armadale-第118节

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allowed　him　before　he　sends　in　his　answer；　to　ask　for　time；　too；
before　I　tell　him　whether　I　will　or　will　not　go　abroad。）


〃Five　o'clock。A　tiresome　visit　from　my　landlady；　eager　for　a
little　gossip；　and　full　of　news　which　she　thinks　will　interest
me。

〃She　is　acquainted；　I　find；　with　Mrs。　Milroy's　late　nurse；　and
she　has　been　seeing　her　friend　off　at　the　station　this　afternoon。
They　talked；　of　course；　of　affairs　at　the　cottage；　and　my　name
found　its　way　into　the　conversation。　I　am　quite　wrong；　it　seems；
if　the　nurse's　authority　is　to　be　trusted；　in　believing　Miss
Milroy　to　be　responsible　for　sending　Mr。　Armadale　to　my　reference
in　London。　Miss　Milroy　really　knew　nothing　about　it；　and　it　all
originated　in　her　mother's　mad　jealousy　of　me。　The　present
wretched　state　of　things　at　the　cottage　is　due　entirely　to　the
same　cause。　Mrs。　Milroy　is　firmly　persuaded　that　my　remaining　at
Thorpe　Ambrose　is　referable　to　my　having　some　private　means　of
communicating　with　the　major　which　it　is　impossible　for　her　to
discover。　With　this　conviction　in　her　mind；　she　has　become　so
unmanageable　that　no　person；　with　any　chance　of　bettering
herself；　could　possibly　remain　in　attendance　an　her；　and　sooner
or　later；　the　major；　object　to　it　as　he　may；　will　be　obliged　to
place　her　under　proper　medical　care。

〃That　is　the　sum　and　substance　of　what　the　wearisome　landlady；
had　to　tell　me。　Unnecessary　to　say　that　I　was　not　in　the　least
interested　by　it。　Even　if　the　nurse's　s　assertion　is　to　be
depended　onwhich　I　persist　in　doubtingit　is　of　no　importance
now。　I　know　that　Miss　Milroy；　and　nobody　but　Miss　Milroy　has
utterly　ruined　my　prospect　of　becoming　Mrs。　Armadale　of　Thorpe
Ambrose；　and　I　care　to　know　nothing　more。　If　her　mother　was
really　alone　in　the　attempt　to　expose　my　false　reference；　her
mother　seems　to　be　suffering　for　it；　at　any　rate。　And　so　good…by
to　Mrs。　Milroy；　and　Heaven　defend　me　from　any　more　last　glimpses
at　the　cottages　seen　through　the　medium　of　my　landlady's
spectacles！


〃Nine　o'clock。Bashwood　has　just　left　me；　having　come　with　news
from　the　great　house。　Pedgift　the　younger　has　made　his　attempt　at
bringing　about　a　reconciliation　this　very　day；　and　has　failed。　I
am　the　sole　cause　of　the　failure。　Armadale　is　quite　willing　to　be
reconciled　if　Pedgift　the　elder　will　avoid　all　future　occasion　of
disagreement　between　them　by　never　recurring　to　the　subject　of
Miss　Gwilt。　This；　however；　happens　to　be　exactly　the　condition
which　Pedgift's　fatherwith　his　opinion　of　me　and　my
doingsshould　consider　it　his　duty　to　Armadale　_not_　to　accept。
So　lawyer　and　client　remain　as　far　apart　as　ever；　and　the
obstacle　of　the　Pedgifts　is　cleared　out　of　my　way。

〃It　might　have　been　a　very　awkward　obstacle；　so　far　as　Pedgift
the　elder　is　concerned；　if　one　of　his　suggestions　had　been
carried　out；　I　mean；　if　an　officer　of　the　London　police　had　been
brought　down　here　to　look　at　me。　It　is　a　question；　even　now；
whether　I　had　better　not　take　to　the　thick　veil　again；　which　I
always　wear　in　London　and　other　large　places。　The　only　difficulty
is　that　it　would　excite　remark　in　this　inquisitive　little　town　to
see　me　wearing　a　thick　veil；　for　the　first　time；　in　the　summer
weather。

〃It　is　close　on　ten　o'clock；　I　have　been　dawdling　over　my　diary
longer　than　I　supposed。

〃No　words　can　describe　how　weary　and　languid　I　feel。　Why　don't　I
take　my　sleeping　drops　and　go　to　bed？　There　is　no　meeting　between
Armadale　and　Miss　Milroy　to　force　me　into　early　rising　to…morrow
morning。　Am　I　trying；　for　the　hundredth　time；　to　see　my　way
clearly　into　the　futuretrying；　in　my　present　state　of　fatigue；
to　be　the　quick…witted　woman　I　once　was；　before　all　these
anxieties　came　together　and　overpowered　me？　or　am　I　perversely
afraid　of　my　bed　when　I　want　it　most？　I　don't　know；　I　am　tired
and　miserable；　I　am　looking　wretchedly　haggard　and　old。　With　a
little　encouragement；　I　might　be　fool　enough　to　burst　out　crying。
Luckily；　there　is　no　one　to　encourage　me。　What　sort　of　a　night　is
it；　I　wonder？

〃A　cloudy　night；　with　the　moon　showing　at　intervals；　and　the　wind
rising。　I　can　just　hear　it　moaning　among　the　ins　and　outs　of　the
unfinished　cottages　at　the　end　of　the　street。　My　nerves　must　be　a
little　shaken；　I　think。　I　was　startled　just　now　by　a　shadow　on
the　wall。　It　was　only　after　a　moment　or　two　that　I　mustered　sense
enough　to　notice　where　the　candle　was；　and　to　see　that　the　shadow
was　my　own。

〃Shadows　remind　me　of　Midwinter；　or；　if　the　shadows　don't；
something　else　does。　I　must　have　another　look　at　his　letter；　and
then　I　will　positively　go　to　bed。


〃I　shall　end　in　getting　fond　of　him。　If　I　remain　much　longer　in
this　lonely　uncertain　stateso　irresolute；　so　unlike　my　usual
selfI　shall　end　in　getting　fond　of　him。　What　madness！　As　if　_I_
could　ever　be　really　fond　of　a　man　again！

〃Suppose　I　took　one　of　my　sudden　resolutions；　and　married　him。
Poor　as　he　is；　he　would　give　me　a　name　and　a　position　if　I　became
his　wife。　Let　me　see　how　the　namehis　own　namewould　look；　if　I
really　did　consent　to　it　for　mine。

〃　'Mrs。　Armadale！'　Pretty。

〃　'Mrs。　Allan　Armadale！'　Prettier　still。

〃My　nerves　_must_　be　shaken。　Here　is　my　own　handwriting　startling
me　now！　It　is　so　strange；　it　is　enough　to　startle　anybody。　The
similarity　in　the　two　names　never　struck　me　in　this　light　before。
Marry　which　of　the　two　I　might；　my　name　would；　of　course；　be　the
same。　I　should　have　been　Mrs。　Armadale；　if　I　had　married　the
light…haired　Allan　at　the　great　house。　And　I　can　be　Mrs。　Armadale
still；　if　I　marry　the　dark…haired　Allan　in　London。　It's　alm　ost
maddening　to　write　it　downto　feel　that　something　ought　to　come
of　itand　to　find　nothing　come。

〃How　_can_　anything　come　of　it？　If　I　did　go　to　London；　and　marry
him　（as　of　course　I　must　marry　him）　under　his　real　name；　would　he
let　me　be　known　by　it　afterward？　With　all　his　reasons　for
concealing　his　real　name；　he　would　insistno；　he　is　too　fond　of
me　to　do　thathe　would　entreat　me　to　take　the　name　which　he　has
assumed。　Mrs。　Midwinter。　Hideous！　Ozias；　too；　when　I　wanted　to
address　him　familiarly；　as　his　wife　should。　Worse　than　hideous！

〃And　yet　there　would　be　some　reason　for　humoring　him　in　this　if
he　asked　me。

〃Suppose　the　brute　at　the　great　house　happened　to　leave　this
neighborhood　as　a　single　man；　and　suppose；　in　his　absence；　any　of
the　people　who　know　him　heard　of　a　Mrs。　Allan　Armadale；　they
would　set　her　down　at　once　as　his　wife。　Even　if　they　actually　saw
meif　I　actually　came　among　them　with　that　name；　and　if　he　was
not　present　to　contradict　ithis　own　servants　would　be　the　first
to　say；　'We　knew　she　would　marry　him；　after　all！'　And　my
lady…patronesses；　who　will　be　ready　to　believe　anything　of　me　now
we　have　quarreled；　would　join　the　chorus　_sotto　voce：_　'Only
think；　my　dear；　the　report　that　so　shocked　us　actually　turns　out
to　be　true！'　No。　If　I　marry　Midwinter；　I　must　either　be
perpetually　putting　my　husband　and　myself　in　a　false　positionor
I　must　leave　his　real　name；　his　pretty；　romantic　name；　behind　me
at　the　church　door。

〃My　husband！　As　if　I　was　really　going　to　marry　him！　I　am　_not_
going　to　marry　him；　and　there's　an　end　of　it。


〃Half…past　ten。Oh；　dear！　oh；　dear！　how　my　temples　throb；　and
how　hot　my　weary　eyes　feel！　There　is　the　moon　looking　at　me
through　the　window。　How　fast　the　little　scattered　clouds　are
flying　before　the　wind！　Now　they　let　the　moon　in；　and　now　they
shut　the　moon　out。　What　strange　shapes　the　patches　of　yellow
light　take；　and　lose　again；　all　in　a　moment！　No　peace　and　quiet
for　me；　look　where　I　may。　The　candle　keeps　flickering；　and　the
very　sky　itself　is　restless　to…night。

〃　'To　bed！　to　bed！'　as　Lady　Macbeth　says。　I　wonder；　by…the…by；
what　Lady　Macbeth　would　have　done　in　my　position？　She　would　have
killed　somebody　when　her　difficulties　first　began。　Probably
Armadale。


〃Friday　morning。A　night's　rest；　thanks　again　to　my　Drops。　I
went　to　breakfast　in　better　spirits；　and　received　a　morning
welcome　in　the　shape　of　a　letter　from　Mrs。　Oldershaw。

〃My　silence　has　produced　its　effect　on　Mother　Jezebel。　She
attributes　it　to　the　right　cause；　and　she　shows　her　claws　at
last。　If　I　am　not　in　a　position　to　pay　my　note　of　hand　for　thirty
pounds；　which　is　due　on　Tuesday　next；　her　lawyer　is　instructed　to
'take　the　usual　course。'　_If_　I　am　not　in　a　position　to　pay　it！
Why；　when　I　have　settled　to…day　with　my　landlord；　I　shall　have
barely　five　pounds　left！　There　is　not　the　shadow　of　a　prospect
between　now　and　Tuesday　of　my　earning　any　money；　and　I　don't
possess　a　friend　in　this　place　who　would　trust　me　with　sixpence。
The　difficulties　that　are　swarming　round　me　wanted　but　one　more
to　complete　them；　and　that　one　has　come。

〃Midwinter　would　assist　me；　of　course；　if　I　could　bring　myself　to
ask　him　for　assistance。　But　_that_　means　marrying　him。　Am　I
really　desperate　enough　and　helpless　enough　to　end　it　in　that
way？　No；　not　yet。

〃My　head　feels　heavy；　I　must　get　out　into　the　fresh　air；　and
think　about　it。


〃Two　o'clock。I　believe　I　have　caught　the　infection　of
Midwinter's　superstition。　I　begin　to　think　that　events　are
forcing　me　nearer　and　nearer　to　some　end　which　I　don't　see　yet；
but　which　I　am　firmly　persuaded　is　now　not　far　of