three men in a boat-第4节

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his　views　to　you。　　And　you　follow　each　other　round　and　round；　swearing　at　

one　another；　until　the　tent　tumbles　down　in　a　heap；　and　leaves　you　

looking　at　each　other　across　its　ruins；　when　you　both　indignantly　

exclaim；　in　the　same　breath：



〃There　you　are！　what　did　I　tell　you？〃



Meanwhile　the　third　man；　who　has　been　baling　out　the　boat；　and　who　has　

spilled　the　water　down　his　sleeve；　and　has　been　cursing　away　to　himself　

steadily　for　the　last　ten　minutes；　wants　to　know　what　the　thundering　

blazes　you're　playing　at；　and　why　the　blarmed　tent　isn't　up　yet。



At　last；　somehow　or　other；　it　does　get　up；　and　you　land　the　things。　　It　

is　hopeless　attempting　to　make　a　wood　fire；　so　you　light　the　methylated　

spirit　stove；　and　crowd　round　that。



Rainwater　is　the　chief　article　of　diet　at　supper。　　The　bread　is　two…

thirds　rainwater；　the　beefsteak…pie　is　exceedingly　rich　in　it；　and　the　

jam；　and　the　butter；　and　the　salt；　and　the　coffee　have　all　combined　with　

it　to　make　soup。



After　supper；　you　find　your　tobacco　is　damp；　and　you　cannot　smoke。　　

Luckily　you　have　a　bottle　of　the　stuff　that　cheers　and　inebriates；　if　

taken　in　proper　quantity；　and　this　restores　to　you　sufficient　interest　in　

life　to　induce　you　to　go　to　bed。



There　you　dream　that　an　elephant　has　suddenly　sat　down　on　your　chest；　and　

that　the　volcano　has　exploded　and　thrown　you　down　to　the　bottom　of　the　

sea　…　the　elephant　still　sleeping　peacefully　on　your　bosom。　　You　wake　up　

and　grasp　the　idea　that　something　terrible　really　has　happened。　　Your　

first　impression　is　that　the　end　of　the　world　has　come；　and　then　you　

think　that　this　cannot　be；　and　that　it　is　thieves　and　murderers；　or　else　

fire；　and　this　opinion　you　express　in　the　usual　method。　　No　help　comes；　

however；　and　all　you　know　is　that　thousands　of　people　are　kicking　you；　

and　you　are　being　smothered。



Somebody　else　seems　in　trouble；　too。　　You　can　hear　his　faint　cries　coming　

from　underneath　your　bed。　　Determining；　at　all　events；　to　sell　your　life　

dearly；　you　struggle　frantically；　hitting　out　right　and　left　with　arms　

and　legs；　and　yelling　lustily　the　while；　and　at　last　something　gives　way；　

and　you　find　your　head　in　the　fresh　air。　　Two　feet　off；　you　dimly　observe　

a　half…dressed　ruffian；　waiting　to　kill　you；　and　you　are　preparing　for　a　

life…and…death　struggle　with　him；　when　it　begins　to　dawn　upon　you　that　

it's　Jim。



〃Oh；　it's　you；　is　it？〃　he　says；　recognising　you　at　the　same　moment。



〃Yes；〃　you　answer；　rubbing　your　eyes；　〃what's　happened？〃



〃Bally　tent's　blown　down；　I　think；〃　he　says。



〃Where's　Bill？〃



Then　you　both　raise　up　your　voices　and　shout　for　〃Bill！〃　and　the　ground　

beneath　you　heaves　and　rocks；　and　the　muffled　voice　that　you　heard　before　

replies　from　out　the　ruin：



〃Get　off　my　head；　can't　you？〃



And　Bill　struggles　out；　a　muddy；　trampled　wreck；　and　in　an　unnecessarily　

aggressive　mood　…　he　being　under　the　evident　belief　that　the　whole　thing　

has　been　done　on　purpose。



In　the　morning　you　are　all　three　speechless；　owing　to　having　caught　

severe　colds　in　the　night；　you　also　feel　very　quarrelsome；　and　you　swear　

at　each　other　in　hoarse　whispers　during　the　whole　of　breakfast　time。



We　therefore　decided　that　we　would　sleep　out　on　fine　nights；　and　hotel　

it；　and　inn　it；　and　pub。　it；　like　respectable　folks；　when　it　was　wet；　or　

when　we　felt　inclined　for　a　change。



Montmorency　hailed　this　compromise　with　much　approval。　　He　does　not　revel　

in　romantic　solitude。　　Give　him　something　noisy；　and　if　a　trifle　low；　so　

much　the　jollier。　　To　look　at　Montmorency　you　would　imagine　that　he　was　

an　angel　sent　upon　the　earth；　for　some　reason　withheld　from　mankind；　in　

the　shape　of　a　small　fox…terrier。　　There　is　a　sort　of　Oh…what…a…wicked…

world…this…is…and…how…I…wish…I…could…do…something…to…make…it…better…and…

nobler　expression　about　Montmorency　that　has　been　known　to　bring　the　

tears　into　the　eyes　of　pious　old　ladies　and　gentlemen。



When　first　he　came　to　live　at　my　expense；　I　never　thought　I　should　be　

able　to　get　him　to　stop　long。　　I　used　to　sit　down　and　look　at　him；　as　he　

sat　on　the　rug　and　looked　up　at　me；　and　think：　〃Oh；　that　dog　will　never　

live。　　He　will　be　snatched　up　to　the　bright　skies　in　a　chariot；　that　is　

what　will　happen　to　him。〃



But；　when　I　had　paid　for　about　a　dozen　chickens　that　he　had　killed；　and　

had　dragged　him；　growling　and　kicking；　by　the　scruff　of　his　neck；　out　of　

a　hundred　and　fourteen　street　fights；　and　had　had　a　dead　cat　brought　

round　for　my　inspection　by　an　irate　female；　who　called　me　a　murderer；　and　

had　been　summoned　by　the　man　next　door　but　one　for　having　a　ferocious　dog　

at　large；　that　had　kept　him　pinned　up　in　his　own　tool…shed；　afraid　to　

venture　his　nose　outside　the　door　for　over　two　hours　on　a　cold　night；　and　

had　learned　that　the　gardener；　unknown　to　myself；　had　won　thirty　

shillings　by　backing　him　to　kill　rats　against　time；　then　I　began　to　think　

that　maybe　they'd　let　him　remain　on　earth　for　a　bit　longer；　after　all。



To　hang　about　a　stable；　and　collect　a　gang　of　the　most　disreputable　dogs　

to　be　found　in　the　town；　and　lead　them　out　to　march　round　the　slums　to　

fight　other　disreputable　dogs；　is　Montmorency's　idea　of　〃life；〃　and　so；　

as　I　before　observed；　he　gave　to　the　suggestion　of　inns；　and　pubs。；　and　

hotels　his　most　emphatic　approbation。



Having　thus　settled　the　sleeping　arrangements　to　the　satisfaction　of　all　

four　of　us；　the　only　thing　left　to　discuss　was　what　we　should　take　with　

us；　and　this　we　had　begun　to　argue；　when　Harris　said　he'd　had　enough　

oratory　for　one　night；　and　proposed　that　we　should　go　out　and　have　a　

smile；　saying　that　he　had　found　a　place；　round　by　the　square；　where　you　

could　really　get　a　drop　of　Irish　worth　drinking。



George　said　he　felt　thirsty　（I　never　knew　George　when　he　didn't）；　and；　as　

I　had　a　presentiment　that　a　little　whisky；　warm；　with　a　slice　of　lemon；　

would　do　my　complaint　good；　the　debate　was；　by　common　assent；　adjourned　

to　the　following　night；　and　the　assembly　put　on　its　hats　and　went　out。









CHAPTER　III。





ARRANGEMENTS　SETTLED。　…　HARRIS'S　METHOD　OF　DOING　WORK。　…　HOW　THE　ELDERLY；　

FAMILY…MAN　PUTS　UP　A　PICTURE。　…　GEORGE　MAKES　A　SENSIBLE；　REMARK。　…　

DELIGHTS　OF　EARLY　MORNING　BATHING。　…　PROVISIONS　FOR　GETTING　UPSET。



SO；　on　the　following　evening；　we　again　assembled；　to　discuss　and　arrange　

our　plans。　　Harris　said：



〃Now；　the　first　thing　to　settle　is　what　to　take　with　us。　　Now；　you　get　a　

bit　of　paper　and　write　down；　J。；　and　you　get　the　grocery　catalogue；　

George；　and　somebody　give　me　a　bit　of　pencil；　and　then　I'll　make　out　a　

list。〃



That's　Harris　all　over　…　so　ready　to　take　the　burden　of　everything　

himself；　and　put　it　on　the　backs　of　other　people。



He　always　reminds　me　of　my　poor　Uncle　Podger。　　You　never　saw　such　a　

commotion　up　and　down　a　house；　in　all　your　life；　as　when　my　Uncle　Podger　

undertook　to　do　a　job。　　A　picture　would　have　come　home　from　the　frame…

maker's；　and　be　standing　in　the　dining…room；　waiting　to　be　put　up；　and　

Aunt　Podger　would　ask　what　was　to　be　done　with　it；　and　Uncle　Podger　would　

say：



〃Oh；　you　leave　that　to　ME。　　Don't　you；　any　of　you；　worry　yourselves　about　

that。　　I'LL　do　all　that。〃



And　then　he　would　take　off　his　coat；　and　begin。　　He　would　send　the　girl　

out　for　sixpen'orth　of　nails；　and　then　one　of　the　boys　after　her　to　tell　

her　what　size　to　get；　and；　from　that；　he　would　gradually　work　down；　and　

start　the　whole　house。



〃Now　you　go　and　get　me　my　hammer；　Will；〃　he　would　shout；　〃and　you　bring　

me　the　rule；　Tom；　and　I　shall　want　the　step…ladder；　and　I　had　better　have　

a　kitchen…chair；　too；　and；　Jim！　you　run　round　to　Mr。　Goggles；　and　tell　

him；　‘Pa's　kind　regards；　and　hopes　his　leg's　better；　and　will　he　lend　him　

his　spirit…level？'　　And　don't　you　go；　Maria；　because　I　shall　want　

somebody　to　hold　me　the　light；　and　when　the　girl　comes　back；　she　must　go　

out　again　for　a　bit　of　picture…cord；　and　Tom！　…　where's　Tom？　…　Tom；　you　

come　here；　I　shall　want　you　to　hand　me　up　the　picture。〃



And　then　he　would　lift　up　the　picture；　and　drop　it；　and　it　would　come　out　

of　the　frame；　and　he　would　try　to　save　the　glass；　and　cut　himself；　and　

then　he　would　spring　round　the　room；　looking　for　his　handkerchief。　　He　

could　not　find　his　handkerchief；　because　it　was　in　the　pocket　of　the　coat　

he　had　taken　off；　and　he　did　not　know　where　he　had　put　the　coat；　and　all　

the　house　had　to　leave　off　looking　for　his　tools；　and　start　looking　for　

his　coat；　while　he　would　dance　round　and　hinder　them。



〃Doesn't　anybody　in　the　whole　house　know　where　my　coat　is？　　I　never　came　

across　such　a　set　in　all　my　life　…　upon　my　word　I　didn't。　　Six　of　you！　…　

and　you　can't　find　a　coat　that　I　put　down　not　five　minutes　ago！　　Well；　of　

all　the　…　〃



Then　he'd　get　up；　and　find　that　he　had　been　sitting　on　it；　and　would　call　

out：



〃Oh；　you　can　give　it　up！　　I've　found　it　myself