speaking of operations(说起手术)-第5节
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enjoyed that part of it。 So far as I am able to recall； it was the only shave
I have ever had where the operator did not spray me with cheap perfumery
afterward and then try to sell me a bottle of hair tonic。
Having shaved me； the young man did me up amidships in a neat cloth
parcel； took his kit under his arm and went away。
It occurred to me that； considering the trivial nature of the case； a good
deal of fuss was being made over me by persons who could have no
personal concern in the matter whatsoever。 This thought recurred to me
frequently as I lay there all tied in a bundle like a week's washing。 I did
not feel quite so uppish as I had felt。 Why was everybody picking on me？
Anon I slept； but dreamed fitfully。 I dreamed that a whole flock of
surgeons came to my bedside and charted me out in sections； like one of
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those diagram pictures you see of a beef in the Handy Compendium of
Universal Knowledge； showing the various cuts and the butcher's pet
name for each cut。 Each man took his favorite joint and carried it away；
and when they were all gone I was merely a recent site； full of
reverberating echoes and nothing else。
I have had happier dreams in my time； this was not the kind of dream I
should have selected had the choice been left to me。
When I woke the young sun was shining in at the window； and an
orderlynot the orderly who had shaved me； but another onewas there in
my room and my nurse was waiting outside the door。 The orderly
dressed me in a quaint suit of pyjamas cut on the half shell and buttoning
stylishly in the back； princesse mode。 Then he rolled in a flat litter on
wheels and stretched me on it； and covered me up with a white tablecloth；
just as though I had been cold Sunday…night supper； and we started for the
operating…room at the top of the building； but before we started I lit a large
black cigar； as Gen。 U。 S。 Grant used to do when he went into battle。 I
wished by this to show how indifferent I was。 Maybe he fooled
somebody； but I do not believe I possess the same powers of simulation
that Grant had。 He must have been a very remarkable manGrant must。
The orderly and the nurse trundled me out into the hall and loaded me
into an elevator； which was to carry us up to the top of the hospital。
Several other nurses were already in the elevator。 As we came aboard
one of them remarked that it was a fine day。 A fine day for what？ She
did not finish the sentence。
Everybody wore a serious look。 Inside of myself I felt pretty serious
tooserious enough for ten or twelve。 I had meant to fling off several
very bright； spontaneous quips on the way to the table。 I thought them
out in advance； but now； somehow； none of them seemed appropriate。
Instinctively； as it were； I felt that humor was out of place here。
I never knew an elevator to progress from the third floor of a building
to the ninth with such celerity as this one on which we were traveling
progressed。 Personally I was in no mood for haste。 If there was anyone
else in all that great hospital who was in a particular hurry to be operated
on I was perfectly willing to wait。 But alas； no！ The mechanism of the
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elevator was in perfect order entirely too perfect。 No accident of any
character whatsoever befell us en route； no dropping back into the
basement with a low； grateful thud； no hitch； no delay of any kind。 We
were certainly out of luck that trip。 The demon of a joyrider who
operated the accursed device jerked a lever and up we soared at a
distressingly high rate of speed。 If I could have had my way about that
youth he would have been arrested for speeding。
Now we were there！ They rolled into a large room； all white； with a
rounded ceiling like the inside of an egg。 Right away I knew what the
feelings of a poor； lonely little yolk are when the spoon begins to chip the
shell。 If I had not been so busy feeling sorry for myself I think I might
have developed quite an active sympathy for yolks。
My impression had been that this was to be in the nature of a private
affair； without invitations。 I was astonished to note that quite a crowd
had assembled for the opening exercises。 From his attire and general
deportment I judged that Doctor Z was going to be the master of the revels；
he being attired appropriately in a white domino； with rubber gloves and a
fancy cap of crash toweling。 There were present； also； my diagnostic
friend； Doctor X； likewise in fancy…dress costume； and a surgeon I had
never met。 From what I could gather he was going over the course
behind Doctor Z to replace the divots。
And there was an interne in the background； playing caddy； as it were；
and a head nurse； who was going to keep the score； and two other nurses；
who were going to help her keep it。 I only hoped that they would show
no partiality； but be as fair to me as they were to Doctor Z； and that he
would go round in par。
So they placed me right where my eyes might rest on a large wall
cabinet full of very shiny…looking tools； and they took my cigar away from
me and folded my hands on the wide bowknot of my sash。 Then they put a
cloth dingus over my face and a voice of authority told me to breathe。
That advice； however； was superfluous and might just as well have been
omitted； for such was my purpose anyhow。 Ever since I can recall
anything at all； breathing has been a regular habit with me。 So I breathed。
And； at that； a bottle of highly charged sarsaparilla exploded somewhere in
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the immediate vicinity and most of its contents went up my nose。
I started to tell them that somebody had been fooling with their ether
and adulterating it； and that if they thought they could send me off to sleep
with soda pop they were making the mistake of their lives； because it just
naturally could not be done； but for some reason or other I decided to put
off speaking about the matter for a few minutes。 I breathed againagain…
…agai
I was going away from there。 I was in a large gas balloon； soaring up
into the clouds。 How pleasant！ 。。。 No； by Jove！ I was not in a balloonI
myself was the balloon； which was not quite so pleasant。 Besides； Doctor
Z was going along as a passenger； and as we traveled up and up he kept
jabbing me in the midriff with the ferrule of a large umbrella which he had
brought along with him in case of rain。 He jabbed me harder and harder。
I remonstrated with him。 I told him I was a bit tender in that locality and
the ferrule of his umbrella was sharp。 He would not listen。 He kept on
jabbing me。
Something broke！ We started back down to earth。 We fell faster and
faster。 We fell nine miles； and after that I began to get used to it。 Then I
saw the earth beneath and it was rising up to meet us。
A town was belowa town that grew larger and larger as we neared it。
I could make out the bonded indebtedness； and the Carnegie Library； and
the moving…picture palaces； and the new dancing parlor； and other
principal points of interest。
At the rate we were falling we were certainly going to make an awful
splatter in that town when we hit。 I was sorry for the street…cleaning
department。
We fell another half mile or so。 A spire was sticking up into the sky
directly beneath us； like a spear； to impale us。 By a supreme effort I
twisted out of the way of that spire； only to strike squarely on top of the
roof of a greenhouse back of the parsonage； n
