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A man who entertains in this wayand; alas; how few do

not!is like a fellow who would borrow his neighbour's

coat to make a show in; or a lady who flaunts in the

diamonds from next doora humbug; in a word; and amongst

the Snobs he must be set down。



A man who goes out of his natural sphere of society to

ask Lords; Generals; Aldermen; and other persons of

fashion; but is niggardly of his hospitality towards his

own equals; is a Dinner…giving Snob。  My dear friend;

Jack Tufthunt; for example; knows ONE Lord whom he met at

a watering…place: old Lord Mumble; who is as toothless as

a three…months…old baby; and as mum as an undertaker; and

as dull aswell; we will not particularise。  Tufthunt

never has a dinner now but you see this solemn old

toothless patrician at the right…hand of Mrs。 Tufthunt

Tufthunt is a Dinner…giving Snob。



Old Livermore; old Soy; old Chutney; the East Indian

Director; old Cutler; the Surgeon; &c。;that society of

old fogies; in fine; who give each other dinners round

and round; and dine for the mere purpose of guttling

these; again; are Dinner…giving Snobs。



Again; my friend Lady MacScrew; who has three grenadier

flunkeys in lace round the table; and serves up a scrag…

of…mutton on silver; and dribbles you out bad sherry and

port by thimblefuls; is a Dinner…giving Snob of the other

sort; and I confess; for my part; I would rather dine

with old Livermore or old Soy than with her Ladyship。



Stinginess is snobbish。  Ostentation is snobbish。  Too

great profusion is snobbish。  Tuft…hunting is snobbish。

But I own there are people more snobbish than all those

whose defects are above mentioned: viz。; those

individuals who can; and don't give dinners at all。  The

man without hospitality shall never sit SUB IISDEM

TRABIBUS with ME。  Let the sordid wretch go mumble his

bone alone!



What; again; is true hospitality?  Alas; my dear friends

and brother Snobs! how little do we meet of it after all!

Are the motives PURE which induce your friends to ask you

to dinner?  This has often come across me。  Does your

entertainer want something from you?  For instance; I am

not of a suspicious turn; but it IS a fact that when

Hookey is bringing out a new work; he asks the critics

all round to dinner; that when Walker has got his picture

ready for the Exhibition; he somehow grows exceedingly

hospitable; and has his friends of the press to a quiet

cutlet and a glass of Sillery。  Old Hunks; the miser; who

died lately (leaving his money to his housekeeper) lived

many years on the fat of the land; by simply taking down;

at all his friends'; the names and Christian names OF ALL

THE CHILDREN。  But though you may have your own opinion

about the hospitality of your acquaintances; and though

men who ask you from sordid motives are most decidedly

Dinner…giving Snobs; it is best not to inquire into their

motives too keenly。  Be not too curious about the mouth

of a gift…horse。  After all; a man does not intend to

insult you by asking you to dinner。



Though; for that matter; I know some characters about

town who actually consider themselves injured and

insulted if the dinner or the company is not to their

liking。  There is Guttleton; who dines at home off a

shilling's…worth of beef from the cookshop; but if he is

asked to dine at a house where there are not pease at the

end of May; or cucumbers in March along with the turbot;

thinks himself insulted by being invited。  'Good Ged!'

says he; 'what the deuce do the Forkers mean by asking ME

to a family dinner?  I can get mutton at home;' or 'What

infernal impertinence it is of the Spooners to get

ENTREES from the pastrycook's; and fancy that I am to be

deceived with their stories about their French cook!'

Then; again; there is Jack PuddingtonI saw that honest

fellow t'other day quite in a rage; because; as chance

would have it; Sir John Carver asked him to meet the very

same party he had met at Colonel Cramley's the day

before; and he had not got up a new set of stories to

entertain them。  Poor Dinner…giving Snobs! you don't know

what small thanks you get for all your pains and money!

How we Dining…out Snobs sneer at your cookery; and pooh…

pooh your old hock; and are incredulous about your four…

and…six…penny champagne; and know that the side…dishes of

to…day are RECHAUFFES from the dinner of yesterday; and

mark how certain dishes are whisked off the table

untasted; so that they may figure at the banquet

tomorrow。  Whenever; for my part; I see the head man

particularly anxious to ESCAMOTER a fricandeau or a

blanc…mange; I always call out; and insist upon

massacring it with a spoon。  All this sort of conduct

makes one popular with the Dinner…giving Snob。  One

friend of mine; I know; has made a prodigious sensation

in good society; by announcing apropos of certain dishes

when offered to him; that he never eats aspic except at

Lord Tittup's; and that Lady Jimmy's CHEF is the only man

in London who knows how to dressFILET EN SERPENTEAUor

SUPREME DE VOLAILLE AUX TRUFFES。







CHAPTER XX



DINNER…GIVING SNOBS FURTHER CONSIDERED



If my friends would but follow the present prevailing

fashion; I think they ought to give me a testimonial for

the paper on Dinner…giving Snobs; which I am now writing。

What do you say now to a handsome comfortable dinner…

service of plate (NOT including plates; for I hold silver

plates to be sheer wantonness; and would almost as soon

think of silver teacups); a couple of neat teapots; a

coffeepot; trays; &c。; with a little inscription to my

wife; Mrs。 Snob; and a half…score of silver tankards for

the little Snoblings; to glitter on the homely table

where they partake of their quotidian mutton?



If I had my way; and my plans could be carried out;

dinner…giving would increase as much on the one hand as

dinner…giving Snobbishness would diminish:to my mind

the most amiable part of the work lately published by my

esteemed friend (if upon a very brief acquaintance he

will allow me to call him so); Alexis Soyer; the

regeneratorwhat he (in his noble style) would call the

most succulent; savoury; and elegant passagesare those

which relate; not to the grand banquets and ceremonial

dinners; but to his 'dinners at home。'



The 'dinner at home' ought to be the centre of the whole

system of dinner…giving。  Your usual style of mealthat

is; plenteous; comfortable; and in its perfectionshould

be that to which you welcome your friends; as it is that

of which you partake yourself。



For; towards what woman in the world do I entertain a

higher regard than towards the beloved partner of my

existence; Mrs。 Snob?  Who should have a greater place in

my affections than her six brothers (three or four of

whom we are pretty sure will favour us with their company

at seven o'clock); or her angelic mother; my own valued

mother…in…law?for whom; finally; would I wish to cater

more generously than for your very humble servant; the

present writer?  Now; nobody supposes that the Birmingham

plate is had out; the disguised carpet…beaters introduced

to the exclusion of the neat parlour…maid; the miserable

ENTREES from the pastrycook's ordered in; and the

children packed off (as it is supposed) to the nursery;

but really only to the staircase; down which they slide

during the dinner…time; waylaying the dishes as they come

out; and fingering the round bumps on the jellies; and

the forced…meat balls in the soup;nobody; I say;

supposes that a dinner at home is characterized by the

horrible ceremony; the foolish makeshifts; the mean pomp

and ostentation which distinguish our banquets on grand

field…days。



Such a notion is monstrous。  I would as soon think of

having my dearest Bessy sitting opposite me in a turban

and bird of paradise; and showing her jolly mottled arms

out of blond sleeves in her famous red satin gown: ay; or

of having Mr。 Toole every day; in a white waistcoat; at

my back; shouting; 'Silence FAW the chair!'



Now; if this be the case; if the Brummagem…plate pomp and

the processions of disguised footmen are odious and

foolish in everyday life; why not always?  Why should

Jones and I; who are in the middle rank; alter the modes

of our being to assume an ECLAT which does not belong to

usto entertain our friends; who (if we are worth

anything and honest fellows at bottom;) are men of the

middle rank too; who are not in the least deceived by our

temporary splendour; and who play off exactly the same

absurd trick upon us when they ask us to dine?



If it be pleasant to dine with your friends; as all

persons with good stomachs and kindly hearts will; I

presume; allow it to be; it is better to dine twice than

to dine once。  It is impossible for men of small means to

be continually spending five…and…twenty or thirty

shillings on each friend who sits down to their table。

People dine for less。  I my

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