stage-land[1].(舞台)-第4节
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as good as the stage heroine； it would be unbearable。
The stage heroine's only pleasure in life is to go out in a snow…storm
without an umbrella and with no bonnet on。 She has a bonnet； we know
（rather a tasteful little thing）； we have seen it hanging up behind the door
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of her room； but when she comes out for a night stroll during a heavy
snow…storm （accompanied by thunder）； she is most careful to leave it at
home。 Maybe she fears the snow will spoil it； and she is a careful girl。
She always brings her child out with her on these occasions。 She
seems to think that it will freshen it up。 The child does not appreciate the
snow as much as she does。 He says it's cold。
One thing that must irritate the stage heroine very much on these
occasions is the way in which the snow seems to lie in wait for her and
follow her about。 It is quite a fine night before she comes on the scene：
the moment she appears it begins to snow。 It snows heavily all the while
she remains about； and the instant she goes it clears up again and keeps
dry for the rest of the evening。
The way the snow 〃goes〃 for that poor woman is most unfair。 It
always snows much heavier in the particular spot where she is sitting than
it does anywhere else in the whole street。 Why； we have sometimes seen
a heroine sitting in the midst of a blinding snow…storm while the other side
of the road was as dry as a bone。 And it never seemed to occur to her to
cross over。
We have even known a more than unusually malignant snow…storm to
follow a heroine three times round the stage and then go off （R。） with her。
Of course you can't get away from a snow…storm like that！ A stage
snow…storm is the kind of snow…storm that would follow you upstairs and
want to come into bed with you。
Another curious thing about these stage snow…storms is that the moon
is always shining brightly through the whole of them。 And it shines only
on the heroine； and it follows her about just like the snow does。
Nobody fully understands what a wonderful work of nature the moon
is except people acquainted with the stage。 Astronomy teaches you
something about the moon； but you learn a good deal more from a few
visits to a theater。 You will find from the latter that the moon only shines
on heroes and heroines； with perhaps an occasional beam on the comic
man： it always goes out when it sees the villain coming。
It is surprising； too； how quickly the moon can go out on the stage。 At
one moment it is riding in full radiance in the midst of a cloudless sky； and
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the next instant it is gone！ Just as though it had been turned off at a
meter。 It makes you quite giddy at first until you get used to it。
The stage heroine is inclined to thoughtfulness rather than gayety。
In her cheerful moments the stage heroine thinks she sees the spirit of
her mother； or the ghost of her father； or she dreams of her dead baby。
But this is only in her very merry moods。 As a rule； she is too much
occupied with weeping to have time for frivolous reflections。
She has a great flow of language and a wonderful gift of metaphor and
similemore forcible than elegantand this might be rather trying in a
wife under ordinary circumstances。 But as the hero is generally
sentenced to ten years' penal servitude on his wedding…morn； he escapes
for a period from a danger that might well appall a less fortunate
bridegroom。
Sometimes the stage heroine has a brother； and if so he is sure to be
mistaken for her lover。 We never came across a brother and sister in real
life who ever gave the most suspicious person any grounds for mistaking
them for lovers； but the stage brother and sister are so affectionate that the
error is excusable。
And when the mistake does occur and the husband comes in suddenly
and finds them kissing and raves she doesn't turn round and say：
〃Why； you silly cuckoo； it's only my brother。〃
That would be simple and sensible； and would not suit the stage
heroine at all。 No； she does all in her power to make everybody believe
it is true； so that she can suffer in silence。
She does so love to suffer。
Marriage is undoubtedly a failure in the case of the stage heroine。
If the stage heroine were well advised she would remain single。 Her
husband means well。 He is decidedly affectionate。 But he is
unfortunate and inexperienced in worldly affairs。 Things come right for
him at the end of the play； it is true； but we would not recommend the
heroine to place too much reliance upon the continuance of this happy
state of affairs。 From what we have seen of her husband and his business
capabilities during the five acts preceding； we are inclined to doubt the
possibility of his being anything but unfortunate to the end of his career。
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True； he has at last got his 〃rights〃 （which he would never have lost
had he had a head instead of a sentimental bladder on his shoulders）； the
Villain is handcuffed； and he and the heroine have settled down
comfortably next door to the comic man。
But this heavenly existence will never last。 The stage hero was built
for trouble； and he will be in it again in another month； you bet。 They'll get
up another mortgage for him on the 〃estates；〃 and he won't know； bless
you； whether he really did sign it or whether he didn't； and out he will go。
And he'll slop his name about to documents without ever looking to
see what he's doing； and be let in for Lord knows what； and another wife
will turn up for him that he had married when a boy and forgotten all
about。
And the next corpse that comes to the village he'll get mixed up with
sure toand have it laid to his door； and there'll be all the old business
over again。
No； our advice to the stage heroine is to get rid of the hero as soon as
possible； marry the villain； and go and live abroad somewhere where the
comic man won't come fooling around。
She will be much happier。
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THE COMIC MAN。
He follows the hero all over the world。 This is rough on the hero。
What makes him so gone on the hero is that when they were boys
together the hero used to knock him down and kick him。 The comic man
remembers this with a glow of pride when he is grown up； and it makes
him love the hero and determine to devote his life to him。
He is a man of humble stationthe comic man。 The village
blacksmith or a peddler。 You never see a rich or aristocratic comic man
on the stage。 You can have your choice on the stage； you can be funny
and of lowly origin； or you can be well…to…do and without any sense of
humor。 Peers and policemen are the people most utterly devoid of humor
on the stage。
The chief duty of the comic man's life is to make love to servant…girls；
and they slap his face； but it does not discourage him； he seems to be more
smitten by them than ever。
The comic man is happy under any fate； and he says funny things at
funerals and when the bailiffs are in the house or the hero is waiting to be
hanged。
This sort of man is rather trying in real life。 In real life such a man
would probably be slaughtered to death and buried at an early period of
his career； but on the stage they put up with him。
He is very good； is the comic man。 He can't bear villainy。 To thwart
villainy is his life's ambition； and in this noble object fortune backs him up
grandly。 Bad people come and commit their murders and thefts right
under his nose； s
