armadale-第25节

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seventeen　when　I　found　myself　out　on　the　world　again。　I　had　no
friends　to　receive　me；　I　had　no　place　to　go　to。　A　sailor's　life；
after　what　had　happened；　was　a　life　I　recoiled　from　in　disgust。　I
stood　in　the　crowd　on　the　bridge　at　Bristol；　wondering　what　I
should　do　with　my　freedom　now　I　had　got　it　back。　Whether　I　had
altered　in　the　prison；　or　whether　I　was　feeling　the　change　in
character　that　comes　with　coming　manhood；　I　don't　know；　but　the
old　reckless　enjoyment　of　the　old　vagabond　life　seemed　quite　worn
out　of　my　nature。　An　awful　sense　of　loneliness　kept　me　wandering
about　Bristol；　in　horror　of　the　quiet　country；　till　after
nightfall。　I　looked　at　the　lights　kindling　in　the　parlor　windows；
with　a　miserable　envy　of　the　happy　people　inside。　A　word　of
advice　would　have　been　worth　something　to　me　at　that　time。　Well！
I　got　it：　a　policeman　advised　me　to　move　on。　He　was　quite　right；
what　else　could　I　do？　I　looked　up　at　the　sky；　and　there　was　my
old　friend　of　many　a　night's　watch　at　sea；　the　north　star。　'All
points　of　the　compass　are　alike　to　me；'　I　thought　to　myself；
'I'll　go　_your_　way。'　Not　even　the　star　would　keep　me　company
that　night。　It　got　behind　a　cloud；　and　left　me　alone　in　the　rain
and　darkness。　I　groped　my　way　to　a　cart…shed；　fell　asleep；　and
dreamed　of　old　times；　when　I　served　my　gypsy　master　and　lived
with　the　dogs。　God！　what　I　would　have　given　when　I　woke　to　have
felt　Tommy's　little　cold　muzzle　in　my　hand！　Why　am　I　dwelling　on
these　things？　Why　don't　I　get　on　to　the　end？　You　shouldn't
encourage　me；　sir；　by　listening；　so　patiently。　After　a　week　more
of　wandering；　without　hope　to　help　me；　or　prospects　to　look　to；　I
found　myself　in　the　streets　of　Shrewsbury；　staring　in　at　the
windows　of　a　book…seller's　shop。　An　old　man　came　to　the　shop
door；　looked　about　him；　and　saw　me。　'Do　you　want　a　job？'　he
asked。　'And　are　you　not　above　doing　it　cheap？'　The　prospect　of
having　something　to　do；　and　some　human　creature　to　speak　a　word
to；　tempted　me；　and　I　did　a　day's　dirty　work　in　the　book…seller's
warehouse　for　a　shilling。　More　work　followed　at　the　same　rate。　In
a　week　I　was　promoted　to　sweep　out　the　shop　and　put　up　the
shutters。　In　no　very　long　time　after；　I　was　trusted　to　carry　the
books　out；　and　when　quarter…day　came；　and　the　shop…man　left；　I
took　his　place。　Wonderful　luck！　you　will　say；　here　I　had　found　my
way　to　a　friend　at　last。　I　had　found　my　way　to　one　of　the　most
merciless　misers　in　England；　and　I　had　risen　in　the　little　world
of　Shrewsbury　by　the　purely　commercial　process　of　underselling
all　my　competitors。　The　job　in　the　warehouse　had　been　declined　at
the　price　by　every　idle　man　in　the　town；　and　I　did　it。　The
regular　porter　received　his　weekly　pittance　under　weekly　protest。
I　took　two　shillings　less；　and　made　no　complaint。　The　shop…man
gave　warning　on　the　ground　that　he　was　underfed　as　well　as
underpaid　。　I　received　half　his　salary；　and　lived　contentedly　on
his　reversionary　scraps。　Never　were　two　men　so　well　suited　to
each　other　as　that　book…seller　and　I。　_His_　one　object　in　life
was　to　find　somebody　who　would　work　for　him　at　starvation　wages。
_My_　one　object　in　life　was　to　find　somebody　who　would　give　me　an
asylum　over　my　head。　Without　a　single　sympathy　in　commonwithout
a　vestige　of　feeling　of　any　sort；　hostile　or　friendly；　growing　up
between　us　on　either　sidewithout　wishing　each　other　good…night
when　we　parted　on　the　house　stairs；　or　good…morning　when　we　met
at　the　shop　counter；　we　lived　alone　in　that　house；　strangers　from
first　to　last；　for　two　whole　years。　　A　dismal　existence　for　a　lad
of　my　age；　was　it　not？　You　are　a　clergyman　and　a　scholarsurely
you　can　guess　what　made　the　life　endurable　to　me？〃

Mr。　Brock　remembered　the　well…worn　volumes　which　had　been　found
in　the　usher's　bag。　〃The　books　made　it　endurable　to　you；〃　he
said。

The　eyes　of　the　castaway　kindled　with　a　new　light。

〃Yes！〃　he　said；　〃the　booksthe　generous　friends　who　met　me
without　suspicionthe　merciful　masters　who　never　used　me　ill！
The　only　years　of　my　life　that　I　can　look　back　on　with　something
like　pride　are　the　years　I　passed　in　the　miser's　house。　The　only
unalloyed　pleasure　I　have　ever　tasted　is　the　pleasure　that　I
found　for　myself　on　the　miser's　shelves。　Early　and　late；　through
the　long　winter　nights　and　the　quiet　summer　days；　I　drank　at　the
fountain　of　knowledge；　and　never　wearied　of　the　draught。　There
were　few　customers　to　serve；　for　the　books　were　mostly　of　the
solid　and　scholarly　kind。　No　responsibilities　rested　on　me；　for
the　accounts　were　kept　by　my　master；　and　only　the　small　sums　of
money　were　suffered　to　pass　through　my　hands。　He　soon　found　out
enough　of　me　to　know　that　my　honesty　was　to　be　trusted；　and　that
my　patience　might　be　counted　on；　treat　me　as　he　might。　The　one
insight　into　_his_　character　which　I　obtained；　on　my　side；
widened　the　distance　between　us　to　its　last　limits。　He　was　a
confirmed　opium…eater　in　secreta　prodigal　in　laudanum；　though　a
miser　in　all　besides。　He　never　confessed　his　frailty；　and　I　never
told　him　I　had　found　it　out。　He　had　his　pleasure　apart　from　me；
and　I　had　my　pleasure　apart　from　_him。_　Week　after　week；　month
after　month；　there　we　sat；　without　a　friendly　word　ever　passing
between　usI；　alone　with　my　book　at　the　counter；　he；　alone　with
his　ledger　in　the　parlor；　dimly　visible　to　me　through　the　dirty
window…pane　of　the　glass　door；　sometimes　poring　over　his　figures；
sometimes　lost　and　motionless　for　hours　in　the　ecstasy　of　his
opium　trance。　Time　passed；　and　made　no　impression　on　us；　the
seasons　of　two　years　came　and　went；　and　found　us　still　unchanged。
One　morning；　at　the　opening　of　the　third　year；　my　master　did　not
appear；　as　usual；　to　give　me　my　allowance　for　breakfast。　I　went
upstairs；　and　found　him　helpless　in　his　bed。　He　refused　to　trust
me　with　the　keys　of　the　cupboard；　or　to　let　me　send　for　a　doctor。
I　bought　a　morsel　of　bread；　and　went　back　to　my　books；　with　no
more　feeling　for　_him_　（I　honestly　confess　it）　than　he　would　have
had　for　_me_　under　the　same　circumstances。　An　hour　or　two　later　I
was　roused　from　my　reading　by　an　occasional　customer　of　ours；　a
retired　medical　man。　He　went　upstairs。　I　was　glad　to　get　rid　of
him　and　return　to　my　books。　He　came　down　again；　and　disturbed　me
once　more。　'I　don't　much　like　you；　my　lad；'　he　said；　'but　I　think
it　my　duty　to　say　that　you　will　soon　have　to　shift　for　yourself。
You　are　no　great　favorite　in　the　town；　and　you　may　have　some
difficulty　in　finding　a　new　place。　Provide　yourself　with　a
written　character　from　your　master　before　it　is　too　late。'　He
spoke　to　me　coldly。　I　thanked　him　coldly　on　my　side；　and　got　my
character　the　same　day。　Do　you　think　my　master　let　me　have　it　for
nothing？　Not　he！　He　bargained　with　me　on　his　deathbed。　I　was　his
creditor　for　a　month's　salary；　and　he　wouldn't　write　a　line　of　my
testimonial　until　I　had　first　promised　to　forgive　him　the　debt。
Three　days　afterward　he　died；　enjoying　to　the　last　the　happiness
of　having　overreached　his　shop…man。　'Aha！'　he　whispered；　when　the
doctor　formally　summoned　me　to　take　leave　of　him；　'I　got　you
cheap！'　Was　Ozias　Midwinter's　stick　as　cruel　as　that？　I　think
not。　Well！　there　I　was；　out　on　the　world　again；　but　surely　with
better　prospects　this　time。　I　had　taught　myself　to　read　Latin；
Greek；　and　German；　and　I　had　got　my　written　character　to　speak
for　me。　All　useless！　The　doctor　was　quite　right；　I　was　not　liked
in　the　town。　The　lower　order　of　the　people　despised　me　for
selling　my　services　to　the　miser　at　the　miser's　price。　As　for　the
better　classes；　I　did　with　them　（God　knows　how！）　what　I　have
always　done　with　everybody　except　Mr。　ArmadaleI　produced　a
disagreeable　impression　at　first　sight；　I　couldn't　mend　it
afterward；　and　there　was　an　end　of　me　in　respectable　quarters。　It
is　quite　likely　I　might　have　spent　all　my　savings；　my　puny　little
golden　offspring　of　two　years'　miserable　growth；　but　for　a　school
advertisement　which　I　saw　in　a　local　paper。　The　heartlessly　mean
terms　that　were　offered　encouraged　me　to　apply；　and　I　got　the
place。　How　I　prospered　in　it；　and　what　became　of　me　next；　there
is　no　need　to　tell　you。　The　thread　of　my　story　is　all　wound　off；
my　vagabond　life　stands　stripped　of　its　mystery；　and　you　know　the
worst　of　me　at　last。〃


A　moment　of　silence　followed　those　closing　words。　Midwinter　rose
from　the　window…seat；　and　came　back　to　the　table　with　the　letter
from　Wildbad　in　his　hand。

〃My　father's　confession　has　told　you　who　I　am；　and　my　own
confession　has　told　you　what　my　life　has　been；〃　he　said；
addressing　Mr。　Brock；　without　taking　the　chair　to　which　the
rector　pointed。　〃I　promised　to　make　a　clean　breast　of　it　when　I
first　asked　leave　to　enter　this　room。　Have　I　kept　my　word？〃

〃It　is　impossible　to　doubt　it；〃　replied　Mr。　Brock。　〃You　have
established　your　claim　on　my　confidence　and　my　sympathy。　I　should
be　insensible；　indeed；　if　I　could　know　what　I　now　know　of　your
childhood　and　your　youth；　and　not　feel　something　of　Allan's
kindness　for　Allan's　friend。〃

〃Thank　you；　sir；〃　said　Midwinter；　simply　and　gravely。

He　sat　down　opposite　Mr。　Brook　at　the　table　for　the　first　time。

〃In　a　few　hours　you　will　have　left　this　place；〃　he　proceeded。　〃If
I　can　help　you　to　leave　it　w