armadale-第114节

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after　that；　if　you　can！

〃What　next？　The　murder　in　the　timber　ship？　No；　the　murder　is　a
good　reason　why　the　dark　Armadale；　whose　father　committed　it；
should　keep　his　secret　from　the　fair　Armadale；　whose　father　was
killed；　but　it　doesn't　concern　_me。_　I　remember　there　was　a
suspicion　in　Madeira　at　the　time　of　something　wrong。　_Was_　it
wrong？　Was　the　man　who　had　been　tricked　out　of　his　wife　to　blame
for　shutting　the　cabin　door；　and　leaving　the　man　who　had　tricked
him　to　drown　in　the　wreck？　Yes；　the　woman　wasn't　worth　it。

〃What　am　I　sure　of　that　really　concerns　myself？

〃I　am　sure　of　one　very　important　thing。　I　am　sure　that
MidwinterI　must　call　him　by　his　ugly　false　name；　or　I　may
confuse　the　two　Armadales　before　I　have　doneI　am　sure　that
Midwinter　is　perfectly　ignorant　that　I　and　the　little　imp　of
twelve　years　old　who　waited　o　n　Mrs。　Armadale　in　Madeira；　and
copied　the　letters　that　were　supposed　to　arrive　from　the　West
Indies；　are　one　and　the　same。　There　are　not　many　girls　of　twelve
who　could　have　imitated　a　man's　handwriting；　and　held　their
tongues　about　it　afterward；　as　I　did；　but　that　doesn't　matter
now。　What　does　matter　is　that　Midwinter's　belief　in　the　Dream　is
Midwinter's　only　reason　for　trying　to　connect　me　with　Allan
Armadale；　by　associating　me　with　Allan　Armadale's　father　and
mother。　I　asked　him　if　he　actually　thought　me　old　enough　to　have
known　either　of　them。　And　he　said　No；　poor　fellow；　in　the　most
innocent；　bewildered　way。　Would　he　say　No　if　he　saw　me　now？　Shall
I　turn　to　the　glass　and　see　if　I　look　my　five…and…thirty　years？
or　shall　I　go　on　writing？　I　will　go　on　writing。

〃There　is　one　thing　more　that　haunts　me　almost　as　obstinately　as
the　Names。

〃I　wonder　whether　I　am　right　in　relying　on　Midwinter'
superstition　（as　I　do）　to　help　me　in　keeping　him　at　arms…length。
After　having　let　the　excitement　of　the　moment　hurry　me　into
saying　more　than　I　need　have　said；　he　is　certain　to　press　me；　he
is　certain　to　come　back；　with　a　man's　hateful　selfishness　and
impatience　in　such　things；　to　the　question　of　marrying　me。　Will
the　Dream　help　me　to　check　him？　After　alternately　believing　and
disbelieving　in　it；　he　has　got；　by　his　own　confession；　to
believing　in　it　again。　Can　I　say　I　believe　in　it；　too？　I　have
better　reasons　for　doing　so　than　he　knows　of。　I　am　not　only　the
person　who　helped　Mrs。　Armadale's　marriage　by　helping　her　to
impose　on　her　own　father：　I　am　the　woman　who　tried　to　drown
herself；　the　woman　who　started　the　series　of　accidents　which　put
young　Armadale　in　possession　of　his　fortune；　the　woman　who　has
come　Thorpe　Ambrose　to　marry　him　for　his　fortune；　now　he　has　got
it；　and　more　extraordinary　still；　the　woman　who　stood　in　the
Shadow's　place　at　the　pool！　These　may　be　coincidences；　but　they
are　strange　coincidences。　I　declare　I　begin　to　fancy　that　_I_
believe　in　the　Dream　too！

〃Suppose　I　say　to　him；　'I　think　as　you　think。　I　say　what　you　said
in　your　letter　to　me；　Let　us　part　before　the　harm　is　done。　Leave
me　before　the　Third　Vision　of　the　Dream　comes　true。　Leave　me；　and
put　the　mountains　and　the　seas　between　you　and　the　man　who　bears
your　name！'

〃Suppose；　on　the　other　side；　that　his　love　for　me　makes　him
reckless　of　everything　else？　Suppose　he　says　those　desperate
words　again；　which　I　understand　now：　What　_is_　to　be；　_will_　be。
What　have　I　to　do　with　it；　and　what　has　she？'　Supposesuppose

〃I　won't　write　any　more。　I　hate　writing。　It　doesn't　relieve
meit　makes　me　worse。　I'm　further　from　being　able　to　think　of
all　that　I　_must_　think　of　than　I　was　when　I　sat　down。　It　is　past
midnight。　To…morrow　has　come　already；　and　here　I　am　as　helpless
as　the　stupidest　woman　living！　Bed　is　the　only　fit　place　for　me。

〃Bed？　If　it　was　ten　years　since；　instead　of　to…day；　and　if　I　had
married　Midwinter　for　love；　I　might　be　going　to　bed　now　with
nothing　heavier　on　my　mind　than　a　visit　on　tiptoe　to　the　nursery；
and　a　last　look　at　night　to　see　if　my　children　were　sleeping
quietly　in　their　cribs。　I　wonder　whether　I　should　have　loved　my
children　if　I　had　ever　had　any？　Perhaps；　yesperhaps；　no。　It
doesn't　matter。


〃Tuesday　morning；　ten　o'clock。Who　was　the　man　who　invented
laudanum？　I　thank　him　from　the　bottom　of　my　heart　whoever　he　was。
If　all　the　miserable　wretches　in　pain　of　body　and　mind；　whose
comforter　he　has　been；　could　meet　together　to　sing　his　praises；
what　a　chorus　it　would　be！　I　have　had　six　delicious　hours　of
oblivion；　I　have　woke　up　with　my　mind　composed；　I　have　written　a
perfect　little　letter　to　Midwinter；　I　have　drunk　my　nice　cup　of
tea；　with　a　real　relish　of　it；　I　have　dawdled　over　my　morning
toilet　with　an　exquisite　sense　of　reliefand　all　through　the
modest　little　bottle　of　Drops；　which　I　see　on　my　bedroom
chimney…piece　at　this　moment。　'Drops；'　you　are　a　darling！　If　I
love　nothing　else；　I　love　_you。_

〃My　letter　to　Midwinter　has　been　sent　through　the　post；　and　I
have　told　him　to　reply　to　me　in　the　same　manner。

〃I　feel　no　anxiety　about　his　answerhe　can　only　answer　in　one
way。　I　have　asked　for　a　little　time　to　consider；　because　my
family　circumstances　require　some　consideration；　in　his　interests
as　well　as　in　mine。　I　have　engaged　to　tell　him　what　those
circumstances　are　（what　shall　I　say；　I　wonder？）　when　we　next
meet；　and　I　have　requested　him　in　the　meantime　to　keep　all　that
has　passed　between　us　a　secret　for　the　present。　As　to　what　he　is
to　do　himself　in　the　interval　while　I　am　supposed　to　be
considering；　I　have　left　it　to　his　own　discretionmerely
reminding　him　that　his　attempting　to　see　me　again　（while　our
positions　toward　each　other　cannot　be　openly　avowed）　might　injure
my　reputation。　I　have　offered　to　write　to　him　if　he　wishes　it；
and　I　have　ended　by　promising　to　make　the　interval　of　our
necessary　separation　as　short　as　I　can。

〃This　sort　of　plain；　unaffected　letterwhich　I　might　have
written　to　him　last　night；　if　his　story　had　not　been　running　in
my　head　as　it　didhas　one　defect；　I　know。　It　certainly　keeps　him
out　of　the　way；　while　I　am　casting　my　net；　and　catching　my　gold
fish　at　the　great　house　for　the　second　time；　but　it　also　leaves
an　awkward　day　of　reckoning　to　come　with　Midwinter　if　I　succeed。
How　am　I　to　manage　him？　What　am　I　to　do？　I　ought　to　face　those
two　questions　as　boldly　as　usual；　but　somehow　my　courage　seems　to
fail　me；　and　I　don't　quite　fancy　meeting　_that_　difficulty；　till
the　time　comes　when　it　_must_　be　met。　Shall　I　confess　to　my　diary
that　I　am　sorry　for　Midwinter；　and　that　I　shrink　a　little　from
thinking　of　the　day　when　he　hears　that　I　am　going　to　be　mistress
at　the　great　house？

〃But　I　am　not　mistress　yet；　and　I　can't　take　a　step　in　the
direction　of　the　great　house　till　I　have　got　the　answer　to　my
letter；　and　till　I　know　that　Midwinter　is　out　of　the　way。
Patience！　patience！　I　must　go　and　forget　myself　at　my　piano。
There　is　the　'Moonlight　Sonata'　open；　and　tempting　me；　on　the
music…stand。　Have　I　nerve　enough　to　play　it；　I　wonder？　Or　will　it
set　me　shuddering　with　the　mystery　and　terror　of　it；　as　it　did
the　other　day？


〃Five　o'clock。I　have　got　his　answer。　The　slightest　request　I
can　make　is　a　command　to　him。　He　has　gone；　and　he　sends　me　his
address　in　London。　'There　are　two　considerations'　（he　says）
'which　help　to　reconcile　me　to　leaving　you。　The　first　is　that
_you_　wish　it；　and　that　it　is　only　to　be　for　a　little　while。　The
second　is　that　I　think　I　can　make　some　arrangements　in　London　for
adding　to　my　income　by　my　own　labor。　I　have　never　cared　for　money
for　myself；　but　you　don't　know　how　I　am　beginning　already　to
prize　the　luxuries　and　refinements　that　money　can　provide；　for　my
wife's　sake。'　Poor　fellow！　I　almost　wish　I　had　not　written　to　him
as　I　did；　I　almost　wish　I　had　not　sent　him　away　from　me。

〃Fancy　if　Mother　Oldershaw　saw　this　page　in　my　diary！　I　have　had
a　letter　from　her　this　morninga　letter　to　remind　me　of　my
obligations；　and　to　tell　me　she　suspects　things　are　all　going
wrong。　Let　her　suspect！　I　shan't　trouble　myself　to　answer；　I
can't　be　worried　with　that　old　wretch　in　the　state　I　am　in　now。

〃It　is　a　lovely　afternoonI　want　a　walkI　mustn't　think　of
Midwinter。　Suppose　I　put　on　my　bonnet；　and　try　my　experiment　at
once　at　the　great　house？　Everything　is　in　my　favor。　There　is　no
spy　to　follow　me；　and　no　lawyer　to　keep　me　out；　this　time。　Am　I
handsome　enough；　today？　Well；　yes；　handsome　enough　to　be　a　match
for　a　little　dowdy；　awkward；　freckled　creature；　who　ought　to　be
perched　on　a　form　at　school；　and　strapped　to　a　backboard　to
straighten　her　crooked　shoulders。

　　　　　〃　'The　nursery　lisps　out　in　all　they　utter；
　　　　　　　　Besides；　they　always　smell　of　bread…and…butter。'

〃How　admirably　Byron　has　described　girls　in　their　teens！


〃Eight　o'clock。I　have　just　got　back　from　Armadale's　house。　I
have　seen　him；　and　spoken　to　him；　and　the　end　of　it　may　be　set
down　in　three　plain　words。　I　have　failed。　There　is　no　more　chance
of　my　being　Mrs。　Armadale　of　Thorpe　Ambrose　than　there　is　of　my
being　Queen　of　England。

〃Shall　I　write　and　tell　Oldershaw？　Shall　I　go　back　to　London？　Not
till　I　have　had　time　to　think　a　little。　N　ot　just　yet。

〃Let　me　think；　I　have　failed　completelyfailed；　with　all　the
circumstances　in　favor　of　success。　I　caught　him　alone　on　the
d