the forged coupon()-第27节
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miserable； abandoned woman； asking only to be forgiven and forgotten。
Then the horrid recollection of the scene with his wife came to him； their
surmises and their suspicions； which became a certainty。 The calamity had
happened in Finland； where they had let her visit her aunt； and the culprit
was an insignificant Swede； a student； an empty…headed； worthless
creatureand married。
All this came back to him now as he paced backwards and forwards on
the bedroom carpet； recollecting his former love for her； his pride in her。
He recoiled with terror before the incomprehensible fact of her downfall；
and he hated her for the agony she was causing him。 He remembered the
conversation with his sister…in…law； and tried to imagine how he might
forgive her。 But as soon as the thought of 〃him〃 arose； there surged up in
his heart horror； disgust； and wounded pride。 He groaned aloud； and tried
to think of something else。
〃No； it is impossible； I will hand over the money to Peter to give her
monthly。 And as for me； I have no longer a daughter。〃
And again a curious feeling overpowered him： a mixture of self…pity
at the recollection of his love for her； and of fury against her for causing
him this anguish。
II
DURING the last year Lisa had without doubt lived through more than
in all the preceding twenty…five。 Suddenly she had realised the emptiness
of her whole life。 It rose before her； base and sordid this life at home
and among the rich set in St。 Petersburg this animal existence that never
sounded the depths； but only touched the shallows of life。
It was well enough for a year or two； or perhaps even three。 But when
it went on for seven or eight years； with its parties； balls； concerts； and
suppers； with its costumes and coiffures to display the charms of the body；
with its adorers old and young； all alike seemingly possessed of some
unaccountable right to have everything； to laugh at everything； and with
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its summer months spent in the same way； everything yielding but a
superficial pleasure； even music and reading merely touching upon life's
problems； but never solving themall this holding out no promise of
change； and losing its charm more and moreshe began to despair。 She
had desperate moods when she longed to die。
Her friends directed her thoughts to charity。 On the one hand； she saw
poverty which was real and repulsive； and a sham poverty even more
repulsive and pitiable； on the other； she saw the terrible indifference of the
lady patronesses who came in carriages and gowns worth thousands。 Life
became to her more and more unbearable。 She yearned for something
real； for life itselfnot this playing at living； not this skimming life of its
cream。 Of real life there was none。 The best of her memories was her
love for the little cadet Koko。 That had been a good； honest； straight…
forward impulse； and now there was nothing like it。 There could not be。
She grew more and more depressed； and in this gloomy mood she went to
visit an aunt in Finland。 The fresh scenery and surroundings； the people
strangely different to her own； appealed to her at any rate as a new
experience。
How and when it all began she could not clearly remember。 Her aunt
had another guest； a Swede。 He talked of his work； his people； the latest
Swedish novel。 Somehow； she herself did not know how that terrible
fascination of glances and smiles began； the meaning of which cannot be
put into words。
These smiles and glances seemed to reveal to each； not only the soul
of the other； but some vital and universal mystery。 Every word they
spoke was invested by these smiles with a profound and wonderful
significance。 Music； too； when they were listening together； or when they
sang duets； became full of the same deep meaning。 So； also； the words in
the books they read aloud。 Sometimes they would argue； but the moment
their eyes met； or a smile flashed between them； the discussion remained
far behind。 They soared beyond it to some higher plane consecrated to
themselves。
How it had come about； how and when the devil； who had seized hold
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of them both； first appeared behind these smiles and glances； she could not
say。 But； when terror first seized her； the invisible threads that bound them
were already so interwoven that she had no power to tear herself free。 She
could only count on him and on his honour。 She hoped that he would not
make use of his power； yet all the while she vaguely desired it。
Her weakness was the greater； because she had nothing to support her
in the struggle。 She was weary of society life and she had no affection
for her mother。 Her father； so she thought； had cast her away from him；
and she longed passionately to live and to have done with play。 Love； the
perfect love of a woman for a man； held the promise of life for her。 Her
strong； passionate nature； too； was dragging her thither。 In the tall； strong
figure of this man； with his fair hair and light upturned moustache； under
which shone a smile attractive and compelling； she saw the promise of that
life for which she longed。 And then the smiles and glances； the hope of
something so incredibly beautiful； led； as they were bound to lead； to that
which she feared but unconsciously awaited。
Suddenly all that was beautiful； joyous； spiritual； and full of promise
for the future； became animal and sordid； sad and despairing。
She looked into his eyes and tried to smile； pretending that she feared
nothing； that everything was as it should be； but deep down in her soul she
knew it was all over。 She understood that she had not found in him what
she had sought； that which she had once known in herself and in Koko。
She told him that he must write to her father asking her hand in marriage。
This he promised to do； but when she met him next he said it was
impossible for him to write just then。 She saw something vague and
furtive in his eyes； and her distrust of him grew。 The following day he
wrote to her； telling her that he was already married； though his wife had
left him long since； that he knew she would despise him for the wrong he
had done her； and implored her forgiveness。 She made him come to see
her。 She said she loved him； that she felt herself bound to him for ever
whether he was married or not； and would never leave him。 The next time
they met he told her that he and his parents were so poor that he could
only offer her the meanest existence。 She answered that she needed
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nothing； and was ready to go with him at once wherever he wished。 He
endeavoured to dissuade her； advising her to wait； and so she waited。 But
to live on with this secret； with occasional meetings； and merely
corresponding with him； all hidden from her family； was agonising； and
she insisted again that he must take her away。 At first； when she returned
to St。 Petersburg； be wrote promising to come； and then letters ceased and
she knew no more of him。
She tried to lead her old life； but it was impossible。 She fell ill； and the
efforts of the doctors were unavailing； in her hopelessness she resolved to
kill herself。 But how was she to do this； so that her death might seem
natural？ She really desired to take her life； and imagined that she had
irrevocably decided on the step。 So； obtaining some poison； she poured
it into a glass； and in another instant would have drunk it； had not her
sister's little son of five at that very moment run in to show her a toy his
grandmother had given him。 She caressed the child； and； sudden
