the book of snobs-第19节

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shillings　on　each　friend　who　sits　down　to　their　table。

People　dine　for　less。　　I　myself　have　seen；　at　my

favourite　Club　（the　Senior　United　Service）；　His　Grace　the

Duke　of　Wellington　quite　contented　with　the　joint；　one…

and…three；　and　half…pint　of　sherry；　nine；　and　if　his

Grace；　why　not　you　and　I？



This　rule　I　have　made；　and　found　the　benefit　of。

Whenever　I　ask　a　couple　of　Dukes　and　a　Marquis　or　so　to

dine　with　me；　I　set　them　down　to　a　piece　of　beef；　or　a

leg…of…mutton　and　trimmings。　　The　grandees　thank　you　for

this　simplicity；　and　appreciate　the　same。　　My　dear　Jones；

ask　any　of　those　whom　you　have　the　honour　of　knowing；　if

such　be　not　the　case。



I　am　far　from　wishing　that　their　Graces　should　treat　me

in　a　similar　fashion。　　Splendour　is　a　part　of　their

station；　as　decent　comfort　（let　us　trust）；　of　yours　and

mine。　　Fate　has　comfortably　appointed　gold　plate　for

some；　and　has　bidden　others　contentedly　to　wear　the

willow…pattern。　　And　being　perfectly　contented　（indeed

humbly　thankfulfor　look　around；　O　Jones；　and　see　the

myriads　who　are　not　so　fortunate；）　to　wear　honest　linen；

while　magnificos　of　the　world　are　adorned　with　cambric

and　point…lace；　surely　we　ought　to　hold　as　miserable；

envious　fools；　those　wretched　Beaux　Tibbs's　of　society；

who　sport　a　lace　dickey；　and　nothing　besides；the

poor　silly　jays；　who　trail　a　peacock's　feather

behind　them；　and　think　to　simulate　the　gorgeous　bird

whose　nature　it　is　to　strut　on　palace…terraces；　and　to

flaunt　his　magnificent　fan…tail　in　the　sunshine！



The　jays　with　peacocks'　feathers　are　the　Snobs　of　this

world：　and　never；　since　the　days　of　Aesop；　were　they　more

numerous　in　any　land　than　they　are　at　present　in　this

free　country。



How　does　this　most　ancient　apologue　apply　to　the　subject

in　hand？the　Dinner…giving　Snob。　　The　imitation　of　the

great　is　universal　in　this　city；　from　the　palaces　of

Kensingtonia　and　Belgravia；　even　to　the　remotest　corner

of　Brunswick　Square。



Peacocks'　feathers　are　stuck　in　the　tails　of　most

families。　　Scarce　one　of　us　domestic　2birds　but　imitates

the　lanky；　pavonine　strut；　and　shrill；　genteel　scream。

O　you　misguided　dinner…giving　Snobs；　think　how　much

pleasure　you　lose；　and　how　much　mischief　you　do　with　your

absurd　grandeurs　and　hypocrisies！　　You　stuff　each　other

with　unnatural　forced…meats；　and　entertain　each　other　to

the　ruin　of　friendship　（let　alone　health）　and　the

destruction　of　hospitality　and　good…fellowshipyou；　who

but　for　the　peacock's　tail　might　chatter　away　so　much　at

your　ease；　and　be　so　jovial　and　happy！



When　a　man　goes　into　a　great　set　company　of　dinner…giving

and　dinner…receiving　Snobs；　if　he　has　a　philosophical

turn　of　mind；　he　will　consider　what　a　huge　humbug　the

whole　affair　is：　the　dishes；　and　the　drink；　and　the

servants；　and　the　plate；　and　the　host　and　hostess；　and

the　conversation；　and　the　company；the　philosopher

included。



The　host　is　smiling；　and　hob…nobbing；　and　talking　up　and

down　the　table；　but　a　prey　to　secret　terrors　and

anxieties；　lest　the　wines　he　has　brought　up　from　the

cellar　should　prove　insufficient；　lest　a　corked　bottle

should　destroy　his　calculations；　or　our　friend　the

carpet…beater；　by　making　some　BEVUE；　should　disclose　his

real　quality　of　greengrocer；　and　show　that　he　is　not　the

family　butler。



The　hostess　is　smiling　resolutely　through　all　the

courses；　smiling　through　her　agony；　though　her　heart　is

in　the　kitchen；　and　she　is　speculating　with　terror　lest

there　be　any　disaster　there。　　If　the　SOUFFLE　should

collapse；　or　if　Wiggins　does　not　send　the　ices　in　time

she　feels　as　if　she　would　commit　suicidethat　smiling；

jolly　woman！



The　children　upstairs　are　yelling；　as　their　maid　is

crimping　their　miserable　ringlets　with　hot　tongs；　tearing

Miss　Emmy's　hair　out　by　the　roots；　or　scrubbing　Miss

Polly's　dumpy　nose　with　mottled　soap　till　the　little

wretch　screams　herself　into　fits。　　The　young　males　of　the

family　are　employed；　as　we　have　stated；　in　piratical

exploits　upon　the　landing…place。



The　servants　are　not　servants；　but　the　before…mentioned

retail　tradesmen。



The　plate　is　not　plate；　but　a　mere　shiny　Birmingham

lacquer；　and　so　is　the　hospitality；　and　everything　else。



The　talk　is　Birmingham　talk。　　The　wag　of　the　party；　with

bitterness　in　his　heart；　having　just　quitted　his

laundress；　who　is　dunning　him　for　her　bill；　is　firing　off

good　stories；　and　the　opposition　wag　is　furious　that　he

cannot　get　an　innings。　　　Jawkins；　the　great

conversationalist；　is　scornful　and　indignant　with　the

pair　of　them；　because　he　is　kept　out　of　court。　　Young

Muscadel；　that　cheap　dandy；　is　talking　Fashion　and

Almack's　out　of　the　MORNING　POST；　and　disgusting　his

neighbour；　Mrs。　Fox；　who　reflects　that　she　has　never　been

there。　　The　widow　is　vexed　out　of　patience；　because　her

daughter　Maria　has　got　a　place　beside　young　Cambric；　the

penniless　curate；　and　not　by　Colonel　Goldmore；　the　rich

widower　from　India。　　The　Doctor's　wife　is　sulky；　because

she　has　not　been　led　out　before　the　barrister's　lady；　old

Doctor　Cork　is　grumbling　at　the　wine；　and　Guttleton

sneering　at　the　cookery。



And　to　think　that　all　these　people　might　be　so　happy；　and

easy；　and　friendly；　were　they　brought　together　in　a

natural　unpretentious　way；　and　but　for　an　unhappy　passion

for　peacocks'　feathers　in　England。　　Gentle　shades　of

Marat　and　Robespierre！　when　I　see　how　all　the　honesty　of

society　is　corrupted　among　us　by　the　miserable　fashion…

worship；　I　feel　as　angry　as　Mrs。　Fox　just　mentioned；　and

ready　to　order　a　general　BATTUE　of　peacocks。







CHAPTER　XXI



SOME　CONTINENTAL　SNOBS



Now　that　September　has　come；　and　all　our　Parliamentary

duties　are　over；　perhaps　no　class　of　Snobs　are　in　such

high　feather　as　the　Continental　Snobs。　　I　watch　these

daily　as　they　commence　their　migrations　from　the　beach　at

Folkestone。　　I　see　shoals　of　them　depart　（not　perhaps

without　an　innate　longing　too　to　quit　the　Island　along

with　those　happy　Snobs）。　　Farewell；　dear　friends；　I　say：

you　little　know　that　the　individual　who　regards　you　from

the　beach　is　your　friend　and　historiographer　and　brother。



I　went　to…day　to　see　our　excellent　friend　Snooks；　on

board　the　'Queen　of　the　French；'　many　scores　of　Snobs

were　there；　on　the　deck　of　that　fine　ship；　marching　forth

in　their　pride　and　bravery。　　They　will　be　at　Ostend　in

four　hours；　they　will　inundate　the　Continent　next　week；

they　will　carry　into　far　lands　the　famous　image　of　the

British　Snob。　　I　shall　not　see　thembut　am　with　them　in

spirit：　and　indeed　there　is　hardly　a　country　in　the　known

and　civilized　world　in　which　these　eyes　have　not　beheld

them。



I　have　seen　Snobs；　in　pink　coats　and　hunting…boots；

scouring　over　the　Campagna　of　Rome；　and　have　heard　their

oaths　and　their　well…known　slang　in　the　galleries　of　the

Vatican；　and　under　the　shadowy　arches　of　the　Colosseum。

I　have　met　a　Snob　on　a　dromedary　in　the　desert；　and

picnicking　under　the　Pyramid　of　Cheops。　　I　like　to　think

how　many　gallant　British　Snobs　there　are；　at　this　minute

of　writing；　pushing　their　heads　out　of　every　window　in

the　courtyard　of　'Meurice's'　in　the　Rue　de　Rivoli；　or

roaring　out；　'Garsong；　du　pang；'　'Garsong；　du　Yang；'　or

swaggering　down　the　Toledo　at　Naples；　or　even　how　many

will　be　on　the　look…out　for　Snooks　on　Ostend　Pier；for

Snooks；　and　the　rest　of　the　Snobs　on　board　the　'Queen　of

the　French。'



Look　at　the　Marquis　of　Carabas　and　his　two　carriages。　　My

Lady　Marchioness　comes　on　board；　looks　round　with　that

happy　air　of　mingled　terror　and　impertinence　which

distinguishes　her　ladyship；　and　rushes　to　her　carriage；

for　it　is　impossible　that　she　should　mingle　with　the

other　Snobs　on　deck。　　There　she　sits；　and　will　be　ill　in

private。　　The　strawberry　leaves　on　her　chariot…panels　are

engraved　on　her　ladyship's　heart。　　If　she　were　going　to

heaven　instead　of　to　Ostend；　I　rather　think　she　would

expect　to　have　DES　PLACES　RESERVEES　for　her；　and　would

send　to　order　the　best　rooms。　　A　courier；　with　his　money…

bag　of　office　round　his　shouldersa　huge　scowling

footman；　whose　dark　pepper…and…salt　livery　glistens　with

the　heraldic　insignia　of　the　Carabasesa　brazen…looking；

tawdry　French　FEMME…DE…CHAMBRE　（none　but　a　female　pen　can

do　justice　to　that　wonderful　tawdry　toilette　of　the

lady's…maid　EN　VOYAGE）and　a　miserable　DAME　DE

COMPAGNIE；　are　ministering　to　the　wants　of　her　ladyship

and　her　King　Charles's　spaniel。　　They　are　rushing　to　and

fro　with　eau…de…Cologne；　pocket…handkerchiefs；　which　are

all　fringe　and　cipher；　and　popping　mysterious　cushions

behind　and　before；　and　in　every　available　corner　of　the

carriage。



The　little　Marquis；　her　husband　is　walking　about　the　deck

in　a　bewildered　manner；　with　a　lean　daughter　on　each　arm：

the　carroty…tufted　hope　of　the　family　is　already　smoking

on　the　foredeck　in　a　travelling　costume　checked　all　over；

and　in　little　lacquer…tip　pod　jean　boots；　an