the book of snobs-第3节

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plush　breeches；　and　the　long…caned　ones　walked　up　and

down　the　garden　with　that　charming　solemnity；　that

delightfull　quivering　swagger　of　the　calves；　which　has

always　had　a　frantic　fascination　for　us。　　The　walk　was

not　wide　enough　for　them　as　the　shoulder…knots　strutted

up　and　down　it　in　canary；　and　crimson；　and　light　blue。



Suddenly；　in　the　midst　of　their　pride；　a　little　bell　was

rung；　a　side　door　opened；　and　（after　setting　down　their

Royal　Mistress）　her　Majesty's　own　crimson　footmen；　with

epaulets　and　black　plushes；　came　in。



It　was　pitiable　to　see　the　other　poor　Johns　slink　off　at

this　arrival！　　Not　one　of　the　honest　private　Plushes

could　stand　up　before　the　Royal　Flunkeys。　　They　left　the

walk：　they　sneaked　into　dark　holes　and　drank　tbeir　beer

in　silence。　　The　Royal　Plush　kept　possession　of　the

garden　until　the　Royal　Plush　dinner　was　announced；　when

it　retired；　and　we　heard　from　the　pavilion　where　they

dined；　conservative　cheers；　and　speeches；　and　Kentish

fires。　　The　other　Flunkeys　we　never　saw　more。



My　dear　Flunkeys；　so　absurdly　conceited　at　one　moment　and

so　abject　at　the　next；　are　but　the　types　of　their　masters

in　this　world。　　HE　WHO　MEANLY　ADMIRES　MEAN　THINGS　IS　A

SNOBperhaps　that　is　a　safe　definition　of　the　character。



And　this　is　why　I　have；　with　the　utmost　respect；　ventured

to　place　The　Snob　Royal　at　the　head　of　my　list；　causing

all　others　to　give　way　before　him；　as　the　Flunkeys　before

the　royal　representative　in　Kensington　Gardens。　　To　say

of　such　and　such　a　Gracious　Sovereign　that　he　is　a　Snob；

is　but　to　say　that　his　Majesty　is　a　man。　　Kings；　too；　are

men　and　Snobs。　　In　a　country　where　Snobs　are　in　the

majority；　a　prime　one；　surely；　cannot　be　unfit　to　govern。

With　us　they　have　succeeded　to　admiration。



For　instance；　James　I。　was　a　Snob；　and　a　Scotch　Snob；

than　which　the　world　contains　no　more　offensive　creature。

He　appears　to　have　had　not　one　of　the　good　qualities　of　a

manneither　courage；　nor　generosity；　nor　honesty；　nor

brains；　but　read　what　the　great　Divines　and　Doctors　of

England　said　about　him！　　Charles　II。；　his　grandson；　was　a

rogue；　but　not　a　Snob；　whilst　Louis　XIV。；　his　old

squaretoes　of　a　contemporary；the　great　worshipper　of

Bigwiggeryhas　always　struck　me　as　a　most　undoubted　and

Royal　Snob。



I　will　not；　however；　take　instances　from　our　own　country

of　Royal　Snobs；　but　refer　to　a　neighbouring　kingdom；　that

of　Brentfordand　its　monarch；　the　late　great　and

lamented　Gorgius　IV。　　With　the　same　humility　with　which

the　footmen　at　the　'King's　Arms'　gave　way　before　the

Plush　Royal；　the　aristocracy　of　the　Brentford　nation　bent

down　and　truckled　before　Gorgius；　and　proclaimed　him　the

first　gentleman　in　Europe。　　And　it's　a　wonder　to　think

what　is　the　gentlefolks'　opinion　of　a　gentleman；　when

they　gave　Gorgius　such　a　title。



What　is　it　to　be　a　gentleman？　　Is　it　to　be　honest；　to　be

gentle；　to　be　generous；　to　be　brave；　to　be　wise；　and；

possessing　all　these　qualities；　to　exercise　them　in　the

most　graceful　outward　manner？　　Ought　a　gentleman　to　be　a

loyal　son；　a　true　husband；　and　honest　father？　　Ought　his

life　to　be　decenthis　bills　to　be　paidhis　tastes　to　be

high　and　eleganthis　aims　in　life　lofty　and　noble？　　　In

a　word；　ought　not　the　Biography　of　a　First　Gentleman　in

Europe　to　be　of　such　a　nature　that　it　might　be　read　in

Young　Ladies'　Schools　with　advantage；　and　studied　with

profit　in　the　Seminaries　of　Young　Gentlemen？　　I　put　this

question　to　all　instructors　of　youthto　Mrs。　Ellis　and

the　Women　of　England；　to　all　schoolmasters；　from　Doctor

Hawtrey　down　to　Mr。　Squeers。　　I　conjure　up　before　me　an

awful　tribunal　of　youth　and　innocence；　attended　by　its

venerable　instructors　（like　the　ten　thousand　red…cheeked

charity…children　in　Saint　Paul's）；　sitting　in　judgment；

and　Gorgius　pleading　his　cause　in　the　midst。　　Out　of

Court；　out　of　Court；　fat　old　Florizel！　　Beadles；　turn　out

that　bloated；　pimple…faced　man！If　Gorgius　MUST　have　a

statue　in　the　new　Palace　which　the　Brentford　nation　is

building；　it　ought　to　be　set　up　in　the　Flunkeys'　Hall。

He　should　be　represented　cutting　out　a　coat；　in　which　art

he　is　said　to　have　excelled。　　He　also　invented　Maraschino

punch；　a　shoe…buckle　（this　was　in　the　vigour　of　his

youth；　and　the　prime　force　of　his　invention）；　and　a

Chinese　pavilion；　the　most　hideous　building　in　the　world。

He　could　drive　a　four…in…hand　very　nearly　as　well　as　the

Brighton　coachman；　could　fence　elegantly；　and　it　is　said；

played　the　fiddle　well。　　And　he　smiled　with　such

irresistible　fascination；　that　persons　who　were

introduced　into　his　august　presence　became　his　victims；

body　and　soul；　as　a　rabbit　becomes　the　prey　of　a　great

big　boa…constrictor。



I　would　wager　that　if　Mr。　Widdicomb　were；　by　a

revolution；　placed　on　the　throne　of　Brentford；　people

would　be　equally　fascinated　by　his　irresistibly　majestic

smile　and　tremble　as　they　knelt　down　to　kiss　his　hand。

If　he　went　to　Dublin　they　would　erect　an　obelisk　on　the

spot　where　he　first　landed；　as　the　Paddylanders　did　when

Gorgius　visited　them。　　We　have　all　of　us　read　with

delight　that　story　of　the　King's　voyage　to　Haggisland；

where　his　presence　inspired　such　a　fury　of　loyalty　and

where　the　most　famous　man　of　the　countrythe　Baron　of

Bradwardinecoming　on　board　the　royal　yacht；　and　finding

a　glass　out　of　which　Gorgius　had　drunk；　put　it　into　his

coatpocket　as　an　inestimable　relic；　and　went　ashore　in

his　boat　again。　　But　the　Baron　sat　down　upon　the　glass

and　broke　it；　and　cut　his　coat…tails　very　much；　and　the

inestimable　relic　was　lost　to　the　world　for　ever。　　O

noble　Bradwardine！　what　old…world　superstition　could　set

you　on　your　knees　before　such　an　idol　as　that？



If　you　want　to　moralise　upon　the　mutability　of　human

affairs；　go　and　see　the　figure　of　Gorgius　in　his　real；

identical　robes；　at　the　waxwork。Admittance　one

shilling。　　Children　and　flunkeys　sixpence。　　Go；　and　pay

sixpence。







CHAPTER　III



THE　INFLUENCE　OF　THE　ARISTOCRACY　ON　SNOBS



Last　Sunday　week；　being　at　church　in　this　city；　and　the

service　just　ended；　I　heard　two　Snobs　conversing　about

the　Parson。　　One　was　asking　the　other　who　the　clergyman

was？　　'He　is　Mr。　So…and…so；'　the　second　Snob　answered；

'domestic　chaplain　to　the　Earl　of　What…d'ye…call'im。'

'Oh；　is　he'　said　the　first　Snob；　with　a　tone　of

indescribable　satisfaction。The　Parson's　orthodoxy　and

identity　were　at　once　settled　in　this　Snob's　mind。　　He

knew　no　more　about　the　Earl　than　about　the　Chaplain；　but

he　took　the　latter's　character　upon　the　authority　of　the

former；　and　went　home　quite　contented　with　his　Reverence；

like　a　little　truckling　Snob。



This　incident　gave　me　more　matter　for　reflection　even

than　the　sermon：　and　wonderment　at　the　extent　and

prevalence　of　Lordolatory　in　this　country。　　What　could　it

matter　to　Snob　whether　his　Reverence　were　chaplain　to　his

Lordship　or　not？　　　What　Peerageworship　there　is　all

through　this　free　country！　　How　we　are　all　implicated　in

it；　and　more　or　less　down　on　our　knees。And　with　regard

to　the　great　subject　on　hand；　I　think　that　the　influence

of　the　Peerage　upon　Snobbishness　has　been　more　remarkabie

than　that　of　any　other　institution。　　The　increase；

encouragement；　and　maintenance　of　Snobs　are　among　the

'priceless　services；'　as　Lord　John　Russell　says；　which　we

owe　to　the　nobility。



It　can't　be　otherwise。　　A　man　becomes　enormously　rich；　or

he　jobs　successfully　in　the　aid　of　a　Minister；　or　he　wins

a　great　battle；　or　executes　a　treaty；　or　is　a　clever

lawyer　who　makes　a　multitude　of　fees　and　ascends　the

bench；　and　the　country　rewards　him　for　ever　with　a　gold

coronot　（with　more　or　less　balls　or　leaves）　and　a　title；

and　a　rank　as　legislator。　　'Your　merits　are　so　great；'

says　the　nation；　'that　your　children　shall　be　allowed　to

reign　over　us；　in　a　manner。　　It　does　not　in　the　least

matter　that　your　eldest　son　be　a　fool：　we　think　your

services　so　remarkable；　that　he　shall　have　the　reversion

of　your　honours　when　death　vacates　your　noble　shoes。　　If

you　are　poor；　we　will　give　you　such　a　sum　of　money　as

shall　enable　you　and　the　eldest…born　of　your　race　for

ever　to　live　in　fat　and　splendour。　　It　is　our　wish　that

there　should　be　a　race　set　apart　in　this　happy　country；

who　shall　hold　the　first　rank；　have　the　first　prizes　and

chances　in　all　government　jobs　and　patronages。　　We　cannot

make　all　your　dear　children　Peersthat　would　make

Peerage　common　and　crowd　the　House　of　Lords

uncomfortablybut　the　young　ones　shall　have　everything　a

Government　can　give：　they　shall　get　the　pick　of　all　the

places：　they　shall　be　Captains　and　Lieutenant…Colonels　at

nineteen；　when　hoary…headed　old　lieutenants　are　spending

thirty　years　at　drill：　they　shall　command　ships　at　one…

and…twenty；　and　veterans　who　fought　before　they　were

born。　　And　as　we　are　eminently　a　free　people；　and　in

order　to　encourage　all　men　to　do　their　duty；　we　say　to

any　man　of　any　rankget　enormousl