poor miss finch-第63节

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to　you　everything　that　passed　between　us。　Another　of　my　weaknesses！
another　of　my　failures！　The　tears　come　into　my　eyes　again；　when　my　mind
attempts　to　dwell　on　the　details。　I　can　only　tell　you　the　result。　My
brother's　confession　may　be　summed　up　in　three　words。　Prepare　yourself　to
be　startled；　prepare　yourself　to　be　grieved。

〃Nugent　loves　her。

〃Think　of　this　discovery　falling　on　me；　after　I　had　seen　my　innocent
Lucilla's　arms　round　his　neckafter　my　own　eyes　had　shown　me　how　she
rejoiced　over　her　first　sight　of　_him；_　how　she　shuddered　at　her　first
sight　of　_me！_　Need　I　tell　you　what　I　suffered？　No。

〃Nugent　held　out　his　hand；　when　he　had　doneas　I　had　held　out　mine
before　he　began。

〃　'The　one　atonement　I　can　make　to　you　and　to　her；'　he　said；　'is　never　to
let　either　of　you　set　eyes　on　me　again。　Shake　hands；　Oscar；　and　let　me
go。'

〃If　I　had　willed　it　soso　it　might　have　ended。　I　willed　it　differently。
It　has　ended　differently。　Can　you　guess　how？〃



I　laid　down　the　letter　for　a　moment。　It　cut　me　with　such　keen　regret；　it
fired　me　with　such　hot　ragethat　I　was　within　a　hairsbreadth　of　tearing
the　rest　of　it　up　unread；　and　trampling　it　under　my　feet。　I　took　a　turn
in　the　room。　I　dipped　my　handkerchief　in　water；　and　bound　it　round　my
head。　In　a　minute　or　two　I　was　myself　againI　could　force　my　mind　away
from　my　poor　Lucilla；　and　return　to　the　letter。　It　proceeded　thus：

〃I　can　write　calmly　of　what　I　have　next　to　tell　you。　You　shall　hear　what
I　have　decided；　and　what　I　have　done。

〃I　told　Nugent　to　wait　in　the　room；　while　I　went　away；　and　thought　over
what　he　had　said　to　me；　by　myself。　He　attempted　to　resist　this。　I
insisted　on　his　yielding。　For　the　first　time　in　our　lives；　we　changed
places。　It　was　I　who　took　the　lead；　and　he　who　followed。　I　left　him　and
went　out　into　the　valley　alone。

〃The　heavenly　tranquillity；　the　comforting　solitude　helped　me。　I　saw　my
position　and　his；　in　their　true　light。　Before　I　got　back；　I　had　decided
（cost　me　what　it　might）　on　myself　making　the　sacrifice　to　which　my
brother　had　offered　to　submit。　For　Lucilla's　sake；　and　for　Nugent's　sake；
I　felt　the　certain　assurance　in　my　own　mind　that　it　was　_my_　duty；　and
not　_his；_　to　go。

〃Don't　blame　me；　don't　grieve　for　me。　Read　the　rest。　I　want　you　to　think
of　this　with　my　thoughtsto　feel　about　it　as　I　feel　at　this　moment。

〃Bearing　in　mind　what　Nugent　has　confessed；　and　what　I　have　myself　seen；
have　I　any　right　to　hold　Lucilla　to　her　engagement？　I　am　firmly　persuaded
that　I　have　no　right。　After　inspiring　her　with　terror　and　disgust　at　the
moment　when　her　eyes　first　looked　at　me；　after　seeing　her　innocently
happy　in　Nugent's　armshow；　in　God's　name；　can　I　claim　her　as　mine？　Our
marriage　has　become　an　impossibility。　For　her　own　sake；　I　cannot；　I　dare
not；　appeal　to　our　engagement。　The　wreck　of　_my_　happiness　is　nothing。
The　wreck　of　_her_　happiness　would　be　a　crime。　I　absolve　her　from　her
engagement。　She　is　free。

〃There　is　my　duty　towards　Lucillaas　I　see　it。

〃As　to　Nugent　next。　I　owe　it　entirely　to　my　brother　（at　the　time　of　the
Trial）　that　the　honor　of　our　family　has　been　saved；　and　that　I　have
escaped　a　shameful　death　on　the　scaffold。　Is　there　any　limit　to　the
obligation　that　he　has　laid　on　me；　after　doing　me　such　a　service　as　this？
There　is　no　limit。　The　man　who　loves　Lucilla　and　the　brother　who　has
saved　my　life　are　one。　I　am　bound　to　leave　him　freeI　do　leave　him
freeto　win　Lucilla　by　open　and　loyal　means；　if　he　can。　As　soon　as　Herr
Grosse　considers　that　she　is　fit　to　bear　the　disclosure；　let　her　be　told
of　the　error　into　which　she　has　fallen　（through　my　fault）let　her　read
these　lines；　purposely　written　to　meet　her　eye　as　well　as　yoursand　let
my　brother　tell　her　afterwards　what　has　passed　to…night　in　this　house
between　himself　and　me。　She　loves　him　now；　believing　him　to　be　Oscar。
Will　she　love　him　still；　after　she　has　learnt　to　know　him　under　his　own
name？　The　answer　to　that　question　rests　with　Time。　If　it　is　an　answer　in
Nugent's　favor；　I　have　already　arranged　to　set　aside　from　my　income　a
sufficient　yearly　sum　to　place　my　brother　in　a　position　to　begin　his
married　life。　I　wish　to　leave　his　genius　free　to　assert　itself；
untrammeled　by　pecuniary　cares。　Possessing；　as　I　do；　far　more　than　enough
for　my　own　simple　wants；　I　can　dedicate　my　spare　money　to　no　better　and
nobler　use　than　this。

〃There　is　my　duty　towards　Nugentas　I　see　it。

〃What　I　have　decided　on　you　now　know。　What　I　have　done　can　be　told　in　two
words。　I　have　left　Browndown　for　ever。　I　have　gone；　to　live　or　die　（as
God　pleases）　under　the　blow　that　has　fallen　on　me；　far　away　from　you　all。

〃Perhaps；　when　years　have　passed；　and　when　their　children　are　growing　up
round　them；　I　may　see　Lucilla　again；　and　may　take　as　the　hand　of　my
sister；　the　hand　of　the　beloved　woman　who　might　once　have　been　my　wife。
This　may　happen；　if　I　live。　If　I　die；　you　will　none　of　you　know　it。　My
death　shall　not　cast　its　shadow　of　sadness　on　their　lives。　Forgive　me　and
forget　me；　and　keep；　as　I　keep；　that　first　and　noblest　of　all　mortal
hopesthe　hope　of　the　life　to　come。

〃I　enclose；　when　there　is　need　for　you　to　write　to　me；　the　address　of　my
bankers　in　London。　They　will　have　their　instructions。　If　you　love　me；　if
you　pity　me；　abstain　from　attempting　to　shake　my　resolution。　You　may
distress　mebut　you　will　never　change　me。　Wait　to　write；　until　Nugent
has　had　the　opportunity　of　pleading　his　own　cause；　and　Lucilla　has
decided　on　her　future　life。

〃Once　more；　I　thank　you　for　the　kindness　which　has　borne　with　my
weaknesses　and　my　follies。　God　bless　youand　goodbye。

〃OSCAR。



Of　the　effect　which　the　first　reading　of　this　letter　produced　on　me；　I
shall　say　nothing。　Even　at　this　distance　of　time；　I　shrink　from　reviving
the　memory　of　what　I　suffered；　alone　in　my　room　on　that　miserable　night。
Let　it　be　enough　if　I　tell　you　briefly　at　what　decision　I　arrived。

I　determined　on　doing　two　things。　First；　on　going　to　London　by　the
earliest　train　the　next　morning；　and　finding　my　way　to　Oscar　by　means　of
his　bankers。　Secondly；　on　preventing　the　villain　who　had　accepted　the
sacrifice　of　his　brother's　happiness　from　entering　the　rectory　in　my
absence。

The　one　comfort　I　had；　that　night；　was　in　feeling　that；　on　these　two
points；　my　mind　was　made　up。　There　was　a　stimulant　in　my　sense　of　my　own
resolution　which　strengthened　me　to　make　my　excuses　to　Lucilla；　without
betraying　the　grief　that　tortured　me　when　I　found　myself　in　her　presence
again。　Before　I　went　to　my　bed；　I　had　left　her　quiet　and　happy；　I　had
arranged　with　Herr　Grosse　that　he　was　still　to　keep　his　excitable　patient
secluded　from　visitors　all　through　the　next　day；　and　I　had　secured　as　an
ally　to　help　me　in　preventing　Nugent　from　entering　the　house；　no　less　a
person　than　Reverend　Finch　himself。　I　saw　him　in　his　study　overnight；　and
told　him　all　that　had　happened；　keeping　one　circumstance　only
concealednamely；　Oscar's　insane　determination　to　share　his　fortune　with
his　infamous　brother。　I　purposely　led　the　rector　to　suppose　that　Oscar
had　left　Lucilla　free　to　receive　the　addresses　of　a　man　who　had
dissipated　his　fortune　to　the　last　farthing。　Mr。　Finch's　harangue　when
this　prospect　was　brought　within　his　range　of　contemplation；　was
something　to　be　remembered；　but　not　（on　this　occasion）　to　be　reportedin
mercy　to　the　Church。

By　the　train　of　the　next　morning；　I　left　for　London。

By　the　train　of　the　same　evening；　I　returned　alone　to　Dimchurch；　having
completely　failed　to　achieve　the　purpose　which　taken　me　to　the
metropolis。

Oscar　had　appeared　at　the　bank　as　soon　as　the　doors　were　opened　in　the
morning；　had　drawn　out　some　hundreds　of　pounds　in　circular　notes；　had
told　the　bankers　that　they　should　be　furnished　with　an　address　at　which
they　could　write　to　him；　in　due　course　of　time；　and　had　departed　for　the
Continent；　without　leaving　a　trace　behind　him。

I　spent　the　day　in　making　what　arrangements　I　could　for　discovering　him
by　the　usual　methods　of　inquiry　pursued　in　such　cases；　and　took　the
return　train　to　the　country；　with　my　mind　alternating　between　despair
when　I　thought　of　Lucilla；　and　anger　when　I　thought　of　the　twin…brothers。
In　the　first　bitterness　of　my　disappointment；　I　was　quite　as　indignant
with　Oscar　as　with　Nugent。　With　all　my　heart　I　cursed　the　day　which　had
brought　the　one　and　the　other　to　Dimchurch。

As　we　lengthened　our　distance　from　London；　flying　smoothly　the　tranquil
woods　and　fields；　my　mind；　with　time　to　help　it；　began　to　recover　its
balance。　Little　by　little；　the　unexpected　revelation　of　firmness　and
decision　in　Oscar's　conductheartily　as　I　still　deplored　and　blamed　that
conductbegan　to　have　a　new　effect　on　my　mind。　I　now　looked　back　in
amazement　and　self…reproach；　at　my　own　superficial　estimate　of　the
characters　of　the　twin…brothers。

Thinking　it　over　uninterruptedly；　with　no　one　in　the　carriage　but　myself；
I　arrived　at　a　conclusion　which　strongly　influenced　my　conduct　in　guiding
Lucilla　through　the　troubles　and　perils　that　were　still　to　come。

Our　physical　constitutions　have；　as　I　take　it；　more　to　do　with　the
actions　which　determine　other　people's　opinions　of　us　（as　well　as　with
the　course　of　our　own　lives）　tha