the choir invisible-第36节

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would　recall　my　father　to　him。　And　you　remember　that　one　of　my　brothers　was　a　favourite　young　officer　of　his。　I　should　like　you　to　hear　him　speak　of　them　both：　he　has　not　forgotten。　Ah！　My　father！　He　had　his　faults；　but　they　were　all　the　faults　of　a　gentleman。　And　the　faults　of　my　brothers　were　the　faults　of　gentlemen。　I　never　saw　my　mother；　but　I　know　how　genuine　she　was　by　the　books　she　liked　and　her　dresses　and　her　jewels；　and　the　manner　in　which　she　had　things　put　away　in　the　closets。　One's　childhood　is　everything！　　If　I　had　not　felt　I　was　all　there　was　in　the　world　to　speak　for　my　father　and　my　mother　and　my　brothers！　Ah；　sometimes　pride　is　the　greatest　of　virtues！〃

He　bowed　his　head　in　assent。

With　a　swift　transition　she　changed　her　voice　and　manner　and　the　conversation：　〃That　is　enough　about　me。　Have　you　thought　that　you　will　soon　be　talking　to　the　greatest　man　in　the　worldyou　who　love　ideals？〃

〃I　have　not　thought　of　it　lately。〃　〃You　will　think　of　it　soon！　　And　that　reminds　me：　why　did　you　go　away　as　you　did　the　last　time　you　were　herewhen　I　wanted　to　talk　with　you　about　the　book？〃

Her　eyes　questioned　him　imperiously。　〃I　cannot　tell　you：　that　is　one　of　the　things　you'd　better　not　wish　to　understand。

She　continued　to　look　at　him；　and　when　she　spoke；　her　voice　was　full　of　relief：　〃It　was　the　first　time　you　ever　did　anything　that　I　could　not　understand：　I　could　not　read　your　face　that　day。〃　〃Can　you　read　it　now？〃　he　asked；　smiling　at　her　sorrowfully。　〃Perfectly！〃

〃What　do　you　read？〃

〃Everything　that　I　have　always　liked　you　for　most。　Memories　are　a　great　deal　to　me。　Ah；　if　you　had　ever　done　anything　to　spoil　yours！〃　Do　you　think　that　if　I　loved　a　woman　she　would　know　it　by　looking　at　my　face？〃　〃You　would　tell　her：　that　is　your　nature。〃

〃Would　I？　Should　I？〃

〃Why　not？〃　There　was　silence。　〃Let　me　talk　to　you　about　the　book；〃　he　cried　suddenly。　He　closed　his　eyes　and　passed　one　hand　several　times　slowly　across　his　forehead；　then　facing　her　but　with　his　arm　resting　on　the　back　of　the　seat　and　his　eyes　shaded　by　his　hand　he　began：

〃You　were　right：　it　is　a　book　I　have　needed。　At　first　it　appeared　centuries　old　to　me　and　far　away：　the　greatest　gorgeous　picture　I　had　ever　seen　of　human　life　anywhere。　I　could　never　tell　you　of　the　regret　with　which　it　filled　me　not　to　have　lived　in　those　daysof　the　longing　to　have　been　at　Camelot　to　have　seen　the　King　and　to　have　served　him；　to　have　been　friends　with　the　best　of　the　Knights；　to　have　taken　their　vows；　to　have　gone　out　with　them　to　right　what　was　wrong；　to　wrong　nothing　that　was　right。〃

The　words　were　wrung　from　him　with　slow　terrible　effort；　as　though　he　were　forcing　himself　to　draw　nearer　and　nearer　some　spot　of　supreme　mental　struggle。　She　listened；　stilled；　as　she　had　never　been　by　any　words　of　his。　At　the　same　time　she　felt　stifledfelt　that　she　should　have　to　cry　outthat　he　could　be　so　deeply　moved　and　so　self…controlled。

More　slowly；　with　more　composure；　he　went　on。　He　was　still　turned　toward　her；　his　hand　shading　the　upper　part　of　his　face：

〃It　was　not　untilnot　untilafterwardsthat　I　got　something　more　out　of　it　than　all　thatgot　what　I　suppose　you　meant。　。　。　。　suppose　you　meant　that　the　whole　story　was　not　far　away　from　me　but　present　hereits　right　and　wrongits　temptation；　that　there　was　no　vow　a　man　could　take　then　that　a　man　must　not　take　now；　that　every　man　still　has　his　Camelot　and　his　King；　still　has　to　prove　his　courage　and　his　strength　to　all　men　。　。　。　and　that　after　he　has　proved　these；　he　hasas　his　last；　highest　act　of　service　in　the　world。　。　。　to　lay　them　all　down；　give　them　all　up；　for　the　sake　ofof　his　spirit。　You　meant　that　I　too；　in　my　life；　am　to　go　in　quest　of　the　Grail：　is　it　all　that？〃

The　tears　lay　mute　on　her　eyes。　She　rose　quickly　and　walked　away　to　the　garden。　He　followed　her。　When　they　had　entered　it；　he　strolled　beside　her　among　the　plants。

〃You　must　see　them　once　more；〃　she　said。　Her　tone　was　perfectly　quiet　and　careless。　Then　she　continued　with　animation：　〃Some　day　you　will　not　know　this　garden。　When　we　are　richer；　you　will　see　what　I　shall　do：　with　it；　with　the　house；　with　everything！　　I　do　not　live　altogether　on　memories：　I　have　hopes。〃

They　came　to　the　bench　where　they　were　used　to　talk；　She　sat　down；　and　waited　until　she　could　control　the　least　tremor　of　her　voice。　Then　she　turned　upon　him　her　noble　eyes；　the　exquisite　passionate　tender　light　of　which　no　effort　of　the　will　could　curtain　in。　Nor　could　any　self…restraint　turn　aside　the　electrical　energy　of　her　words：〃I　thought　I　should　not　let　you　go　away　without　saying　something　more　to　you　about　what　has　happened　lately　with　Amy。　My　interest　in　you；　your　future；　your　success；　has　caused　me　to　feel　everything　more　than　you　can　possibly　realize。　But　I　am　not　thinking　of　this　now：　it　is　nothing；　it　will　pass。　What　it　has　caused　me　to　see　and　to　regret　more　than　anything　else　is　the　power　that　life　will　have　to　hurt　you　on　account　of　the　ideals　that　you　have　built　up　in　secret。　　We　have　been　talking　about　Sir　Thomas　Malory　and　chivalry　and　ideals：　there　is　one　thing　you　need　to　knowall　of　us　need　to　know　itand　to　know　it　well。〃Ideals　are　of　two　kinds。　There　are　those　that　correspond　to　our　highest　sense　of　perfection。　They　express　what　we　might　be　were　life；　the　world；　ourselves；　all　different；　all　better。　　Let　these　be　high　as　they　may！　They　are　not　useless　because　unattainable。　Life　is　not　a　failure　because　they　are　never　attained。　God　Himself　requires　of　us　the　unattainable：　'Be　ye　perfect；　even　as　I　am　perfect！　He　could　not　do　less。　He　commands　perfection；　He　forgives　us　that　we　are　not　perfect！　　Nor　does　He　count　us　failures　because　we　have　to　be　forgiven。　Our　ideals　also　demand　of　us　perfectionthe　impossible；　but　because　we　come　far　short　of　this　we　have　no　right　to　count　ourselves　as　failures。　　What　are　they　likeideals　such　as　these？　They　are　like　light…houses。　But　light…houses　are　not　made　to　live　in；　neither　can　we　live　in　such　ideals。　I　suppose　they　are　meant　to　shine　on　us　from　afar；　when　the　sea　of　our　life　is　dark　and　stormy；　perhaps　to　remind　us　of　a　haven　of　hope；　as　we　drift　or　sink　in　shipwreck。　　All　of　your　ideals　are　lighthouses。　〃But　there　are　ideals　of　another　sort；　it　is　these　that　you　lack。　As　we　advance　into　life；　out　of　larger　experience　of　the　world　and　of　ourselves；　are　unfolded　the　ideals　of　what　will　be　possible　to　us　if　we　make　the　best　use　of　the　world　and　of　ourselves；　taken　as　we　are。　Let　these　be　as　high　as　they　may；　they　will　always　be　lower　than　those　others　which　are　perhaps　the　veiled　intimations　of　our　immortality。　These　will　always　be　imperfect；　but　life　is　not　a　failure　because　they　are　so。　　It　is　these　that　are　to　burn　for　us；　not　like　light…houses　in　the　distance；　but　like　candles　in　our　hands。　For　so　many　of　us　they　are　too　much　like　candles！the　longer　they　burn；　the　lower　they　burn；　until　before　death　they　go　out　altogether！　But　I　know　that　it　will　not　be　thus　with　you。　At　first　you　will　have　disappoint…ments　and　sufferingsthe　world　on　one　side；　unattainable　ideals　of　perfection　on　the　other。　But　by　degrees　the　comforting　light　of　what　you　may　actually　do　and　be　in　an　imperfect　world　will　shine　close　to　you　and　all　around　you；　more　and　more。　　It　is　this　that　will　lead　you　never　to　perfection；　but　always　toward　it。〃

He　bowed　his　head：　the　only　answer　he　could　make。

It　was　getting　late。　The　sun　at　this　moment　passed　behind　the　western　tree…tops。　It　was　the　old　customary　signal　for　him　to　go。　They　suddenly　looked　at　each　other　in　that　shadow。　〃I　shall　always　think　of　you　for　your　last　words　to　me；〃　he　said　in　a　thick　voice；　rising。　〃Some　day　you　will　find　the　woman　who　will　be　a　candle；〃　she　replied　sadly；　rising　also。　Then　with　her　lips　trembling；　she　added　piteously：

〃Oh；　if　you　ever　marry；　don't　make　the　mistake　of　treating　the　woman　as　an　ideal　Treat　her　in　every　way　as　a　human　being　exactly　like　yourself！　　With　the　same　weakness；　the　same　strug…les；　the　same　temptations！　And　as　you　have　some　mercy　on　yourself　despite　your　faults；　have　some　mercy　on　her　despite　hers。〃

〃Must　I　ever　think　of　you　as　having　been　weak　and　tempted　as　I　have　been？〃　he　cried；　the　guilty　blood　rushing　into　his　face　in　the　old　struggle　to　tell　her　everything。　〃Oh；　as　for　mewhat　do　you　know　of　me！〃　she　cried；　laughing。　　And　then　more　quickly：　〃I　have　read　your　face！　What　do　you　read　in　mine？〃　He　looked　long　into　it：　〃All　that　I　have　most　wished　to　see　in　the　face　of　any　womanexcept　one　thing！〃　〃What　is　that？　But　don't　tell　me！〃

She　turned　away　toward　the　garden　gate。　In　silence　they　passed　outwalking　toward　the　edge　of　the　clearing。　Half…way　she　paused。　He　lifted　his　hat　and　held　out　his　hand。　She　laid　hers　in　it　and　they　gave　each　other　the　long　clinging　grasp　of　affection。〃Always　be　a　good　man；〃　she　said；　tightening　her　grasp　and　turning　her　face　away。

As　he　was　hurrying　off；　she　called　to　him　in　a　voice　full　of　emotion：

〃Come　back！〃

He　wheeled　and　walked　towards　her　blindly。

She　scanned　his　face；　feature　by　feature。

〃Take　off　your　hat！〃　she　said　with　a　tremulous　little　laugh。　He　did　so　and　she　looked　at　his　forehead　and　his　hair。

〃Go　now；　dear　friend！〃　she　said　calmly　but　quickly。

XXI

It　was　the　morning　of　the