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plush breeches; and the long…caned ones walked up and

down the garden with that charming solemnity; that

delightfull quivering swagger of the calves; which has

always had a frantic fascination for us。  The walk was

not wide enough for them as the shoulder…knots strutted

up and down it in canary; and crimson; and light blue。



Suddenly; in the midst of their pride; a little bell was

rung; a side door opened; and (after setting down their

Royal Mistress) her Majesty's own crimson footmen; with

epaulets and black plushes; came in。



It was pitiable to see the other poor Johns slink off at

this arrival!  Not one of the honest private Plushes

could stand up before the Royal Flunkeys。  They left the

walk: they sneaked into dark holes and drank tbeir beer

in silence。  The Royal Plush kept possession of the

garden until the Royal Plush dinner was announced; when

it retired; and we heard from the pavilion where they

dined; conservative cheers; and speeches; and Kentish

fires。  The other Flunkeys we never saw more。



My dear Flunkeys; so absurdly conceited at one moment and

so abject at the next; are but the types of their masters

in this world。  HE WHO MEANLY ADMIRES MEAN THINGS IS A

SNOBperhaps that is a safe definition of the character。



And this is why I have; with the utmost respect; ventured

to place The Snob Royal at the head of my list; causing

all others to give way before him; as the Flunkeys before

the royal representative in Kensington Gardens。  To say

of such and such a Gracious Sovereign that he is a Snob;

is but to say that his Majesty is a man。  Kings; too; are

men and Snobs。  In a country where Snobs are in the

majority; a prime one; surely; cannot be unfit to govern。

With us they have succeeded to admiration。



For instance; James I。 was a Snob; and a Scotch Snob;

than which the world contains no more offensive creature。

He appears to have had not one of the good qualities of a

manneither courage; nor generosity; nor honesty; nor

brains; but read what the great Divines and Doctors of

England said about him!  Charles II。; his grandson; was a

rogue; but not a Snob; whilst Louis XIV。; his old

squaretoes of a contemporary;the great worshipper of

Bigwiggeryhas always struck me as a most undoubted and

Royal Snob。



I will not; however; take instances from our own country

of Royal Snobs; but refer to a neighbouring kingdom; that

of Brentfordand its monarch; the late great and

lamented Gorgius IV。  With the same humility with which

the footmen at the 'King's Arms' gave way before the

Plush Royal; the aristocracy of the Brentford nation bent

down and truckled before Gorgius; and proclaimed him the

first gentleman in Europe。  And it's a wonder to think

what is the gentlefolks' opinion of a gentleman; when

they gave Gorgius such a title。



What is it to be a gentleman?  Is it to be honest; to be

gentle; to be generous; to be brave; to be wise; and;

possessing all these qualities; to exercise them in the

most graceful outward manner?  Ought a gentleman to be a

loyal son; a true husband; and honest father?  Ought his

life to be decenthis bills to be paidhis tastes to be

high and eleganthis aims in life lofty and noble?   In

a word; ought not the Biography of a First Gentleman in

Europe to be of such a nature that it might be read in

Young Ladies' Schools with advantage; and studied with

profit in the Seminaries of Young Gentlemen?  I put this

question to all instructors of youthto Mrs。 Ellis and

the Women of England; to all schoolmasters; from Doctor

Hawtrey down to Mr。 Squeers。  I conjure up before me an

awful tribunal of youth and innocence; attended by its

venerable instructors (like the ten thousand red…cheeked

charity…children in Saint Paul's); sitting in judgment;

and Gorgius pleading his cause in the midst。  Out of

Court; out of Court; fat old Florizel!  Beadles; turn out

that bloated; pimple…faced man!If Gorgius MUST have a

statue in the new Palace which the Brentford nation is

building; it ought to be set up in the Flunkeys' Hall。

He should be represented cutting out a coat; in which art

he is said to have excelled。  He also invented Maraschino

punch; a shoe…buckle (this was in the vigour of his

youth; and the prime force of his invention); and a

Chinese pavilion; the most hideous building in the world。

He could drive a four…in…hand very nearly as well as the

Brighton coachman; could fence elegantly; and it is said;

played the fiddle well。  And he smiled with such

irresistible fascination; that persons who were

introduced into his august presence became his victims;

body and soul; as a rabbit becomes the prey of a great

big boa…constrictor。



I would wager that if Mr。 Widdicomb were; by a

revolution; placed on the throne of Brentford; people

would be equally fascinated by his irresistibly majestic

smile and tremble as they knelt down to kiss his hand。

If he went to Dublin they would erect an obelisk on the

spot where he first landed; as the Paddylanders did when

Gorgius visited them。  We have all of us read with

delight that story of the King's voyage to Haggisland;

where his presence inspired such a fury of loyalty and

where the most famous man of the countrythe Baron of

Bradwardinecoming on board the royal yacht; and finding

a glass out of which Gorgius had drunk; put it into his

coatpocket as an inestimable relic; and went ashore in

his boat again。  But the Baron sat down upon the glass

and broke it; and cut his coat…tails very much; and the

inestimable relic was lost to the world for ever。  O

noble Bradwardine! what old…world superstition could set

you on your knees before such an idol as that?



If you want to moralise upon the mutability of human

affairs; go and see the figure of Gorgius in his real;

identical robes; at the waxwork。Admittance one

shilling。  Children and flunkeys sixpence。  Go; and pay

sixpence。







CHAPTER III



THE INFLUENCE OF THE ARISTOCRACY ON SNOBS



Last Sunday week; being at church in this city; and the

service just ended; I heard two Snobs conversing about

the Parson。  One was asking the other who the clergyman

was?  'He is Mr。 So…and…so;' the second Snob answered;

'domestic chaplain to the Earl of What…d'ye…call'im。'

'Oh; is he' said the first Snob; with a tone of

indescribable satisfaction。The Parson's orthodoxy and

identity were at once settled in this Snob's mind。  He

knew no more about the Earl than about the Chaplain; but

he took the latter's character upon the authority of the

former; and went home quite contented with his Reverence;

like a little truckling Snob。



This incident gave me more matter for reflection even

than the sermon: and wonderment at the extent and

prevalence of Lordolatory in this country。  What could it

matter to Snob whether his Reverence were chaplain to his

Lordship or not?   What Peerageworship there is all

through this free country!  How we are all implicated in

it; and more or less down on our knees。And with regard

to the great subject on hand; I think that the influence

of the Peerage upon Snobbishness has been more remarkabie

than that of any other institution。  The increase;

encouragement; and maintenance of Snobs are among the

'priceless services;' as Lord John Russell says; which we

owe to the nobility。



It can't be otherwise。  A man becomes enormously rich; or

he jobs successfully in the aid of a Minister; or he wins

a great battle; or executes a treaty; or is a clever

lawyer who makes a multitude of fees and ascends the

bench; and the country rewards him for ever with a gold

coronot (with more or less balls or leaves) and a title;

and a rank as legislator。  'Your merits are so great;'

says the nation; 'that your children shall be allowed to

reign over us; in a manner。  It does not in the least

matter that your eldest son be a fool: we think your

services so remarkable; that he shall have the reversion

of your honours when death vacates your noble shoes。  If

you are poor; we will give you such a sum of money as

shall enable you and the eldest…born of your race for

ever to live in fat and splendour。  It is our wish that

there should be a race set apart in this happy country;

who shall hold the first rank; have the first prizes and

chances in all government jobs and patronages。  We cannot

make all your dear children Peersthat would make

Peerage common and crowd the House of Lords

uncomfortablybut the young ones shall have everything a

Government can give: they shall get the pick of all the

places: they shall be Captains and Lieutenant…Colonels at

nineteen; when hoary…headed old lieutenants are spending

thirty years at drill: they shall command ships at one…

and…twenty; and veterans who fought before they were

born。  And as we are eminently a free people; and in

order to encourage all men to do their duty; we say to

any man of any rankget enormousl

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