memoirs of carwin the biloquist(卡尔维恩)-第19节
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speech。 It was now； however； too late to retract。 I had been guilty of a
solemn and deliberate concealment。 I was now in the path in which there
was no turning back； and I must go forward。
The return of day's encouraging beams in some degree quieted my
nocturnal terrors； and I went； at the appointed hour； to Ludloe's presence。
I found him with a much more cheerful aspect than I expected； and began
to chide myself； in secret； for the folly of my late apprehensions。
After a little pause； he reminded me； that he was only one among
many； engaged in a great and arduous design。 As each of us； continued
he； is mortal； each of us must； in time； yield his post to another。Each of
us is ambitious to provide himself a successor； to have his place filled by
one selected and instructed by himself。 All our personal feelings and
affections are by no means intended to be swallowed up by a passion for
the general interest； when they can be kept alive and be brought into play；
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
in subordination and subservience to the ~~great end~~； they are
cherished as useful； and revered as laudable； and whatever austerity and
rigour you may impute to my character； there are few more susceptible of
personal regards than I am。
You cannot know； till ~~you~~ are what ~~I~~ am； what deep； what
all…absorbing interest I have in the success of my tutorship on this
occasion。 Most joyfully would I embrace a thousand deaths； rather than
that you should prove a recreant。 The consequences of any failure in
your integrity will； it is true； be fatal to yourself： but there are some
minds； of a generous texture； who are more impatient under ills they have
inflicted upon others； than of those they have brought upon themselves；
who had rather perish； themselves； in infamy； than bring infamy or death
upon a benefactor。
Perhaps of such noble materials is your mind composed。 If I had not
thought so； you would never have been an object of my regard； and
therefore； in the motives that shall impel you to fidelity； sincerity； and
perseverance； some regard to my happiness and welfare will； no doubt；
have place。
And yet I exact nothing from you on this score。 If your own safety
be insufficient to controul you； you are not fit for us。 There is； indeed；
abundant need of all possible inducements to make you faithful。 The
task of concealing nothing from me must be easy。 That of concealing
every thing from others must be the only arduous one。 The ~~first~~ you
can hardly fail of performing； when the exigence requires it； for what
motive can you possibly have to practice evasion or disguise with me？
You have surely committed no crime； you have neither robbed； nor
murdered； nor betrayed。 If you have； there is no room for the fear of
punishment or the terror of disgrace to step in； and make you hide your
guilt from me。 You cannot dread any further disclosure； because I can
have no interest in your ruin or your shame： and what evil could ensue
the confession of the foulest murder； even before a bench of magistrates；
more dreadful than that which will inevitably follow the practice of the
least concealment to me； or the least undue disclosure to others？
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
You cannot easily conceive the emphatical solemnity with which this
was spoken。 Had he fixed piercing eyes on me while he spoke； had I
perceived him watching my looks； and labouring to penetrate my secret
thoughts； I should doubtless have been ruined： but he fixed his eyes
upon the floor； and no gesture or look indicated the smallest suspicion of
my conduct。 After some pause； he continued； in a more pathetic tone；
while his whole frame seemed to partake of his mental agitation。
I am greatly at a loss by what means to impress you with a full
conviction of the truth of what I have just said。 Endless are the
sophistries by which we seduce ourselves into perilous and doubtful paths。
What we do not see； we disbelieve； or we heed not。 The sword may
descend upon our infatuated head from above； but we who are； meanwhile；
busily inspecting the ground at our feet； or gazing at the scene around us；
are not aware or apprehensive of its irresistible coming。 In this case； it
must not be seen before it is felt； or before that time comes when the
danger of incurring it is over。 I cannot withdraw the veil； and disclose to
your view the exterminating angel。 All must be vacant and blank； and
the danger that stands armed with death at your elbow must continue to be
totally invisible； till that moment when its vengeance is provoked or
unprovokable。 I will do my part to encourage you in good； or intimidate
you from evil。 I am anxious to set before you all the motives which are
fitted to influence your conduct； but how shall I work on your
convictions？
Here another pause ensued； which I had not courage enough to
interrupt。 He presently resumed。
Perhaps you recollect a visit which you paid； on Christmas day； in the
year ； to the cathedral church at Toledo。 Do you remember？
A moment's reflection recalled to my mind all the incidents of that day。
I had good reason to remember them。 I felt no small trepidation when
Ludloe referred me to that day； for； at the moment； I was doubtful whether
there had not been some bivocal agency exerted On that occasion。
Luckily； however； it was almost the only similar occasion in which it had
been wholly silent。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
I answered in the affirmative。 I remember them perfectly。
And yet； said Ludloe； with a smile that seemed intended to disarm this
declaration of some of its terrors； I suspect your recollection is not as exact
as mine； nor； indeed； your knowledge as extensive。 You met there； for
the first time； a female； whose nominal uncle； but real father； a dean of
that ancient church； resided in a blue stone house； the third from the west
angle of the square of St。 Jago。
All this was exactly true。
This female； continued he； fell in love with you。 Her passion made
her deaf to all the dictates of modesty and duty； and she gave you
sufficient intimations； in subsequent interviews at the same place； of this
passion； which； she being fair and enticing； you were not slow in
comprehending and returning。 As not only the safety of your intercourse；
but even of both your lives； depended on being shielded even from
suspicion； the utmost wariness and caution was observed in all your
proceedings。 Tell me whether you succeeded in your efforts to this end。
I replied； that； at the time； I had no doubt but I had。
And yet； said he； drawing something from his pocket； and putting it
into my hand； there is the slip of paper； with the preconcerted emblem
inscribed upon it； which the infatuated girl dropped in your sight； one
evening； in the left aisle of that church。 That paper you imagined you
afterwards burnt in your chamber lamp。 In pursuance of this token； you
deferred your intended visit； and next day the lady was accidentally
drowned； in passing a river。 Here ended your connexion with her； and
with her was buried； as you thought； all memory of this transaction。
