poor miss finch-第51节

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beg　your　pardon　for　anything　that　I　may　have　said　or　done　to　offend　you。
I　cannot　submit　to　your　hard　verdict　on　me。　If　you　knew　how　I　adore
Lucilla；　you　would　make　allowances　for　meyou　would　understand　me　better
than　you　do。　I　cannot　get　your　last　cruel　words　out　of　my　ears。　I　cannot
meet　you　again　without　some　explanation　of　them。　You　stabbed　me　to　the
heart；　when　you　said　to　me　this　evening　that　it　would　be　a　happier
prospect　for　Lucilla　if　she　had　been　going　to　marry　my　brother　instead　of
marrying　me。　I　hope　you　did　not　really　mean　that？　Will　you　please　write
and　tell　me　whether　you　did　or　not？

〃OSCAR。〃

Write　and　tell　him？　It　was　absurd　enoughwhen　we　were　within　a　few
minutes'　walk　of　each　otherthat　Oscar　should　prefer　the　cold　formality
of　a　letter；　to　the　friendly　ease　of　a　personal　interview。　Why　could　he
not　have　called；　and　spoken　to　me？　We　should　have　made　it　up　together　far
more　comfortably　in　that　wayand　in　half　the　time。　At　any　rate；　I
determined　to　go　to　Browndown；　and　be　good　friends　again；　viva^…voce；
with　this　poor；　weak；　well…meaning；　ill…judging　boy。　Was　it　not　monstrous
to　have　attached　serious　meaning　to　what　Oscar　had　said　when　he　was　in　a
panic　of　nervous　terror！　His　tone　of　writing　so　keenly　distressed　me　that
I　resented　his　letter　on　that　very　account。　It　was　one　of　the　chilly
evenings　of　an　English　June。　A　small　fire　was　burning　in　the　grate。　I
crumpled　up　the　letter；　and　threw　it；　as　I　supposed；　into　the　fire。
（After…events　showed　that　I　only　threw　it　into　a　corner　of　the　fender
instead。）　Then；　I　put　on　my　hat；　without　stopping　to　think　of　Lucilla；　or
of　what　she　was　writing　for　the　post；　and　ran　off　to　Browndown。

Where　do　you　think　I　found　him？　Locked　up　in　his　own　room！　His　insane
shynessit　was　really　nothing　lessmade　him　shrink　from　that　very
personal　explanation　which　（with　such　a　temperament　as　mine）　was　the　only
possible　explanation　under　the　circumstances。　I　had　to　threaten　him　with
forcing　his　door；　before　I　could　get　him　to　show　himself；　and　take　my
hand。

Once　face　to　face　with　him；　I　soon　set　things　right。　I　really　believe　he
had　been　half　mad　with　his　own　self…imposed　troubles；　when　he　had
declared　he　would　give　me　the　lie　at　the　door　of　Lucilla's　room。

It　is　needless　to　dwell　on　what　took　place　between　us。　I　shall　only　say
here　that　I　had　serious　reason；　at　a　later　timeas　you　will　soon　seeto
regret　not　having　humoured　Oscar's　request　that　I　should　reconcile　myself
to　him　by　writing；　instead　of　by　word　of　mouth。　If　I　had　only　placed　on
record；　in　pen　and　ink；　what　I　actually　said　in　the　way　of　making
atonement　to　him；　I　might　have　spared　some　suffering　to　myself　and　to
others。　As　it　was；　the　only　proof　that　I　had　absolved　myself　in　his
estimation　consisted　in　his　cordially　shaking　hands　with　me　at　the　door；
when　I　left　him。

〃Did　you　meet　Nugent？〃　he　asked；　as　he　walked　with　me　across　the
enclosure　in　front　of　the　house。

I　had　gone　to　Browndown　by　a　short　cut　at　the　back　of　the　garden；　instead
of　going　through　the　village。　Having　mentioned　this；　I　asked　if　Nugent
had　returned　to　the　rectory。

〃He　went　back　to　see　you；〃　said　Oscar。

〃Why？〃

〃Only　his　usual　kindness。　He　takes　your　views　of　things。　He　laughed　when
he　heard　I　had　sent　a　letter　to　you；　and　he　ran　off　（dear　fellow！）　to　see
you　on　my　behalf。　You　must　have　met　him；　if　you　had　come　here　by　the
village。〃

On　getting　back　to　the　rectory；　I　questioned　Zillah。　Nugent；　in　my
absence；　had　run　up　into　the　sitting…room；　had　waited　there　a　few　minutes
alone；　on　the　chance　of　my　return；　had　got　tired　of　waiting；　and　had　gone
away　again。　I　inquired　about　Lucilla　next。　A　few　minutes　after　Nugent　had
gone；　she　had　left　her　room；　and　she　too　had　asked　for　me。　Hearing　that　I
was　not　to　be　found　in　the　house；　she　had　given　Zillah　a　letter　to
postand　had　then　returned　to　her　bed…chamber。

I　happened　to　be　standing　by　the　hearth；　looking　into　the　dying　fire；
while　the　nurse　was　speaking。　Not　a　vestige　of　Oscar's　letter　to　me　（as　I
now　well　remember）　was　to　be　seen。　In　my　position；　the　plain　conclusion
was　that　I　had　really　done　what　I　supposed　myself　to　have　donethat　is
to　say；　thrown　the　letter　into　the　flames。

Entering　Lucilla's　room；　soon　afterwards；　to　make　my　apologies　for　having
forgotten　to　wait　and　take　her　letter　to　the　post；　I　found　her；　weary
enough　after　the　events　of　the　day；　getting　ready　for　bed。

〃I　don't　wonder　at　your　being　tired　of　waiting　for　me；〃　she　said。
〃Writing　is　long；　long　work　for　me。　But　this　was　a　letter　which　I　felt
bound　to　write　myself；　if　I　could。　Can　you　guess　who　I　am　corresponding
with？　It　is　done；　my　dear！　I　have　written　to　Herr　Grosse！〃

〃Already！〃

〃What　is　there　to　wait　for？　What　is　there　left　to　determine　on？　I　have
told　Herr　Grosse　that　our　family　consultation　is　over；　and　that　I　am
entirely　at　his　disposal　for　any　length　of　time　he　may　think　right。　And　I
warn　him；　if　he　attempts　to　put　it　off；　that　he　will　be　only　forcing　on
me　the　inconvenience　of　going　to　him　in　London。　I　have　expressed　that
part　of　my　letter　stronglyI　can　tell　you！　He　will　get　it　to…morrow；　by
the　afternoon　post。　And　the　next　dayif　he　is　a　man　of　his　wordhe　will
be　here。〃

〃Oh；　Lucilla！　not　to　operate　on　your　eyes？〃

〃Yesto　operate　on　my　eyes！〃


CHAPTER　THE　THIRTY…THIRD

The　Day　Between

THE　interval…day　before　the　second　appearance　of　Herr　Grosse；　and　the
experiment　on　Lucilla's　sight　that　was　to　follow　it；　was　marked　by　two
incidents　which　ought　to　be　noticed　in　this　place。

The　first　incident　was　the　arrival；　early　in　the　morning；　of　another
letter　addressed　to　me　privately　by　Oscar　Dubourg。　Like　many　other　shy
people；　he　had　a　perfect　mania；　where　any　embarrassing　circumstances　were
concerned；　for　explaining　himself；　with　difficulty；　by　means　of　his　pen；
in　preference　to　explaining　himself；　with　ease；　by　means　of　his　tongue。

Oscar's　present　communication　informed　me　that　he　had　left　us　for　London
by　the　first　morning　train；　and　that　his　object　in　taking　this　sudden
journey　wasto　state　his　present　position　towards　Lucilla　to　a　gentleman
especially　conversant　with　the　peculiarities　of　blind　people。　In　plain
words；　he　had　resolved　on　applying　to　Mr。　Sebright　for　advice。

〃I　like　Mr。　Sebright〃　（Oscar　wrote）　〃as　cordially　as　I　detest　Herr
Grosse。　The　short　conversation　I　had　with　him　has　left　me　with　the
pleasantest　impression　of　his　delicacy　and　his　kindness。　If　I　freely
reveal　to　this　skillful　surgeon　the　sad　situation　in　which　I　am　placed；　I
believe　his　experience　will　throw　an　entirely　new　light　on　the　present
state　of　Lucilla's　mind；　and　on　the　changes　which　we　may　expect　to　see
produced　in　her；　if　she　really　does　recover　her　sight。　The　result　may　be
of　incalculable　benefit　in　teaching　me　how　I　may　own　the　truth；　most
harmlessly　to　her；　as　well　as　to　myself。　Pray　don't　suppose　I　undervalue
your　advice。　I　only　want　to　be　doubly　fortified；　before　I　risk　my
confession；　by　the　advice　of　a　scientific　man。〃

All　this　I　took　to　mean；　in　plain　English；　that　vacillating　Oscar　wanted
to　quiet　his　conscience　by　gaining　time；　and　that　his　absurd　idea　of
consulting　Mr。　Sebright　was　nothing　less　than　a　new　and　plausible　excuse
for　putting　off　the　evil　day。　His　letter　ended　by　pledging　me　to　secrecy；
and　by　entreating　me　so　to　manage　matters　as　to　grant　him　a　private
interview　on　his　return　to　Dimchurch　by　the　evening　train。

I　confess　I　felt　some　curiosity　as　to　what　would　come　of　the　proposed
consultation　between　unready　Oscar　and　precise　Mr。　Sebrightand　I
accordingly　arranged　to　take　my　walk　alone；　towards　eight　o'clock　that
evening；　on　the　road　that　led　to　the　distant　railway　station。



The　second　incident　of　the　day　may　be　described　as　a　confidential
conversation　between　Lucilla　and　myself；　on　the　subject　which　now　equally
absorbed　us　boththe　momentous　subject　of　her　restoration　to　the
blessing　of　sight。

She　joined　me　at　the　breakfast…table　with　her　ready　distrust　newly
excited；　poor　thing；　by　Oscar。　He　had　accounted　to　her　for　his　journey　to
London　by　putting　forward　the　commonplace　excuse　of　〃business。〃　She
instantly　suspected　（knowing　how　he　felt　about　it）　that　he　was　secretly
bent　on　interfering　with　the　performance　of　the　operation　by　Herr　Grosse。
I　contrived　to　compose　the　anxiety　thus　aroused　in　her　mind；　by　informing
her；　on　Oscar's　own　authority；　that　he　personally　disliked　and　distrusted
the　German　oculist。　〃Make　your　mind　easy；〃　I　said。　〃I　answer　for　his　not
venturing　near　Herr　Grosse。〃

A　long　silence　between　us　followed　those　words。　When　Lucilla　next
referred　to　Oscar　in　connection　with　the　coming　operation；　the　depressed
state　of　her　spirits　seemed　to　have　quite　altered　her　view　of　her　own
prospects。　She；　of　all　the　people　in　the　world；　now　spoke　in
disparagement　of　the　blessing　conferred　on　the　blind　by　the　recovery　of
their　sight！

〃Do　you　know　one　thing？〃　she　said。　〃If　I　had　not　been　going　to　be　married
to　Oscar；　I　doubt　if　I　should　have　cared　to　put　any　oculist；　native　or
foreign；　to　the　trouble　of　coming　to　Dimchurch。〃

〃I　don't　think　I　understand　you；〃　I　answered。　〃You　cannot　surely　mean　to
say　that　you　would　not　have　been　glad；　under　any　circumstanc