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Augustus¡¡Does¡¡His¡¡Bit

by¡¡George¡¡Bernard¡¡Shaw







I¡¡wish¡¡to¡¡express¡¡my¡¡gratitude¡¡for¡¡certain¡¡good¡¡offices¡¡which
Augustus¡¡secured¡¡for¡¡me¡¡in¡¡January£»1917¡£¡¡I¡¡had¡¡been¡¡invited¡¡to
visit¡¡the¡¡theatre¡¡of¡¡war¡¡in¡¡Flanders¡¡by¡¡the¡¡Commander¡­in¡­Chief£º
an¡¡invitation¡¡which¡¡was£»¡¡under¡¡the¡¡circumstances£»¡¡a¡¡summons¡¡to
duty¡£¡¡Thus¡¡I¡¡had¡¡occasion¡¡to¡¡spend¡¡some¡¡days¡¡in¡¡procuring
the¡¡necessary¡¡passport¡¡and¡¡other¡¡official¡¡facilities¡¡for
my¡¡journey¡£¡¡It¡¡happened¡¡just¡¡then¡¡that¡¡the¡¡Stage¡¡Society¡¡gave¡¡a
performance¡¡of¡¡this¡¡little¡¡play¡£¡¡It¡¡opened¡¡the¡¡heart¡¡of¡¡every
official¡¡to¡¡me¡£¡¡I¡¡have¡¡always¡¡been¡¡treated¡¡with¡¡distinguished
consideration¡¡in¡¡my¡¡contracts¡¡with¡¡bureaucracy¡¡during¡¡the¡¡war£»
but¡¡on¡¡this¡¡occasion¡¡I¡¡found¡¡myself¡¡persona¡¡grata¡¡in¡¡the¡¡highest
degree¡£¡¡There¡¡was¡¡only¡¡one¡¡word¡¡when¡¡the¡¡formalities¡¡were
disposed¡¡of£»¡¡and¡¡that¡¡was¡¡¡¨We¡¡are¡¡up¡¡against¡¡Augustus¡¡all¡¡day¡£¡¨
The¡¡showing¡­up¡¡of¡¡Augustus¡¡scandalized¡¡one¡¡or¡¡two¡¡innocent¡¡and
patriotic¡¡critics¡¡who¡¡regarded¡¡the¡¡prowess¡¡of¡¡the¡¡British¡¡army¡¡as
inextricably¡¡bound¡¡up¡¡with¡¡Highcastle¡¡prestige¡£¡¡But¡¡our
Government¡¡departments¡¡knew¡¡better£º¡¡their¡¡problem¡¡was¡¡how¡¡to¡¡win
the¡¡war¡¡with¡¡Augustus¡¡on¡¡their¡¡backs£»¡¡well¡­meaning£»¡¡brave£»
patriotic£»¡¡but¡¡obstructively¡¡fussy£»¡¡self¡­important£»¡¡imbecile£»¡¡and
disastrous¡£

Save¡¡for¡¡the¡¡satisfaction¡¡of¡¡being¡¡able¡¡to¡¡laugh¡¡at¡¡Augustus¡¡in
the¡¡theatre£»¡¡nothing£»¡¡as¡¡far¡¡as¡¡I¡¡know£»¡¡came¡¡of¡¡my¡¡dramatic
reduction¡¡of¡¡him¡¡to¡¡absurdity¡£¡¡Generals£»¡¡admirals£»¡¡Prime
Ministers¡¡and¡¡Controllers£»¡¡not¡¡to¡¡mention¡¡Emperors£»¡¡Kaisers¡¡and
Tsars£»¡¡were¡¡scrapped¡¡remorselessly¡¡at¡¡home¡¡and¡¡abroad£»¡¡for¡¡their
sins¡¡or¡¡services£»¡¡as¡¡the¡¡case¡¡might¡¡be¡£¡¡But¡¡Augustus¡¡stood¡¡like
the¡¡Eddystone¡¡in¡¡a¡¡storm£»¡¡and¡¡stands¡¡so¡¡to¡¡this¡¡day¡£¡¡He¡¡gave¡¡us
his¡¡word¡¡that¡¡he¡¡was¡¡indispensable¡¡and¡¡we¡¡took¡¡it¡£

Augustus¡¡Does¡¡His¡¡Bit¡¡was¡¡performed¡¡for¡¡the¡¡first¡¡time¡¡at
the¡¡Court¡¡Theatre¡¡in¡¡London¡¡by¡¡the¡¡Stage¡¡Society¡¡on¡¡the
21st¡¡January£»¡¡1917£»¡¡with¡¡Lalla¡¡Vandervelde¡¡as¡¡The¡¡Lady£»¡¡F¡£
B¡£J¡£¡¡Sharp¡¡as¡¡Lord¡¡Augustus¡¡Highcastle£»¡¡and¡¡Charles¡¡Rock¡¡as
Horatio¡¡Floyd¡¡Beamish¡£






AUGUSTUS¡¡DOES¡¡HIS¡¡BIT


The¡¡Mayor's¡¡parlor¡¡in¡¡the¡¡Town¡¡Hall¡¡of¡¡Little¡¡Pifflington¡£¡¡Lord
Augustus¡¡Highcastle£»¡¡a¡¡distinguished¡¡member¡¡of¡¡the¡¡governing
class£»¡¡in¡¡the¡¡uniform¡¡of¡¡a¡¡colonel£»¡¡and¡¡very¡¡well¡¡preserved¡¡at
forty¡­five£»¡¡is¡¡comfortably¡¡seated¡¡at¡¡a¡¡writing¡­table¡¡with¡¡his
heels¡¡on¡¡it£»¡¡reading¡¡The¡¡Morning¡¡Post¡£¡¡The¡¡door¡¡faces¡¡him£»¡¡a
little¡¡to¡¡his¡¡left£»¡¡at¡¡the¡¡other¡¡side¡¡of¡¡the¡¡room¡£¡¡The¡¡window¡¡is
behind¡¡him¡£¡¡In¡¡the¡¡fireplace£»¡¡a¡¡gas¡¡stove¡£¡¡On¡¡the¡¡table¡¡a¡¡bell
button¡¡and¡¡a¡¡telephone¡£¡¡Portraits¡¡of¡¡past¡¡Mayors£»¡¡in¡¡robes¡¡and
gold¡¡chains£»¡¡adorn¡¡the¡¡walls¡£¡¡An¡¡elderly¡¡clerk¡¡with¡¡a¡¡short¡¡white
beard¡¡and¡¡whiskers£»¡¡and¡¡a¡¡very¡¡red¡¡nose£»¡¡shuffles¡¡in¡£

AUGUSTUS¡¡£§hastily¡¡putting¡¡aside¡¡his¡¡paper¡¡and¡¡replacing¡¡his¡¡feet
on¡¡the¡¡floor£§¡£¡¡Hullo£¡¡¡Who¡¡are¡¡you£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡The¡¡staff¡¡£§a¡¡slight¡¡impediment¡¡in¡¡his¡¡speech¡¡adds¡¡to
the¡¡impression¡¡of¡¡incompetence¡¡produced¡¡by¡¡his¡¡age¡¡and
appearance£§¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡You¡¡the¡¡staff£¡¡¡What¡¡do¡¡you¡¡mean£»¡¡man£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡What¡¡I¡¡say¡£¡¡There¡¡ain't¡¡anybody¡¡else¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Tush£¡¡¡Where¡¡are¡¡the¡¡others£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡At¡¡the¡¡front¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Quite¡¡right¡£¡¡Most¡¡proper¡£¡¡Why¡¡aren't¡¡you¡¡at¡¡the¡¡front£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡Over¡¡age¡£¡¡Fifty¡­seven¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡But¡¡you¡¡can¡¡still¡¡do¡¡your¡¡bit¡£¡¡Many¡¡an¡¡older¡¡man¡¡is¡¡in
the¡¡G¡£R¡£'s£»¡¡or¡¡volunteering¡¡for¡¡home¡¡defence¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡I¡¡have¡¡volunteered¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Then¡¡why¡¡are¡¡you¡¡not¡¡in¡¡uniform£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡They¡¡said¡¡they¡¡wouldn't¡¡have¡¡me¡¡if¡¡I¡¡was¡¡given¡¡away
with¡¡a¡¡pound¡¡of¡¡tea¡£¡¡Told¡¡me¡¡to¡¡go¡¡home¡¡and¡¡not¡¡be¡¡an¡¡old¡¡silly¡£
£§A¡¡sense¡¡of¡¡unbearable¡¡wrong£»¡¡till¡¡now¡¡only¡¡smouldering¡¡in¡¡him£»
bursts¡¡into¡¡flame¡££§¡¡Young¡¡Bill¡¡Knight£»¡¡that¡¡I¡¡took¡¡with¡¡me£»¡¡got
two¡¡and¡¡sevenpence¡£¡¡I¡¡got¡¡nothing¡£¡¡Is¡¡it¡¡justice£¿¡¡This¡¡country¡¡is
going¡¡to¡¡the¡¡dogs£»¡¡if¡¡you¡¡ask¡¡me¡£

AUGUSTUS¡¡£§rising¡¡indignantly£§¡£¡¡I¡¡do¡¡not¡¡ask¡¡you£»¡¡sir£»¡¡and¡¡I¡¡will
not¡¡allow¡¡you¡¡to¡¡say¡¡such¡¡things¡¡in¡¡my¡¡presence¡£¡¡Our¡¡statesmen
are¡¡the¡¡greatest¡¡known¡¡to¡¡history¡£¡¡Our¡¡generals¡¡are¡¡invincible¡£
Our¡¡army¡¡is¡¡the¡¡admiration¡¡of¡¡the¡¡world¡£¡¡£§Furiously¡££§¡¡How¡¡dare
you¡¡tell¡¡me¡¡that¡¡the¡¡country¡¡is¡¡going¡¡to¡¡the¡¡dogs£¡

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡Why¡¡did¡¡they¡¡give¡¡young¡¡Bill¡¡Knight¡¡two¡¡and
sevenpence£»¡¡and¡¡not¡¡give¡¡me¡¡even¡¡my¡¡tram¡¡fare£¿¡¡Do¡¡you¡¡call¡¡that
being¡¡great¡¡statesmen£¿¡¡As¡¡good¡¡as¡¡robbing¡¡me£»¡¡I¡¡call¡¡it¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡That's¡¡enough¡£¡¡Leave¡¡the¡¡room¡£¡¡£§He¡¡sits¡¡down¡¡and¡¡takes
up¡¡his¡¡pen£»¡¡settling¡¡himself¡¡to¡¡work¡£¡¡The¡¡clerk¡¡shuffles¡¡to¡¡the
door¡£¡¡Augustus¡¡adds£»¡¡with¡¡cold¡¡politeness£§¡¡Send¡¡me¡¡the¡¡Secretary¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡I'M¡¡the¡¡Secretary¡£¡¡I¡¡can't¡¡leave¡¡the¡¡room¡¡and¡¡send
myself¡¡to¡¡you¡¡at¡¡the¡¡same¡¡time£»¡¡can¡¡I£¿

AUGUSTUS£»¡¡Don't¡¡be¡¡insolent¡£¡¡Where¡¡is¡¡the¡¡gentleman¡¡I¡¡have¡¡been
corresponding¡¡with£º¡¡Mr¡¡Horatio¡¡Floyd¡¡Beamish£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡¡£§returning¡¡and¡¡bowing£§¡£¡¡Here¡£¡¡Me¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡You£¡¡¡Ridiculous¡£¡¡What¡¡right¡¡have¡¡you¡¡to¡¡call¡¡yourself
by¡¡a¡¡pretentious¡¡name¡¡of¡¡that¡¡sort£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡You¡¡may¡¡drop¡¡the¡¡Horatio¡¡Floyd¡£¡¡Beamish¡¡is¡¡good¡¡enough
for¡¡me¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Is¡¡there¡¡nobody¡¡else¡¡to¡¡take¡¡my¡¡instructions£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡It's¡¡me¡¡or¡¡nobody¡£¡¡And¡¡for¡¡two¡¡pins¡¡I'd¡¡chuck¡¡it¡£
Don't¡¡you¡¡drive¡¡me¡¡too¡¡far¡£¡¡Old¡¡uns¡¡like¡¡me¡¡is¡¡up¡¡in¡¡the¡¡world
now¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡If¡¡we¡¡were¡¡not¡¡at¡¡war£»¡¡I¡¡should¡¡discharge¡¡you¡¡on¡¡the
spot¡¡for¡¡disrespectful¡¡behavior¡£¡¡But¡¡England¡¡is¡¡in¡¡danger£»¡¡and¡¡I
cannot¡¡think¡¡of¡¡my¡¡personal¡¡dignity¡¡at¡¡such¡¡a¡¡moment¡£¡¡£§Shouting
at¡¡him¡££§¡¡Don't¡¡you¡¡think¡¡of¡¡yours£»¡¡either£»¡¡worm¡¡that¡¡you¡¡are£»¡¡or
I'll¡¡have¡¡you¡¡arrested¡¡under¡¡the¡¡Defence¡¡of¡¡the¡¡Realm¡¡Act£»¡¡double
quick¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡What¡¡do¡¡I¡¡care¡¡about¡¡the¡¡realm£¿¡¡They¡¡done¡¡me¡¡out¡¡of
two¡¡and¡¡seven

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Oh£»¡¡damn¡¡your¡¡two¡¡and¡¡seven£¡¡¡Did¡¡you¡¡receive¡¡my
letters£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡Yes¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡I¡¡addressed¡¡a¡¡meeting¡¡here¡¡last¡¡nightwent¡¡straight¡¡to
the¡¡platform¡¡from¡¡the¡¡train¡£¡¡I¡¡wrote¡¡to¡¡you¡¡that¡¡I¡¡should¡¡expect
you¡¡to¡¡be¡¡present¡¡and¡¡report¡¡yourself¡£¡¡Why¡¡did¡¡you¡¡not¡¡do¡¡so£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡The¡¡police¡¡wouldn't¡¡let¡¡me¡¡on¡¡the¡¡platform¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Did¡¡you¡¡tell¡¡them¡¡who¡¡you¡¡were£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡They¡¡knew¡¡who¡¡I¡¡was¡£¡¡That's¡¡why¡¡they¡¡wouldn't¡¡let¡¡me
up¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡This¡¡is¡¡too¡¡silly¡¡for¡¡anything¡£¡¡This¡¡town¡¡wants¡¡waking
up¡£¡¡I¡¡made¡¡the¡¡best¡¡recruiting¡¡speech¡¡I¡¡ever¡¡made¡¡in¡¡my¡¡life£»¡¡and
not¡¡a¡¡man¡¡joined¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡What¡¡did¡¡you¡¡expect£¿¡¡You¡¡told¡¡them¡¡our¡¡gallant¡¡fellows
is¡¡falling¡¡at¡¡the¡¡rate¡¡of¡¡a¡¡thousand¡¡a¡¡day¡¡in¡¡the¡¡big¡¡push¡£¡¡Dying
for¡¡Little¡¡Pifflington£»¡¡you¡¡says¡£¡¡Come¡¡and¡¡take¡¡their¡¡places£»¡¡you
says¡£¡¡That¡¡ain't¡¡the¡¡way¡¡to¡¡recruit¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡But¡¡I¡¡expressly¡¡told¡¡them¡¡their¡¡widows¡¡would¡¡have
pensions¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡I¡¡heard¡¡you¡£¡¡Would¡¡have¡¡been¡¡all¡¡right¡¡if¡¡it¡¡had¡¡been
the¡¡widows¡¡you¡¡wanted¡¡to¡¡get¡¡round¡£

AUGUSTUS¡¡£§rising¡¡angrily£§¡£¡¡This¡¡town¡¡is¡¡inhabited¡¡by¡¡dastards¡£¡¡I
say¡¡it¡¡with¡¡a¡¡full¡¡sense¡¡of¡¡responsibility£»¡¡DASTARDS£¡¡¡They¡¡call
themselves¡¡Englishmen£»¡¡and¡¡they¡¡are¡¡afraid¡¡to¡¡fight¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡Afraid¡¡to¡¡fight£¡¡¡You¡¡should¡¡see¡¡them¡¡on¡¡a¡¡Saturday
night¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Yes£»¡¡they¡¡fight¡¡one¡¡another£»¡¡but¡¡they¡¡won't¡¡fight¡¡the
Germans¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡They¡¡got¡¡grudges¡¡again¡¡one¡¡another£º¡¡how¡¡can¡¡they¡¡have
grudges¡¡again¡¡the¡¡Huns¡¡that¡¡they¡¡never¡¡saw£¿¡¡They've¡¡no
imagination£º¡¡that's¡¡what¡¡it¡¡is¡£¡¡Bring¡¡the¡¡Huns¡¡here£»¡¡and¡¡they'll
quarrel¡¡with¡¡them¡¡fast¡¡enough¡£

AUGUSTUS¡¡£§returning¡¡to¡¡his¡¡seat¡¡with¡¡a¡¡grunt¡¡of¡¡disgust£§¡£¡¡Mf£¡
They'll¡¡have¡¡them¡¡here¡¡if¡¡they're¡¡not¡¡careful¡£¡¡£§Seated¡££§¡¡Have¡¡you
carried¡¡out¡¡my¡¡orders¡¡about¡¡the¡¡war¡¡saving£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡Yes¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡The¡¡allowance¡¡of¡¡petrol¡¡has¡¡been¡¡reduced¡¡by¡¡three
quarters£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡It¡¡has¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡And¡¡you¡¡have¡¡told¡¡the¡¡motor¡­car¡¡people¡¡to¡¡come¡¡here¡¡and
arrange¡¡to¡¡start¡¡munition¡¡work¡¡now¡¡that¡¡their¡¡motor¡¡business¡¡is
stopped£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡It¡¡ain't¡¡stopped¡£¡¡They're¡¡busier¡¡than¡¡ever¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Busy¡¡at¡¡what£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡Making¡¡small¡¡cars¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡NEW¡¡cars£¡

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡The¡¡old¡¡cars¡¡only¡¡do¡¡twelve¡¡miles¡¡to¡¡the¡¡gallon¡£
Everybody¡¡has¡¡to¡¡have¡¡a¡¡car¡¡that¡¡will¡¡do¡¡thirty¡­five¡¡now¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Can't¡¡they¡¡take¡¡the¡¡train£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡There¡¡ain't¡¡no¡¡trains¡¡now¡£¡¡They've¡¡tore¡¡up¡¡the¡¡rails
and¡¡sent¡¡them¡¡to¡¡the¡¡front¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Psha£¡

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡Well£»¡¡we¡¡have¡¡to¡¡get¡¡about¡¡somehow¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡This¡¡is¡¡perfectly¡¡monstrous¡£¡¡Not¡¡in¡¡the¡¡least¡¡what¡¡I
intended¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡Hell

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Sir£¡

THE¡¡CLERK¡¡£§explaining£§¡£¡¡Hell£»¡¡they¡¡says£»¡¡is¡¡paved¡¡with¡¡good
intentions¡£

AUGUSTUS¡¡£§springing¡¡to¡¡his¡¡feet£§¡£¡¡Do¡¡you¡¡mean¡¡to¡¡insinuate¡¡that
hell¡¡is¡¡paved¡¡with¡¡MY¡¡good¡¡intentionswith¡¡the¡¡good¡¡intentions
of¡¡His¡¡Majesty's¡¡Government£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡I¡¡don't¡¡mean¡¡to¡¡insinuate¡¡anything¡¡until¡¡the¡¡Defence
of¡¡the¡¡Realm¡¡Act¡¡is¡¡repealed¡£¡¡It¡¡ain't¡¡safe¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡They¡¡told¡¡me¡¡that¡¡this¡¡town¡¡had¡¡set¡¡an¡¡example¡¡to¡¡all
England¡¡in¡¡the¡¡matter¡¡of¡¡economy¡£¡¡I¡¡came¡¡down¡¡here¡¡to¡¡promise¡¡the
Mayor¡¡a¡¡knighthood¡¡for¡¡his¡¡exertions¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡The¡¡Mayor£¡¡¡Where¡¡do¡¡I¡¡come¡¡in£¿

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡You¡¡don't¡¡come¡¡in¡£¡¡You¡¡go¡¡out¡£¡¡This¡¡is¡¡a¡¡fool¡¡of¡¡a
place¡£¡¡I'm¡¡greatly¡¡disappointed¡£¡¡Deeply¡¡disappointed¡£¡¡£§Flinging
himself¡¡back¡¡into¡¡his¡¡chair¡££§¡¡Disgusted¡£

THE¡¡CLERK¡£¡¡What¡¡more¡¡can¡¡we¡¡do£¿¡¡We've¡¡shut¡¡up¡¡everything¡£¡¡The
picture¡¡gallery¡¡is¡¡shut¡£¡¡The¡¡museum¡¡is¡¡shut¡£¡¡The¡¡theatres¡¡and
picture¡¡shows¡¡is¡¡shut£º¡¡I¡¡haven't¡¡seen¡¡a¡¡movie¡¡picture¡¡for¡¡six
months¡£

AUGUSTUS¡£¡¡Man£»¡¡man£º¡¡do¡¡you¡¡want¡¡to¡¡see¡¡picture¡¡shows¡¡when¡¡the¡¡Hun
is¡¡at¡¡the¡¡gate£¿

THE¡¡CLERK¡¡£§mournfully£§¡£¡¡I¡¡don't¡¡now£»¡¡though¡¡it¡¡drove¡¡me
melancholy¡¡mad¡¡at¡¡first¡£¡¡I¡¡was¡¡on¡¡the¡¡point¡¡of¡¡taking¡¡a¡¡pennorth
of¡¡rat¡¡p

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