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第6节

the lion and the unicorn-第6节

小说: the lion and the unicorn 字数: 每页4000字

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pounds for that;〃 she said。

〃Take it; please;〃 Helen begged; as though she feared if she
kept it a moment longer she might not be able to make the
sacrifice。

〃That will be enough now;〃 she went on; taking out her ten…pound
note。  She put Lady Gower's ring back upon her finger and picked
up Philip's ring and watch with the pleasure of one who has come
into a great fortune。  She turned back at the door。

〃Oh;〃 she stammered; 〃in case any one should inquire; you are not
to say who bought these。〃

〃No; miss; certainly not;〃 said the woman。  Helen gave the
direction to the cabman and; closing the doors of the hansom; sat
looking down at the watch and the ring; as they lay in her lap。 
The thought that they had been his most valued possessions; which
he had abandoned forever; and that they were now entirely hers;
to do with as she liked; filled her with most intense delight and
pleasure。  She took up the heavy gold ring and placed it on the
little finger of her left hand; it was much too large; and she
removed it and balanced it for a moment doubtfully in the palm of
her right hand。  She was smiling; and her face was lit with
shy and tender thoughts。  She cast a quick glance to the left and
right as though fearful that people passing in the street would
observe her; and then slipped the ring over the fourth finger of
her left hand。  She gazed at it with a guilty smile and then;
covering it hastily with her other hand; leaned back; clasping it
closely; and sat frowning far out before her with puzzled eyes。

To Carroll all roads led past Helen's studio; and during the
summer; while she had been absent in Scotland it was one of his
sad pleasures to make a pilgrimage to her street and to pause
opposite the house and look up at the empty windows of her rooms。

It was during this daily exercise that he learned; through the
arrival of her luggage; of her return to London; and when day
followed day without her having shown any desire to see him or to
tell him of her return he denounced himself most bitterly as a
fatuous fool。

At the end of the week he sat down and considered his case quite
calmly。  For three years he had loved this girl; deeply and
tenderly。  He had been lover; brother; friend; and guardian。 
During that time; even though she had accepted him in every
capacity except as that of the prospective husband; she had never
given him any real affection; nor sympathy; nor help; all she had
done for him had been done without her knowledge or intent。  To
know her; to love her; and to scheme to give her pleasure had
been its own reward; and the only one。  For the last few months
he had been living like a crossing…sweeper in order to be able to
stay in London until she came back to it; and that he might still
send her the gifts he had always laid on her altar。  He had not
seen her in three months。  Three months that had been to him a
blank; except for his workwhich like all else that he did; was
inspired and carried on for her。  Now at last she had returned
and had shown that; even as a friend; he was of so little account
in her thoughts; of so little consequence in her life; that after
this long absence she had no desire to learn of his welfare or to
see himshe did not even give him the chance to see her。  And
so; placing these facts before him for the first time since
he had loved her; he considered what was due to himself。  〃Was it
good enough?〃 he asked。  〃Was it just that he should continue to
wear out his soul and body for this girl who did not want what he
had to give; who treated him less considerately than a man whom
she met for the first time at dinner?  He felt he had reached the
breaking…point; that the time had come when he must consider what
he owed to himself。  There could never be any other woman save
Helen; but as it was not to be Helen; he could no longer; with
self…respect; continue to proffer his love only to see it
slighted and neglected。  He was humble enough concerning himself;
but of his love he was very proud。  Other men could give her more
in wealth or position; but no one could ever love her as he did。 
〃He that hath more let him give;〃 he had often quoted to her
defiantly; as though he were challenging the world; and now he
felt he must evolve a make…shift world of his owna world in
which she was not his only spring of acts; he must begin all over
again and keep his love secret and sacred until she
understood it and wanted it。  And if she should never want it he
would at least have saved it from many rebuffs and insults。

With this determination strong in him; the note Helen had left
for him after her talk with Marion; and the flowers; and the note
with them; saying she was coming to take tea on the morrow;
failed to move him except to make him more bitter。  He saw in
them only a tardy recognition of her neglectan effort to make
up to him for thoughtlessness which; from her; hurt him worse
than studied slight。

A new regime had begun; and he was determined to establish it
firmly and to make it impossible for himself to retreat from it;
and in the note in which he thanked Helen for the flowers and
welcomed her to tea; he declared his ultimatum。

〃You know how terribly I feel;〃 he wrote; 〃I don't have to tell
you that; but I cannot always go on dragging out my love and
holding it up to excite your pity as beggars show their sores。  I
cannot always go on praying before your altar; cutting myself
with knives and calling upon you to listen to me。  You know
that there is no one else but you; and that there never can be
any one but you; and that nothing is changed except that after
this I am not going to urge and torment you。  I shall wait as I
have always waitedonly now I shall wait in silence。  You know
just how little; in one way; I have to offer you; and you know
just how much I have in love to offer you。  It is now for you to
speaksome day; or never。  But you will have to speak first。 
You will never hear a word of love from me again。  Why should
you?  You know it is always waiting for you。  But if you should
ever want it; you must come to me; and take off your hat and put
it on my table and say; 'Philip; I have come to stay。'  Whether
you can ever do that or not can make no difference in my love for
you。  I shall love you always; as no man has ever loved a woman
in this world; but it is you who must speak first; for me; the
rest is silence。〃

The following morning as Helen was leaving the house she found
this letter lying on the hall…table; and ran back with it to her
rooms。  A week before she would have let it lie on the table
and read it on her return。  She was conscious that this was what
she would have done; and it pleased her to find that what
concerned Philip was now to her the thing of greatest interest。 
She was pleased with her own eagernessher own happiness was a
welcome sign; and she was proud and glad that she was learning to
care。

She read the letter with an anxious pride and pleasure in each
word that was entirely new。  Philip's recriminations did not hurt
her; they were the sign that he cared; nor did his determination
not to speak of his love to her hurt her; for she believed him
when he said that he would always care。  She read the letter
twice; and then sat for some time considering the kind of letter
Philip would have written had he known her secrethad he known
that the ring he had abandoned was now upon her finger。

She rose and; crossing to a desk; placed the letter in a drawer;
and then took it out again and re…read the last page。  When she
had finished it she was smiling。  For a moment she stood
irresolute; and then; moving slowly toward the centre…table; cast
a guilty look about her and; raising her hands; lifted her
veil and half withdrew the pins that fastened her hat。

〃Philip;〃 she began in a frightened whisper; 〃I haveI have come
to〃

The sentence ended in a cry of protest; and she rushed across the
room as though she were running from herself。  She was blushing
violently。

〃Never!〃 she cried; as she pulled open the door; 〃I could never
do itnever!〃

The following afternoon; when Helen was to come to tea; Carroll
decided that he would receive her with all the old friendliness;
but that he must be careful to subdue all emotion。

He was really deeply hurt at her treatment; and had it not been
that she came on her own invitation he would not of his own
accord have sought to see her。  In consequence; he rather
welcomed than otherwise the arrival of Marion Cavendish; who came
a half…hour before Helen was expected; and who followed a hasty
knock with a precipitate entrance。

〃Sit down;〃 she commanded breathlessly; 〃and listen。  I've been
at rehearsal all day; or I'd have been here before you were
awake。〃  She seated herself nervously and nodded her head at
Carroll in an excited and mysterious manner。

〃What is it?〃 he asked。  〃Have you and Reggie〃

〃Listen;〃 Marion repeated; 〃our fortunes are made; that is what's
the matterand I've made them。  If you took half the interest in
your work I do; you'd have made yours long ago。  Last night;〃 she
began impressively; 〃I went to a large supper at the Savoy; and I
sat next to Charley

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