the book of snobs-第31节

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you　can　answer　it；　as　no　doubt　you　canlucky　are　you

and　lucky　the　respected　Herr　Papa；　and　lucky　the　three

handsome　young　gentlemen　who　are　about　to　become　each

others'　brothers…in…law。'





（1）　The　introduction　of　Grandpapa；　is　I　fear；　Snobbish。



（2）　That　is；　as　you　like。　　I　don't　object　to　buttons　in

moderation。



（3）　Quite　right。



（4）　Bless　you！



（5）　Snobbish；　and　I　doubt　whether　you　ought　to　dine　as

well　alone　as　with　company。　　You　will　be　getting　too　good

dinners。



（6）　We　like　to　be　teased；　but　tell　Papa。



（7）　O　garters　and　stars！　what　will　Captain　Gordon　and

Exeter　Hall　say　to　this？



（8）　Dear　little　enthusiast！



（9）　You　were　never　more　mistaken；　miss；　in　your　life。







CHAPTER　XXXIII



SNOBS　AND　MARRIAGE



Everybody　of　the　middle　rank　who　walks　through　this　life

with　a　sympathy　for　his　companions　on　the　same　journey

at　any　rate；　every　man　who　has　been　jostling　in　the　world

for　some　three　or　four　lustresmust　make　no　end　of

melancholy　reflections　upon　the　fate　of　those　victims

whom　Society；　that　is；　Snobbishness；　is　immolating　every

day。　　With　love　and　simplicity　and　natural　kindness

Snobbishness　is　perpetually　at　war。　　People　dare　not　be

happy　for　fear　of　Snobs。　　People　dare　not　love　for　fear

of　Snobs。　　People　pine　away　lonely　under　the　tyranny　of

Snobs。　　Honest　kindly　hearts　dry　up　and　die。　　Gallant

generous　lads；　blooming　with　hearty　youth；　swell　into

bloated　old…bachelorhood；　and　burst　and　tumble　over。

Tender　girls　wither　into　shrunken　decay；　and　perish

solitary；　from　whom　Snobbishness　has　cut　off　the　common

claim　to　happiness　and　affection　with　which　Nature

endowed　us　all。　　My　heart　grows　sad　as　I　see　the

blundering　tyrant's　handiwork。　　As　I　behold　it　I　swell

with　cheap　rage；　and　glow　with　fury　against　the　Snob。

Come　down；　I　say；　thou　skulking　dulness！　　Come　down；　thou

stupid　bully；　and　give　up　thy　brutal　ghost！　　And　I　arm

myself　with　the　sword　and　spear；　and　taking　leave　of　my

family；　go　forth　to　do　battle　with　that　hideous　ogre　and

giant；　that　brutal　despot　in　Snob　Castle；　who　holds　so

many　gentle　hearts　in　torture　and　thrall。



When　PUNCH　is　king；　I　declare　there　shall　be　no　such

thing　as　old　maids　and　old　bachelors。　　The　Reverend　Mr。

Malthus　shall　be　burned　annually；　instead　of　Guy　Fawkes。

Those　who　don't　marry　shall　go　into　the　workhouse。　　It

shall　be　a　sin　for　the　poorest　not　to　have　a　pretty　girl

to　love　him。



The　above　reflections　came　to　mind　after　taking　a　walk

with　an　old　comrade；　Jack　Spiggot　by　name；　who　is　just

passing　into　the　state　of　old…bachelorhood；　after　the

manly　and　blooming　youth　in　which　I　remember　him。　　Jack

was　one　of　the　handsomest　fellows　in　England　when　we

entered　together　in　the　Highland　Buffs；　but　I　quitted　the

Cuttykilts　early；　and　lost　sight　of　him　for　many　years。



Ah！　how　changed　he　is　from　those　days！　　He　wears　a

waistband　now；　and　has　begun　to　dye　his　whiskers。　　His

cheeks；　which　were　red；　are　now　mottled；　his　eyes；　once

so　bright　and　steadfast；　are　the　colour　of　peeled

plovers'　eggs。



'Are　you　married；　Jack？'　says　I；　remembering　how

consumedly　in　love　he　was　with　his　cousin　Letty　Lovelace；

when　the　Cuttykilts　were　quartered　at　Strathbungo　some

twenty　years　ago。



'Married？　no；'　says　he。　　'Not　money　enough。　　Hard　enough

to　keep　myself；　much　more　a　family；　on　five　hundred　a

year。　　Come　to　Dickinson's；　there's　some　of　the　best

Madeira　in　London　there；　my　boy。'　　So　we　went　and　talked

over　old　times。　　The　bill　for　dinner　and　wine　consumed

was　prodigious；　and　the　quantity　of　brandy…and…water　that

Jack　took　showed　what　a　regular　boozer　he　was。　　'A　guinea

or　two　guineas。　　What　the　devil　do　I　care　what　I　spend

for　my　dinner？'　says　he。



'And　Letty　Lovelace？'　says　I。



Jack's　countenance　fell。　　However；　he　burst　into　a　loud

laugh　presently。　　'Letty　Lovelace！'　says　he。　　'She's

Letty　Lovelace　still；　but　Gad；　such　a　wizened　old　woman！

She's　as　thin　as　a　thread…paper；　（you　remember　what　a

figure　she　had：）　her　nose　has　got　red；　and　her　teeth

blue。　　She's　always　ill；　always　quarrelling　with　the　rest

of　the　family；　always　psalm…singing；　and　always　taking

pills。　　Gad；　I　had　a　rare　escape　THERE。　　Push　round　the

grog；　old　boy。'



Straightway　memory　went　back　to　the　days　when　Letty　was

the　loveliest　of　blooming　young　creatures：　when　to　hear

her　sing　was　to　make　the　heart　jump　into　your　throat；

when　to　see　her　dance；　was　better　than　Montessu　or　Noblet

（they　were　the　Ballet　Queens　of　those　days）；　when　Jack

used　to　wear　a　locket　of　her　hair；　with　a　little　gold

chain　round　his　neck；　and；　exhilarated　with　toddy；　after

a　sederunt　of　the　Cuttykilt　mess；　used　to　pull　out　this

token；　and　kiss　it；　and　howl　about　it；　to　the　great

amusement　of　the　bottle…nosed　old　Major　and　the　rest　of

the　table。



'My　father　and　hers　couldn't　put　their　horses　together；'

Jack　said。　　'The　General　wouldn't　come　down　with　more

than　six　thousand。　　My　governor　said　it　shouldn't　be　done

under　eight。　　Lovelace　told　him　to　go　and　be　hanged；　and

so　we　parted　company。　　They　said　she　was　in　a　decline。

Gammon！　　She's　forty；　and　as　tough　and　as　sour　as　this

bit　of　lemon…peel。　　Don't　put　much　into　your　punch；　Snob

my　boy。　　No　man　CAN　stand　punch　after　wine。'



'And　what　are　your　pursuits；　Jack？'　says　I。



'Sold　out　when　the　governor　died。　　Mother　lives　at　Bath。

Go　down　there　once　a　year　for　a　week。　　Dreadful　slow。

Shilling　whist。　　Four　sisters　all　unmarried　except　the

youngestawful　work。　　Scotland　in　August。　　Italy　in　the

winter。　　Cursed　rheumatism。　　Come　to　London　in　March；　and

toddle　about　at　the　Club；　old　boy；　and　we　won't　go　home

till　maw…aw…rning　till　daylight　does　appear。



'And　here's　the　wreck　of　two　lives！'　mused　the　present

Snobographer；　after　taking　leave　of　Jack　Spiggot。

'Pretty　merry　Letty　Lovelace's　rudder　lost　and　she　cast

away；　and　handsome　Jack　Spiggot　stranded　on　the　shore

like　a　drunken　Trinculo。'



What　was　it　that　insulted　Nature　（to　use　no　higher　name）；

and　perverted　her　kindly　intentions　towards　them？　　What

cursed　frost　was　it　that　nipped　the　love　that　both　were

bearing；　and　condemned　the　girl　to　sour　sterility；　and

the　lad　to　selfish　old…bachelorhood？　　It　was　the　infernal

Snob　tyrant　who　governs　us　all；　who

says；　'Thou　shalt　not　love　without　a　lady's　maid；　thou

shalt　not　marry　without　a　carriage　and　horses；　thou　shalt

have　no　wife　in　thy　heart；　and　no　children　on　thy　knee；

without　a　page　in　buttons　and　a　French　BONNE；　thou　shalt

go　to　the　devil　unless　thou　hast　a　brougham；　marry　poor；

and　society　shall　forsake　thee；　thy　kinsmen　shall　avoid

thee　as　a　criminal；　thy　aunts　and　uncles　shall　turn　up

their　eyes　and　bemoan　the　sad；　sad　manner　in　which　Tom　or

Harry　has　thrown　himself　away。'　　You；　young　woman；　may

sell　yourself　without　shame；　and　marry　old　Croesus；　you；

young　man；　may　lie　away　your　heart　and　your　life　for　a

jointure。　　But　if　'you　are　poor；　woe　be　to　you！　　Society；

the　brutal　Snob　autocrat；　consigns　you　to　solitary

perdition。　　Wither；　poor　girl；　in　your　garret；　rot；　poor

bachelor；　in　your　Club。



When　I　see　those　graceless　reclusesthose　unnatural

monks　and　nuns　of　the　order　of　St。　Beelzebub；　（1）　my

hatred　for　Snobs；　and　their　worship；　and　their　idols；

passes　all　continence。　　Let　us　hew　down　that　man…eating

Juggernaut；　I　say；　that　hideous　Dagon；　and　I　glow　with

the　heroic　courage　of　Tom　Thumb；　and　join　battle　with　the

giant　Snob。



（1）　This；　of　course；　is　understood　to　apply　only　to　those

unmarried　persons　whom　a　mean　and　Snobbish　fear　about

money　has　kept　from　fulfilling　their　natural　destiny。

Many　persons　there　are　devoted　to　celibacy　because　they

cannot　help　it。　　Of　these　a　man　would　be　a　brute　who

spoke　roughly。　　Indeed；　after　Miss　O'Toole's　conduct　to

the　writer；　he　would　be　the　last　to　condemn。　　But　never

mind；　these　are　personal　matters。







CHAPTER　XXXIV



SNOBS　AND　MARRIAGE



In　that　noble　romance　called　'Ten　Thousand　a　Year；'　I

remember　a　profoundly　pathetic　description　of　the

Christian　manner　in　which　the　hero；　Mr。　Aubrey；　bore　his

misfortunes。　　After　making　a　display　of　the　most　florid

and　grandiloquent　resignation；　and　quitting　his　country

mansion；　the　writer　supposes　Aubrey　to　come　to　town　in　a

post…chaise　and　pair；　sitting　bodkin　probably　between　his

wife　and　sister。　　It　is　about　seven　o'clock；　carriages

are　rattling　about；　knockers　are　thundering；　and　tears

bedim　the　fine　eyes　of　Kate　and　Mrs。　Aubrey　as　they　think

that　in　happier　times　at　this　hourtheir　Aubrey　used

formerly　to　go　out　to　dinner　to　the　houses　of　the

aristocracy　his　friends。　　This　is　the　gist　of　the

passagethe　elegant　words　I　forget。　　But　the　noble；

noble　sentiment　I　shall　always　cherish　and　remember。

What　can　be　more　sublime　than　the　notion　of　a　great　man's

relatives　in　tears　about　…his　dinner？　　With　a　few

touches；　what　author　ever　more　happily　described　A