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relatives in tears about …his dinner?  With a few

touches; what author ever more happily described A Snob?



We were reading the passage lately at the house of my

friend; Raymond Gray; Esquire; Barrister…at…Law; an

ingenuous youth without the least practice; but who has

luckily a great share of good spirits; which enables him

to bide his time; and bear laughingly his humble position

in the world。  Meanwhile; until it is altered; the stern

laws of necessity and the expenses of the Northern

Circuit oblige Mr。 Gray to live in a very tiny mansion in

a very queer small square in the airy neighbourhood of

Gray's Inn Lane。



What is the more remarkable is; that Gray has a wife

there。  Mrs。 Gray was a Miss Harley Baker: and I suppose

I need not say THAT is a respectable family。  Allied to

the Cavendishes; the Oxfords; the Marrybones; they still;

though rather DECHUS from their original splendour; hold

their heads as high as any。  Mrs。 Harley Baker; I know;

never goes to church without John behind to carry her

prayer…book; nor will Miss Welbeck; her sister; walk

twenty yards a…shopping without the protection of Figby;

her sugar…loaf page; though the old lady is as ugly as

any woman in the parish and as tall and whiskery as a

grenadier。  The astonishment is; how Emily Harley Baker

could have stooped to marry Raymond Gray。  She; who was

the prettiest and proudest of the family; she; who

refused Sir Cockle Byles; of the Bengal Service; she; who

turned up her little nose at Essex Temple; Q。C。; and

connected with the noble house of Albyn; she; who had but

4;000L。 POUR TOUT POTAGE; to marry a man who had scarcely

as much more。  A scream of wrath and indignation was

uttered by the whole family when they heard of this

MESALLIANCE。  Mrs。 Harley Baker never speaks of her

daughter now but with tears in her eyes; and as a ruined

creature。  Miss Welbeck says; 'I consider that man a

villain;' and has denounced poor good…natured Mrs。

Perkins as a swindler; at whose ball the young people met

for the first time。



Mr。 and Mrs。 Gray; meanwhile; live in Gray's Inn Lane

aforesaid; with a maid…servant and a nurse; whose hands

are very full; and in a most provoking and unnatural

state of happiness。  They have never once thought of

crying about their dinner; like the wretchedly puling and

Snobbish womankind of my favourite Snob Aubrey; of 'Ten

Thousand a Year;' but; on the contrary; accept such

humble victuals as fate awards them with a most perfect

and thankful good gracenay; actually have a portion for

a hungry friend at timesas the present writer can

gratefully testify。



I was mentioning these dinners; and some admirable lemon

puddings which Mrs。 Gray makes; to our mutual friend the

great Mr。 Goldmore; the East India Director; when that

gentleman's face assumed an expression of almost

apoplectic terror; and he gasped out; 'What!  Do they

give dinners?'  He seemed to think it a crime and a

wonder that such people should dine at all; and that it

was their custom to huddle round their kitchen…fire over

a bone and a crust。  Whenever he meets them in society;

it is a matter of wonder to him (and he always expresses

his surprise very loud) how the lady can appear decently

dressed; and the man have an unpatched coat to his back。

I have heard him enlarge upon this poverty before the

whole room at the 'Conflagrative Club;' to which he and I

and Gray have the honour to belong。



We meet at the Club on most days。  At half…past four;

Goldmore arrives in St。 James's Street; from the City;

and you may see him reading the evening papers in the

bow…window of the Club; which enfilades Pall Malla

large plethoric man; with a bunch of seals in a large

bow…windowed light waistcoat。  He has large coat…tails;

stuffed with agents' letters and papers about companies

of which he is a Director。  His seals jingle as he walks。

I wish I had such a man for an uncle; and that he himself

were childless。  I would love and cherish him; and be

kind to him。



At six o'clock in the full season; when all the world is

in St。 James's Street; and the carriages are cutting in

and out among the cabs on the stand; and the tufted

dandies are showing their listless faces out of

'White's;' and you see respectable grey…headed gentlemen

waggling their heads to each other through the plate…

glass windows of 'Arthur's:' and the red…coats wish to be

Briareian; so as to hold all the gentlemen's horses; and

that wonderful red…coated royal porter is sunning himself

before Marlborough House;at the noon of London time;

you see a light…yellow carriage with black horses; and a

coachman in a tight floss…silk wig; and two footmen in

powder and white and yellow liveries; and a large woman

inside in shot…silk; a poodle; and a pink parasol; which

drives up to the gate of the Conflagrative; and the page

goes and says to Mr。 Goldmore (who is perfectly aware of

the fact; as he is looking out of the windows with about

forty other

'Conflagrative' bucks); 'Your carriage; Sir。'  G。 wags

his head。  'Remember; eight o'clock precisely;' says he

to Mulligatawney; the other East India Director; and;

ascending the carriage; plumps down by the side of Mrs。

Goldmore for a drive in the Park; and then home to

Portland Place。  As the carriage whirls off; all the

young bucks in the Club feel a secret elation。  It is a

part of their establishment; as it were。  That carriage

belongs to their Club; and their Club belongs to them。

They follow the equipage with interest; they eye it

knowingly as they see it in the Park。  But halt! we are

not come to the Club Snobs yet。  O my brave Snobs; what a

flurry there will be among you when those papers appear!



Well; you may judge; from the above description; what

sort of a man Goldmore is。  A dull and pompous Leadenhall

Street Croesus; good…natured withal; and affablecruelly

affable。  'Mr。 Goldmore can never forget;' his lady used

to say; 'that it was Mrs。 Gray's Grandfather who sent him

to India; and though that young woman has made the most

imprudent marriage in the world; and has left her station

in society; her husband seems an ingenious and laborious

young man; and we shall do everything in our power to be

of use to him。'  So they used to ask the Grays to dinner

twice or thrice in a season; when; by way of increasing

the kindness; Buff; the butler; is ordered to hire a fly

to convey them to and from Portland Place。



Of course I am much too good…natured a friend of both

parties not to tell Gray of Goldmore's opinion in him;

and the nabob's astonishment at the of the briefless

barrister having any dinner at all。  Indeed; Goldmore's

saying became a joke against Gray amongst us wags at the

Club; and we used to ask him when he tasted meat last?

whether we should bring him home something from dinner?

and cut a thousand other mad pranks with him in our

facetious way。



One day; then; coming home from the Club; Mr。 Gray

conveyed to his wife the astounding information that he

had asked Goldmore to dinner。



'My love;' says Mrs。 Gray; in a tremor; 'how could you be

so cruel?  Why; the dining…room won't hold Mrs。

Goldmore。'



'Make your mind easy; Mrs。 Gray; her ladyship is in

Paris。  It is only Croesus that's coming; and we are

going to the play afterwardsto Sadler's Wells。

Goldmore said at the Club that he thought Shakspeare was

a great dramatic poet; and ought to be patronized;

whereupon; fired with enthusiasm; I invited him to our

banquet。'



'Goodness gracious! what CAN we give him for dinner?  He

has two French cooks; you know Mrs。 Goldmore is always

telling us about them; and he dines with Aldermen every

day。'



'〃A plain leg of mutton; my Lucy;

I prythee get ready at three;

Have it tender; and smoking; and juicy;

And what better meat can there be?〃'



says Gray; quoting my favourite poet。



'But the cook is ill; and you know that horrible Pattypan

the pastrycook's …'



'Silence; Frau!' says Gray; in a deep tragedy voice。  'I

will have the ordering of this repast。  Do all things as

I bid thee。  Invite our friend Snob here to partake of

the feast。  Be mine the task of procuring it。'



'Don't be expensive; Raymond;' says his wife。



'Peace; thou timid partner of the briefless one。

Goldmore's dinner shall be suited to our narrow means。

Only do thou in all things my commands。'  And seeing by

the peculiar expression of the rogue's countenance; that

some mad waggery was in preparation; I awaited the morrow

with anxiety。







CHAPTER XXXV



SNOBS AND MARRIAGE



Punctual to the hour(by the way; I cannot omit to mark

down my hatred; scorn; and indignation towards those

miserable Snobs who come to dinner at nine when they are

asked at eight; in order to make a sensation in the

company。  May the loathing of honest folks; the

backbiting of others; the curses of cooks; purs

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