new burlesques(新讽刺诗)-第17节
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Smith； grinnin'； 'I didn't known ye was subject to the divine afflatus；
Dan'l。' 'I don' offen hev it；' sez I； 'but when I do I find a little straight gin
does me good。' 'So did Byron；' sez he； chucklin'。 But even if I had
called him 'Beelzebub' the hull town would hev bin jest as crazy over him。
Well； as it was comin' on to rain I started jest after sundown for home。
But it came ter blow； an' ter pour cats and dogs； an' I was nigh washed out
o' the buggy； besides losin' my way and gettin' inter ditches and puddles；
and I hed to stop at Staples' Half…Way House and put up for the night。 In
the mornin' I riz up early and goes into the stable yard； and the first thing I
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sees was the 'ostler。 'I hope ye giv' my hoss a good scrub down；' I sez； 'as
I told ye； for his color is that delicate the smallest spot shows。 It's a very
rare color for a hoss。' 'I was hopin' it might be；' sez he。 I was a little
huffed at that； and I sez： 'It's considered a very beautiful color。' 'Mebbe it
is；' sez he； 'but I never cared much for fireworks。' 'What yer mean？' sez I。
'Look here； Squire！' sez he； 'I don't mind scourin' and rubbin' down a hoss
that will stay the same color TWICE； but when he gets to playin' a
kaladeoskope on me； I kick！' 'Trot him out；' sez I； beginnin' to feel queer。
With that he fetched out the hoss！ For a minit I hed to ketch on to the
fence to keep myself from fallin'。 I swonny！ ef he didn't look like a case
of measles on top o' yaller fever'cept where the harness had touched him；
and that was kinder stenciled out all over him。 Thar was places whar the
'ostler had washed down to the foundation color； a kind o' chewed licorice！
Then I knew that somebody had bin sold terrible； and I reckoned it might
be me！ But I said nothin' to the 'ostler； and waited until dark； when I
drove him over here； and put him in the stables； lettin' no one see him。 In
the mornin' Lummox comes to me； and sez he： 'I'm glad to see you back；'
sez he； 'for my conscience is troublin' me about that hoss agreement； it
looks too much like a hoss trade；' sez he； 'and I'm goin' to send the hoss
back。' 'Mebbe your conscience；' sez I； 'may trouble you a little more ef
you'll step this way；' and with that I takes his arm and leads him round to
the stable and brings out the hoss。
〃Well； Lummox never changes ez much as a hair； ez he puts up his
eyeglasses。 'I'm not good at what's called 〃Pop'lar Art；〃' sez he。 'Is it a
chromo； or your own work？' sez he； critical like。
〃'It's YOUR HOSS；' sez I。
〃He looks at me a minit and then drors a paper from his pocket。 'This
paper；' sez he in his quiet way； 'was drored up by you and is a covenant to
return to me a yaller hoss with golden mane and tail or a hundred and
fifty dollars。 Ez I don't see the hoss anywhere mebbe you've got the
hundred and fifty dollars handy？' sez he。 'Suppose I hadn't the money？' sez
I。 'I should be obliged；' sez he in a kind o' pained Christian…martyr way；
'ter sell YOUR hoss for two hundred； and send the money to my fr'en'。'
We looked at each other steddy for a minit and then I counts him out a
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hundred and fifty。 He took the money sad…like and then sez： 'Mr。 Borem；'
sez he； 'this is a great morril lesson to us；' and went back to the office。 In
the arternoon I called in an old hoss dealer that I knew and shows him
Pegasus。
〃'He wants renewin'；' sez he。
〃'Wot's that？' sez I。
〃'A few more bottles o' that British Blonde Hair Dye to set him up
ag'in。 That's wot they allus do in the cirkis； whar he kem from。'
〃Then I went back to the office and I took down my sign。 'What's
that you re doin'？' sez Lummox； with a sickly kind o' smile。 'Are you
goin' out o' the bizness？'
〃'No； I'm only goin' to change that sign from 〃Dan'l Borem〃 to 〃Borem
and Lummox；〃' sez I。 'I've concluded it's cheaper for me to take you inter
partnership now than to continue in this way； which would only end in
your hevin' to take me in later。 I preferred to DO IT FUST。'〃
VII
A rich man； and settled in business； John Lummox concluded that he
would marry Mary Bike。 With that far…sighted logic which had always
characterized him he reasoned that； having first met her on a liner； he
would find her again on one if he took passage to Europe。 He didbut
she was down on the passenger list as Mrs。 Edwin Wraggles。 The result
of their interview was given to Mrs。 Bigsby by Dan'l Borem in his own
dialect。
〃Ez far as I kin see； it was like the Deacon's Sunday hoss trade； bein'
all 'Ef it wassent。' 'Ef ye wasn't Mrs。 Wraggles；' sez Lummox； sez he； 'I'd
be tellin' ye how I've loved ye ever sence I first seed ye。 Ef ye wasn't
Mrs。 Wraggles； I'd be squeezin' yer hand；' sez he； 'ef ye wasn't Mrs。
Wraggles； I'd be askin' ye to marry me。' Then the gal ups and sez； sez
she： 'But I AIN'T Mrs。 Wraggles；' sez she； 'Mrs。 Wraggles is my sister； and
couldn't come； so I'm travelin' on her ticket； and that's how my name is
Wraggles on the passenger list。' 'But why didn't ye tell me so at once？'
sez Lummox。 'This is an episoode o' protracted humor；' sez she； 'and I'M
bound to have a show in it somehow！'〃
〃Well！〃 said Mrs。 Bigsby breathlessly； 〃then he DID marry her？〃
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〃Darned ef I know。 He never said so straight outbut that's like
Lummox。〃
STORIES THREE
BY RDYD KPLG
I
FOR SIMLA REASONS
Some people say that improbable things don't necessarily happen in
Indiabut these people never find improbabilities anywhere。 This
sounds clever； but you will at once perceive that it really means the
opposite of what I intended to say。 So we'll drop it。 What I am trying to
tell you is that after Sparkley had that affair with Miss Millikens a singular
change came over him。 He grew abstracted and solitary；holding dark
seances with himself；which was odd； as everybody knew he never cared
a rap for the Millikens girl。 It was even said that he was off his head
which is rhyme。 But his reason was undoubtedly affected； for he had
been heard to mutter incoherently at the Club； and； strangest of all； to
answer questions THAT WERE NEVER ASKED！ This was so awkward
in that Branch of the Civil Department of which he was a high official
where the rule was exactly the reversethat he was presently invalided on
full pay！ Then he disappeared。 Clever people said it was because the
Department was afraid he had still much to answer for； stupid people
simply envied him。
Mrs。 Awksby； whom everybody knew had been the cause of breaking
off the match； was now wild to know the reason of Sparkley's retirement。
She attacked heaven and earth； and even went a step higherto the
Viceroy。 At the vice…regal ball I saw； behind the curtains of a window；
her rolling violet…blue eyes with a singular glitter in them。 It was the
reflection of the Viceroy's star； although the rest of his Excellency was
hidden in the curtain。 I heard him saying； 〃Come now！ really； now； you
areyou know you are！〃 in reply to her cooing questioning。 Then she
made a dash at me and captured me。
〃What did you hear？〃
〃Nothing I should not have heard。〃
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〃Don't be like all the other menyou silly boy！〃 she answered。 〃I
was only trying to find out something about Sparkley。 And I will find it
out too；〃 she said； clinching her thin little hand。
