donal grant-第98节

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looked　angry　when　I　was　worst　to　her！Grant；　I　beg　of　you；　don't
lose　sight　of　Davie。　Make　a　man　of　him；　and　his　mother　will　thank
you。　She　was　a　good　woman；　his　mother；　though　I　did　what　I　could　to
spoil　her！　It　was　no　use！　I　never　could！and　that　was　how　she　kept
her　hold　of　me。　If　I　had　succeeded；　there　would　have　been　an　end　of
her　power；　and　a　genuine　heir　to　the　earldom！　What　a　damned　fool　I
was　to　let　it　out！　Who　would　have　been　the　worse！〃

〃He's　a　heartless；　unnatural　rascal；　though；〃　he　resumed；　〃and　has
made　of　me　the　fool　I　deserved　to　be　made！　His　mother　must　see　it
was　not　my　fault！　I　would　have　set　things　right　if　I　could！　But　it
was　too　late！　And　you　tell　me　she　has　had　a　hand　in　letting　the
truth　outleaving　her　letters　about！That's　some　comfort！　She　was
always　fair；　and　will　be　the　less　hard　on　me。　If　I　could　see　a
chance　of　God　being　half　as　good　to　me　as　my　poor　wife。　She　was　my
wife！　I　will　say　it　in　spite　of　all　the　priests　in　the　stupid
universe！　She　was　my　wife；　and　deserved　to　be　my　wife；　and　if　I　had
her　now；　I　would　marry　her；　because　she　would　be　foolish　enough　to
like　it；　though　I　would　not　do　it　all　the　time　she　was　alive；　let
her　beg　ever　so！　Where　was　the　use　of　giving　in；　when　I　kept　her　in
hand　so　easily　that　way？　That　was　it！　It　was　not　that　I　wanted　to　do
her　any　wrong。　But　you　should　keep　the　lead。　A　man　mustn't　play　out
his　last　trump　and　lose　the　lead。　But　then　you　never　know　about
dying！　If　I　had　known　my　poor　wife　was　going　to　die；　I　would　have
done　whatever　she　wanted。　We　had　merry　times　together！　It　was　those
cursed　drugs　that　wiled　the　soul　out　of　me；　and　then　the　devil　went
in　and　took　its　place！There　was　curara　in　that　last　medicine；　I'll
swear！Look　you　here　now；　Grant：if　there　were　any　way　of
persuading　God　to　give　me　a　fresh　lease　of　life！　You　say　he　hears
prayer：　why　shouldn't　you　ask　him？　I　would　make　you　any　promise　you
pleasedgive　you　any　security　you　wanted；　hereafter　to　live　a
godly；　righteous；　and　sober　life。〃

〃But；〃　said　Donal；　〃suppose　God；　reading　your　heart；　saw　that　you
would　go　on　as　bad　as　ever；　and　that　to　leave　you　any　longer　would
only　be　to　make　it　the　more　difficult　for　him　to　do　anything　with
you　afterwards？〃

〃He　might　give　me　a　chance！　It　is　hard　to　expect　a　poor　fellow　to　be
as　good　as　he　is　himself！〃

〃The　poor　fellow　was　made　in　his　image！〃　suggested　Donal。

〃Very　poorly　made　then！〃　said　the　earl　with　a　sneer。　〃We　might　as
well　have　been　made　in　some　other　body's　image！〃

Donal　thought　with　himself。

Did　you　ever　know　a　good　woman；　my　lord？〃　he　asked。

〃Know　a　good　woman？Hundreds　of　them！The　other　sort　was　more　to
my　taste！　but　there　was　my　own　mother！　She　was　rather　hard　on　my
father　now　and　then；　but　she　was　a　good　woman。〃

〃Suppose　you　had　been　in　her　image；　what　then？〃

〃You　would　have　had　some　respect　for　me！〃

〃Then　she　was　nearer　the　image　of　God　than　you？〃

〃Thousands　of　miles！〃

〃Did　you　ever　know　a　bad　woman？〃

〃Know　a　bad　woman？　Hundreds　that　would　take　your　heart's　blood　as
you　slept　to　make　a　philtre　with！〃

〃Then　you　saw　a　difference　between　such　a　woman　and　your　mother？〃

〃The　one　was　of　heaven；　the　other　of　hellthat　was　all　the　little
difference！〃

〃Did　you　ever　know　a　bad　woman　grow　better？〃

〃No；　never。Stop！　let　me　see〃　I　did　once　know　a　womanshe　was　a
married　woman　toothat　made　it　all　the　worseall　the　better　I
mean：　she　took　poisonin　good　earnest；　and　dieddied；　sirdied；　I
saywhen　she　came　to　herself；　and　knew　what　she　had　done！　That　was
the　only　woman　I　ever　knew　that　grew　better。　How　long　she　might　have
gone　on　better　if　she　hadn't　taken　the　poison；　I　can't　tell。　That
fixed　her　good；　you　see！〃

〃If　she　had　gone　on；　she　might　have　got　as　good　as　your　mother？〃

〃Oh；　hang　it！　no；　I　did　not　say　that！〃

〃I　mean；　with　God　teaching　her　all　the　timefor　ten　thousand　years；
sayand　she　always　doing　what　he　told　her！〃

〃Oh；　well！　I　don't　know　anything　about　that。　I　don't　know　what　God
had　to　do　with　my　mother　being　so　good！　She　was　none　of　your　canting
sort！〃

〃There　is　an　old　story；〃　said　Donal；　〃of　a　man　who　was　the　very
image　of　God；　and　ever　so　much　better　than　the　best　of　women。〃

〃He　couldn't　have　been　much　of　a　man　then！〃

〃Were　you　ever　afraid；　my　lord？〃

〃Yes；　several　timesmany　a　time。〃

〃That　man　never　knew　what　fear　was。〃

〃By　Jove！〃

〃His　mother　was　good；　and　he　was　better：　your　mother　was　good；　and
you　are　worse！　Whose　fault　is　that？〃

〃My　own；　I'm　not　ashamed　to　confess　it！〃

〃Would　to　God　you　were！〃　said　Donal：　〃you　shame　your　mother　in　being
worse　than　she　was。　You　were　made　in　the　image　of　God；　but　you　don't
look　like　him　now　any　more　than　you　look　like　your　mother。　I　have　a
father　and　mother；　my　lord；　as　like　God　as　they　can　look！〃

〃Of　course！　of　course！　In　their　position　there　are　no　such
temptations　as　in　ours！〃

〃I　am　sure　of　one　thing；　my　lordthat　you　will　never　be　at　any
peace　until　you　begin　to　show　the　image　in　which　you　were　made。　By
that　time　you　will　care　for　nothing　so　much　as　that　he　should　have
his　way　with　you　and　the　whole　world。〃

〃It　will　be　long　before　I　come　to　that！〃

〃Probably；　but　you　will　never　have　a　moment's　peace　till　you　begin。
It　is　no　use　talking　though。　God　has　not　made　you　miserable　enough
yet。〃

〃I　am　more　miserable　than　you　can　think。〃

〃Why　don't　you　cry　to　him　to　deliver　you？〃

〃I　would　kill　myself　if　it　weren't　for　one　thing。〃

〃It　is　from　yourself　he　would　deliver　you。〃

〃I　would；　but　that　I　want　to　put　off　seeing　my　wife　as　long　as　I
can。〃

〃I　thought　you　wanted　to　see　her！〃

〃I　long　for　her　sometimes　more　than　tongue　can　tell。〃

〃And　you　don't　want　to　see　her？〃

〃Not　yet；　not　just　yet。　I　should　like　to　be　a　little　betterto　do
something　or　otherI　don't　know　whatfirst。　I　doubt　if　she　would
touch　me　nowwith　that　small；　firm　hand　she　would　catch　hold　of　me
with　when　I　hurt　her。　By　Jove；　if　she　had　been　a　man；　she　would　have
made　her　mark　in　the　world！　She　had　a　will　and　a　way　with　her！　If　it
hadn't　been　that　she　loved　meme；　do　you　hear；　you　dog！though
there's　nobody　left　to　care　a　worm…eaten　nut　about　me；　it　makes　me
proud　as　Lucifer　merely　to　think　of　it！　I　don't　care　if　there's
never　another　to　love　me　to　all　eternity！　I　have　been　loved　as　never
man　was　loved！　All　for　my　own　sake；　mind　you！　In　the　way　of　money　I
was　no　great　catch；　and　for　the　rank；　she　never　got　any　good　of
that；　nor　would　if　she　had　lived　till　I　was　earl；　she　had　a
consciencewhich　I　never　hadand　would　never　have　consented　to　be
called　countess。　'It　will　be　no　worse　than　passing　for　my　wife　now；'
I　would　say。　'What's　either　but　an　appearance？　What's　any　thing　of
all　the　damned　humbug　but　appearance？　One　appearance　is　as　good　as
another　appearance！'　She　would　only　smilesmile　fit　to　make　a　mule
sad！　And　then　when　her　baby　was　dying；　and　she　wanted　me　to　take　her
for　a　minute；　and　I　wouldn't！　She　laid　her　down；　and　got　what　she
wanted　herself；　and　when　she　went　to　take　the　child　again；　the
absurd　little　thing　waswasgonedead；　I　mean　gone　dead；　never　to
cry　any　more！　There　it　lay　motionless；　like　a　lump　of　white　clay。
She　looked　at　meand　neverin　this　worldsmiled　again！nor　cried
eitherall　I　could　do　to　make　her！〃

The　wretched　man　burst　into　tears；　and　the　heart　of　Donal　gave　a
leap　for　joy。　Common　as　tears　are；　fall　as　they　may　for　the
foolishest　things；　they　may　yet　be　such　as　to　cause　joy　in　paradise。
The　man　himself　may　not　know　why　he　weeps；　and　his　tears　yet
indicate　his　turning　on　his　road。　The　earl　was　as　far　from　a　good
man　as　man　well　could　be；　there　were　millions　of　spiritual　miles
betwixt　him　and　the　image　of　God；　he　had　wept　it　was　hard　to　say　at
whatnot　at　his　own　cruelty；　not　at　his　wife's　suffering；　not　in
pity　of　the　little　soul　that　went　away　at　last　out　of　no　human
embrace；　himself　least　of　all　could　have　told　why　he　wept；　yet　was
that　weeping　some　sign　of　contact　between　his　human　soul　and　the
great　human　soul　of　God；　it　was　the　beginning　of　a　possible
communion　with　the　Father　of　all！　Surely　God　saw　this；　and　knew　the
heart　he　had　madesaw　the　flax　smoking　yet！　He　who　will　not　let　us
out　until　we　have　paid　the　uttermost　farthing；　rejoices　over　the
offer　of　the　first　golden　grain。

Donal　dropped　on　his　knees　and　prayed：

〃O　Father　of　us　all！〃　he　said；　〃in　whose　hands　are　these　unruly
hearts　of　ours；　we　cannot　manage　ourselves；　we　ruin　our　own　selves；
but　in　thee　is　our　help　found！〃

Prayer　went　from　him；　he　rose　from　his　knees。

〃Go　on；　go　on；　don't　stop！〃　cried　the　earl。　〃He　may　hear　youwho
can　tell！〃

Donal　went　down　on　his　knees　again。

〃O　God！〃　he　said；　〃thou　knowest　us；　whether　we　speak　to　thee　or　not；
take　from　this　man　his　hardness　of　heart。　Make　him　love　thee。〃

There　he　stopped　again。　He　could　say　no　more。

〃I　can't　pray；　my　lord；〃　he　said；　rising。　〃I　don't　know　why。　It
seems　as　if　nothing　I　said　meant　anything。　I　will　pray　for　you　when
I　am　alone。〃

〃Are　there　so　many　devils　about　me　that　an　honest　fellow　can't　pray
in　my　company？〃　cried　the　earl。　〃I　will　pray　myself；　in　spite　of　the
whole　swarm　of　them；　big　and　little！O　God；　save　me！　I　don't　want
to　be　damned。　I　will　be　good　if　thou　wilt　make　me。　I　don't