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shillings on each friend who sits down to their table。

People dine for less。  I myself have seen; at my

favourite Club (the Senior United Service); His Grace the

Duke of Wellington quite contented with the joint; one…

and…three; and half…pint of sherry; nine; and if his

Grace; why not you and I?



This rule I have made; and found the benefit of。

Whenever I ask a couple of Dukes and a Marquis or so to

dine with me; I set them down to a piece of beef; or a

leg…of…mutton and trimmings。  The grandees thank you for

this simplicity; and appreciate the same。  My dear Jones;

ask any of those whom you have the honour of knowing; if

such be not the case。



I am far from wishing that their Graces should treat me

in a similar fashion。  Splendour is a part of their

station; as decent comfort (let us trust); of yours and

mine。  Fate has comfortably appointed gold plate for

some; and has bidden others contentedly to wear the

willow…pattern。  And being perfectly contented (indeed

humbly thankfulfor look around; O Jones; and see the

myriads who are not so fortunate;) to wear honest linen;

while magnificos of the world are adorned with cambric

and point…lace; surely we ought to hold as miserable;

envious fools; those wretched Beaux Tibbs's of society;

who sport a lace dickey; and nothing besides;the

poor silly jays; who trail a peacock's feather

behind them; and think to simulate the gorgeous bird

whose nature it is to strut on palace…terraces; and to

flaunt his magnificent fan…tail in the sunshine!



The jays with peacocks' feathers are the Snobs of this

world: and never; since the days of Aesop; were they more

numerous in any land than they are at present in this

free country。



How does this most ancient apologue apply to the subject

in hand?the Dinner…giving Snob。  The imitation of the

great is universal in this city; from the palaces of

Kensingtonia and Belgravia; even to the remotest corner

of Brunswick Square。



Peacocks' feathers are stuck in the tails of most

families。  Scarce one of us domestic 2birds but imitates

the lanky; pavonine strut; and shrill; genteel scream。

O you misguided dinner…giving Snobs; think how much

pleasure you lose; and how much mischief you do with your

absurd grandeurs and hypocrisies!  You stuff each other

with unnatural forced…meats; and entertain each other to

the ruin of friendship (let alone health) and the

destruction of hospitality and good…fellowshipyou; who

but for the peacock's tail might chatter away so much at

your ease; and be so jovial and happy!



When a man goes into a great set company of dinner…giving

and dinner…receiving Snobs; if he has a philosophical

turn of mind; he will consider what a huge humbug the

whole affair is: the dishes; and the drink; and the

servants; and the plate; and the host and hostess; and

the conversation; and the company;the philosopher

included。



The host is smiling; and hob…nobbing; and talking up and

down the table; but a prey to secret terrors and

anxieties; lest the wines he has brought up from the

cellar should prove insufficient; lest a corked bottle

should destroy his calculations; or our friend the

carpet…beater; by making some BEVUE; should disclose his

real quality of greengrocer; and show that he is not the

family butler。



The hostess is smiling resolutely through all the

courses; smiling through her agony; though her heart is

in the kitchen; and she is speculating with terror lest

there be any disaster there。  If the SOUFFLE should

collapse; or if Wiggins does not send the ices in time

she feels as if she would commit suicidethat smiling;

jolly woman!



The children upstairs are yelling; as their maid is

crimping their miserable ringlets with hot tongs; tearing

Miss Emmy's hair out by the roots; or scrubbing Miss

Polly's dumpy nose with mottled soap till the little

wretch screams herself into fits。  The young males of the

family are employed; as we have stated; in piratical

exploits upon the landing…place。



The servants are not servants; but the before…mentioned

retail tradesmen。



The plate is not plate; but a mere shiny Birmingham

lacquer; and so is the hospitality; and everything else。



The talk is Birmingham talk。  The wag of the party; with

bitterness in his heart; having just quitted his

laundress; who is dunning him for her bill; is firing off

good stories; and the opposition wag is furious that he

cannot get an innings。   Jawkins; the great

conversationalist; is scornful and indignant with the

pair of them; because he is kept out of court。  Young

Muscadel; that cheap dandy; is talking Fashion and

Almack's out of the MORNING POST; and disgusting his

neighbour; Mrs。 Fox; who reflects that she has never been

there。  The widow is vexed out of patience; because her

daughter Maria has got a place beside young Cambric; the

penniless curate; and not by Colonel Goldmore; the rich

widower from India。  The Doctor's wife is sulky; because

she has not been led out before the barrister's lady; old

Doctor Cork is grumbling at the wine; and Guttleton

sneering at the cookery。



And to think that all these people might be so happy; and

easy; and friendly; were they brought together in a

natural unpretentious way; and but for an unhappy passion

for peacocks' feathers in England。  Gentle shades of

Marat and Robespierre! when I see how all the honesty of

society is corrupted among us by the miserable fashion…

worship; I feel as angry as Mrs。 Fox just mentioned; and

ready to order a general BATTUE of peacocks。







CHAPTER XXI



SOME CONTINENTAL SNOBS



Now that September has come; and all our Parliamentary

duties are over; perhaps no class of Snobs are in such

high feather as the Continental Snobs。  I watch these

daily as they commence their migrations from the beach at

Folkestone。  I see shoals of them depart (not perhaps

without an innate longing too to quit the Island along

with those happy Snobs)。  Farewell; dear friends; I say:

you little know that the individual who regards you from

the beach is your friend and historiographer and brother。



I went to…day to see our excellent friend Snooks; on

board the 'Queen of the French;' many scores of Snobs

were there; on the deck of that fine ship; marching forth

in their pride and bravery。  They will be at Ostend in

four hours; they will inundate the Continent next week;

they will carry into far lands the famous image of the

British Snob。  I shall not see thembut am with them in

spirit: and indeed there is hardly a country in the known

and civilized world in which these eyes have not beheld

them。



I have seen Snobs; in pink coats and hunting…boots;

scouring over the Campagna of Rome; and have heard their

oaths and their well…known slang in the galleries of the

Vatican; and under the shadowy arches of the Colosseum。

I have met a Snob on a dromedary in the desert; and

picnicking under the Pyramid of Cheops。  I like to think

how many gallant British Snobs there are; at this minute

of writing; pushing their heads out of every window in

the courtyard of 'Meurice's' in the Rue de Rivoli; or

roaring out; 'Garsong; du pang;' 'Garsong; du Yang;' or

swaggering down the Toledo at Naples; or even how many

will be on the look…out for Snooks on Ostend Pier;for

Snooks; and the rest of the Snobs on board the 'Queen of

the French。'



Look at the Marquis of Carabas and his two carriages。  My

Lady Marchioness comes on board; looks round with that

happy air of mingled terror and impertinence which

distinguishes her ladyship; and rushes to her carriage;

for it is impossible that she should mingle with the

other Snobs on deck。  There she sits; and will be ill in

private。  The strawberry leaves on her chariot…panels are

engraved on her ladyship's heart。  If she were going to

heaven instead of to Ostend; I rather think she would

expect to have DES PLACES RESERVEES for her; and would

send to order the best rooms。  A courier; with his money…

bag of office round his shouldersa huge scowling

footman; whose dark pepper…and…salt livery glistens with

the heraldic insignia of the Carabasesa brazen…looking;

tawdry French FEMME…DE…CHAMBRE (none but a female pen can

do justice to that wonderful tawdry toilette of the

lady's…maid EN VOYAGE)and a miserable DAME DE

COMPAGNIE; are ministering to the wants of her ladyship

and her King Charles's spaniel。  They are rushing to and

fro with eau…de…Cologne; pocket…handkerchiefs; which are

all fringe and cipher; and popping mysterious cushions

behind and before; and in every available corner of the

carriage。



The little Marquis; her husband is walking about the deck

in a bewildered manner; with a lean daughter on each arm:

the carroty…tufted hope of the family is already smoking

on the foredeck in a travelling costume checked all over;

and in little lacquer…tip pod jean boots; an

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