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hopelessly pinched and distorted。



How can you expect that those poor creatures are to move

naturally when the world and their parents have mutilated

them so cruelly?  As long as a COURT CIRCULAR exists; how

the deuce are people whose names are chronicled in it

ever to believe themselves the equals of the cringing

race which daily reads that abominable trash?  I believe

that ours is the only country in the world now where the

COURT CIRCULAR remains in full flourishwhere you read;

'This day his Royal Highness Prince Pattypan was taken an

airing in his go…cart。'  'The Princess Pimminy was taken

a drive; attended by her ladies of honour; and

accompanied by her doll;' &c。  We laugh at the solemnity

with which Saint Simon announces that SA MAJESTE SE

MEDICAMENTE AUJOURD'HUI。  Under our very noses the same

folly is daily going on。  〃That wonderful and mysterious

man; the author of the COURT CIRCULAR; drops in with his

budget at the newspaper offices every night。  I once

asked the editor of a paper to allow me to lie in wait

and see him。



I am told that in a kingdom where there is a German King…

Consort (Portugal it must be; for the Queen of that

country married a German Prince; who is greatly admired

and respected by the natives); whenever the Consort takes

the diversion of shooting among the rabbit…warrens of

Cintra; or the pheasant…preserve of Mafra; he has a

keeper to load his guns; as a matter of course; and then

they are handed to the nobleman; his equerry; and the

nobleman hands them to the Prince who blazes awaygives

back the discharged gun to the nobleman; who gives it to

the keeper; and so on。  But the Prince WON'T TAKE THE GUN

FROM THE HANDS OF THE LOADER。



As long as this unnatural and monstrous etiquette

continues; Snobs there must be。  The three persons

engaged in this transaction are; for the time being;

Snobs。



1。  The keeperthe least Snob of all; because he is

discharging his daily duty; but he appears here as a

Snob; that is to say; in a position of debasement;before

another human being (the Prince); with whom he is allowed

to cemmunicate through another party。  A free Portuguese

gamekeeper; who professes himself to be unworthy to

communicate directly with any person; confesses himself

to be a Snob。



2。  The nobleman in waiting is a Snob。  If it degrades

the Prince to receive the gun from the gamekeeper; it is

degrading to the nobleman in waiting to execute that

service。  He acts as a Snob towards the keeper; whom he

keeps from communication with the Princea Snob to the

Prince; to whom he pays a degrading homage。



3。  The King…Consort of Portugal is a Snob for insulting

fellow…men in this way。  There's no harm in his accepting

the services of the keeper directly; but indirectly he

insults the service performed; and the servants who

perform it; and therefore; I say; respectfully; is a most

undoubted; though royal Snob。



And then you read in the DIARIO DO GOBERNO'Yesterday

his Majesty the King took the diversion of shooting the

woods off Cintra; attended by Colonel the honourable

Whiskerando Sombrero。  His Majesty returned to the

Necessidades to lunch; at;' &c。 &c。。



Oh! that COURT CIRCULAR! once more; I exclaim。



Down with the COURT CIRCULARthat engine and propagator

of Snobbishness!  I promise to subscribe for a year to

any daily paper that shall come out without a COURT

CIRCULARwere it the MORNING HERALD itself。  When I read

that trash; I rise in my wrath; I feel myself disloyal; a

regicide; a member of the Calf's Head Club。  The only

COURT CIRCULAR story which ever pleased me; was that of

the King of Spain; who in great part was roasted; because

there was not time for the Prime Minister to command the

Lord Chamberlain to desire the Grand Gold Stick to order

the first page in waiting to bid the chief of the

flunkeys to request the House…maid of Honour to bring up

a pail of water to put his Majesty out。



I am like the Pasha of three tails; to whom the Sultan

sends HIS COURT CIRCULAR; the bowstring。



It CHOKES me。  May its usage be abolished for ever。







CHAPTER V



WHAT SNOBS ADMIRE



Now let us consider how difficult it is even for great

men to escape from being Snobs。  It is very well for the

reader; whose fine feelings are disgusted by the

assertion that Kings; Princes; Lords; are Snobs; to say

'You are confessedly a Snob yourself。  In professing to

depict Snobs; it is only your own ugly mug which you are

copying with a Narcissus…like conceit and fatuity。'  But

I shall pardon this explosion of ill…temper on the part

of my constant reader; reflecting upon the misfortune of

his birth and country。  It is impossible for ANY Briton;

perhaps; not to be a Snob in some degree。  If people can

be convinced of this fact; an immense point is gained;

surely。  If I have pointed out the disease; let us hope

that other scientific characters may discover the remedy。



If you; who are a person of the middle ranks of life; are

a Snob;you whom nobody flatters particularly; you who

have no toadies; you whom no cringing flunkeys or shopmen

bow out of doors; you whom the policeman tells to move

on; you who are jostled in the crowd of this world; and

amongst the Snobs our brethren: consider how much harder

it is for a man to escape who has not your advantages;

and is all his life long subject to adulation; the butt

of meanness; consider how difficult it is for the Snobs'

idol not to be a Snob。



As I was discoursing with my friend Eugenio in this

impressive way; Lord Buckram passed us; the son of the

Marquis of Bagwig; and knocked at the door of the family

mansion in Red Lion Square。  His noble father and mother

occupied; as everybody knows; distinguished posts in the

Courts of late Sovereigns。  The Marquis was Lord of the

Pantry; and her Ladyship; Lady of the Powder Closet to

Queen Charlotte。  Buck (as I call him; for we are very

familiar) gave me a nod as he passed; and I proceeded to

show Eugenio how it was impossible that this nobleman

should not be one of ourselves; having been practised

upon by Snobs all his life。



His parents resolved to give him a public education; and

sent him to school at the earliest possible period。  The

Reverend Otto Rose; D。D。; Principal of the Preparatory

Academy for young noblemen and gentlemen; Richmond Lodge;

took this little Lord in hand; and fell down and

worshipped him。  He always introduced him to fathers and

mothers who came to visit their children at the school。

He referred with pride and pleasure to the most noble the

Marquis of Bagwig; as one of the kind friends and patrons

of his Seminary。  He made Lord Buckram a bait for such a

multiplicity of pupils; that a new wing was built to

Richmond Lodge; and thirty…five new little white dimity

beds were added to the establishment。  Mm。 Rose used to

take out the little Lord in the one…horse chaise with her

when she paid visits; until the Rector's lady and the

Surgeon's wife almost died with envy。  His own son and

Lord Buckram having been discovered robbing an orchard

together; the Doctor flogged his own flesh and blood most

unmercifully for leading the young Lord astray。  He

parted from him with tears。  There was always a letter

directed to the Most Noble the Marquis ef Bagwig; on the

Doctor's study table; when any visitors were received by

him。



At Eton; a great deal of Snobbishness was thrashed out of

Lord Buckram; and he was birched with perfect

impartiality。  Even there; however; a select band of

sucking tuft…hunters followed him。  Young Croesus lent

him three…and…twenty bran…new sovereigns out of his

father's bank。  Young Snaily did his exercises for him;

and tried 'to know him at home;' but Young Bull licked

him in a fight of fifty…five minutes; and he was caned

several times with great advantage for not sufficiently

polishing his master Smith's shoes。  Boys are not ALL

toadies in the morning of life。



But when he went to the University; crowds of toadies

sprawled over him。  The tutors toadied him。  The fellows

in hall paid him great clumsy compliments。  The Dean

never remarked his absence from Chapel; or heard any

noise issuing from his rooms。  A number of respectable

young fellows; (it is among the respectable; the Baker

Street class; that Snobbishness flourishes; more than

among any set of people in England)a number of these

clung to him like leeches。  There was no end now to

Croesus's loans of money; and Buckram couldn't ride out

with the hounds; but Snaily (a timid creature by nature)

was in the field; and would take any leap at which his

friend chose to ride。  Young Rose came up to the same

College; having been kept back for that express purpose

by his father。  He spent a quarter's allowance in giving

Buckram a single dinner; but he knew there was always

pardon for him for extravagance in such a cause; a

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