the life of charlotte bronte-1-第51节

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ccasions。　　I　own；　I　was　astonished　the　first　time　I　was　left　alone　thus；　when　everybody　else　was　enjoying　the　pleasures　of　a　fete　day　with　their　friends；　and　she　knew　I　was　quite　by　myself；　and　never　took　the　least　notice　of　me。　　Yet；　I　understand；　she　praises　me　very　much　to　everybody；　and　says　what　excellent　lessons　I　give。　　She　is　not　colder　to　me　than　she　is　to　the　other　teachers；　but　they　are　less　dependent　on　her　than　I　am。　　They　have　relations　and　acquaintances　in　Bruxelles。　　You　remember　the　letter　she　wrote　me；　when　I　was　in　England？　　How　kind　and　affectionate　that　was？　is　it　not　odd？　　In　the　meantime；　the　complaints　I　make　at　present　are　a　sort　of　relief　which　I　permit　myself。　　In　all　other　respects　I　am　well　satisfied　with　my　position；　and　you　may　say　so　to　people　who　inquire　after　me　（if　any　one　does）。　　Write　to　me；　dear；　whenever　you　can。　　You　do　a　good　deed　when　you　send　me　a　letter；　for　you　comfort　a　very　desolate　heart。〃


One　of　the　reasons　for　the　silent　estrangement　between　Madame　Heger　and　Miss　Bronte；　in　the　second　year　of　her　residence　at　Brussels；　is　to　be　found　in　the　fact；　that　the　English　Protestant's　dislike　of　Romanism　increased　with　her　knowledge　of　it；　and　its　effects　upon　those　who　professed　it；　and　when　occasion　called　for　an　expression　of　opinion　from　Charlotte　Bronte；　she　was　uncompromising　truth。　　Madame　Heger；　on　the　opposite　side；　was　not　merely　a　Roman　Catholic；　she　was　DEVOTE。　　Not　of　a　warm　or　impulsive　temperament；　she　was　naturally　governed　by　her　conscience；　rather　than　by　her　affections；　and　her　conscience　was　in　the　hands　of　her　religious　guides。　　She　considered　any　slight　thrown　upon　her　Church　as　blasphemy　against　the　Holy　Truth；　and；　though　she　was　not　given　to　open　expression　of　her　thoughts　and　feelings；　yet　her　increasing　coolness　of　behaviour　showed　how　much　her　most　cherished　opinions　had　been　wounded。　　Thus；　although　there　was　never　any　explanation　of　Madame　Heger's　change　of　manner；　this　may　be　given　as　one　great　reason　why；　about　this　time；　Charlotte　was　made　painfully　conscious　of　a　silent　estrangement　between　them；　an　estrangement　of　which；　perhaps；　the　former　was　hardly　aware。　　I　have　before　alluded　to　intelligence　from　home；　calculated　to　distress　Charlotte　exceedingly　with　fears　respecting　Branwell；　which　I　shall　speak　of　more　at　large　when　the　realisation　of　her　worst　apprehensions　came　to　affect　the　daily　life　of　herself　and　her　sisters。　　I　allude　to　the　subject　again　here；　in　order　that　the　reader　may　remember　the　gnawing；　private　cares；　which　she　had　to　bury　in　her　own　heart；　and　the　pain　of　which　could　only　be　smothered　for　a　time　under　the　diligent　fulfilment　of　present　duty。　　Another　dim　sorrow　was　faintly　perceived　at　this　time。　　Her　father's　eyesight　began　to　fail；　it　was　not　unlikely　that　he　might　shortly　become　blind；　more　of　his　duty　must　devolve　on　a　curate；　and　Mr。　Bronte；　always　liberal；　would　have　to　pay　at　a　higher　rate　than　he　had　heretofore　done　for　this　assistance。

She　wrote　thus　to　Emily：…

〃Dec。1st；　1843。

〃This　is　Sunday　morning。　　They　are　at　their　idolatrous　'messe；'　and　I　am　here；　that　is　in　the　Refectoire。　　I　should　like　uncommonly　to　be　in　the　dining…room　at　home；　or　in　the　kitchen；　or　in　the　back　kitchen。　　I　should　like　even　to　be　cutting　up　the　hash；　with　the　clerk　and　some　register　people　at　the　other　table；　and　you　standing　by；　watching　that　I　put　enough　flour；　not　too　much　pepper；　and；　above　all；　that　I　save　the　best　pieces　of　the　leg　of　mutton　for　Tiger　and　Keeper；　the　first　of　which　personages　would　be　jumping　about　the　dish　and　carving…knife；　and　the　latter　standing　like　a　devouring　flame　on　the　kitchen…floor。　　To　complete　the　picture；　Tabby　blowing　the　fire；　in　order　to　boil　the　potatoes　to　a　sort　of　vegetable　glue！　　How　divine　are　these　recollections　to　me　at　this　moment！　　Yet　I　have　no　thought　of　coming　home　just　now。　　I　lack　a　real　pretext　for　doing　so；　it　is　true　this　place　is　dismal　to　me；　but　I　cannot　go　home　without　a　fixed　prospect　when　I　get　there；　and　this　prospect　must　not　be　a　situation；　that　would　be　jumping　out　of　the　frying…pan　into　the　fire。　　YOU　call　yourself　idle！　absurd；　absurd！　。　。　。　Is　papa　well？　　Are　you　well？　and　Tabby？　　You　ask　about　Queen　Victoria's　visit　to　Brussels。　　I　saw　her　for　an　instant　flashing　through　the　Rue　Royale　in　a　carriage　and　six；　surrounded　by　soldiers。　　She　was　laughing　and　talking　very　gaily。　　She　looked　a　little　stout；　vivacious　lady；　very　plainly　dressed；　not　much　dignity　or　pretension　about　her。　　The　Belgians　liked　her　very　well　on　the　whole。　　They　said　she　enlivened　the　sombre　court　of　King　Leopold；　which　is　usually　as　gloomy　as　a　conventicle。　　Write　to　me　again　soon。　　Tell　me　whether　papa　really　wants　me　very　much　to　come　home；　and　whether　you　do　likewise。　　I　have　an　idea　that　I　should　be　of　no　use　therea　sort　of　aged　person　upon　the　parish。　　I　pray；　with　heart　and　soul；　that　all　may　continue　well　at　Haworth；　above　all　in　our　grey　half…　inhabited　house。　　God　bless　the　walls　thereof！　　Safety；　health；　happiness；　and　prosperity　to　you；　papa；　and　Tabby。　　Amen。

〃C。　B。〃

Towards　the　end　of　this　year　（1843）　various　reasons　conspired　with　the　causes　of　anxiety　which　have　been　mentioned；　to　make　her　feel　that　her　presence　was　absolutely　and　imperatively　required　at　home；　while　she　had　acquired　all　that　she　proposed　to　herself　in　coming　to　Brussels　the　second　time；　and　was；　moreover；　no　longer　regarded　with　the　former　kindliness　of　feeling　by　Madame　Heger。　In　consequence　of　this　state　of　things；　working　down　with　sharp　edge　into　a　sensitive　mind；　she　suddenly　announced　to　that　lady　her　immediate　intention　of　returning　to　England。　　Both　M。　and　Madame　Heger　agreed　that　it　would　be　for　the　best；　when　they　learnt　only　that　part　of　the　case　which　she　could　reveal　to　them　namely；　Mr。　Bronte's　increasing　blindness。　　But　as　the　inevitable　moment　of　separation　from　people　and　places；　among　which　she　had　spent　so　many　happy　hours；　drew　near；　her　spirits　gave　way；　she　had　the　natural　presentiment　that　she　saw　them　all　for　the　last　time；　and　she　received　but　a　dead　kind　of　comfort　from　being　reminded　by　her　friends　that　Brussels　and　Haworth　were　not　so　very　far　apart；　that　access　from　one　place　to　the　other　was　not　so　difficult　or　impracticable　as　her　tears　would　seem　to　predicate；　nay；　there　was　some　talk　of　one　of　Madame　Heger's　daughters　being　sent　to　her　as　a　pupil；　if　she　fulfilled　her　intention　of　trying　to　begin　a　school。　　To　facilitate　her　success　in　this　plan；　should　she　ever　engage　in　it；　M。　Heger　gave　her　a　kind　of　diploma；　dated　from；　and　sealed　with　the　seal　of　the　Athenee　Royal　de　Bruxelles；　certifying　that　she　was　perfectly　capable　of　teaching　the　French　language；　having　well　studied　the　grammar　and　composition　thereof；　and；　moreover；　having　prepared　herself　for　teaching　by　studying　and　practising　the　best　methods　of　instruction。　　This　certificate　is　dated　December　29th　1843；　and　on　the　2nd　of　January；　1844；　she　arrived　at　Haworth。

On　the　23rd　of　the　month　she　writes　as　follows：…

〃Every　one　asks　me　what　I　am　going　to　do；　now　that　I　am　returned　home；　and　every　one　seems　to　expect　that　I　should　immediately　commence　a　school。　　In　truth；　it　is　what　I　should　wish　to　do。　　I　desire　it　above　all　things。　　I　have　sufficient　money　for　the　undertaking；　and　I　hope　now　sufficient　qualifications　to　give　me　a　fair　chance　of　success；　yet　I　cannot　yet　permit　myself　to　enter　upon　lifeto　touch　the　object　which　seems　now　within　my　reach；　and　which　I　have　been　so　long　straining　to　attain。　　You　will　ask　me　why？　　It　is　on　papa's　account；　he　is　now；　as　you　know；　getting　old；　and　it　grieves　me　to　tell　you　that　he　is　losing　his　sight。　　I　have　felt　for　some　months　that　I　ought　not　to　be　away　from　him；　and　I　feel　now　that　it　would　be　too　selfish　to　leave　him　（at　least；　as　long　as　Branwell　and　Anne　are　absent）；　in　order　to　pursue　selfish　interests　of　my　own。　　With　the　help　of　God；　I　will　try　to　deny　myself　in　this　matter；　and　to　wait。

〃I　suffered　much　before　I　left　Brussels。　　I　think；　however　long　I　live；　I　shall　not　forget　what　the　parting　with　M。　Heger　cost　me。　It　grieved　me　so　much　to　grieve　him　who　has　been　so　true；　kind；　and　disinterested　a　friend。　　At　parting　he　gave　me　a　kind　of　diploma　certifying　my　abilities　as　a　teacher；　sealed　with　the　seal　of　the　Athenee　Royal；　of　which　he　is　professor。　　I　was　surprised　also　at　the　degree　of　regret　expressed　by　my　Belgian　pupils；　when　they　knew　I　was　going　to　leave。　　I　did　not　think　it　had　been　in　their　phlegmatic　nature　。　。　。　I　do　not　know　whether　you　feel　as　I　do；　but　there　are　times　now　when　it　appears　to　me　as　if　all　my　ideas　and　feelings；　except　a　few　friendships　and　affections；　are　changed　from　what　they　used　to　be；　something　in　me；　which　used　to　be　enthusiasm；　is　tamed　down　and　broken。　　I　have　fewer　illusions；　what　I　wish　for　now　is　active　exertiona　stake　in　life。　　Haworth　seems　such　a　lonely；　quiet　spot；　buried　away　from　the　world。　　I　no　longer　regard　myself　as　youngindeed；　I　shall　soon　be　twenty…　eight；　and　it　seems　as　if　I　ought　to　be　working　and　braving　the　rough　realities　of　the　world；　as　other　people　do。　　It　is；　however；　my　duty　to　restrain　this　feeling　at　present；　and　I　will　endeavour　to　do　so。〃

Of　course　her　absent　sister　and　brother　obtained　a