speaking of operations(说起手术)-第6节
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roof of a greenhouse back of the parsonage； next door。 We crashed
through it with a perfectly terrific clatter of breaking glass and landed in a
bed of white flowers； all soft and downy； like feathers。
And then Doctor Z stood up and combed the debris out of his whiskers
and remarked that； taking it by and large； it had been one of the pleasantest
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little outings he had enjoyed in the entire course of his practice。 He said
that as a patient I was fair； but as a balloon I was immense。 He asked me
whether I had seen anything of his umbrella and began looking round for
it。 I tried to help him look； but I was too tired to exert myself much。 I
told him I believed I would take a little nap。
I opened a dizzy eye part way。 So this was heaventhis white
expanse that swung and swam before my languid gaze？ No； it could not
beit did not smell like heaven。 It smelled like a hospital。 It was a
hospital。 It was my hospital。 My nurse was bending over me and I
caught a faint whiff of the starch in the front of her crisp blue blouse。
She was two…headed for the moment； but that was a mere detail。 She
settled a pillow under my head and told me to lie quiet。
I meant to lie quiet； I did not have to be told。 I wanted to lie quiet
and hurt。 I was hurty from head to toe and back again； and crosswise and
cater…cornered。 I hurt diagonally and lengthwise and on the bias。 I had
a taste in my mouth like a bird…and…animal store。 And empty！ It
seemed to me those doctors had not left anything inside of me except the
acoustics。 Well； there was a mite of consolation there。 If the
overhauling had been as thorough as I had reason to believe it was from
my present sensations； I need never fear catching anything again so long
as I lived； except possibly dandruff。
I waved the nurse away。 I craved solitude。 I desired only to lie
there in that bed and hurtwhich I did。
I had said beforehand I meant to stay in St。 Germicide's for two or
three days only。 It is when I look back on that resolution I emit the
hollow laugh elsewhere referred to。 For exactly four weeks I was flat on
my back。 I know now how excessively wearied a man can get of his own
back； how tired of it； how bored with it！ And after that another two weeks
elapsed before my legs became the same dependable pair of legs I had
known in the past。
I did not want to eat at first； and when I did begin to want to they
would not let me。 If I felt sort of peckish they let me suck a little glass
thermometer； but there is not much nourishment really in thermometers。
And for entertainment； to wile the dragging hours away； I could count the
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cracks in the ceiling and read my temperature chart； which was a good
deal like Red Ames' batting average for the past seasonranging from
ninety…nine to one hundred and four。
Also； through daily conversations with my nurse and with the surgeons
who dropped in from time to time to have a look at me； I learned； as I lay
there； a great deal about the medical profession that is； a great deal for a
laymanand what I learned filled me with an abiding admiration for it；
both as a science and as a business。 This surely is one profession which
ever keeps its face to the front。 Burying its past mistakes and forgetting
them as speedily as possible； it pushes straight forward into fresh fields
and fresh patients； always hopeful of what the future may bring in the way
of newly discovered and highly expensive ailments。 As we look
backward upon the centuries we are astonished by its advancement。 I did
a good deal of looking backwards upon the centuries during my sojourn at
St。 Germicide's。
Take the Middle Ages nowthe period when a barber and a surgeon
were one and the same。 If a man made a failure as a barber he turned his
talents to surgery。 Surgeons in those times were a husky breed。 I judge
they worked by the day instead of by piecework； anyhow the records show
they were very fond of experiments where somebody else furnished the
raw material。
When there came a resounding knock at the tradesman's entrance of
the moated grange； the lord of the manor； looking over the portcullis and
seeing a lusty wight standing down below； in a leather apron； with his
sleeves rolled up and a kit of soldering tools under his arm； didn't know
until he made inquiry whether the gentle stranger had come to mend the
drain or remove the cook's leg。
A little later along； when gunpowder had come into general use as a
humanizing factor of civilization； surgeons treated a gunshot wound by
pouring boiling lard into it； which I would say was calculated to take the
victim's mind off his wound and give him something else to think about
for the time being； anyhow。 I assume the notion of applying a mustard
plaster outside one's stomach when one has a pain inside one's stomach is
based on the same principle。
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However； one doesn't have to go clear back to medieval times to note
the radical differences in the plan of treating human ailments。 A great
many persons who are still living can remember when the doctors were
not nearly so numerous as they are now。 I； for one； would be the last to
reverse the sentence and say that because the doctors were not nearly so
numerous then as they are now； those persons are still living so
numerously。
In the spring of the year； when the sap flowed and the birds mated； the
sturdy farmer felt that he was due to have something the matter with him；
too。 So he would ride into the country…seat and get an almanac。
Doubtless the reader； if country raised； has seen copies of this popular
work。 On the outside cover； which was dark blue in color； there was a
picture of a person whose stomach was sliced four ways； like a twenty…
cent pie； and then folded back neatly； thus exposing his entire interior
arrangements to the gaze of the casual observer。 However； this party；
judging by his picture； did not appear to be suffering。 He did not even
seem to fear that he might catch cold from standing there in his own
draught。 He was gazing off into space in an absent…minded kind of way；
apparently not aware that anything was wrong with him； and on all sides
he was surrounded by interesting exhibits； such as a crab； and a scorpion；
and a goat； and a chap with a bow and arrowand one thing and another。
Such was the main design of the cover； while the contents were made
up of recognized and standard varieties in the line of jokes and the line of
diseases which alternated； with first a favorite joke and then a favorite
disease。 The author who wrote the descriptions of the diseases was one
of the most convincing writers that ever lived anywhere。 As a realist he
had no superiors among those using our language as a vehicle for the
expression of thought。 He was a wonder。 If a person wasn't particular
about what ailed him he could read any page at random and have one
specific disease。 Or he could read the whole book through and have them
all； in their most advanced stages。 Then the only thing that could save
him was a large dollar bottle。
Again； in attacks of the breakbone ague or malaria it was customary to
call in a local practitioner； generally an elderly lady of the neighborhood
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