the　Major's　miniature；　and　a　variety　of　brass　serpents

with　fiery　ruby　or　tender　turquoise　eyes；　writhing　up　to

her　elbow　almost；　in　the　most　profuse　contortions。



'You　recognize　those　polkas？　　They　were　played　at

Devonshire　House　on　the　23rd　of　July；　the　day　of　the

grand　f？te。'　　So　I　said　yesI　knew　'em　quite　intimately；

and　began　wagging　my　head　as　if　in　acknowledgment　of

those　old　friends。



When　the　performance　was　concluded；　I　had　the　felicity　of

a　presentation　and　conversation　with　the　two　tall　and

scraggy　Miss　Pontos；　and　Miss　Wirt；　the　governess；　sat

down　to　entertain　us　with　variations　on　'Sich　a　gettin'

up　Stairs。'　　They　were　determined　to　be　in　the　fashion。



For　the　performance　of　the　'Gettin'　up　Stairs；'　I　have　no

other　name　but　that　it　was　a　STUNNER。　　First　Miss　Wirt；

with　great　deliberation；　played　the　original　and

beautiful　melody；　cutting　it；　as　it　were；　out　of　the

instrument；　and　firing　off　each　note　so　loud；　clear；　and

sharp；　that　I　am　sure　Stripes　must　have　heard　it　in　the

stable。



'What　a　finger！'　says　Mrs。　Ponto；　and　indeed　it　WAS　a

finger；　as　knotted　as　a　turkey's　drumstick；　and　splaying

all　over　the　piano。　　When　she　had　banged　out　the　tune

slowly；　she　began　a　different　manner　of　'Gettin'　up

Stairs；'　and　did　so　with　a　fury　and　swiftness　quite

incredible。　　She　spun　up　stairs；　she　whirled　up　stairs：

she　galloped　up　stairs；　she　rattled　up　stairs；　and　then

having　got　the　tune　to　the　top　landing；　as　it　were；　she

hurled　it　down　again　shrieking　to　the　bottom　floor；　where

it　sank　in　a　crash　as　if　exhausted　by　the　breathless

rapidity　of　the　descent。　　Then　Miss　Wirt　played　the

'Gettin'　up　Stairs'　with　the　most　pathetic　and　ravishing

solemnity：　plaintive　moans　and　sobs　issued　from　the　keys…

…you　wept　and　trembled　as　you　were　gettin'　up　stairs。

Miss　Wirt's　hands　seemed　to　faint　and　wail　and　die　in

variations：　again；　and　she　went　up　with　a　savage　clang

and　rush　of　trumpets；　as　if　Miss　Wirt　was　storming　a

breach；　and　although　I　knew　nothing　of　music；　as　I　sat

and　listened　with　my　mouth　open　to　this　wonderful

display；　my　CAFFY　grew　cold；　and　I　wondered　the　windows

did　not　crack　and　the　chandelier　start　out　of　the　beam　at

the　sound　of　this　earthquake　of　a　piece　of　music。



'Glorious　creature！　　Isn't　she？'　said　Mrs。　Ponto。

'Squirtz's　favourite　pupilinestimable　to　have　such　a

creature。　　Lady　Carabas　would　give　her　eyes　for　her！　　A

prodigy　of　accomplishments！　　Thank　you；　Miss　Wirt'and

the　young　ladies　gave　a　heave　and　a　gasp　of　admirationa

deep…breathing　gushing　sound；　such　as　you　hear　at　church

when　the　sermon　comes　to　a　full　stop。



Miss　Wirt　put　her　two　great　double…knuckled　hands　round　a

waist　of　her　two　pupils；　and　said；　'My　dear　children；　I

hope　you　will　be　able　to　play　it　soon　as　well　as　your

poor　little　governess。　　When　I　lived　with　the　Dunsinanes；

it　was　the　dear　Duchess's　favourite；　and　Lady　Barbara　and

Lady　Jane　McBeth　learned　it。　　It　was　while　hearing　Jane

play　that；　I　remember；　that　dear　Lord　Castletoddy　first

fell　in　love　with　her；　and　though　he　is　but　an　Irish

Peer；　with　not　more　than　fifteen　thousand　a　year；　I

persuaded　Jane　to　have　him。　　Do　you　know　Castletoddy；　Mr。

Snob？round　towerssweet　place…County　Mayo。　　Old　Lord

Castletoddy　（the　present　Lord　was　then　Lord　Inishowan）

was　a　most　eccentric　old　manthey　say　he　was　mad。　　I

heard　his　Royal　Highness　the　poor　dear　Duke　of　Sussex

（SUCH　a　man；　my　dears；　but　alas！　addicted　to　smoking！）I

heard　his　Royal　Highness　say　to　the　Marquis　of　Anglesey；

〃I　am　sure　Castletoddy　is　mad！〃　but　Inishowan　wasn't　in

marrying　my　sweet　Jane；　though　the　dear　child　had　but　her

ten　thousand　pounds　POUR　TOUT　POTAGE！'



'Most　invaluable　person；'　whispered　Mrs。　Major　Ponto　to

me。　　'Has　lived　in　the　very　highest　society：'　and　I；　who

have　been　accustomed　to　see　governesses　bullied　in　the

world；　was　delighted　to　find　this　one　ruling　the　roast；

and　to　think　that　even　the　majestic　Mrs。　Ponto　bent

before　her。



As　for　my　pipe；　so　to　speak；　it　went　out　at　once。　　I

hadn't　a　word　to　say　against　a　woman　who　was　intimate

with　every　Duchess　in　the　Red　Book。　　She　wasn't　the

rosebud；　but　she　had　been　near　it。　　She　had　rubbed

shoulders　with　the　great；　and　about　these　we　talked　all

the　evening　incessantly；　and　about　the　fashions；　and

about　the　Court；　until　bed…time　came。



'And　are　there　Snobs　in　this　Elysium？'　I　exclaimed；

jumping　into　the　lavender…perfumed　bed。　　Ponto's　snoring

boomed　from　the　neighbouring　bed…room　in　reply。







CHAPTER　XXVI



ON　SOME　COUNTRY　SNOBS



Something　like　a　journal　of　the　proceedings　at　the

Evergreens　may　be　interesting　to　those　foreign　readers　of

PUNCH　who　want　to　know　the　customs　of　an　English

gentleman's　family　and　household。　　There's　plenty　of　time

to　keep　the　Journal。　　Piano…strumming　begins　at　six

o'clock　in　the　morning；　it　lasts　till　breakfast；　with　but

a　minute's　intermission；　when　the　instrument　changes

hands；　and　Miss　Emily　practises　in　place　of　her　sister

Miss　Maria。



In　fact；　the　confounded　instrument　never　stops　when　the

young　ladies　are　at　their　lessons；　Miss　Wirt　hammers　away

at　those　stunning　variations；　and　keeps　her　magnificent

finger　in　exercise。



I　asked　this　great　creature　in　what　other　branches　of

education　she　instructed　her　pupils？　　'The　modern

languages；'　says　she　modestly：　'French；　German；　Spanish；

and　Italian；　Latin　and　the　rudiments　of　Greek　if　desired。

English　of　course；　the　practice　of　Elocution；　Geography；

and　Astronomy；　and　the　Use　of　the　Globes；　Algebra　（but

only　as　far　as　quadratic　equations）；　for　a　poor　ignorant

female；　you　know；　Mr。　Snob；　cannot　be　expected　to　know

everything。　　Ancient　and　Modern　History　no　young　woman

can　be　without；　and　of　these　I　make　my　beloved　pupils

PERFECT　MISTRESSES。　　Botany；　Geology；　and　Mineralogy；　I

consider　as　amusements。　　And　with　these　I　assure　you　we

manage　to　pass　the　days　at　the　Evergreens　not

unpleasantly。'



Only　these；　thought　Iwhat　an　education！　　But　I　looked

in　one　of　Miss　Ponto's　manuscript　song…books　and　found

five　faults　of　French　in　four　words；　and　in　a　waggish

mood　asking　Miss　Wirt　whether　Dante　Algiery　was　so　called

because　he　was　born　at　Algiers；　received　a　smiling　answer

in　the　affirmative；　which　made　me　rather　doubt　about　the

accuracy　of　Miss　Wirt's　knowledge。



When　the　above　little　morning　occupations　are　concluded；

these　unfortunate　young　women　perform　what　they　call

Calisthenic　Exercises　in　the　garden。　　I　saw　them　to…day；

without　any　crinoline；　pulling　the　garden…roller。



Dear　Mrs。　Ponto　was　in　the　garden　too；　and　as　limp　as　her

daughters；　in　a　faded　bandeau　of　hair；　in　a　battered

bonnet；　in　a　holland　pinafore；　in　pattens；　on　a　broken

chair；　snipping　leaves　off　a　vine。　　Mrs。　Ponto　measures

many　yards　about　in　an　evening。　　Ye　heavens！　what　a　guy

she　is　in　that　skeleton　morning…costume！



Besides　Stripes；　they　keep　a　boy　called　Thomas　or　Tummus。

Tummus　works　in　the　garden　or　about　the　pigsty　and

stable；　Thomas　wears　a　page's　costume　of　eruptive

buttons。



When　anybody　calls；　and　Stripes　is　out　of　the　way；　Tummus

flings　himself　like　mad　into　Thomas's　clothes；　and　comes

out　metamorphosed　like　Harlequin　in　the　pantomime。　　To…

day；　as　Mrs。　P。　was　cutting　the　grapevine；　as　the　young

ladies　were　at　the　roller；　down　comes　Tummus　like　a

roaring　whirlwind；　with　'Missus；　Missus；　there's　company

coomin'！'　　Away　skurry　the　young　ladies　from　the　roller；

down　comes　Mrs。　P。　from　the　old　chair；　off　flies　Tummus

to　change　his　clothes；　and　in　an　incredibly　short　space

of　time　Sir　John　Hawbuck；　my　Lady　Hawbuck；　and　Master

Hugh　Hawbuck　are　introduced　into　the　garden　with　brazen

effrontery　by　Thomas；　who　says；　'Please　Sir　Jan　and　my

Lady　to　walk　this　year　way：　I　KNOW　Missus　is　in　the　rose…

garden。'



And　there；　sure　enough；　she　was！



In　a　pretty　little　garden　bonnet；　with　beautiful　curling

ringlets；　with　the　smartest　of　aprons　and　the　freshest　of

pearl…coloured　gloves；　this　amazing　woman　was　in　the　arms

of　her　dearest　Lady　Hawbuc