donal grant-第99节

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whole　swarm　of　them；　big　and　little！O　God；　save　me！　I　don't　want
to　be　damned。　I　will　be　good　if　thou　wilt　make　me。　I　don't　care
about　it　myself；　but　thou　canst　do　as　thou　pleasest。　It　would　be　a
fine　thing　if　a　rascal　like　me　were　to　escape　the　devil　through　thy
goodness　after　all。　I'm　worth　nothing；　but　there's　my　wife！　Pray；
pray；　Lord　God；　let　me　one　day　see　my　wife　again！For　Christ's
sakeain't　that　the　way；　Grant？Amen。〃

Donal　had　dropped　on　his　knees　once　more　when　the　earl　began　to
pray。　He　uttered　a　hearty　Amen。　The　earl　turned　sharply　towards　him；
and　saw　he　was　weeping。　He　put　out　his　hand　to　him；　and　said；

〃You'll　stand　my　friend；　Grant？〃




CHAPTER　LXXX。

AWAY…FARING。

Suddenly　what　strength　lady　Arctura　had；　gave　way；　and　she　began　to
sink。　But　it　was　spring　with　the　summer　at　hand；　they　hoped　she
would　recover　sufficiently　to　be　removed　to　a　fitter　climate。　She
did　not　herself　think　so。　She　had　hardly　a　doubt　that　her　time　was
come。　She　was　calm；　often　cheerful；　but　her　spirits　were　variable。
Donal's　heart　was　sorer　than　he　had　thought　it　could　be　again。

One　day；　having　been　reading　a　little　to　her；　he　sat　looking　at　her。
He　did　not　know　how　sad　was　the　expression　of　his　countenance。　She
looked　up；　smiled；　and　said；

〃You　think　I　am　unhappy！you　could　not　look　at　me　like　that　if　you
did　not　think　so！　I　am　only　tired；　I　am　not　unhappy。　I　hardly　know
now　what　unhappiness　is！　If　ever　I　look　as　if　I　were　unhappy；　it　is
only　that　I　am　waiting　for　more　life。　It　is　on　the　way；　I　feel　it
is；　because　I　am　so　content　with　everything；　I　would　have　nothing
other　than　it　is。　It　is　very　hard　for　God　that　his　children　will　not
trust　him　to　do　with　them　what　he　pleases！　I　am　sure；　Mr。　Grant；　the
world　is　all　wrong；　and　on　the　way　to　be　all　wondrously　right。　It
will　cost　God　much　labour　yet：　we　will　cost　him　as　little　as　we
canwon't　we？Oh；　Mr。　Grant；　if　it　hadn't　been　for　you；　God　would
have　been　far　away　still！　For　a　God　I　should　have　had　something　half
an　idol；　half　a　commonplace　tyrant！　I　should　never　have　dreamed　of
the　glory　of　God！〃

〃No；　my　lady！〃　returned　Donal；　〃if　God　had　not　sent　me；　he　would
have　sent　somebody　else；　you　were　ready！〃

〃I　am　very　glad　he　sent　you！　I　should　never　have　loved　any　other　so
much！〃

Donal's　eyes　filled　with　tears。　He　was　simple　as　a　child。　No　male
vanity；　no　self…exultation　that　a　woman　should　love　him；　and　tell
him　she　loved　him；　sprang　up　in　his　heart。　He　knew　she　loved　him；　he
loved　her；　all　was　so　natural　it　could　not　be　otherwise：　he　never
presumed　to　imagine　her　once　thinking　of　him　as　he　had　thought　of
Ginevra。　He　was　her　servant；　willing　and　loving　as　any　angel　of　God：
that　was　alland　enough！

〃You　are　not　vexed　with　your　pupilare　you？〃　she　resumed；　again
looking　up　in　his　face；　this　time　with　a　rosy　flush　on　her　own。

〃Why？〃　said　Donal；　with　wonder。

〃For　speaking　so　to　my　master。〃

〃Angry　because　you　love　me？〃

〃No；　of　course！〃　she　responded；　at　once　satisfied。　〃You　knew　that
must　be！　How　could　I　but　love　youbetter　than　any　one　else　in　the
world！　You　have　given　me　life！　I　was　dead。You　have　been　like
another　father　to　me！〃　she　added；　with　a　smile　of　heavenly
tenderness。　〃But　I　could　not　have　spoken　to　you　like　this；　if　I　had
not　known　I　was　dying。〃

The　word　shot　a　sting　as　of　fire　through　Donal's　heart。

〃You　are　always　a　child；　Mr。　Grant；〃　she　went　on；　〃death　is　making　a
child　of　me；　it　makes　us　all　children：　as　if　we　were　two　little
children　together；　I　tell　you　I　love　you。Don't　look　like　that；〃
she　continued；　〃you　must　not　forget　what　you　have　been　teaching　me
all　this　timethat　the　will　of　God；　the　perfect　God；　is　all　in　all！
He　is　not　a　God　far　off：　to　know　that　is　enough　to　have　lived　for！
You　have　taught　me　that；　and　I　love　you　with　a　true　heart
fervently。〃

Donal　could　not　speak。　He　knew　she　was　dying。

〃Mr。　Grant；〃　she　began　again；　〃my　soul　is　open　to　his　eyes；　and　is
not　ashamed。　I　know　I　am　going　to　do　what　would　by　the　world　be
counted　unwomanly；　but　you　and　I　stand　before　our　Father；　not　before
the　world。　I　ask　you　in　plain　words；　knowing　that　if　you　cannot　do
as　I　ask　you　willingly；　you　will　not　do　it。　And　be　sure　I　shall
plainly　be　dying　before　I　claim　the　fulfilment　of　your　promise　if
you　give　it。　I　do　not　want　your　answer　all　at　once：　you　must　think
about　it。〃

Here　she　paused　a　while；　then　said；

〃I　want　you　to　marry　me；　if　you　will；　before　I　go。〃

Donal　could　not　yet　speak。　His　soul　was　in　a　tumult　of　emotion。

〃I　am　tired；〃　she　said。　〃Please　go　and　think　it　over。　If　you　say　no；
I　shall　only　say；　'He　knows　best　what　is　best！'　I　shall　not　be
ashamed。　Only　you　must　not　once　think　what　the　world　would　say：　of
all　people　we　have　nothing　to　do　with　the　world！　We　have　nothing　to
do　but　with　God　and　love！　If　he　be　pleased　with　us；　we　can　afford　to
smile　at　what　his　silly　children　think　of　us：　they　mind　only　what
their　vulgar　nurses　say；　not　what　their　perfect　father　says：　we　need
not　mind　themneed　we？I　wonder　at　myself；〃　she　went　on；　for　Donal
did　not　utter　a　word；　〃for　being　able　to　speak　like　this；　but　then　I
have　been　thinking　of　it　for　a　long　timechiefly　as　I　lie　awake。　I
am　never　afraid　nownot　though　I　lie　awake　all　night：　'perfect　love
casteth　out　fear；'　you　know。　I　have　God　to　love；　and　Jesus　to　love；
and　you　to　love；　and　my　own　father　to　love！　When　you　know　him；　you
will　see　how　good　a　man　can　be　without　having　been　brought　up　like
you！Oh；　Donal；　do　say　something；　or　I　shall　cry；　and　crying　kills
me！〃

She　was　sitting　on　a　low　chair；　with　the　sunlight　across　her
lapfor　she　was　again　in　the　sunny　Garland…roomand　the　firelight
on　her　face。　Donal　knelt　gently　down；　and　laid　his　hands　in　the
sunlight　on　her　lap；　just　as　if　he　were　going　to　say　his　prayers　at
his　mother's　knee。　She　laid　both　her　hands　on　his。

〃I　have　something　to　tell　you；〃　he　said；　〃and　then　you　must　speak
again。〃

〃Tell　me；〃　said　Arctura；　with　a　little　gasp。

〃When　I　came　here；〃　said　Donal；　〃I　thought　my　heart　so　broken　that
it　would　never　lovethat　way；　I　meanany　more。　But　I　loved　God
better　than　ever：　and　as　one　I　would　fain　help；　I　loved　you　from　the
very　first。　But　I　should　have　scorned　myself　had　I　once　fancied　you
loved　me　more　than　just　to　do　anything　for　me　I　needed　done。　When　I
saw　you　troubled；　I　longed　to　take　you　up　in　my　arms；　and　carry　you
like　a　lovely　bird　that　had　fallen　from　one　of　God's　nests；　but
never　once；　my　lady；　did　I　think　of　your　caring　for　my　love：　it　was
yours　as　a　matter　of　course。　I　once　asked　a　lady　to　kiss　mejust
once；　for　a　good…bye：　she　would　notand　she　was　quite　right；　but
after　that　I　never　spoke　to　a　lady　but　she　seemed　to　stand　far　away
on　the　top　of　a　hill　against　a　sky。〃

He　stopped。　Her　hands　on　his　fluttered　a　little；　as　if　they　would
fly。

〃Is　she　stillis　shealive？〃　she　asked。

〃Oh　yes；　my　lady。〃

〃Then　she　maychange〃　said　Arctura；　and　stopped；　for　there　was　a
stone　in　her　heart。

Donal　laughed。　It　was　an　odd　laugh；　but　it　did　Arctura　good。

〃No　danger　of　that；　my　lady！　She　has　the　best　husband　in　the
worlda　much　better　than　I　should　have　made；　much　as　I　loved　her。〃

〃That　can't　be！〃

〃Why；　my　lady；　her　husband's　sir　Gibbie！　She's　lady　Galbraith！　I
would　never　have　wished　her　mine　if　I　had　known　she　loved　Gibbie。　I
love　her　next　to　him。〃

〃Thenthen〃

〃What；　my　lady？〃

〃ThenthenOh；　do　say　something！〃

〃What　should　I　say？　What　God　wills　is　fast　as　the　roots　of　the
universe；　and　lovely　as　its　blossom。〃

Arctura　burst　into　tears。

〃Then　you　do　notcare　for　me！〃

Donal　began　to　understand。　In　some　things　he　went　on　so　fast　that　he
could　not　hear　the　cry　behind　him。　She　had　spoken；　and　had　been
listening　in　vain　for　response！　She　thought　herself　unloved：　he　had
shown　her　no　sign　that　he　loved　her！

His　heart　was　so　full　of　love　and　the　joy　of　love；　that　they　had
made　him　very　still：　now　the　delight　of　love　awoke。　He　took　her　in
his　arms　like　a　child；　rose；　and　went　walking　about　the　room　with
her；　petting　and　soothing　her。　He　held　her　close　to　his　heart；　her
head　was　on　his　shoulder；　and　his　face　was　turned　to　hers。

〃I　love　you；〃　he　said；　〃and　love　you　to　all　eternity！　I　have　love
enough　now　to　live　upon；　if　you　should　die　to…night；　and　I　should
tarry　till　he　come。　O　God；　thou　art　too　good　to　me！　It　is　more　than
my　heart　can　bear！　To　make　men　and　women；　and　give　them　to　each
other；　and　not　be　one　moment　jealous　of　the　love　wherewith　they　love
one　another；　is　to　be　a　God　indeed！〃

So　said　Donaland　spoke　the　high　truth。　But　alas　for　the　love
wherewith　men　and　women　love　each　other！　There　were　small　room　for
God　to　be　jealous　of　that！　It　is　the　little　love　with　which　they
love　each　other；　the　great　love　with　which　they　love　themselves；
that　hurts　the　heart　of　their　father。

Arctura　signed　at　length　a　prayer　for　release；　and　he　set　her　gently
down　in　her　chair　again。　Then　he　saw　her　face　more　beautiful　than
ever　before；　and　the　rose　that　bloomed　there　was　the　rose　of　a
health　deeper　than　sickness。　These　children　of　God　were　of　the
blessed　few　who　love　the　more　that　they　know　him　present；　whose
souls　are　naked　before　him；　and　not　ashamed。　Let　him　that　hears
understand！　if