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you can answer it; as no doubt you canlucky are you

and lucky the respected Herr Papa; and lucky the three

handsome young gentlemen who are about to become each

others' brothers…in…law。'





(1) The introduction of Grandpapa; is I fear; Snobbish。



(2) That is; as you like。  I don't object to buttons in

moderation。



(3) Quite right。



(4) Bless you!



(5) Snobbish; and I doubt whether you ought to dine as

well alone as with company。  You will be getting too good

dinners。



(6) We like to be teased; but tell Papa。



(7) O garters and stars! what will Captain Gordon and

Exeter Hall say to this?



(8) Dear little enthusiast!



(9) You were never more mistaken; miss; in your life。







CHAPTER XXXIII



SNOBS AND MARRIAGE



Everybody of the middle rank who walks through this life

with a sympathy for his companions on the same journey

at any rate; every man who has been jostling in the world

for some three or four lustresmust make no end of

melancholy reflections upon the fate of those victims

whom Society; that is; Snobbishness; is immolating every

day。  With love and simplicity and natural kindness

Snobbishness is perpetually at war。  People dare not be

happy for fear of Snobs。  People dare not love for fear

of Snobs。  People pine away lonely under the tyranny of

Snobs。  Honest kindly hearts dry up and die。  Gallant

generous lads; blooming with hearty youth; swell into

bloated old…bachelorhood; and burst and tumble over。

Tender girls wither into shrunken decay; and perish

solitary; from whom Snobbishness has cut off the common

claim to happiness and affection with which Nature

endowed us all。  My heart grows sad as I see the

blundering tyrant's handiwork。  As I behold it I swell

with cheap rage; and glow with fury against the Snob。

Come down; I say; thou skulking dulness!  Come down; thou

stupid bully; and give up thy brutal ghost!  And I arm

myself with the sword and spear; and taking leave of my

family; go forth to do battle with that hideous ogre and

giant; that brutal despot in Snob Castle; who holds so

many gentle hearts in torture and thrall。



When PUNCH is king; I declare there shall be no such

thing as old maids and old bachelors。  The Reverend Mr。

Malthus shall be burned annually; instead of Guy Fawkes。

Those who don't marry shall go into the workhouse。  It

shall be a sin for the poorest not to have a pretty girl

to love him。



The above reflections came to mind after taking a walk

with an old comrade; Jack Spiggot by name; who is just

passing into the state of old…bachelorhood; after the

manly and blooming youth in which I remember him。  Jack

was one of the handsomest fellows in England when we

entered together in the Highland Buffs; but I quitted the

Cuttykilts early; and lost sight of him for many years。



Ah! how changed he is from those days!  He wears a

waistband now; and has begun to dye his whiskers。  His

cheeks; which were red; are now mottled; his eyes; once

so bright and steadfast; are the colour of peeled

plovers' eggs。



'Are you married; Jack?' says I; remembering how

consumedly in love he was with his cousin Letty Lovelace;

when the Cuttykilts were quartered at Strathbungo some

twenty years ago。



'Married? no;' says he。  'Not money enough。  Hard enough

to keep myself; much more a family; on five hundred a

year。  Come to Dickinson's; there's some of the best

Madeira in London there; my boy。'  So we went and talked

over old times。  The bill for dinner and wine consumed

was prodigious; and the quantity of brandy…and…water that

Jack took showed what a regular boozer he was。  'A guinea

or two guineas。  What the devil do I care what I spend

for my dinner?' says he。



'And Letty Lovelace?' says I。



Jack's countenance fell。  However; he burst into a loud

laugh presently。  'Letty Lovelace!' says he。  'She's

Letty Lovelace still; but Gad; such a wizened old woman!

She's as thin as a thread…paper; (you remember what a

figure she had:) her nose has got red; and her teeth

blue。  She's always ill; always quarrelling with the rest

of the family; always psalm…singing; and always taking

pills。  Gad; I had a rare escape THERE。  Push round the

grog; old boy。'



Straightway memory went back to the days when Letty was

the loveliest of blooming young creatures: when to hear

her sing was to make the heart jump into your throat;

when to see her dance; was better than Montessu or Noblet

(they were the Ballet Queens of those days); when Jack

used to wear a locket of her hair; with a little gold

chain round his neck; and; exhilarated with toddy; after

a sederunt of the Cuttykilt mess; used to pull out this

token; and kiss it; and howl about it; to the great

amusement of the bottle…nosed old Major and the rest of

the table。



'My father and hers couldn't put their horses together;'

Jack said。  'The General wouldn't come down with more

than six thousand。  My governor said it shouldn't be done

under eight。  Lovelace told him to go and be hanged; and

so we parted company。  They said she was in a decline。

Gammon!  She's forty; and as tough and as sour as this

bit of lemon…peel。  Don't put much into your punch; Snob

my boy。  No man CAN stand punch after wine。'



'And what are your pursuits; Jack?' says I。



'Sold out when the governor died。  Mother lives at Bath。

Go down there once a year for a week。  Dreadful slow。

Shilling whist。  Four sisters all unmarried except the

youngestawful work。  Scotland in August。  Italy in the

winter。  Cursed rheumatism。  Come to London in March; and

toddle about at the Club; old boy; and we won't go home

till maw…aw…rning till daylight does appear。



'And here's the wreck of two lives!' mused the present

Snobographer; after taking leave of Jack Spiggot。

'Pretty merry Letty Lovelace's rudder lost and she cast

away; and handsome Jack Spiggot stranded on the shore

like a drunken Trinculo。'



What was it that insulted Nature (to use no higher name);

and perverted her kindly intentions towards them?  What

cursed frost was it that nipped the love that both were

bearing; and condemned the girl to sour sterility; and

the lad to selfish old…bachelorhood?  It was the infernal

Snob tyrant who governs us all; who

says; 'Thou shalt not love without a lady's maid; thou

shalt not marry without a carriage and horses; thou shalt

have no wife in thy heart; and no children on thy knee;

without a page in buttons and a French BONNE; thou shalt

go to the devil unless thou hast a brougham; marry poor;

and society shall forsake thee; thy kinsmen shall avoid

thee as a criminal; thy aunts and uncles shall turn up

their eyes and bemoan the sad; sad manner in which Tom or

Harry has thrown himself away。'  You; young woman; may

sell yourself without shame; and marry old Croesus; you;

young man; may lie away your heart and your life for a

jointure。  But if 'you are poor; woe be to you!  Society;

the brutal Snob autocrat; consigns you to solitary

perdition。  Wither; poor girl; in your garret; rot; poor

bachelor; in your Club。



When I see those graceless reclusesthose unnatural

monks and nuns of the order of St。 Beelzebub; (1) my

hatred for Snobs; and their worship; and their idols;

passes all continence。  Let us hew down that man…eating

Juggernaut; I say; that hideous Dagon; and I glow with

the heroic courage of Tom Thumb; and join battle with the

giant Snob。



(1) This; of course; is understood to apply only to those

unmarried persons whom a mean and Snobbish fear about

money has kept from fulfilling their natural destiny。

Many persons there are devoted to celibacy because they

cannot help it。  Of these a man would be a brute who

spoke roughly。  Indeed; after Miss O'Toole's conduct to

the writer; he would be the last to condemn。  But never

mind; these are personal matters。







CHAPTER XXXIV



SNOBS AND MARRIAGE



In that noble romance called 'Ten Thousand a Year;' I

remember a profoundly pathetic description of the

Christian manner in which the hero; Mr。 Aubrey; bore his

misfortunes。  After making a display of the most florid

and grandiloquent resignation; and quitting his country

mansion; the writer supposes Aubrey to come to town in a

post…chaise and pair; sitting bodkin probably between his

wife and sister。  It is about seven o'clock; carriages

are rattling about; knockers are thundering; and tears

bedim the fine eyes of Kate and Mrs。 Aubrey as they think

that in happier times at this hourtheir Aubrey used

formerly to go out to dinner to the houses of the

aristocracy his friends。  This is the gist of the

passagethe elegant words I forget。  But the noble;

noble sentiment I shall always cherish and remember。

What can be more sublime than the notion of a great man's

relatives in tears about …his dinner?  With a few

touches; what author ever more happily described A 

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