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STAGE´LAND。
STAGE´LAND。
By Jerome K。 Jerome
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STAGE´LAND。
THE HERO。
His name is George察generally speaking。 ;Call me George ─he says
to the heroine。 She calls him George in a very low voice察because she is
so young and timid。 Then he is happy。
The stage hero never has any work to do。 He is always hanging
about and getting into trouble。 His chief aim in life is to be accused of
crimes he has never committed察 and if he can muddle things up with a
corpse in some complicated way so as to get himself reasonably mistaken
for the murderer察he feels his day has not been wasted。
He has a wonderful gift of speech and a flow of language calculated to
strike terror to the bravest heart。 It is a grand thing to hear him
bullyragging the villain。
The stage hero is always entitled to ;estates察─chiefly remarkable for
their high state of cultivation and for the eccentric ground plan of the
;manor house; upon them。 The house is never more than one story high察
but it makes up in green stuff over the porch what it lacks in size and
convenience。
The chief drawback in connection with it察to our eyes察is that all the
inhabitants of the neighboring village appear to live in the front garden察
but the hero evidently thinks it rather nice of them察as it enables him to
make speeches to them from the front doorstephis favorite recreation。
There is generally a public´house immediately opposite。 This is
handy。
These ;estates; are a great anxiety to the stage hero。 He is not what
you would call a business man察as far as we can judge察and his attempts to
manage his own property invariably land him in ruin and distraction。 His
;estates察─however察always get taken away from him by the villain before
the first act is over察and this saves him all further trouble with regard to
them until the end of the play察when he gets saddled with them once more。
Not but what it must be confessed that there is much excuse for the
poor fellow's general bewilderment concerning his affairs and for his legal
errors and confusions generally。 Stage ;law; may not be quite the most
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STAGE´LAND。
fearful and wonderful mystery in the whole universe察but it's near itvery
near it。 We were under the impression at one time that we ourselves
knew somethingjust a littleabout statutory and common law察but after
paying attention to the legal points of one or two plays we found that we
were mere children at it。
We thought we would not be beaten察and we determined to get to the
bottom of stage law and to understand it察but after some six months' effort
our brain a singularly fine one began to soften察and we abandoned the
study察 believing it would come cheaper in the end to offer a suitable
reward察 of about 50000 pounds or 60000 pounds察 say察 to any one who
would explain it to us。
The reward has remained unclaimed to the present day and is still
open。
One gentleman did come to our assistance a little while ago察but his
explanations only made the matter more confusing to our minds than it
was before。 He was surprised at what he called our density察and said the
thing was all clear and simple to him。 But we discovered afterward that
he was an escaped lunatic。
The only points of stage ;law; on which we are at all clear are as
follows此
That if a man dies without leaving a will察then all his property goes to
the nearest villain。
But if a man dies and leaves a will察 then all his property goes to
whoever can get possession of that will。
That the accidental loss of the three´and´sixpenny copy of a marriage
certificate annuls the marriage。
That the evidence of one prejudiced witness of shady antecedents is
quite sufficient to convict the most stainless and irreproachable gentleman
of crimes for the committal of which he could have had no possible
motive。
But that this evidence may be rebutted years afterward察 and the
conviction quashed without further trial by the unsupported statement of
the comic man。
That if A forges B's name to a check察then the law of the land is that B
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STAGE´LAND。
shall be sentenced to ten years' penal servitude。
That ten minutes' notice is all that is required to foreclose a mortgage。
That all trials of criminal cases take place in the front parlor of the
victim's house察the villain acting as counsel察judge察and jury rolled into one察
and a couple of policemen being told off to follow his instructions。
These are a few of the more salient features of stage ;law; so far as we
have been able to grasp it up to the present察but as fresh acts and clauses
and modifications appear to be introduced for each new play察 we have
abandoned all hope of ever being able to really comprehend the subject。
To return to our hero察the state of the law察as above sketched察naturally
confuses him察and the villain察who is the only human being who does seem
to understand stage legal questions察is easily able to fleece and ruin him。
The simple´minded hero signs mortgages察bills of sale察deeds of gift察and
such like things察 under the impression that he is playing some sort of a
round game察and then when he cannot pay the interest they take his wife
and children away from him and turn him adrift into the world。
Being thrown upon his own resources察he naturally starves。
He can make long speeches察 he can tell you all his troubles察 he can
stand in the lime´light and strike attitudes察he can knock the villain down察
and he can defy the police察but these requirements are not much in demand
in the labor market察and as they are all he can do or cares to do察he finds
earning his living a much more difficult affair than he fancied。
There is a deal too much hard work about it for him。 He soon gives
up trying it at all察 and prefers to eke out an uncertain existence by
sponging upon good´natured old Irish women and generous but weak´
minded young artisans who have left their native village to follow him and
enjoy the advantage of his company and conversation。
And so he drags out his life during the middle of the piece察raving at
fortune察raging at humanity察and whining about his miseries until the last
act。
Then he gets back those ;estates; of his into his possession once again察
and can go back to the village and make more moral speeches and be
happy。
Moral speeches are undoubtedly his leading article察 and of these察 it
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STAGE´LAND。
must be owned察 he has an inexhaustible stock。 He is as chock´full of
noble sentiments as a bladder is of wind。 They are weak and watery
sentiments of the sixpenny tea´meeting order。 We have a dim notion that
we have heard them before。 The sound of them always conjures up to
our mind the vision of a dull long room察full of oppressive silence察broken
only by the scratching of steel pens and an occasional whispered ;Give us
a suck察 Bill。 You know I always liked you察─ or a louder ;Please察 sir察
speak to Jimmy Boggles。 He's a´jogging my elbow。;
The stage hero察however察evidently regards these meanderings as gems
of brilliant thought察fresh from the philosophic mine。
The gallery greets them with enthusiastic approval。 They are a
warm´hearted people察galleryites察and they like to give a hearty welcome
to old friends。
And then察too察the sentiments are so good and a British gallery is so
moral。 We doubt if there could be discovered on this earth any body of
human beings half so moralso fond of goodne