resurrection(复活)-第68节

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nothing　but　weariness　from　the　life　she　led；　yet　she
perseveringly　continued　to　live　it；　though　it　was　poisoning　her
husband's　life。　And　all　his　efforts　to　alter　this　life　was
shattered；　as　against　a　stone　wall；　by　her　conviction；　which　all
her　friends　and　relatives　supported；　that　all　was　as　it　should
be。

The　child；　a　little　girl　with　bare　legs　and　long　golden　curls；
was　a　being　perfectly　foreign　to　him；　chiefly　because　she　was
trained　quite　otherwise　than　he　wished　her　to　be。　There　sprung　up
between　the　husband　and　wife　the　usual　misunderstanding；　without
even　the　wish　to　understand　each　other；　and　then　a　silent
warfare；　hidden　from　outsiders　and　tempered　by　decorum。　All　this
made　his　life　at　home　a　burden；　and　became　even　less　〃the　right
thing〃　than　his　service　and　his　post。

But　it　was　above　all　his　attitude　towards　religion　which　was　not
〃the　right　thing。〃　Like　every　one　of　his　set　and　his　time；　by　the
growth　of　his　reason　he　broke　without　the　least　effort　the　nets
of　the　religious　superstitions　in　which　he　was　brought　up；　and
did　not　himself　exactly　know　when　it　was　that　he　freed　himself　of
them。　Being　earnest　and　upright；　he　did　not；　during　his　youth　and
intimacy　with　Nekhludoff　as　a　student；　conceal　his　rejection　of
the　State　religion。　But　as　years　went　on　and　he　rose　in　the
service；　and　especially　at　the　time　of　the　reaction　towards
conservatism　in　society；　his　spiritual　freedom　stood　in　his　way。

At　home；　when　his　father　died；　he　had　to　be　present　at　the　masses
said　for　his　soul；　and　his　mother　wished　him　to　go　to　confession
or　to　communion；　and　it　was　in　a　way　expected；　by　public　opinion；
but　above　all；　Government　service　demanded　that　he　should　be
present　at　all　sorts　of　services；　consecrations；　thanksgivings；
and　the　like。　Hardly　a　day　passed　without　some　outward　religious
form　having　to　be　observed。

When　present　at　these　services　he　had　to　pretend　that　he　believed
in　something　which　he　did　not　believe　in；　and　being　truthful　he
could　not　do　this。　The　alternative　was；　having　made　up　his　mind
that　all　these　outward　signs　were　deceitful；　to　alter　his　life　in
such　a　way　that　he　would　not　have　to　be　present　at　such
ceremonials。　But　to　do　what　seemed　so　simple　would　have　cost　a
great　deal。　Besides　encountering　the　perpetual　hostility　of　all
those　who　were　near　to　him；　he　would　have　to　give　up　the　service
and　his　position；　and　sacrifice　his　hopes　of　being　useful　to
humanity　by　his　service；　now　and　in　the　future。　To　make　such　a
sacrifice　one　would　have　to　be　firmly　convinced　of　being　right。

And　he　was　firmly　convinced　he　was　right；　as　no　educated　man　of
our　time　can　help　being　convinced　who　knows　a　little　history　and
how　the　religions；　and　especially　Church　Christianity；
originated。

But　under　the　stress　of　his　daily　life　he；　a　truthful　man；
allowed　a　little　falsehood　to　creep　in。　He　said　that　in　order　to
do　justice　to　an　unreasonable　thing　one　had　to　study　the
unreasonable　thing。　It　was　a　little　falsehood；　but　it　sunk　him
into　the　big　falsehood　in　which　he　was　now　caught。

Before　putting　to　himself　the　question　whether　the　orthodoxy　in
which　he　was　born　and　bred；　and　which　every　one　expected　him　to
accept；　and　without　which　he　could　not　continue　his　useful
occupation；　contained　the　truth；　he　had　already　decided　the
answer。　And　to　clear　up　the　question　he　did　not　read　Voltaire；
Schopenhauer；　Herbert　Spencer；　or　Comte；　but　the　philosophical
works　of　Hegel　and　the　religious　works　of　Vinet　and　Khomyakoff；
and　naturally　found　in　them　what　he　wanted；　i。e。；　something　like
peace　of　mind　and　a　vindication　of　that　religious　teaching　in
which　he　was　educated；　which　his　reason　had　long　ceased　to
accept；　but　without　which　his　whole　life　was　filled　with
unpleasantness　which　could　all　be　removed　by　accepting　the
teaching。

And　so　he　adopted　all　the　usual　sophistries　which　go　to　prove
that　a　single　human　reason　cannot　know　the　truth；　that　the　truth
is　only　revealed　to　an　association　of　men；　and　can　only　be　known
by　revelation；　that　revelation　is　kept　by　the　church；　etc。　And　so
he　managed　to　be　present　at　prayers；　masses　for　the　dead；　to
confess；　make　signs　of　the　cross　in　front　of　icons；　with　a　quiet
mind；　without　being　conscious　of　the　lie；　and　to　continue　in　the
service　which　gave　him　the　feeling　of　being　useful　and　some
comfort　in　his　joyless　family　life。　Although　he　believed　this；　he
felt　with　his　entire　being　that　this　religion　of　his；　more　than
all　else；　was　not　〃the　right　thing；〃　and　that　is　why　his　eyes
always　looked　sad。

And　seeing　Nekhludoff；　whom　he　had　known　before　all　these　lies
had　rooted　themselves　within　him；　reminded　him　of　what　he　then
was。　It　was　especially　after　he　had　hurried　to　hint　at　his
religious　views　that　he　had　most　strongly　felt　all　this　〃not　the
right　thing；〃　and　had　become　painfully　sad。　Nekhludoff　felt　it
also　after　the　first　joy　of　meeting　his　old　friend　had　passed；
and　therefore；　though　they　promised　each　other　to　meet；　they　did
not　take　any　steps　towards　an　interview；　and　did　not　again　see
each　other　during　this　stay　of　Nekhludoff's　in　Petersburg。


CHAPTER　XXIV。

MARIETTE　TEMPTS　NEKHLUDOFF。

When　they　left　the　Senate；　Nekhludoff　and　the　advocate　walked　on
together；　the　advocate　having　given　the　driver　of　his　carriage
orders　to　follow　them。　The　advocate　told　Nekhludoff　the　story　of
the　chief　of　a　Government　department；　about　whom　the　Senators　had
been　talking：　how　the　thing　was　found　out；　and　how　the　man；　who
according　to　law　should　have　been　sent　to　the　mines；　had　been
appointed　Governor　of　a　town　in　Siberia。　Then　he　related　with
particular　pleasure　how　several　high…placed　persons　stole　a　lot
of　money　collected　for　the　erection　of　the　still　unfinished
monument　which　they　had　passed　that　morning；　also；　how　the
mistress　of　So…and…so　got　a　lot　of　money　at　the　Stock　Exchange；
and　how　So…and…so　agreed　with　So…and…so　to　sell　him　his　wife。　The
advocate　began　another　story　about　a　swindle；　and　all　sorts　of
crimes　committed　by　persons　in　high　places；　who；　instead　of　being
in　prison；　sat　on　presidential　chairs　in　all　sorts　of　Government
institutions。　These　tales；　of　which　the　advocate　seemed　to　have
an　unending　supply；　gave　him　much　pleasure；　showing　as　they　did；
with　perfect　clearness；　that　his　means　of　getting　money　were
quite　just　and　innocent　compared　to　the　means　which　the　highest
officials　in　Petersburg　made　use　of。　The　advocate　was　therefore
surprised　when　Nekhludoff　took　an　isvostchik　before　hearing　the
end　of　the　story；　said　good…bye；　and　left　him。　Nekhludoff　felt
very　sad。　It　was　chiefly　the　rejection　of　the　appeal　by　the
Senate；　confirming　the　senseless　torments　that　the　innocent
Maslova　was　enduring；　that　saddened　him；　and　also　the　fact　that
this　rejection　made　it　still　harder　for　him　to　unite　his　fate
with　hers。　The　stories　about　existing　evils；　which　the　advocate
recounted　with　such　relish；　heightened　his　sadness；　and　so　did
the　cold；　unkind　look　that　the　once　sweet…natured；　frank；　noble
Selenin　had　given　him；　and　which　kept　recurring　to　his　mind。

On　his　return　the　doorkeeper　handed　him　a　note；　and　said；　rather
scornfully；　that　some　kind　of　woman　had　written　it　in　the　hall。
It　was　a　note　from　Shoustova's　mother。　She　wrote　that　she　had
come　to　thank　her　daughter's　benefactor　and　saviour；　and　to
implore　him　to　come　to　see　them　on　the　Vasilievsky；　Sth　Line；
house　No。　。　This　was　very　necessary　because　of　Vera　Doukhova。
He　need　not　be　afraid　that　they　would　weary　him　with　expressions
of　gratitude。　They　would　not　speak　their　gratitude；　but　be　simply
glad　to　see　him。　Would　he　not　come　next　morning；　if　he　could？

There　was　another　note　from　Bogotyreff；　a　former　fellow…officer；
aide…de…camp　to　the　Emperor；　whom　Nekhludoff　had　asked　to　hand
personally　to　the　Emperor　his　petition　on　behalf　of　the
sectarians。　Bogotyreff　wrote；　in　his　large；　firm　hand；　that　he
would　put　the　petition　into　the　Emperor's　own　hands；　as　he　had
promised；　but　that　it　had　occurred　to　him　that　it　might　be　better
for　Nekhludoff　first　to　go　and　see　the　person　on　whom　the　matter
depended。

After　the　impressions　received　during　the　last　few　days；
Nekhludoff　felt　perfectly　hopeless　of　getting　anything　done。　The
plans　he　had　formed　in　Moscow　seemed　now　something　like　the
dreams　of　youth；　which　are　inevitably　followed　by　disillusion
when　life　comes　to　be　faced。　Still；　being　now　in　Petersburg；　he
considered　it　his　duty　to　do　all　he　had　intended；　and　he　resolved
next　day；　after　consulting　Bogotyreff；　to　act　on　his　advice　and
see　the　person　on　whom　the　case　of　the　sectarians　depended。

He　got　out　the　sectarians'　petition　from　his　portfolio；　and　began
reading　it　over；　when　there　was　a　knock　at　his　door；　and　a
footman　came　in　with　a　message　from　the　Countess　Katerina
Ivanovna；　who　asked　him　to　come　up　and　have　a　cup　of　tea　with
her。

Nekhludoff　said　he　would　come　at　once；　and　having　put　the　papers
back　into　the　portfolio；　he　went　up　to　his　aunt's。　He　looked　out
of　a　window　on　his　way；　and　saw　Mariette's　pair　of　bays　standing
in　front　of　the　house；　and　he　suddenly　brightened　and　felt
inclined　to　smile。

Mariette；　with　a　hat　on　her　head；　not　in　black　but　with　a　light
dress　of　many　shades