we two-第104节

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trial　than　a　comfort。　　Erica　longed　inexpressibly　to　be　alone；　and　when　at　length；　deceived　by　her　unnatural　calm；　they　were　persuaded　to　leave　her；　she　crept　down　to　the　study　and　shut　herself　in；　and　no　longer　tried　to　resist　the　inevitable；　the　mere　surroundings　were　quite　sufficient　to　open　the　flood　gates　of　her　grief；　the　books　which　her　father　had　loved；　the　table；　the　empty　chair；　the　curious　cactus　which　they　had　brought　back　from　Italy；　and　in　the　growth　of　which　they　had　taken　such　an　interest！　　the　desk　at　which　her　father　had　toiled　for　so　many　long　years。　　She　hid　her　face　from　the　light　and　broke　into　a　passionate　fit　of　weeping。　　Then　exhausted；　nerveless；　powerless；　she　could　no　longer　cope　with　that　anguish　of　remembrance　which　was　her　nightly　torment。　　Once　more　there　rose　before　her　that　horrible　scene　in　the　Ashborough　market　place；　once　more　she　could　see　the　glare　of　light；　the　huge　crowd；　the　sudden　treacherous　movement；　the　fall；　once　more　she　heard　the　crash；　the　hushed　murmur；　once　more　felt　the　wild　struggle　to　get　through　that　pushing；　jostling　throng　that　she　might　somehow　reach　him。　　That　nightmare　recollection　only　gave　place　to　a　yet　more　painful　one；　to　the　memory　of　days　of　such　agony　that　to　recall　them　was　almost　to　risk　her　reason。　　She　had　struggled　bravely　not　to　dwell　upon　these　things；　but　this　night　her　strength　was　gone；　she　could　do　nothing；　and　Brian；　coming　at　last　to　seek　her；　found　that　the　climax　he　had　long　foreseen　had　come。

〃Oh；〃　she　sobbed；　〃if　you　love　me；　Brian；　be　willing　to　let　me　go！　　Don't　pray　for　me　to　live！　　Promise　that　you　will　not！〃

A　shade　came　over　Brian's　face。　　Was　the　dead　father　still　to　absorb　all　her　love？　　Must　he　even　now　resign　all　to　him？　　Lose　Erica　at　last　after　these　long　years　of　waiting！　　There　was　a　look　of　agony　in　his　eyes；　but　he　answered　quietly　and　firmly：

〃I　will　pray　only　that　God's　will　may　be　done；　darling。〃

A　sort　of　relief　was　apparent　in　Erica's　flushed；　tear…stained　face　as　though　he　had　given　her　leave　to　be　ill。

After　that；　for　long；　weary　weeks；　she　lay　at　the　very　gate　of　death；　and　those　who　watched　by　her　had　not　the　heart　to　wish　her　back　to　life　again。


CHAPTER　XLII。　A　New　Year's　Dawn

And　the　murky　planets；　I　perceived；　were　but　cradles　for　the　infant　spirits　of　the　universe　of　light　。　。　。　。　　And　in　sight　of　this　immeasurability　of　life　no　sadness　could　endure　。　。　。　。　　And　I　exclaimed；　Oh！　　How　beautiful　is　death；　seeing　that　we　die　in　a　world　of　life　and　of　creation　without　end！　And　I　blessed　God　for　my　life　upon　earth；　but　much　more　for　the　life　in　those　unseen　depths　of　the　universe　which　are　comprised　of　all　but　the　Supreme　Reality；　and　where　no　earthly　life　or　perishable　hope　can　enter。　　Richter

For　many　weeks　Erica　had　scarcely　a　conscious　interval。　　Now　and　then　she　had　been　dimly　aware　that　Brian　was　in　the　room；　or　that　Aunt　Jean；　and　Mrs。　MacNaughton；　and　her　many　secularist　friends　were　nursing　her；　but　all　had　been　vague；　dream…like；　seen　through　the　distorting　fever…mist。　　On　night；　however；　she　woke　after　a　sleep　of　many　hours　to　see　things　once　more　as　they　really　were。　　There　was　her　little　room　with　its　green…paneled　walls；　and　its　familiar　pictures；　and　familiar　books。　　There　was　Aunt　Jean　sitting　beside　the　fire；　turning　over　the　pages　of　an　〃Idol…Breaker；〃　while　all　the　air　seemed　to　be　ringing　and　echoing　with　the　sound　of　church　bells。

〃Auntie；〃　she　said；　〃what　day　is　it？〃

Aunt　Jean　came　at　once　to　her　bedside。

〃It　is　New　Year's　day；〃　she　said；　〃it　struck　twelve　about　five　minutes　ago；　dear。〃

Erica　made　no　comment　though　the　words　brought　back　to　her　the　sense　of　her　desolation　brought　back　to　her；　too；　the　remembrance　of　another　New　Year's　day　long　ago　when　she　had　stood　beside　her　father　on　the　deck　of　the　steamer；　and　the　bells　of　Calais　had　gayly　pealed　in　spite　of　her　grief。　　She　took　the　food　her　aunt　brought　her；　and　promised　to　go　to　sleep　once　more。

〃I　shall　have　to　wake　up　again　in　this　misery！〃　she　thought　to　herself。　　〃Oh；　if　one　could　only　sleep　right　on！〃

But　God　sometimes　saves　us　from　what　we　have　most　dreaded；　and　when　at　sunrise　Erica　woke　once　more；　before　any　recollection　returned　to　her　mind；　she　became　conscious　of　One　who　said　to　her；　〃Lo；　I　am　with　you　always！　Behold；　I　make　all　things　new！〃

Streaks　of　golden　light　were　stealing　in　between　the　window　curtains。　　She　lay　quite　still；　able　to　face　life　once　more　in　the　strength　of　that　Inner　Presence；　able　to　endure　the　well…known　sights　and　sounds　because　she　could　once　more　realize　that　there　was　One　who　made　even　〃the　wrath　of　man　to　praise〃　Him；　who；　out　of　blackest　evil　and　cruelest　pain；　could　at　length　bring　good。　　Presently；　passing　from　the　restfulness　of　that　conscious　communion；　she　remembered　a　strange　dream　she　had　had　that　night。

She　had　dreamed　that　she　was　sitting　with　Donovan　in　the　little　church　yard　at　Oakdene；　in　her　hand　she　held　a　Greek　Testament；　but　upon　the　page　had　only　been　able　to　see　one　sentence。　　It　ran　thus；　〃Until　the　times　of　the　Restitution　of　all　things。〃　　Donovan　had　insisted　that　the　word　should　rightly　be　〃restoration。〃　　She　had　clung　to　the　old　rendering。　　While　they　discussed　the　distinction　between　the　words；　a　beautiful　girl　had　all　at　once　stood　before　them。　　Erica　knew　in　an　instant　who　it　must　be　by　the　light　which　shone　in　her　companion's　face。

〃You　are　quite　right；〃　she　had　said；　turning　her　beautiful　eyes　upon　him。　　〃It　is　not　the　mere　giving　back　of　things　that　were；　it　is　the　perfecting　of　that　which　was　here　only　in　ideal；　it　is　the　carrying　out　of　what　might　have　been。　　All　the　time　there　has　been　progress；　all　the　time　growth；　and　so　restoration　is　better；　wider；　grander　than　anything　we　could　dream　of　here！〃

And；　as　she　left　them；　there　had　come　to　both　a　sort　of　vision　of　the　Infinite；　in　sight　of　which　the　whole　of　earthly　existence　was　but　as　an　hour；　and　the　sum　of　human　suffering　but　as　the　pin　prick　to　a　strong　man；　and　yet　both　human　suffering　and　human　existence　were　infinitely　worth　while。　　And　over　them　stole　a　wonderful　peace　as　they　realized　the　greatness　of　God's　universe；　and　that　in　it　was　no　wasted　thing；　no　wasted　pain；　but　order　where　there　seemed　confusion；　and　a　soul　of　goodness　where　there　seemed　evil。

And；　after　all；　what　was　this　dream　compared　with　the　reality　which　she　knew　to　exist？　　Well；　it　was　perhaps　a　little　fragment；　a　dim　shadow；　a　seeing　through　the　glass　darkly；　but　mostly　it　was　a　comfort　because　she　was　all　the　time　conscious　that　there　was　an　infinitely　Better　which　it　has　not　entered　into　the　heart　of　man　to　conceive。

Brian　came　in　for　his　morning　visit　with　a　face　so　worn　and　anxious　that　it　made　her　smile。

〃Oh！〃　she　said；　looking　up　at　him　with　quiet；　shining　eyes；　〃how　I　have　been　troubling　you　all　these　weeks！　But　you　are　not　to　be　troubled　any　more；　darling。　　I　am　going　to　get　better。〃

And　with　a　sort　of　grateful；　loving　tenderness；　she　drew　his　face　down　to　hers　and　kissed　him。

〃Where　is　Tom？〃　she　asked　presently；　beginning　for　the　first　time　to　take　an　interest　in　the　world　again。

〃Tom　has　gone　to　Oakdene　for　a　day　or　two；〃　said　Brian。　　〃He　is　going　to　be　Donovan's　private　secretary。〃

〃How　glad　I　am！〃　she　said。　　〃Dear　old　Tom；　he　does　so　deserve　to　be　happy！〃

〃They　want　you　to　go　there　as　soon　as　you　are　well　enough　to　be　moved；〃　said　Brian。

〃I　should　like　that；〃　she　said　with　a　touch　of　her　old　eagerness　of　manner。　　〃I　want　to　get　well　quickly；　there　is　so　much　work　for　us　to　do　you　know。　　Oh；　Brian！　　I　feel　that　there　is　work　which　HE　would　wish　me　to　do；　and　I'm　so　glad；　so　glad　to　be　left　to　do　it！〃

Brian　thought　of　the　enormous　impetus　given　to　the　cause　of　secularism　by　Raeburn's　martyrdom。　　The　momentary　triumph　of　bigotry　and　intolerance　had；　as　in　all　other　ages；　been　followed　by　this　inevitable　consequence　a　dead　loss　to　the　persecuting　side。　　Would　people　at　length　learn　the　lesson？　　Would　the　reign　of　justice　at　length　dawn？　　Would　the　majority　at　length　believe　that　the　All　Father　needs　not　to　be　supported　by　persecuting　laws　and　unjust　restrictions？

Yet　it　was　not　these　thoughts　which　brought　the　tears　to　his　eyes　it　was　the　rapture　caused　by　Erica's　words。

〃My　darling　will　live；　and　is　glad　to　live！〃　he　thought。　　〃Who　could　bear　witness　to　the　truth　so　well？　　Who　be　so　sweet　a　reconciler？〃

〃Why；　Brian！　Brian！〃　exclaimed　Erica　as　the　great　drops　fell　on　her　hand　lying　clasped　in　his。

And　there　was　that　in　tone　and　look　and　touch　which　made　Brian　more　than　content。







End