three men in a boat-第15节

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to　work　for　my　living。　　Why　can't　he　work。　　What　use　is　he　there；　and　

what's　the　good　of　their　banks？　　They　take　your　money；　and　then；　when　you　

draw　a　cheque；　they　send　it　back　smeared　all　over　with　‘No　effects；'　

‘Refer　to　drawer。'　　What's　the　good　of　that？　　That's　the　sort　of　trick　

they　served　me　twice　last　week。　　I'm　not　going　to　stand　it　much　longer。　　

I　shall　withdraw　my　account。　　If　he　was　here；　we　could　go　and　see　that　

tomb。　　I　don't　believe　he's　at　the　bank　at　all。　　He's　larking　about　

somewhere；　that's　what　he's　doing；　leaving　us　to　do　all　the　work。　　I'm　

going　to　get　out；　and　have　a　drink。〃



I　pointed　out　to　him　that　we　were　miles　away　from　a　pub。；　and　then　he　

went　on　about　the　river；　and　what　was　the　good　of　the　river；　and　was　

everyone　who　came　on　the　river　to　die　of　thirst？



It　is　always　best　to　let　Harris　have　his　head　when　he　gets　like　this。　　

Then　he　pumps　himself　out；　and　is　quiet　afterwards。



I　reminded　him　that　there　was　concentrated　lemonade　in　the　hamper；　and　a　

gallon…jar　of　water　in　the　nose　of　the　boat；　and　that　the　two　only　wanted　

mixing　to　make　a　cool　and　refreshing　beverage。



Then　he　flew　off　about　lemonade；　and　〃such…like　Sunday…school　slops；〃　as　

he　termed　them；　ginger…beer；　raspberry　syrup；　&c。；　&c。　　He　said　they　all　

produced　dyspepsia；　and　ruined　body　and　soul　alike；　and　were　the　cause　of　

half　the　crime　in　England。



He　said　he　must　drink　something；　however；　and　climbed　upon　the　seat；　and　

leant　over　to　get　the　bottle。　　It　was　right　at　the　bottom　of　the　hamper；　

and　seemed　difficult　to　find；　and　he　had　to　lean　over　further　and　

further；　and；　in　trying　to　steer　at　the　same　time；　from　a　topsy…turvy　

point　of　view；　he　pulled　the　wrong　line；　and　sent　the　boat　into　the　bank；　

and　the　shock　upset　him；　and　he　dived　down　right　into　the　hamper；　and　

stood　there　on　his　head；　holding　on　to　the　sides　of　the　boat　like　grim　

death；　his　legs　sticking　up　into　the　air。　　He　dared　not　move　for　fear　of　

going　over；　and　had　to　stay　there　till　I　could　get　hold　of　his　legs；　and　

haul　him　back；　and　that　made　him　madder　than　ever。









CHAPTER　VIII。





BLACKMAILING。　…　THE　PROPER　COURSE　TO　PURSUE。　…　SELFISH　BOORISHNESS　OF　

RIVER…SIDE　LANDOWNER。　…　〃NOTICE〃　BOARDS。　…　UNCHRISTIANLIKE　FEELINGS　OF　

HARRIS。　…　HOW　HARRIS　SINGS　A　COMIC　SONG。　…　A　HIGH…CLASS　PARTY。　…　SHAMEFUL　

CONDUCT　OF　TWO　ABANDONED　YOUNG　MEN。　…　SOME　USELESS　INFORMATION。　…　GEORGE　

BUYS　A　BANJO。



WE　stopped　under　the　willows　by　Kempton　Park；　and　lunched。　　It　is　a　

pretty　little　spot　there：　a　pleasant　grass　plateau；　running　along　by　the　

water's　edge；　and　overhung　by　willows。　　We　had　just　commenced　the　third　

course　…　the　bread　and　jam　…　when　a　gentleman　in　shirt…sleeves　and　a　

short　pipe　came　along；　and　wanted　to　know　if　we　knew　that　we　were　

trespassing。　　We　said　we　hadn't　given　the　matter　sufficient　consideration　

as　yet　to　enable　us　to　arrive　at　a　definite　conclusion　on　that　point；　but　

that；　if　he　assured　us　on　his　word　as　a　gentleman　that　we　WERE　

trespassing；　we　would；　without　further　hesitation；　believe　it。



He　gave　us　the　required　assurance；　and　we　thanked　him；　but　he　still　hung　

about；　and　seemed　to　be　dissatisfied；　so　we　asked　him　if　there　was　

anything　further　that　we　could　do　for　him；　and　Harris；　who　is　of　a　chummy　

disposition；　offered　him　a　bit　of　bread　and　jam。



I　fancy　he　must　have　belonged　to　some　society　sworn　to　abstain　from　bread　

and　jam；　for　he　declined　it　quite　gruffly；　as　if　he　were　vexed　at　being　

tempted　with　it；　and　he　added　that　it　was　his　duty　to　turn　us　off。



Harris　said　that　if　it　was　a　duty　it　ought　to　be　done；　and　asked　the　man　

what　was　his　idea　with　regard　to　the　best　means　for　accomplishing　it。　　

Harris　is　what　you　would　call　a　well…made　man　of　about　number　one　size；　

and　looks　hard　and　bony；　and　the　man　measured　him　up　and　down；　and　said　

he　would　go　and　consult　his　master；　and　then　come　back　and　chuck　us　both　

into　the　river。



Of　course；　we　never　saw　him　any　more；　and；　of　course；　all　he　really　

wanted　was　a　shilling。　　There　are　a　certain　number　of　riverside　roughs　

who　make　quite　an　income；　during　the　summer；　by　slouching　about　the　banks　

and　blackmailing　weak…minded　noodles　in　this　way。　　They　represent　

themselves　as　sent　by　the　proprietor。　　The　proper　course　to　pursue　is　to　

offer　your　name　and　address；　and　leave　the　owner；　if　he　really　has　

anything　to　do　with　the　matter；　to　summon　you；　and　prove　what　damage　you　

have　done　to　his　land　by　sitting　down　on　a　bit　of　it。　　But　the　majority　

of　people　are　so　intensely　lazy　and　timid；　that　they　prefer　to　encourage　

the　imposition　by　giving　in　to　it　rather　than　put　an　end　to　it　by　the　

exertion　of　a　little　firmness。



Where　it　is　really　the　owners　that　are　to　blame；　they　ought　to　be　shown　

up。　　The　selfishness　of　the　riparian　proprietor　grows　with　every　year。　　

If　these　men　had　their　way　they　would　close　the　river　Thames　altogether。　　

They　actually　do　this　along　the　minor　tributary　streams　and　in　the　

backwaters。　　They　drive　posts　into　the　bed　of　the　stream；　and　draw　chains　

across　from　bank　to　bank；　and　nail　huge　notice…boards　on　every　tree。　　The　

sight　of　those　notice…boards　rouses　every　evil　instinct　in　my　nature。　　I　

feel　I　want　to　tear　each　one　down；　and　hammer　it　over　the　head　of　the　man　

who　put　it　up；　until　I　have　killed　him；　and　then　I　would　bury　him；　and　

put　the　board　up　over　the　grave　as　a　tombstone。



I　mentioned　these　feelings　of　mine　to　Harris；　and　he　said　he　had　them　

worse　than　that。　　He　said　he　not　only　felt　he　wanted　to　kill　the　man　who　

caused　the　board　to　be　put　up；　but　that　he　should　like　to　slaughter　the　

whole　of　his　family　and　all　his　friends　and　relations；　and　then　burn　down　

his　house。　　This　seemed　to　me　to　be　going　too　far；　and　I　said　so　to　

Harris；　but　he　answered：



〃Not　a　bit　of　it。　　Serve　‘em　all　jolly　well　right；　and　I'd　go　and　sing　

comic　songs　on　the　ruins。〃



I　was　vexed　to　hear　Harris　go　on　in　this　blood…thirsty　strain。　　We　never　

ought　to　allow　our　instincts　of　justice　to　degenerate　into　mere　

vindictiveness。　　It　was　a　long　while　before　I　could　get　Harris　to　take　a　

more　Christian　view　of　the　subject；　but　I　succeeded　at　last；　and　he　

promised　me　that　he　would　spare　the　friends　and　relations　at　all　events；　

and　would　not　sing　comic　songs　on　the　ruins。



You　have　never　heard　Harris　sing　a　comic　song；　or　you　would　understand　

the　service　I　had　rendered　to　mankind。　　It　is　one　of　Harris's　fixed　ideas　

that　he　CAN　sing　a　comic　song；　the　fixed　idea；　on　the　contrary；　among　

those　of　Harris's　friends　who　have　heard　him　try；　is　that　he　CAN'T　and　

never　will　be　able　to；　and　that　he　ought　not　to　be　allowed　to　try。



When　Harris　is　at　a　party；　and　is　asked　to　sing；　he　replies：　〃Well；　I　can　

only　sing　a　COMIC　song；　you　know；〃　and　he　says　it　in　a　tone　that　implies　

that　his　singing　of　THAT；　however；　is　a　thing　that　you　ought　to　hear　

once；　and　then　die。



〃Oh；　that　IS　nice；〃　says　the　hostess。　　〃Do　sing　one；　Mr。　Harris；〃　and　

Harris　gets　up；　and　makes　for　the　piano；　with　the　beaming　cheeriness　of　a　

generous…minded　man　who　is　just　about　to　give　somebody　something。



〃Now；　silence；　please；　everybody〃　says　the　hostess；　turning　round；　〃Mr。　

Harris　is　going　to　sing　a　comic　song！〃



〃Oh；　how　jolly！〃　they　murmur；　and　they　hurry　in　from　the　conservatory；　

and　come　up　from　the　stairs；　and　go　and　fetch　each　other　from　all　over　

the　house；　and　crowd　into　the　drawing…room；　and　sit　round；　all　smirking　

in　anticipation。



Then　Harris　begins。



Well；　you　don't　look　for　much　of　a　voice　in　a　comic　song。　　You　don't　

expect　correct　phrasing　or　vocalization。　　You　don't　mind　if　a　man　does　

find　out；　when　in　the　middle　of　a　note；　that　he　is　too　high；　and　comes　

down　with　a　jerk。　　You　don't　bother　about　time。　　You　don't　mind　a　man　

being　two　bars　in　front　of　the　accompaniment；　and　easing　up　in　the　middle　

of　a　line　to　argue　it　out　with　the　pianist；　and　then　starting　the　verse　

afresh。　　But　you　do　expect　the　words。



You　don't　expect　a　man　to　never　remember　more　than　the　first　three　lines　

of　the　first　verse；　and　to　keep　on　repeating　these　until　it　is　time　to　

begin　the　chorus。　　You　don't　expect　a　man　to　break　off　in　the　middle　of　a　

line；　and　snigger；　and　say；　it's　very　funny；　but　he's　blest　if　he　can　

think　of　the　rest　of　it；　and　then　try　and　make　it　up　for　himself；　and；　

afterwards；　suddenly　recollect　it；　when　he　has　got　to　an　entirely　

different　part　of　the　song；　and　break　off；　without　a　word　of　warning；　to　

go　back　and　let　you　have　it　then　and　there。　　You　don't　…　well；　I　will　

just　give　you　an　idea　of　Harris's　comic　singing；　and　then　you　can　judge　

of　it　for　yourself。



HARRIS　（STANDING　UP　IN　FRONT　OF　PIANO　AND　ADDRESSING　THE　EXPECTANT　MOB）：　

〃I'm　afraid　it's　a　very　old　thing；　you　know。　　I　expect　you　all　know　it；　

you　know。　　But　it's　the　only　thing　I　know。　　It's　the　Judge's　song　out　of　

PINAFORE　…　no；　I　don't　mean　PINAF