donal grant-第80节

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homelike　place　to　those　that　enter　it；　than　this　world　is　to　us。

〃I　don't　like　death；〃　said　Davie；　after　a　silence。

〃I　don't　want　you　to　like；　what　you　call　death；　for　that　is　not　the
thing　itselfit　is　only　your　fancy　about　it。　You　need　not　think
about　it　at　all。　The　way　to　get　ready　for　it　is　to　live；　that　is；　to
do　what　you　have　to　do。〃

〃But　I　do　not　want　to　get　ready　for　it。　I　don't　want　to　go　to　it；
and　to　prepare　for　it　is　like　going　straight　into　it！〃

〃You　have　to　go　to　it　whether　you　prepare　for　it　or　not。　You　cannot
help　going　to　it。　But　it　must　be　like　this　world；　seeing　the　only
way　to　prepare　for　it　is　to　do　the　thing　God　gives　us　to　do。〃

〃Aren't　you　afraid　of　death；　Mr。　Grant？〃

〃No；　I　am　not。　Why　should　I　fear　the　best　thing　that；　in　its　time；
can　come　to　me？　Neither　will　you　be　afraid　when　it　comes。　It　is　not
the　dreadful　thing　it　looks。〃

〃Why　should　it　look　dreadful　if　it　is　not　dreadful？〃

〃That　is　a　very　proper　question。　It　looks　dreadful；　and　must　look
dreadful；　to　everyone　who　cannot　see　in　it　that　which　alone　makes
life　not　dreadful。　If　you　saw　a　great　dark　cloak　coming　along　the
road　as　if　it　were　round　somebody；　but　nobody　inside　it；　you　would
be　frightenedwould　you　not？〃

〃Indeed　I　should。　It　would　be　awful！〃

〃It　would。　But　if　you　spied　inside　the　cloak；　and　making　it　come
towards　you；　the　most　beautiful　loving　face　you　ever　sawof　a　man
carrying　in　his　arms　a　little　childand　saw　the　child　clinging　to
him；　and　looking　in　his　face　with　a　blessed　smile；　would　you　be
frightened　at　the　black　cloak？〃

〃No；　that　would　be　silly。〃

〃You　have　your　answer！　The　thing　that　makes　death　look　so　fearful　is
that　we　do　not　see　inside　it。　Those　who　see　only　the　black　cloak；
and　think　it　is　moving　along　of　itself；　may　well　be　frightened；　but
those　who　see　the　face　inside　the　cloak；　would　be　fools　indeed　to　be
frightened！　Before　Jesus　came；　people　lived　in　great　misery　about
death；　but　after　he　rose　again；　those　who　believed　in　him　always
talked　of　dying　as　falling　asleep；　and　I　daresay　the　story　of
Lazarus；　though　it　was　not　such　a　great　thing　after　the　rising　of
the　Lord　himself；　had　a　large　share　in　enabling　them　to　think　that
way　about　it。〃

When　they　went　home；　Davie；　running　up　to　lady　Arctura's　room；
recounted　to　her　as　well　as　he　could　the　conversation　he　had　just
had　with　Mr。　Grant。

〃Oh；　Arkie！〃　he　said；　〃to　hear　him　talk；　you　would　think　Death
hadn't　a　leg　to　stand　upon！〃

Arctura　smiled；　but　it　was　a　smile　through　a　cloud　of　unshed　tears。
Lovely　as　death　might　be；　she　would　like　to　get　the　good　of　this
world　before　going　to　the　next！As　if　God　would　deny　us　any
good！At　one　time　she　had　been　willing　to　go；　she　thought；　but　she
was　not　now！The　world　had　of　late　grown　very　beautiful　to　her！




CHAPTER　LXI。

THE　BUREAU。

On　the　Monday　night　Donal　again　went　down　into　the　hidden　parts　of
the　castle。　Arctura　had　come　to　the　schoolroom；　but　seemed　ill　able
for　her　work；　and　he　did　not　tell　her　what　he　was　doing　farther。

They　were　rather　the　ghosts　of　fears　than　fears　themselves　that　had
assailed　him；　and　this　time　they　hardly　came　near　him　as　he　wrought。
With　his　new　file　he　made　better　work　than　before；　and　soon　finished
cutting　through　the　top　of　the　staple。　Trying　it　then　with　a　poker
as　a　lever；　he　broke　the　bottom　part　across；　so　there　was　nothing　to
hold　the　bolt；　and　with　a　creaking　noise　of　rusty　hinges　the　door
slowly　opened　to　his　steady　pull。　Nothing　appeared　but　a　wall　of
plank！　He　gave　it　a　push；　it　yielded：　another　door；　close…fitting；
and　without　any　fastening；　flew　open；　revealing　a　small　closet　or
press；　and　on　the　opposite　side　of　it　a　third　door。　This　he　could
not　at　once　open。　It　was　secured；　however；　with　a　common　lock；　which
cost　him　scarcely　any　trouble。　It　opened　on　a　little　room；　of　about
nine　feet　by　seven。　He　went　in。　It　contained　nothing　but　an
old…fashioned　secretary　or　bureau；　and　a　seat　like　a　low
music…stool。

〃It　may　have　been　a　vestry　for　the　priest！〃　thought　Donal；　〃but　it
must　have　been　used　later　than　the　chapel；　for　this　desk　is　not
older　than　the　one　at　The　Mains；　which　mistress　Jean　said　was　made
for　her　grandmother！〃

Then　how　did　it　get　into　the　place？　There　was　no　other　door！　Above
the　bureau　was　a　small　window；　or　what　seemed　a　window　doubtful　with
dirt；　but　door　there　was　not！　It　was　not　too　large　to　enter　by　the
oak　door；　but　it　could　not　have　got　to　it　along　any　of　the　passages
he　had　come　through！　It　followed　that　there　must；　and　that　not　so
very　long　ago；　have　been　another　entrance　to　the　place　in　which　he
stood！

He　turned　to　look　at　the　way　he　had　himself　come：　it　was　through　a
common　press　of　painted　deal；　filling　the　end　of　the　little　room；
there　narrowed　to　about　five　feet。　When　the　door　in　the　back　of　it
was　shut；　it　looked　merely　a　part　of　the　back　of　the　press。

He　turned　again　to　the　bureau；　with　a　strange　feeling　at　his　heart。
The　cover　was　down；　and　on　it　lay　some　sheets　of　paper；　discoloured
with　dust　and　age。　A　pen　lay　with　them；　and　beside　was　an　ink…bottle
of　the　commonest　type；　the　ink　in　powder　and　flakes。　He　took　up　one
of　the　sheets。　It　had　a　great　stain　on　it。　The　bottle　must　have　been
overturned！　But　was　it　ink？　No；　it　stood　too　thick　on　the　paper。
With　a　gruesome　shiver　Donal　wetted　his　finger　and　tried　the　surface
of　it：　a　little　came　off；　a　tinge　of　suspicious　brown。　There　was
writing　on　the　paper！　What　was　it？　He　held　the　faded　lines　close　to
the　candle。　They　were　not　difficult　to　decipher。　He　sat　down　on　the
stool；　and　read　thushis　reading　broken　by　the　stain：　there　was　no
date：

〃My　husband　for　such　I　willblotare　in　the　sight　of
Godblotmen　why　are　you　so　cruel　whatblotdeserve　these
terrorsblotin　thought　have　Iblothard　upon　me　to　think　of
another。〃

Here　the　writing　came　below　the　blot；　and　went　on　unbroken。

〃My　little　one　is　gone　and　I　am　left　lonely　oh　so　lonely。　I　cannot
but　think　that　if　you　had　loved　me　as　you　once　did　I　should　yet　be
clasping　my　little　one　to　my　bosom　and　you　would　have　a　daughter　to
comfort　you　after　I　am　gone。　I　feel　sure　I　cannot　long　survive
thisah　there　my　hand　has　burst　out　bleeding　again；　but　do　not
think　I　mind　it；　I　know　it　was　only　an　accident；　you　never　meant　to
do　it；　though　you　teased　me　by　refusing　to　say　sobesides　it　is
nothing。　You　might　draw　ever　drop　of　blood　from　my　body　and　I　would
not　care　if　only　you　would　not　make　my　heart　bleed　so。　Oh；　it　is
gone　all　over　my　paper　and　you　will　think　I　have　done　it　to　let　you
see　how　it　bleedsbut　I　cannot　write　it　all　over　again　it　is　too
great　a　labour　and　too　painful　to　write；　so　you　must　see　it　just　as
it　is。　I　dare　not　think　where　my　baby　is；　for　if　I　should　be　doomed
never　to　see　her　because　of　the　love　I　have　borne　to　you　and
consented　to　be　as　you　wished　if　I　am　cast　out　from　God　because　I
loved　you　more　than　him　I　shall　never　see　you　againfor　to　be　where
I　could　see　you　would　never　be　punishment　enough　for　my　sins。〃

Here　the　writing　stopped：　the　bleeding　of　the　hand　had　probably
brought　it　to　a　close。　The　letter　had　never　been　folded；　but　lying
there；　had　lain　there。　He　looked　if　he　could　find　a　date；　there　was
none。　He　held　the　sheet　up　to　the　light；　and　saw　a　paper　mark；　while
close　by　lay　another　sheet　with　merely　a　datein　the　same　hand；　as
if　the　writer　had　been　about　to　commence　another　in　lieu　of　the
letter　spoiled。

〃Strange！〃　thought　Donal　with　himself；　〃an　old　withered　grief　looks
almost　as　pitiful　as　an　old　withered　joy！But　who　is　to　say　either
is　withered？　Those　who　look　upon　death　as　an　evil；　yet　regard　it　as
the　healer　of　sorrows！　Is　it　such？　No　one　can　tell　how　long　a　grief
may　last　unwithered！　Surely　till　the　life　heals　it！　He　is　a　coward
who　would　be　cured　of　his　sorrow　by　mere　lapse　of　time；　by　the　mere
forgetting　of　a　brain　that　grows　musty　with　age。　It　is　God　alone　who
can　healthe　God　of　the　dead　and　of　the　living！　and　the　dead　must
find　him；　or　be　miserable　for　evermore！〃

He　had　not　a　doubt　that　the　letter　he　had　read　was　in　the　writing　of
the　mother　of　the　present　earl's　children。

What　was　he　to　do？　He　had　thought　he　was　looking　into　matters　much
olderthings　over　which　the　permission　of　lady　Arctura　extended；
and　in　truth　what　he　had　discovered；　or　seen　corroborated；　was　a
thing　she　had　a　right　to　know！　but　whether　he　ought　to　tell　her　at
once　he　did　not　yet　see。　He　took　up　his　candle；　and　with　a　feeling
of　helpless　dismay；　withdrew　to　his　chamber。　But　when　he　reached　the
door　of　it；　yielding　to　a　sudden　impulse；　he　turned　away；　and　went
farther　up　the　stair；　and　out　upon　the　bartizan。

It　was　a　frosty　night；　and　the　stars　were　brilliant。　He　looked　up
and　said；

〃Oh　Saviour　of　men；　thy　house　is　vaulted　with　light；　thy　secret
places　are　secret　from　excess　of　light；　in　thee　is　no　darkness　at
all；　thou　hast　no　terrible　crypts　and　built…up　places；　thy　light　is
the　terror　of　those　who　love　the　darkness！　Fill　my　heart　with　thy
light；　let　me　never　hunger　or　thirst　after　anything　but　thy
willthat　I　may　walk　in　the　light；　and　light　not　darkness　may　go
forth　from　me。〃

As　he　turned　to　go　in；　came　a　faint　chord　from　the　aeolian　harp。

〃It　sings；　brooding　over　the