a confession(忏悔录)-第14节

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oars；　and　the　direction；　and　began　to　pull　back　upwards　against　the

stream　and　towards　the　whore。

　　　　　That　shore　was　God；　that　direction　was　tradition；　the　oars

were　the　freedom　given　me　to　pull　for　the　shore　and　unite　with　God。　

And　so　the　force　of　life　was　renewed　in　me　and　I　again　began　to

live。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XIII



　　　　　I　turned　from　the　life　of　our　circle；　acknowledging　that　ours

is　not　life　but　a　simulation　of　life　　that　the　conditions　of

superfluity　in　which　we　live　deprive　us　of　the　possibility　of

understanding　life；　and　that　in　order　to　understand　life　I　must

understand　not　an　exceptional　life　such　as　our　who　are　parasites　on

life；　but　the　life　of　the　simple　labouring　folk　　those　who　make

life　　and　the　meaning　which　they　attribute　to　it。　　The　simplest

labouring　people　around　me　were　the　Russian　people；　and　I　turned　to

them　and　to　the　meaning　of　life　which　they　give。　　That　meaning；　if

one　can　put　it　into　words；　was　as　follows：　　Every　man　has　come　into

this　world　by　the　will　of　God。　　And　God　has　so　made　man　that　every

man　can　destroy　his　soul　or　save　it。　　The　aim　of　man　in　life　is　to

save　his　soul；　and　to　save　his　soul　he　must　live　〃godly〃　and　to

live　〃godly〃　he　must　renounce　all　the　pleasures　of　life；　must

labour；　humble　himself；　suffer；　and　be　merciful。　　That　meaning　the

people　obtain　from　the　whole　teaching　of　faith　transmitted　to　them

by　their　pastors　and　by　the　traditions　that　live　among　the　people。　

This　meaning　was　clear　to　me　and　near　to　my　heart。　　But　together

with　this　meaning　of　the　popular　faith　of　our　non…sectarian　folk；

among　whom　I　live；　much　was　inseparably　bound　up　that　revolted　me

and　seemed　to　me　inexplicable：　sacraments；　Church　services；　fasts；

and　the　adoration　of　relics　and　icons。　　The　people　cannot　separate

the　one　from　the　other；　nor　could　I。　　And　strange　as　much　of　what

entered　into　the　faith　of　these　people　was　to　me；　I　accepted

everything；　and　attended　the　services；　knelt　morning　and　evening　in

prayer；　fasted；　and　prepared　to　receive　the　Eucharist：　and　at　first

my　reason　did　not　resist　anything。　　The　very　things　that　had

formerly　seemed　to　me　impossible　did　not　now　evoke　in　me　any

opposition。

　　　　　My　relations　to　faith　before　and　after　were　quite　different。　

Formerly　life　itself　seemed　to　me　full　of　meaning　and　faith

presented　itself　as　the　arbitrary　assertion　of　propositions　to　me

quite　unnecessary；　unreasonable；　and　disconnected　from　life。　　I

then　asked　myself　what　meaning　those　propositions　had　and；

convinced　that　they　had　none；　I　rejected　them。　　Now　on　the　contrary

I　knew　firmly　that　my　life　otherwise　has；　and　can　have；　no　meaning；

and　the　articles　of　faith　were　far　from　presenting　themselves　to　me

as　unnecessary　　　on　the　contrary　I　had　been　led　by　indubitable

experience　to　the　conviction　that　only　these　propositions　presented

by　faith　give　life　a　meaning。　　formerly　I　looked　on　them　as　on　some

quite　unnecessary　gibberish；　but　now；　if　I　did　not　understand　them；

I　yet　knew　that　they　had　a　meaning；　and　I　said　to　myself　that　I

must　learn　to　understand　them。

　　　　　I　argued　as　follows；　telling　myself　that　the　knowledge　of

faith　flows；　like　all　humanity　with　its　reason；　from　a　mysterious

source。　　That　source　is　God；　the　origin　both　of　the　human　body　and

the　human　reason。　　As　my　body　has　descended　to　me　from　God；　so　also

has　my　reason　and　my　understanding　of　life；　and　consequently　the

various　stages　of　the　development　of　that　understanding　of　life

cannot　be　false。　　All　that　people　sincerely　believe　in　must　be

true；　it　may　be　differently　expressed　but　it　cannot　be　a　lie；　and

therefore　if　it　presents　itself　to　me　as　a　lie；　that　only　means

that　I　have　not　understood　it。　　Furthermore　I　said　to　myself；　the

essence　of　every　faith　consists　in　its　giving　life　a　meaning　which

death　does　not　destroy。　　Naturally　for　a　faith　to　be　able　to　reply

to　the　questions　of　a　king　dying　in　luxury；　of　an　old　slave

tormented　by　overwork；　of　an　unreasoning　child；　of　a　wise　old　man；

of　a　half…witted　old　woman；　of　a　young　and　happy　wife；　of　a　youth

tormented　by　passions；　of　all　people　in　the　most　varied　conditions

of　life　and　education　　if　there　is　one　reply　to　the　one　eternal

question　of　life：　　〃Why　do　I　live　and　what　will　result　from　my

life？〃　　the　reply；　though　one　in　its　essence；　must　be　endlessly

varied　in　its　presentation；　and　the　more　it　is　one；　the　more　true

and　profound　it　is；　the　more　strange　and　deformed　must　it　naturally

appear　in　its　attempted　expression；　conformably　to　the　education

and　position　of　each　person。　　But　this　argument；　justifying　in　my

eyes　the　queerness　of　much　on　the　ritual　side　of　religion；　did　not

suffice　to　allow　me　in　the　one　great　affair　of　life　　religion　

to　do　things　which　seemed　to　me　questionable。　　With　all　my　soul　I

wished　to　be　in　a　position　to　mingle　with　the　people；　fulfilling

the　ritual　side　of　their　religion；　but　I　could　not　do　it。　　I　felt

that　I　should　lie　to　myself　and　mock　at　what　was　sacred　to　me；　were

I　to　do　so。　　At　this　point；　however；　our　new　Russian　theological

writers　came　to　my　rescue。

　　　　　According　to　the　explanation　these　theologians　gave；　the

fundamental　dogma　of　our　faith　is　the　infallibility　of　the　Church。　

From　the　admission　of　that　dogma　follows　inevitably　the　truth　of

all　that　is　professed　by　the　Church。　　The　Church　as　an　assembly　of

true　believers　united　by　love　and　therefore　possessed　of　true

knowledge　became　the　basis　of　my　belief。　　I　told　myself　that　divine

truth　cannot　be　accessible　to　a　separate　individual；　it　is　revealed

only　to　the　whole　assembly　of　people　united　by　love。　　To　attain

truth　one　must　not　separate；　and　in　order　not　to　separate　one　must

love　and　must　endure　things　one　may　not　agree　with。

　　　　　Truth　reveals　itself　to　love；　and　if　you　do　not　submit　to　the

rites　of　the　Church　you　transgress　against　love；　and　by

transgressing　against　love　you　deprive　yourself　of　the　possibility

of　recognizing　the　truth。　　I　did　not　then　see　the　sophistry

contained　in　this　argument。　　I　did　not　see　that　union　in　love　may

give　the　greatest　love；　but　certainly　cannot　give　us　divine　truth

expressed　in　the　definite　words　of　the　Nicene　Creed。　　I　also　did

not　perceive　that　love　cannot　make　a　certain　expression　of　truth　an

obligatory　condition　of　union。　　I　did　not　then　see　these　mistakes

in　the　argument　and　thanks　to　it　was　able　to　accept　and　perform　all

the　rites　of　the　Orthodox　Church　without　understanding　most　of

them。　　I　then　tried　with　all　strength　of　my　soul　to　avoid　all

arguments　and　contradictions；　and　tried　to　explain　as　reasonably　as

possible　the　Church　statements　I　encountered。

　　　　　When　fulfilling　the　rites　of　the　Church　I　humbled　my　reason

and　submitted　to　the　tradition　possessed　by　all　humanity。　　I　united

myself　with　my　forefathers：　the　father；　mother；　and　grandparents　I

loved。　They　and　all　my　predecessors　believed　and　lived；　and　they

produced　me。　　I　united　myself　also　with　the　missions　of　the　common

people　whom　I　respected。　　Moveover；　those　actions　had　nothing　bad

in　themselves　（〃bad〃　I　considered　the　indulgence　of　one's　desires）。　

When　rising　early　for　Church　services　I　knew　I　was　doing　well；　if

only　because　I　was　sacrificing　my　bodily　ease　to　humble　my　mental

pride；　for　the　sake　of　union　with　my　ancestors　and　contemporaries；

and　for　the　sake　of　finding　the　meaning　of　life。　　It　was　the　same

with　my　preparations　to　receive　Communion；　and　with　the　daily

reading　of　prayers　with　genuflections；　and　also　with　the　observance

of　all　the　fasts。　　However　insignificant　these　sacrifices　might　be

I　made　them　for　the　sake　of　something　good。　　I　fasted；　prepared　for

Communion；　and　observed　the　fixed　hours　of　prayer　at　home　and　in

church。　　During　Church　service　I　attended　to　every　word；　and　gave

them　a　meaning　whenever　I　could。　　In　the　Mass　the　most　important

words　for　me　were：　〃Let　us　love　one　another　in　conformity！〃　　The

further　words；　〃In　unity　we　believe　in　the　Father；　the　Son；　and

Holy　Ghost〃；　I　passed　by；　because　I　could　not　understand　them。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XIV



　　　　　In　was　then　so　necessary　for　me　to　believe　in　order　to　live

that　I　unconsciously　concealed　from　myself　the　contradictions　and

obscurities　of　theology。　　but　this　reading　of　meanings　into　the

rites　had　its　limits。　　If　the　chief　words　in　the　prayer　for　the

Emperor　became　more　and　more　clear　to　me；　if　I　found　some

explanation　for　the　words　〃and　remembering　our　Sovereign　Most…Holy

Mother　of　God　and　all　the　Saints；　ourselves　and　one　another；　we

give　our　whole　life　to　Christ　our　God〃；　if　I　explained　to　myself

the　frequent　repetition　of　prayers　for　the　Tsar　and　his　relations

by　the　fact　that　they　are　more　exposed　to　temptations　than　other

people　and　therefore　are　more　in　need　of　being　prayed　for　　the

prayers　about　subduing　our　enemies　and　evil　under　our　feet　（even　if

one　tried　to　say　that　*sin*　was　the　enemy　prayed　against）；　these

and　other　prayers；　such　as　th