bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第175节
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that I have been mistaken in John Jarndyce。 My head may be
clearer when I am free of it； and I may then agree with what you
say today。 Very well。 Then I shall acknowledge it； and make him
reparation。”
Everything postponed to that imaginary time！ Everything held
in confusion and indecision until then！
“Now； my best of confidantes；” said Richard； “I want my cousin；
Ada； to understand that I am not captious； fickle； and wilful； about
John Jarndyce； but that I have this purpose and reason at my
back。 I wish to represent myself to her through you； because she
has a great esteem and respect for her cousin John； and I know
you will soften the course I take； even though you disapprove of it；
and—and in short；” said Richard； who had been hesitating
through these words； “I—I don’t like to represent myself in this
litigious； contentions； doubting character； to a confiding girl like
Ada。”
I told him that he was more like himself in those latter words；
than in anything he had said yet。
“Why；” acknowledged Richard； “that may be true enough； my
love。 I rather feel it to be so。 But I shall be able to give myself fair…
play by and by。 I shall come all right again； then； don’t you be
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afraid。”
I asked him if this were all he wished me to tell Ada？
“Not quite；” said Richard。 “I am bound not to withhold from
her that John Jarndyce answered my letter in his usual manner；
addressing me as ‘My dear Rick；’ trying to argue me out of my
opinions； and telling me that they should make no difference in
him。 （All very well of course； but not altering the case。） I also want
Ada to know； that if I see her seldom just now； I am looking after
her interests as well as my own—we two being in the same boat
exactly—and that I hope she will not suppose； from any flying
rumours she may hear； that I am at all light…headed or imprudent；
on the contrary； I am always looking forward to the termination of
the suit； and always planning in that direction。 Being of age now；
and having taken the step I have taken； I consider myself free from
any accountability to John Jarndyce； but Ada being still a ward of
the Court； I don’t ask her to renew our engagement。 When she is
free to act for herself； I shall be myself once more； and we shall
both be in very different worldly circumstances； I believe。 If you
will tell her all this with the advantage of your considerate way；
you will do me a very great and a very kind service； my dear
Esther； and I shall knock Jarndyce and Jarndyce on the head with
greater vigour。 Of course I ask for no secrecy at Bleak House。
“Richard；” said； “you place great confidence in me； but I fear
you will not take advice from me？”
“It’s impossible that I can on this subject； my dear girl。 On any
other； readily。”
As if there were any other in his life！ As if his whole career and
character were not being dyed one colour？
“But I may ask you a question； Richard？”
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“I think so；” said he laughing。 “I don’t know who may not； if
you may not。”
“You say； yourself； you are not leading a very settled life？”
“How can I； my dear Esther； with nothing settled？”
“Are you in debt again？”
“Why of course I am；” said Richard； astonished at my
simplicity。
“Is it of course？”
“My dear child； certainly。 I can’t throw myself into an object so
completely； without expense。 You forget； or perhaps you don’t
know； that under either of the wills Ada and I take something。 It’s
only a question between the larger sum and the smaller。 I shall be
within the mark anyway。 Bless your heart； my excellent girl；” said
Richard； quite amused with me； “I shall be all right。 I shall pull
through； my dear！”
I felt so deeply sensible of the danger in which he stood； that I
tried； in Ada’s name； in my Guardian’s； in my own； by every
fervent means that I could think of； to warn him of it； and to show
him some of his mistakes。 He received everything I said； with
patience and gentleness； but it all rebounded from him without
taking the least effect。 I could not wonder at this； after the
reception his preoccupied mind had given to my Guardian’s letter；
but I determined to try Ada’s influence yet。
So； when our walk brought us round to the village again； and I
went home to breakfast； I prepared Ada for the account I was
going to give her； and told her exactly what reason we had to
dread that Richard was losing himself； and scattering his whole
life to the winds。 It made her very unhappy； of course； though she
had a far； far greater reliance on his correcting his errors than I
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could have—which was so natural and loving in my dear！—and
she presently wrote him this little letter：—
“My Dearest Cousin；
Esther has told me all you said to her this morning。 I write this；
to repeat most earnestly for myself all that she said to you； and to
let you know how sure I am that you will sooner or later find our
cousin John a pattern of truth； sincerity； and goodness； when you
will deeply； deeply grieve to have done him （without intending it）
so much wrong。
“I do not quite know how to write what I wish to say next； but I
trust you will understand it as I mean it。 I have some fears； my
dearest cousin； that it may be partly for my sake you are now
laying up so much unhappiness for yourself—and if for yourself；
for me。 In case this should be so； or in case you should entertain
much thought of me in what you are doing； I most earnestly
entreat and beg you to desist。 You can do nothing for my sake that
will make me half so happy as for ever turning your back upon the
shadow in which we both were born。 Do not be angry with me for
saying this。 Pray； pray； dear Richard； for my sake； and for your
own； and in a natural repugnance for that source of trouble which
had its share in making us both orphans when we were very
young； pray； pray； let it go for ever。 We have reason to know； by
this time； that there is no good in it； and no hope； that there is
nothing to be got from it but sorrow。
“My dearest cousin； it is needless for me say that you are quite
free； and that it is very likely you may find some one whom you
will love much better than your first fancy。 I am quite sure； if you
will let me say so； that the object of your choice would greatly
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prefer to follow your fortunes far and wide； however moderate or
poor； and see you happy； doing your duty and pursuing your
chosen way： than to have the hope of being； or even to be； very
rich with you （if such a thing were possible）； at the cost of
dragging years of procrastination and anxiety； and of your
indifference to other aims。 You may wonder at my saying this so
confidently with so little knowledge or experience； but I know it
for a certainty from my own heart。
Ever； my dearest cousin； Your most affectionate；
ADA。”
This note brought Richard to us very soon
