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lay down key and crosier before the iron conqueror。



If you consider; dear reader; what profound snobbishness

the University System produced; you will allow that it is

time to attack some of those feudal middle…age

superstitions。  If you go down for five shillings to look

at the 'College Youths;' you may see one sneaking down

the court without a tassel to his cap; another with a

gold or silver fringe to his velvet trencher; a third lad

with a master's gown and hat; walking at ease over the

sacred College grass…plats; which common men must not

tread on。



He may do it because he is a nobleman。  Because a lad is

a lord; the University gives him a degree at the end of

two years which another is seven in acquiring。  Because

he is a lord; he has no call to go through an

examination。   Any man who has not been to College and

back for five shillings; would not believe in such

distinctions in a place of education; so absurd and

monstrous do they seem to be。



The lads with gold and silver lace are sons of rich

gentlemen and called Fellow Commoners; they are

privileged to feed better than the pensioners; and to

have wine with their victuals; which the latter can only

get in their rooms。



The unlucky boys who have no tassels to their caps; are

called sizarsSERVITORS at Oxford(a very pretty and

gentlemanlike title)。  A distinction is made in their

clothes because they are poor; for which reason they wear

a badge of poverty; and are not allowed to take their

meals with their fellow…students。



When this wicked and shameful distinction was set up; it

was of a piece with all the resta part of the brutal;

unchristian; blundering feudal system。  Distinctions of

rank were then so strongly insisted upon; that it would

have been thought blasphemy to doubt them; as blasphemous

as it is in parts of the United States now for a nigger

to set up as the equal of a white man。  A ruffian like

Henry VIII。 talked as gravely about the divine powers

vested in him; as if he had been an inspired prophet。  A

wretch like James I。 not only believed that there was in

himself a particular sanctity; but other people believed

him。  Government regulated the length of a merchant's

shoes as well as meddled with his trade; prices; exports;

machinery。  It thought itself justified in roasting a man

for his religion; or pulling a Jew's teeth out if he did

not pay a contribution; or ordered him to dress in a

yellow gabardine; and locked him in a particular quarter。



Now a merchant may wear what boots he pleases; and has

pretty nearly acquired the privilege of buying and

selling without the Government laying its paws upon the

bargain。  The stake for heretics is gone; the pillory is

taken down; Bishops are even found lifting up their

voices against the remains of persecution; and ready to

do away with the last Catholic Disabilities。  Sir Robert

Peel; though he wished it ever so much; has no power over

Mr。 Benjamin Disraeli's grinders; or any means of

violently handling that gentleman's jaw。  Jews are not

called upon to wear badges: on the contrary; they may

live in Piccadilly; or the Minories; according to fancy;

they may dress like Christians; and do sometimes in a

most elegant and fashionable manner。



Why is the poor College servitor to wear that name and

that badge still?  Because Universities are the last

places into which Reform penetrates。  But now that she

can go to College and back for five shillings; let her

travel down thither。







CHAPTER XIV



ON UNIVERSITY SNOBS



All the men of Saint Boniface will recognize Hugby and

Crump in these two pictures。  They were tutors in our

time; and Crump is since advanced to be President of the

College。  He was formerly; and is now; a rich specimen of

a University Snob。



At five…and…twenty; Crump invented three new metres; and

published an edition of an exceedingly improper Greek

Comedy; with no less than twenty emendations upon the

German text of Schnupfenius and Schnapsius。  These

Services to religion instantly pointed him out for

advancement in the Church; and he is now President of

Saint Boniface; and very narrowly escaped the bench。



Crump thinks Saint Boniface the centre of the world; and

his position as President the highest in England。  He

expects the fellows and tutors to pay him the same sort

of service that Cardinals pay to the Pope。  I am sure

Crawler would have no objection to carry his trencher; or

Page to hold up the skirts of his gown as he stalks into

chapel。  He roars out the responses there as if it were

an honour to heaven that the President of Saint Boniface

should take a part in the service; and in his own lodge

and college acknowledges the Sovereign only as his

superior。



When the allied monarchs came down; and were made Doctors

of the University; a breakfast was given at Saint

Boniface; on which occasion Crump allowed the Emperor

Alexander to walk before him; but took the PAS himself of

the King of Prussia and Prince Blucher。  He was going to

put the Hetman Platoff to breakfast at a side…table with

the under college tutors; but he was induced to relent;

and merely entertained that distinguished Cossack with a

discourse on his own language; in which he showed that

the Hetman knew nothing about it。



As for us undergraduates; we scarcely knew more about

Crump than about the Grand Llama。  A few favoured youths

are asked occasionally to tea at the lodge; but they do

not speak unless first addressed by the Doctor; and if

they venture to sit down; Crump's follower; Mr。 Toady;

whispers; 'Gentlemen; will you have the kindness to get

up?The President is passing;' or 'Gentlemen; the

President prefers that undergraduates should not sit

down;' or words to a similar effect。



To do Crump justice; he does not cringe now to great

people。  He rather patronizes them than otherwise; and;

in London; speaks quite affably to a Duke who has been

brought up at his college; or holds out a finger to a

Marquis。  He does not disguise his own origin; but brags

of it with considerable self…gratulation:'I was a

Charity…boy;' says he; 'see what I am now; the greatest

Greek scholar of the greatest College of the greatest

University of the greatest Empire in the world。'  The

argument being; that this is a capital world; for

beggars; because he; being a beggar; has managed to get

on horseback。



Hugby owes his eminence to patient merit and agreeable

perseverance。  He is a meek; mild; inoffensive creature;

with just enough of scholarship to fit him to hold a

lecture; or set an examination paper。  He rose by

kindness to the aristocracy。  It was wonderful to see the

way in which that poor creature grovelled before a

nobleman or a lord's nephew; or even some noisy and

disreputable commoner; the friend of a lord。  He used to

give the young noblemen the most painful and elaborate

breakfasts; and adopt a jaunty genteel air; and talk with

them (although he was decidedly serious) about the opera;

or the last run with the hounds。  It was good to watch

him in the midst of a circle of young tufts; with his

mean; smiling; eager; uneasy familiarity。  He used to

write home confidential letters to their parents; and

made it his duty to call upon them when in town; to

condole or rejoice with them when a death; birth; or

marriage took place in their family; and to feast them

whenever they came to the University。  I recollect a

letter lying on a desk in his lecture…room for a whole

term; beginning; 'My Lord Duke。'  It was to show us that

he corresponded with such dignities。



When the late lamented Lord Glenlivat; who broke his neck

at a hurdle…race; at the premature age of twenty…four;

was at the University; the amiable young fellow; passing

to his rooms in the early morning; and seeing Hugby's

boots at his door; on the same staircase; playfully

wadded the insides of the boots with cobbler's wax; which

caused excruciating pains to the Rev。 Mr。 Hugby; when he

came to take them off the same evening; before dining

with the Master of St。 Crispin's。



Everybody gave the credit of this admirable piece of fun

to Lord Glenlivat's friend; Bob Tizzy; who was famous for

such feats; and who had already made away with the

college pump…handle; filed St。 Boniface's nose smooth

with his face; carried off four images of nigger…boys

from the tobacconists; painted the senior proctor's horse

pea…green; &c。 &c。; and Bob (who was of the party

certainly; and would not peach;) was just on the point of

incurring expulsion; and so losing the family living

which was in store for him; when Glenlivat nobly stepped

forward; owned himself to be the author of the delightful

JEU…D'ESPRIT; apologized to the tutor; and accepted the

rustication。



Hugby cried when Glenlivat apologized; if the young

nobleman had kicked him round the court; I believe the

tutor 

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