idle ideas in 1905-第19节

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better　than　in　Germany。　　The　Anglo…Saxon　should　not　attempt　the　Dutch
G。　　It　is　hopeless　to　think　of　succeeding；　and　the　attempt　has　been
known　to　produce　internal　rupture。　　The　Dutchman　appears　to　keep　his
G　in　his　stomach；　and　to　haul　it　up　when　wanted。　　Myself；　I　find　the
ordinary　G；　preceded　by　a　hiccough　and　followed　by　a　sob；　the　nearest
I　can　get　to　it。　　But　they　tell　me　it　is　not　quite　right；　yet。

One　needs　to　save　up　beforehand　if　one　desires　to　spend　any　length　of
time　in　Holland。　　One　talks　of　dear　old　England；　but　the　dearest　land
in　all　the　world　is　little　Holland。　　The　florin　there　is　equal　to　the
franc　in　France　and　to　the　shilling　in　England。　　They　tell　you　that
cigars　are　cheap　in　Holland。　　A　cheap　Dutch　cigar　will　last　you　a
day。　　It　is　not　until　you　have　forgotten　the　taste　of　it　that　you
feel　you　ever　want　to　smoke　again。　　I　knew　a　man　who　reckoned　that　he
had　saved　hundreds　of　pounds　by　smoking　Dutch　cigars　for　a　month
steadily。　　It　was　years　before　he　again　ventured　on　tobacco。

Watching　building　operations　in　Holland　brings　home　to　you　forcibly；
what　previously　you　have　regarded　as　a　meaningless　formulanamely；
that　the　country　is　built　upon　piles。　　A　dozen　feet　below　the　level
of　the　street　one　sees　the　labourers　working　in　fishermen's　boots　up
to　their　knees　in　water；　driving　the　great　wooden　blocks　into　the
mud。　　Many　of　the　older　houses　slope　forward　at　such　an　angle　that
you　almost　fear　to　pass　beneath　them。　　I　should　be　as　nervous　as　a
kitten；　living　in　one　of　the　upper　storeys。　　But　the　Dutchman　leans
out　of　a　window　that　is　hanging　above　the　street　six　feet　beyond　the
perpendicular；　and　smokes　contentedly。

They　have　a　merry　custom　in　Holland　of　keeping　the　railway　time
twenty　minutes　ahead　of　the　town　timeor　is　it　twenty　minutes
behind？　　I　never　can　remember　when　I'm　there；　and　I　am　not　sure　now。
The　Dutchman　himself　never　knows。

〃You've　plenty　of　time；〃　he　says

〃But　the　train　goes　at　ten；〃　you　say；　〃the　station　is　a　mile　away；
and　it　is　now　half…past　nine。〃

〃Yes；　but　that　means　ten…twenty；〃　he　answers；　〃you　have　nearly　an
hour。〃

Five　minutes　later　he　taps　you　on　the　shoulder。

〃My　mistake；　it's　twenty　to　ten。　　I　was　thinking　it　was　the　other　way
about。〃

Another　argues　with　him　that　his　first　idea　was　right。　　They　work　it
out　by　scientific　methods。　　Meanwhile　you　have　dived　into　a　cab。　　The
result　is　always　the　same：　　you　are　either　forty　minutes　too　soon；　or
you　have　missed　the　train　by　twenty　minutes。　　A　Dutch　platform　is
always　crowded　with　women　explaining　volubly　to　their　husbands　either
that　there　was　not　any　need　to　have　hurried；　or　else　that　the　thing
would　have　been　to　have　started　half　an　hour　before　they　did；　the　man
in　both　cases　being；　of　course；　to　blame。　　The　men　walk　up　and　down
and　swear。

The　idea　has　been　suggested　that　the　railway　time　and　the　town　time
should　be　made　to　conform。　　The　argument　against　the　idea　is　that　if
it　were　carried　out　there　would　be　nothing　left　to　put　the　Dutchman
out　and　worry　him。



SHOULD　WE　SAY　WHAT　WE　THINK；　OR　THINK　WHAT　WE　SAY？



A　mad　friend　of　mine　will　have　it　that　the　characteristic　of　the　age
is　Make…Believe。　　He　argues　that　all　social　intercourse　is　founded　on
make…believe。　　A　servant　enters　to　say　that　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Bore　are　in
the　drawing…room。

〃Oh；　damn！〃　says　the　man。

〃Hush！〃　says　the　woman。　　〃Shut　the　door；　Susan。　　How　often　am　I　to
tell　you　never　to　leave　the　door　open？〃

The　man　creeps　upstairs　on　tiptoe　and　shuts　himself　in　his　study。
The　woman　does　things　before　a　looking…glass；　waits　till　she　feels
she　is　sufficiently　mistress　of　herself　not　to　show　her　feelings；　and
then　enters　the　drawing…room　with　outstretched　hands　and　the　look　of
one　welcoming　an　angel's　visit。　　She　says　how　delighted　she　is　to　see
the　Boreshow　good　it　was　of　them　to　come。　　Why　did　they　not　bring
more　Bores　with　them？　　Where　is　naughty　Bore　junior？　　Why　does　he
never　come　to　see　her　now？　　She　will　have　to　be　really　angry　with
him。　　And　sweet　little　Flossie　Bore？　　Too　young　to　pay　calls！
Nonsense。　　An　〃At　Home〃　day　is　not　worth　having　where　all　the　Bores
are　not。

The　Bores；　who　had　hoped　that　she　was　outwho　have　only　called
because　the　etiquette　book　told　them　that　they　must　call　at　least
four　times　in　the　season；　explain　how　they　have　been　trying　and
trying　to　come。

〃This　afternoon；〃　recounts　Mrs。　Bore；　〃we　were　determined　to　come。
'John；　dear；'　I　said　this　morning；　'I　shall　go　and　see　dear　Mrs。
Bounder　this　afternoon；　no　matter　what　happens。'〃

The　idea　conveyed　is　that　the　Prince　of　Wales；　on　calling　at　the
Bores；　was　told　that　he　could　not　come　in。　　He　might　call　again　in
the　evening　or　come　some　other　day。

That　afternoon　the　Bores　were　going　to　enjoy　themselves　in　their　own
way；　they　were　going　to　see　Mrs。　Bounder。

〃And　how　is　Mr。　Bounder？〃　demands　Mrs。　Bore。

Mrs。　Bounder　remains　mute　for　a　moment；　straining　her　ears。　　She　can
hear　him　creeping　past　the　door　on　his　way　downstairs。　　She　hears　the
front　door　softly　opened　and　closed…to。　　She　wakes；　as　from　a　dream。
She　has　been　thinking　of　the　sorrow　that　will　fall　on　Bounder　when　he
returns　home　later　and　learns　what　he　has　missed。

And　thus　it　is；　not　only　with　the　Bores　and　Bounders；　but　even　with
us　who　are　not　Bores　or　Bounders。　　Society　in　all　ranks　is　founded　on
the　make…believe　that　everybody　is　charming；　that　we　are　delighted　to
see　everybody；　that　everybody　is　delighted　to　see　us；　that　it　is　so
good　of　everybody　to　come；　that　we　are　desolate　at　the　thought　that
they　really　must　go　now。

Which　would　we　rather　dostop　and　finish　our　cigar　or　hasten　into
the　drawing…room　to　hear　Miss　Screecher　sing？　　Can　you　ask　us？　　We
tumble　over　each　other　in　our　hurry。　　Miss　Screecher　would　really
rather　not　sing；　but　if　we　insistWe　do　insist。　　Miss　Screecher；
with　pretty　reluctance；　consents。　　We　are　careful　not　to　look　at　one
another。　　We　sit　with　our　eyes　fixed　on　the　ceiling。　　Miss　Screecher
finishes；　and　rises。

〃But　it　was　so　short；〃　we　say；　so　soon　as　we　can　be　heard　above　the
applause。　　Is　Miss　Screecher　quite　sure　that　was　the　whole　of　it？　　Or
has　she　been　playing　tricks　upon　us；　the　naughty　lady；　defrauding　us
of　a　verse？　　Miss　Screecher　assures　us　that　the　fault　is　the
composer's。　　But　she　knows　another。　　At　this　hint；　our　faces　lighten
again　with　gladness。　　We　clamour　for　more。

Our　host's　wine　is　always　the　most　extraordinary　we　have　ever　tasted。
No；　not　another　glass；　we　dare　notdoctor's　orders；　very　strict。
Our　host's　cigar！　　We　did　not　know　they　made　such　cigars　in　this
workaday　world。　　No；　we　really　could　not　smoke　another。　　Well；　if　he
will　be　so　pressing；　may　we　put　it　in　our　pocket？　　The　truth　is；　we
are　not　used　to　high　smoking。　　Our　hostess's　coffee！　　Would　she
confide　to　us　her　secret？　　The　baby！　　We　hardly　trust　ourselves　to
speak。　　The　usual　babywe　have　seen　it。　　As　a　rule；　to　be　candid；　we
never　could　detect　much　beauty　in　babieshave　always　held　the　usual
gush　about　them　to　be　insincere。　　But　this　baby！　　We　are　almost　on
the　point　of　asking　them　where　they　got　it。　　It　is　just　the　kind　we
wanted　for　ourselves。　　Little　Janet's　recitation：　　〃A　Visit　to　the
Dentist！〃　　Hitherto　the　amateur　reciter　has　not　appealed　to　us。　　But
this　is　genius；　surely。　　She　ought　to　be　trained　for　the　stage。　　Her
mother　does　not　altogether　approve　of　the　stage。　　We　plead　for　the
stagethat　it　may　not　be　deprived　of　such　talent。

Every　bride　is　beautiful。　　Every　bride　looks　charming　in　a　simple
costume　offor　further　particulars　see　local　papers。　　Every　marriage
is　a　cause　for　universal　rejoicing。　　With　our　wine…glass　in　our　hand
we　picture　the　ideal　life　we　know　to　be　in　store　for　them。　　How　can
it　be　otherwise？　　She；　the　daughter　of　her　mother。　　（Cheers。）　　He
well；　we　all　know　him。　　（More　cheers。）　　Also　involuntary　guffaw　from
ill…regulated　young　man　at　end　of　table；　promptly　suppressed。

We　carry　our　make…believe　even　into　our　religion。　　We　sit　in　church；
and　in　voices　swelling　with　pride；　mention　to　the　Almighty；　at　stated
intervals；　that　we　are　miserable　wormsthat　there　is　no　good　in　us。
This　sort　of　thing；　we　gather；　is　expected　of　us；　it　does　us　no　harm；
and　is　supposed　to　please。

We　make…believe　that　every　woman　is　good；　that　every　man　is　honest
until　they　insist　on　forcing　us；　against　our　will；　to　observe　that
they　are　not。　　Then　we　become　very　angry　with　them；　and　explain　to
them　that　they；　being　sinners；　are　not　folk　fit　to　mix　with　us
perfect　people。　　Our　grief；　when　our　rich　aunt　dies；　is　hardly　to　be
borne。　　Drapers　make　fortunes；　helping　us　to　express　feebly　our
desolation。　　Our　only　consolation　is　that　she　has　gone　to　a　better
world。

Everybody　goes　to　a　better　world　when　they　have　got　all　they　can　out
of　this　one。

We　stand　around　the　open　grave　and　tell　each　other　so。　　The　clergyman
is　so　assured　of　it　that；　to　save　time；　they　have　written　out　the
formula　for　him　and　had　it　printed　in　a　little　book。　　As　a　child　it
used　to　surprise　methis　fact　that　everybody　went　to　heaven。
Thinking　of　all　the　people　that　had　died；　I　pictured　the　place
overcrowded。　　Almost　I　felt　sorry　for　the　Devil；　nobody　ever　coming
his　way；　so　t