bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第167节
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wanted to be alone； and therefore I said； now alone in my own
room； “Esther； if you are to be happy； if you are to have any right
to pray to be true…hearted； you must keep your word； my dear。” I
was quite resolved to keep it； but I sat down for a little while first；
to reflect upon all my blessings。 And then I said my prayers； and
thought a little more。
My hair had not been cut off； though it had been in danger
more than once。 It was long and thick。 I let it down； and shook it
out； and went up to the glass upon the dressing…table。 There was a
little muslin curtain drawn across it。 I drew it back： and stood for a
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moment looking through such a veil of my own air； that I could see
nothing else。 Then I put my hair aside； and looked at the reflection
in the mirror； encouraged by seeing how placidly it looked at me。 I
was very much changed—O very； very much。 At first； my face was
so strange to me； that I think I should have put my hands before it
and started back； but for the encouragement I have mentioned。
Very soon it became more familiar； and then I knew the extent of
the alteration in it better than I had done at first。 It was not like
what I had expected； but I had expected nothing definite； and I
dare say anything definite would have surprised me。
I had never been a beauty and had never thought myself one；
but I had been very different from this。 It was all gone now。
Heaven was so good to me； that I could let it go with a few not
bitter tears； and could stand there arranging my hair for the night
quite thankfully。
One thing troubled me； and I considered it for a long time
before I went to sleep。 I had kept Mr Woodcourt’s flowers。 When
they were withered I had dried them； and put them in a book that
I was fond of。 Nobody knew this； not even Ada。 I was doubtful
whether I had a right to preserve what he had sent to one so
different—whether it was generous towards him to do it。 I wished
to be generous to him； even in the secret depths of my heart；
which he would never know； because I could have loved him—
could have been devoted to him。 At last I came to the conclusion
that I might keep them； if I treasured them only as a remembrance
of what was irrevocably past and gone； never to be looked back on
any more； in any other light。 I hope this may not seem trivial。 I was
very much in earnest。
I took care to be up early in the morning； and to be before the
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glass when Charley came in on tiptoe。
“Dear； dear； miss！” cried Charley； starting。 “Is that you？”
“Yes； Charley；” said I； quietly putting up my hair。 “And I am
very well indeed； and very happy。”
I saw it was a weight off Charley’s mind； but it was a greater
weight off mine。 I knew the worst now； and was composed to it。 I
shall not conceal； as I go on； the weaknesses I could not quite
conquer； but they always passed from me soon； and the happier
frame of mind stayed by me faithfully。
Wishing to be fully re…established in my strength and my good
spirits before Ada came； I now laid down a little series of plans
with Charley for being in the fresh air all day long。 We were to be
out before breakfast； and were to dine early； and were to be out
again before and after dinner； and were to walk in the garden after
tea； and were to go to rest betimes； and were to climb every hill
and explore every road； lane； and field in the neighbourhood。 As to
restoratives and strengthening delicacies； Mr Boythorn’s good
housekeeper was for ever trotting about with something to eat or
drink in her hand； I could not even be heard of as resting in the
Park； but she would come trotting after me with a basket； her
cheerful face shining with a lecture on the importance of frequent
nourishment。 Then there was a pony expressly for my riding； a
chubby pony； with a short neck and a mane all over his eyes； who
could canter—when he would—so easily and quietly； that he was a
treasure。 In a very few days； he would come to me in the paddock
when I called him； and eat out of my hand； and follow me about。
We arrived at such a capital understanding； that when he was
jogging with me lazily； and rather obstinately； down some shady
lane； if I patted his neck； and said； “Stubbs； I am surprised you
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don’t canter when you know how much I like it； and I think you
might oblige me； for you are only getting stupid and going to
sleep；” he would give his head a comical shake or two； and set off
directly； while Charley would stand still and laugh with such
enjoyment； that her laughter was like music。 I don’t know who had
given Stubbs his name； but it seemed to belong to him as naturally
as his rough coat。 Once we put him in a little chaise； and drove
him triumphantly through the green lanes for five miles； but all at
once； as we were extolling him to the skies； he seemed to take it ill
that he should have been accompanied so far by the circle of
tantalizing little gnats； that had been hovering round and round
his ears the whole way without appearing to advance an inch； and
stopped to think about it。 I suppose he came to the decision that it
was not to be borne； for he steadily refused to move； until I gave
the reins to Charley and got out and walked； when he followed me
with a sturdy sort of good humour； putting his head under my
arm； and rubbing his ear against my sleeve。 It was in vain for me
to say； “Now； Stubbs； I feel quite sure from what I know of you；
that you will go on if I ride a little while；” for the moment I left him
he stood stock still again。 Consequently I was obliged to lead the
way； as before； and in this order we returned home； to the great
delight of the village。
Charley and I had reason to call it the most friendly of villages； I
am sure； for in a week’s time the people were so glad to see us go
by； though ever so frequently in the course of a day； that there
were faces of greeting in every cottage。 I had known many of the
grown people before； and almost all the children； but now the very
steeple began to wear a familiar and affectionate look。 Among my
new friends was an old old woman who lived in such a little
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thatched and whitewashed dwelling； that when the outside shutter
was turned up on its hinges； it shut up the whole house…front。 This
old lady had a grandson who was a sailor； and I wrote a letter to
him for her； and drew at the top of it the chimney…corner in which
she had brought him up； and where his old stool yet occupied its
old place。 This was considered by the whole village the most
wonderful achievement in the world； but when an answer came
back all the way from Plymouth； in which he mentioned that he
was going to take the picture all the way to America； and from
America would write again； I got all the credit that ought to have
been given to the Post…office； and was invested with the merit of
the whole system。
Thus； what with being so much in the air； playing with so many
children； gossiping with so many people； sitting on invitation in so
many cottages； going on with Charley’s education； and writing
long letters to Ada every day； I had scarcely any time to th
