new burlesques(新讽刺诗)-第15节
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must needs be recognized as comparatively commonplace and vulgar； but
really this is so superb that I must express some of my emotion； even at
the risk of lowering your opinion of my good taste； provided； of course；
that you have any opinion on the one hand or any good taste on the other。〃
〃Without that undue depreciation of one's self which must ever be a
sign of self…conscious demerit；〃 said the young girl lightly； 〃I may say that
I am not generally good at Johnsonese； but it may relieve your mind to
know that had you kept silence one instant longer； I should have taken the
risk of lowering your opinion of my taste； provided； of course； that you
have one to lower and are capable of that exertionif such indeed it may
be termedby remarking that this is perfectly magnificent。〃
〃Do you think；〃 he said gloomily； still leaning on the rail； 〃that we can
keep this kind of thing upperhaps I should say downmuch longer？
For myself； I am feeling far from well； it may have been the lobsteror
that last sentencebut〃
They were both silent。 〃Yet；〃 she said； after a pause； 〃you can at least
take Mr。 Starling and his dyspepsia off my hands。 You might be equal to
that exertion。〃
〃I suppose that by this time I ought to be doing something for
somebody；〃 he said thoughtfully。 〃Yes； I will。〃
That evening after dinner he took Mr。 Starling into the smoking… room
and card…room。 They had something hot。 At 4 A。 M。； with the
assistance of the steward； he projected Mr。 Starling into Mrs。 Starling's
stateroom； delicately withdrawing to evade the lady's thanks。 At
breakfast he saw Miss Bike。 〃Thank you so much；〃 she said； 〃Mrs。
Starling found Starling greatly improved。 He himself admitted he was
'never berrer' and； far from worrying about what night…clothes he should
wear； went to bed AS HE WASeven to his hat。 Mrs。 Starling calls you
'her preserver；' and Mr。 Starling distinctly stated that you were a 'jolly…
good…fler。'〃
〃And you？〃 asked John Lummox。
〃In your present condition of abnormal self…consciousness and
apperceptive egotism； I really shouldn't like to say。〃
When the voyage was ended Mr。 Lummox went to see Mary Bike at
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her house； and his fatherwhom he had not seen for ten yearsat HIS
house。 With a refined absence of natural affection he contented himself
with inquiring of the servants as to his father's habits； and if he still wore
dress clothes at dinner。 The information thus elicited forced him to the
conclusion that the old gentleman's circumstances were reduced； and that
it was possible that he； John Lummox； might be actually compelled to earn
his own living。 He communicated that suspicion to his father at dinner；
and over the last bottle of 〃Mouton；〃 a circumstance which also had
determined him in his resolution。 〃You might；〃 said his father
thoughtfully； 〃offer yourself to some rising American novelist as a study
for the new hero；one absolutely without ambition； capacity； or energy；
willing； however； to be whatever the novelist chooses to make him； so
long as he hasn't to choose for himself。 If your inordinate self…
consciousness is still in your way； I could give him a few points about you；
myself。〃
〃I had thought；〃 said John； hesitatingly； 〃of going into your office and
becoming your partner in the business。 You could always look after me；
you know。〃
A shudder passed over the old man。 Then he tremblingly muttered to
himself：
〃Thank heaven！ There is one way it may still be averted！〃 Retiring to
his room he calmly committed suicide； thoughtfully leaving the empty
poison bottle in the fender。
And this is how John Lummox came to offer himself as a clerk to
Dan'l Borem。 The ways of Providence are indeed strange； yet those of
the novelist are only occasionally novel。
III
John K。 Lummox lived for a week at the Turkey Buzzard Hotel
exclusively on doughnuts and innuendoes。 He was informed by Mr。
Borem's clerkwhose place he was to fillthat he wouldn't be able to
stand it； and thus received the character of his employer from his last
employee。
〃I suppose；〃 said Dan'l Borem； chuckling； 〃that he said I was a old
skinflint； good only at a hoss trade； uneddicated； ignorant； and unable to
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keep accounts； and an oppressor o' the widder and orphan。 Allowed that
my cute sayin's was a kind o' ten…cent parody o' them proverbs in Poor
Richard's Almanack！〃
〃Omitting a few expletives； he certainly did；〃 returned Lummox with
great delicacy。
〃He allowed to me；〃 said Dan'l thoughtfully； 〃that YOU was a poor
critter that hadn't a single reason to show for livin'： that the fool…killer had
bin shadderin' you from your birth； and that you hadn't paid a cent profit
on your father's original investment in ye； nor on the assessments he'd paid
on ye ever since。 He seems to be a cute feller arter all； and I'm rather
sorry he's leavin'。〃
〃I am quite willing to abandon my position in his favor； now；〃 said
Lummox with alacrity。
〃No；〃 said Dan'l； rubbing his chin argumentatively； 〃the only way for
us to do is to circumvent him like in a hoss tradewith suthin' unexpected。
When he thinks you're goin' to sleep in the shafts you'll run away； and
when he think's I'm vicious I'll let a woman or a child drive me。〃
IV
〃Well； Dan'l； how's that new clerk o' yours gettin' on？〃 said Mrs。
Bigby a week later。
〃Purty fine！ He's good at accounts and hez got to know the Bank's
customers by this time。 But I allus reckoned he'd get stuck with some o'
them counterfeit notesand he hez！ Ye see he ain't accustomed to look at
a five or a ten dollar note as sharp as some men； and he's already taken in
two tens and a five counterfeits。〃
〃Gracious！〃 said Mrs。 Bigsby。 〃What did the poor feller do？〃
〃Oh； he ups and tells me； all right； after he discovered it。 And sez he：
'I've charged my account with 'em；' sez he； 'so the Bank won't lose it。'〃
〃Why； Dan'l；〃 said Mrs。 Bigsby； 〃ye didn't let that poor feller〃
〃You hol' on！〃 said her brother； 〃business is business； but I sez to him：
'Ye oughter put it down to Profit and Loss account。 Or perhaps we'll
have a chance o' gettin' rid o' them；not in Noo York； where folks is sharp；
but here in the country； and then ye kin credit yourself with the amount
arter you've got rid o' them。'〃
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〃Laws！ I'm sorry ye did that； Dan'l；〃 said Mrs。 Bigsby。
〃With that he riz up；〃 continued Dan'l； ignoring his sister； 〃and； takin'
them counterfeit notes from my hand； sez he： 'Them notes belong to ME
now；' sez he； 'and I'm goin' to destroy 'em。' And with that he walks over
to the fire as stiff as a poker； and held them notes in it until they were
burnt clean up。〃
〃Well； but that was honest and straightforward in him！〃 said Mrs。
Bigsby。
〃Um！ but it wasn't businessand ye see〃 Dan'l paused and rubbed
his chin。
〃Well； go on！〃 said Mrs。 Bigsby impatiently。
〃Well； ye see； neither him nor me was very smart in detectin'
counterfeits； or even knowin' 'em； and〃
〃Well！ For goodness' sake； Dan'l； speak out！〃
〃WellTHE DUM FOOL BURNT UP THREE GOOD BILLS； and we
neither of us knew it！〃
V
The 〃unexpected〃 which Dan'l Borem had hinted might characterize
his future conduct was first intima
