the book of snobs-第5节

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hopelessly　pinched　and　distorted。



How　can　you　expect　that　those　poor　creatures　are　to　move

naturally　when　the　world　and　their　parents　have　mutilated

them　so　cruelly？　　As　long　as　a　COURT　CIRCULAR　exists；　how

the　deuce　are　people　whose　names　are　chronicled　in　it

ever　to　believe　themselves　the　equals　of　the　cringing

race　which　daily　reads　that　abominable　trash？　　I　believe

that　ours　is　the　only　country　in　the　world　now　where　the

COURT　CIRCULAR　remains　in　full　flourishwhere　you　read；

'This　day　his　Royal　Highness　Prince　Pattypan　was　taken　an

airing　in　his　go…cart。'　　'The　Princess　Pimminy　was　taken

a　drive；　attended　by　her　ladies　of　honour；　and

accompanied　by　her　doll；'　&c。　　We　laugh　at　the　solemnity

with　which　Saint　Simon　announces　that　SA　MAJESTE　SE

MEDICAMENTE　AUJOURD'HUI。　　Under　our　very　noses　the　same

folly　is　daily　going　on。　　〃That　wonderful　and　mysterious

man；　the　author　of　the　COURT　CIRCULAR；　drops　in　with　his

budget　at　the　newspaper　offices　every　night。　　I　once

asked　the　editor　of　a　paper　to　allow　me　to　lie　in　wait

and　see　him。



I　am　told　that　in　a　kingdom　where　there　is　a　German　King…

Consort　（Portugal　it　must　be；　for　the　Queen　of　that

country　married　a　German　Prince；　who　is　greatly　admired

and　respected　by　the　natives）；　whenever　the　Consort　takes

the　diversion　of　shooting　among　the　rabbit…warrens　of

Cintra；　or　the　pheasant…preserve　of　Mafra；　he　has　a

keeper　to　load　his　guns；　as　a　matter　of　course；　and　then

they　are　handed　to　the　nobleman；　his　equerry；　and　the

nobleman　hands　them　to　the　Prince　who　blazes　awaygives

back　the　discharged　gun　to　the　nobleman；　who　gives　it　to

the　keeper；　and　so　on。　　But　the　Prince　WON'T　TAKE　THE　GUN

FROM　THE　HANDS　OF　THE　LOADER。



As　long　as　this　unnatural　and　monstrous　etiquette

continues；　Snobs　there　must　be。　　The　three　persons

engaged　in　this　transaction　are；　for　the　time　being；

Snobs。



1。　　The　keeperthe　least　Snob　of　all；　because　he　is

discharging　his　daily　duty；　but　he　appears　here　as　a

Snob；　that　is　to　say；　in　a　position　of　debasement；before

another　human　being　（the　Prince）；　with　whom　he　is　allowed

to　cemmunicate　through　another　party。　　A　free　Portuguese

gamekeeper；　who　professes　himself　to　be　unworthy　to

communicate　directly　with　any　person；　confesses　himself

to　be　a　Snob。



2。　　The　nobleman　in　waiting　is　a　Snob。　　If　it　degrades

the　Prince　to　receive　the　gun　from　the　gamekeeper；　it　is

degrading　to　the　nobleman　in　waiting　to　execute　that

service。　　He　acts　as　a　Snob　towards　the　keeper；　whom　he

keeps　from　communication　with　the　Princea　Snob　to　the

Prince；　to　whom　he　pays　a　degrading　homage。



3。　　The　King…Consort　of　Portugal　is　a　Snob　for　insulting

fellow…men　in　this　way。　　There's　no　harm　in　his　accepting

the　services　of　the　keeper　directly；　but　indirectly　he

insults　the　service　performed；　and　the　servants　who

perform　it；　and　therefore；　I　say；　respectfully；　is　a　most

undoubted；　though　royal　Snob。



And　then　you　read　in　the　DIARIO　DO　GOBERNO'Yesterday

his　Majesty　the　King　took　the　diversion　of　shooting　the

woods　off　Cintra；　attended　by　Colonel　the　honourable

Whiskerando　Sombrero。　　His　Majesty　returned　to　the

Necessidades　to　lunch；　at；'　&c。　&c。。



Oh！　that　COURT　CIRCULAR！　once　more；　I　exclaim。



Down　with　the　COURT　CIRCULARthat　engine　and　propagator

of　Snobbishness！　　I　promise　to　subscribe　for　a　year　to

any　daily　paper　that　shall　come　out　without　a　COURT

CIRCULARwere　it　the　MORNING　HERALD　itself。　　When　I　read

that　trash；　I　rise　in　my　wrath；　I　feel　myself　disloyal；　a

regicide；　a　member　of　the　Calf's　Head　Club。　　The　only

COURT　CIRCULAR　story　which　ever　pleased　me；　was　that　of

the　King　of　Spain；　who　in　great　part　was　roasted；　because

there　was　not　time　for　the　Prime　Minister　to　command　the

Lord　Chamberlain　to　desire　the　Grand　Gold　Stick　to　order

the　first　page　in　waiting　to　bid　the　chief　of　the

flunkeys　to　request　the　House…maid　of　Honour　to　bring　up

a　pail　of　water　to　put　his　Majesty　out。



I　am　like　the　Pasha　of　three　tails；　to　whom　the　Sultan

sends　HIS　COURT　CIRCULAR；　the　bowstring。



It　CHOKES　me。　　May　its　usage　be　abolished　for　ever。







CHAPTER　V



WHAT　SNOBS　ADMIRE



Now　let　us　consider　how　difficult　it　is　even　for　great

men　to　escape　from　being　Snobs。　　It　is　very　well　for　the

reader；　whose　fine　feelings　are　disgusted　by　the

assertion　that　Kings；　Princes；　Lords；　are　Snobs；　to　say

'You　are　confessedly　a　Snob　yourself。　　In　professing　to

depict　Snobs；　it　is　only　your　own　ugly　mug　which　you　are

copying　with　a　Narcissus…like　conceit　and　fatuity。'　　But

I　shall　pardon　this　explosion　of　ill…temper　on　the　part

of　my　constant　reader；　reflecting　upon　the　misfortune　of

his　birth　and　country。　　It　is　impossible　for　ANY　Briton；

perhaps；　not　to　be　a　Snob　in　some　degree。　　If　people　can

be　convinced　of　this　fact；　an　immense　point　is　gained；

surely。　　If　I　have　pointed　out　the　disease；　let　us　hope

that　other　scientific　characters　may　discover　the　remedy。



If　you；　who　are　a　person　of　the　middle　ranks　of　life；　are

a　Snob；you　whom　nobody　flatters　particularly；　you　who

have　no　toadies；　you　whom　no　cringing　flunkeys　or　shopmen

bow　out　of　doors；　you　whom　the　policeman　tells　to　move

on；　you　who　are　jostled　in　the　crowd　of　this　world；　and

amongst　the　Snobs　our　brethren：　consider　how　much　harder

it　is　for　a　man　to　escape　who　has　not　your　advantages；

and　is　all　his　life　long　subject　to　adulation；　the　butt

of　meanness；　consider　how　difficult　it　is　for　the　Snobs'

idol　not　to　be　a　Snob。



As　I　was　discoursing　with　my　friend　Eugenio　in　this

impressive　way；　Lord　Buckram　passed　us；　the　son　of　the

Marquis　of　Bagwig；　and　knocked　at　the　door　of　the　family

mansion　in　Red　Lion　Square。　　His　noble　father　and　mother

occupied；　as　everybody　knows；　distinguished　posts　in　the

Courts　of　late　Sovereigns。　　The　Marquis　was　Lord　of　the

Pantry；　and　her　Ladyship；　Lady　of　the　Powder　Closet　to

Queen　Charlotte。　　Buck　（as　I　call　him；　for　we　are　very

familiar）　gave　me　a　nod　as　he　passed；　and　I　proceeded　to

show　Eugenio　how　it　was　impossible　that　this　nobleman

should　not　be　one　of　ourselves；　having　been　practised

upon　by　Snobs　all　his　life。



His　parents　resolved　to　give　him　a　public　education；　and

sent　him　to　school　at　the　earliest　possible　period。　　The

Reverend　Otto　Rose；　D。D。；　Principal　of　the　Preparatory

Academy　for　young　noblemen　and　gentlemen；　Richmond　Lodge；

took　this　little　Lord　in　hand；　and　fell　down　and

worshipped　him。　　He　always　introduced　him　to　fathers　and

mothers　who　came　to　visit　their　children　at　the　school。

He　referred　with　pride　and　pleasure　to　the　most　noble　the

Marquis　of　Bagwig；　as　one　of　the　kind　friends　and　patrons

of　his　Seminary。　　He　made　Lord　Buckram　a　bait　for　such　a

multiplicity　of　pupils；　that　a　new　wing　was　built　to

Richmond　Lodge；　and　thirty…five　new　little　white　dimity

beds　were　added　to　the　establishment。　　Mm。　Rose　used　to

take　out　the　little　Lord　in　the　one…horse　chaise　with　her

when　she　paid　visits；　until　the　Rector's　lady　and　the

Surgeon's　wife　almost　died　with　envy。　　His　own　son　and

Lord　Buckram　having　been　discovered　robbing　an　orchard

together；　the　Doctor　flogged　his　own　flesh　and　blood　most

unmercifully　for　leading　the　young　Lord　astray。　　He

parted　from　him　with　tears。　　There　was　always　a　letter

directed　to　the　Most　Noble　the　Marquis　ef　Bagwig；　on　the

Doctor's　study　table；　when　any　visitors　were　received　by

him。



At　Eton；　a　great　deal　of　Snobbishness　was　thrashed　out　of

Lord　Buckram；　and　he　was　birched　with　perfect

impartiality。　　Even　there；　however；　a　select　band　of

sucking　tuft…hunters　followed　him。　　Young　Croesus　lent

him　three…and…twenty　bran…new　sovereigns　out　of　his

father's　bank。　　Young　Snaily　did　his　exercises　for　him；

and　tried　'to　know　him　at　home；'　but　Young　Bull　licked

him　in　a　fight　of　fifty…five　minutes；　and　he　was　caned

several　times　with　great　advantage　for　not　sufficiently

polishing　his　master　Smith's　shoes。　　Boys　are　not　ALL

toadies　in　the　morning　of　life。



But　when　he　went　to　the　University；　crowds　of　toadies

sprawled　over　him。　　The　tutors　toadied　him。　　The　fellows

in　hall　paid　him　great　clumsy　compliments。　　The　Dean

never　remarked　his　absence　from　Chapel；　or　heard　any

noise　issuing　from　his　rooms。　　A　number　of　respectable

young　fellows；　（it　is　among　the　respectable；　the　Baker

Street　class；　that　Snobbishness　flourishes；　more　than

among　any　set　of　people　in　England）a　number　of　these

clung　to　him　like　leeches。　　There　was　no　end　now　to

Croesus's　loans　of　money；　and　Buckram　couldn't　ride　out

with　the　hounds；　but　Snaily　（a　timid　creature　by　nature）

was　in　the　field；　and　would　take　any　leap　at　which　his

friend　chose　to　ride。　　Young　Rose　came　up　to　the　same

College；　having　been　kept　back　for　that　express　purpose

by　his　father。　　He　spent　a　quarter's　allowance　in　giving

Buckram　a　single　dinner；　but　he　knew　there　was　always

pardon　for　him　for　extravagance　in　such　a　cause；　a