the ninth vibration-第23节

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〃What　has　it　given？〃

〃A　consuming　longing。〃

〃It　is　the　music　of　the　Eternal。　The　creeds　and　the　faiths　are　the　words　that　men　have　set　to　that　melody。　Listening；　it　will　lead　you　to　Wisdom。　Day　by　day　you　will　interpret　more　surely。〃

〃I　cannot　stand　alone。〃

〃You　will　not　need。　What　has　led　you　will　lead　you　still。　Through　many　births　it　has　led　you。　How　should　it　fail？〃

〃What　should　I　do？〃

〃Go　forward。〃

〃What　should　I　shun？〃

〃Sorrow　and　fear。〃

〃What　should　I　seek？〃

〃Joy。〃

〃And　the　end？〃

〃Joy。　Wisdom。　They　are　the　Light　and　Dark　of　the　Divine。〃　A　cold　breeze　passed　and　touched　my　forehead。　I　was　still　standing　in　the　middle　of　the　bridge　above　the　water　gliding　to　the　Ocean；　and　there　was　no　figure　by　the　Bull　of　Shiva。　I　was　alone。　I　passed　back　to　the　tents　with　the　shudder　that　is　not　fear　but　akin　to　death　upon　me。　I　knew　I　had　been　profoundly　withdrawn　from　what　we　call　actual　life；　and　the　return　is　dread。

The　days　passed　as　we　floated　down　the　river　to　Srinagar。　On　board　the　Kedarnath；　now　lying　in　our　first　berth　beneath　the　chenars　near　and　yet　far　from　the　city；　the　last　night　had　come。　Next　morning　I　should　begin　the　long　ride　to　Baramula　and　beyond　that　barrier　of　the　Happy　Valley　down　to　Murree　and　the　Punjab。　Where　afterwards？　I　neither　knew　nor　cared。　My　lesson　was　before　me　to　be　learned。　I　must　try　to　detach　myself　from　all　I　had　prized　…　to　say　to　my　heart　it　was　but　a　loan　and　no　gift；　and　to　cling　only　to　the　imperishable。　And　did　I　as　yet　certainly　know　more　than　the　A　B　C　of　the　hard　doctrine　by　which　I　must　live？　〃Que　vivre　est　difficile；　0　mon　cocur　fatigue！〃　…　an　immense　weariness　possessed　me　…　a　passive　grief。

Vanna　would　follow　later　with　the　wife　of　an　Indian　doctor。　I　believed　she　was　bound　for　Lahore　but　on　that　point　she　had　not　spoken　certainly　and　I　felt　we　should　not　meet　again。

And　now　my　packing　was　finished；　and；　as　far　as　my　possessions　went；　the　little　cabin　had　the　soulless　emptiness　that　comes　with　departure。　I　was　enduring　as　best　I　could。　If　she　had　held　loyally　to　her　pact；　could　I　do　less。　Was　she　to　blame　for　my　wild　hope　that　in　the　end　she　would　relent　and　step　down　to　the　household　levels　of　love？

She　sat　by　the　window　…　the　last　time　I　should　see　the　moonlit　banks　and　her　clear　face　against　them。　I　made　and　won　my　fight　for　the　courage　of　words。

〃And　now　I've　finished　everything　…　thank　goodness！　and　we　can　talk。　Vanna　…　you　will　write　to　me？〃

〃Once。　I　promise　that。〃

〃Only　once？　Why？　I　counted　on　your　words。〃

〃I　want　to　speak　to　you　of　something　else　now。　I　want　to　tell　you　a　memory。　But　look　first　at　the　pale　light　behind　the　Takht…i…Suliman。〃

So　I　had　seen　it　with　her。　So　I　should　not　see　it　again。　We　watched　until　a　line　of　silver　sparkled　on　the　black　water；　and　then　she　spoke　again。

〃Stephen；　do　you　remember　in　the　ruined　monastery　near　Peshawar；　how　I　told　you　of　the　young　Abbot；　who　came　down　to　Peshawar　with　a　Chinese　pilgrim？　And　he　never　returned。〃

〃I　remember。　There　was　a　Dancer。〃

〃There　was　a　Dancer。　She　was　Lilavanti；　and　she　was　brought　there　to　trap　him　but　when　she　saw　him　she　loved　him；　and　that　was　his　ruin　and　hers。　Trickery　he　would　have　known　and　escaped。　Love　caught　him　in　an　unbreakable　net；　and　they　fled　down　the　Punjab　and　no　one　knew　any　more。　But　I　know。　For　two　years　they　lived　together　and　she　saw　the　agony　in　his　heart　…　the　anguish　of　his　broken　vows；　the　face　of　the　Blessed　One　receding　into　an　infinite　distance。　She　knew　that　every　day　added　a　link　to　the　heavy　Karma　that　was　bound　about　the　feet　she　loved；　and　her　soul　said　〃Set　him　free；〃　and　her　heart　refused　the　torture。　But　her　soul　was　the　stronger。　She　set　him　free。〃

〃How？〃

〃She　took　poison。　He　became　an　ascetic　in　the　hills　and　died　in　peace　but　with　a　long　expiation　upon　him。〃

〃And　she？〃

〃I　am　she。〃

〃You！〃　I　heard　my　voice　as　if　it　were　another　man's。　Was　it　possible　that　I　…　a　man　of　the　twentieth　century；　believed　this　impossible　thing？　Impossible；　and　yet　…　what　had　I　learnt　if　not　the　unity　of　Time；　the　illusion　of　matter？　What　is　the　twentieth　century；　what　the　first？　Do　they　not　lie　before　the　Supreme　as　one；　and　clean　from　our　petty　divisions？　And　I　myself　had　seen　what；　if　I　could　trust　it；　asserted　the　marvels　that　are　no　marvels　to　those　who　know。

〃You　loved　him？〃

〃I　love　him。〃

〃Then　there　is　nothing　at　all　for　me。〃

She　resumed　as　if　she　had　heard　nothing。

〃I　have　lost　him　for　many　lives。　He　stepped　above　me　at　once；　for　he　was　clean　gold　though　he　fell；　and　though　I　have　followed　I　have　not　found。　But　that　Buddhist　beyond　Islamabad　…　you　shall　hear　now　what　he　said。　It　was　this。　'The　shut　door　opens；　and　this　time　he　awaits。'　I　cannot　yet　say　all　it　means；　but　there　is　no　Lahore　for　me。　I　shall　meet　him　soon。〃

〃Vanna；　you　would　not　harm　yourself　again？〃

〃Never。　I　should　not　meet　him。　But　you　will　see。　Now　I　can　talk　no　more。　I　will　be　there　tomorrow　when　you　go；　and　I　will　ride　with　you　to　the　poplar　road。〃

She　passed　like　a　shadow　into　her　little　dark　cabin；　and　I　was　left　alone。　I　will　not　dwell　on　that　black　loneliness　of　the　spirit；　for　it　has　passed　…　it　was　the　darkness　of　hell；　a　madness　of　jealousy；　and　could　have　no　enduring　life　in　any　heart　that　had　known　her。　But　it　was　death　while　it　lasted。　I　had　moments　of　horrible　belief；　of　horrible　disbelief；　but　however　it　might　be　I　knew　that　she　was　out　of　reach　for　ever。　Near　me　…　yes！　but　only　as　the　silver　image　of　the　moon　floated　in　the　water　by　the　boat；　with　the　moon　herself　cold　myriads　of　miles　away。　I　will　say　no　more　of　that　last　eclipse　of　what　she　had　wrought　in　me。

The　bright　morning　came；　sunny　as　if　my　joys　were　beginning　instead　of　ending。　Vanna　mounted　her　horse　and　led　the　way　from　the　boat。　I　cast　one　long　look　at　the　little　Kedarnath；　the　home　of　those　perfect　weeks；　of　such　joy　and　sorrow　as　would　have　seemed　impossible　to　me　in　the　chrysalis　of　my　former　existence。　Little　Kahdra　stood　crying　bitterly　on　the　bank　…　the　kindly　folk　who　had　served　us　were　gathered　saddened　and　quiet。　I　set　my　teeth　and　followed　her。

How　dear　she　looked；　how　kind；　how　gentle　her　appealing　eyes；　as　I　drew　up　beside　her。　She　knew　what　I　felt。　She　knew　that　the　sight　of　little　Kahdra　crying　as　he　said　good　…　bye　was　the　last　pull　at　my　sore　heart。　Still　she　rode　steadily　on；　and　still　I　followed。　Once　she　spoke。

〃Stephen；　there　was　a　man　in　Peshawar；　kind　and　true；　who　loved　that　Lilavanti　who　had　no　heart　for　him。　And　when　she　died；　it　was　in　his　arms；　as　a　sister　might　cling　to　a　brother；　for　the　man　she　loved　had　left　her。　It　seems　that　will　not　be　in　this　life；　but　do　not　think　I　have　been　so　blind　that　I　did　not　know　my　friend。〃

I　could　not　answer　…　it　was　the　realization　of　the　utmost　I　could　hope　and　it　came　like　healing　to　my　spirit。　Better　that　bond　between　us；　slight　as　most　men　might　think　it；　than　the　dearest　and　closest　with　a　woman　not　Vanna。　It　was　the　first　thrill　of　a　new　joy　in　my　heart　…　the　first；　I　thank　the　Infinite；　of　many　and　steadily　growing　joys　and　hopes　that　cannot　be　uttered　here。

I　bent　to　take　the　hand　she　stretched　to　me；　but　even　as　they　touched；　I　saw；　passing　behind　the　trees　by　the　road；　the　young　man　I　had　seen　in　the　garden　at　Vernag　…　most　beautiful；　in　the　strange　miter　of　his　jewelled　diadem。　His　flute　was　at　his　lips　and　the　music　rang　out　sudden　and　crystal　clear　as　though　a　woodland　god　were　passing　to　awaken　all　the　joys　of　the　dawn。

The　horses　heard　too。　In　an　instant　hers　had　swerved　wildly；　and　she　lay　on　the　ground　at　my　feet。　The　music　had　ceased。

Days　had　gone　before　I　could　recall　what　had　happened　then。　I　lifted　her　in　my　arms　and　carried　her　into　the　rest…house　near　at　hand；　and　the　doctor　came　and　looked　grave；　and　a　nurse　was　sent　from　the　Mission　Hospital。　No　doubt　all　was　done　that　was　possible；　hut　I　knew　from　the　first　what　it　meant　and　how　it　would　be。　She　lay　in　a　white　stillness；　and　the　room　was　quiet　as　death。　I　remembered　with　unspeakable　gratitude　later　that　the　nurse　had　been　merciful　and　had　not　sent　me　away。

So　Vanna　lay　all　day　and　through　the　night；　and　when　the　dawn　came　again　she　stirred　and　motioned　with　her　hand；　although　her　eyes　were　closed。　I　understood；　and　kneeling；　I　put　my　hand　under　her　head；　and　rested　it　against　my　shoulder。　Her　faint　voice　murmured　at　my　ear。

〃I　dreamed　…　I　was　in　the　pine　wood　at　Pahlgam　and　it　was　the　Night　of　No　Moon；　and　I　was　afraid　for　it　was　dark；　but　suddenly　all　the　trees　were　covered　with　little　lights　like　stars；　and　the　greater　light　was　beyond。　Nothing　to　be　afraid　of。〃

〃Nothing；　Beloved。〃

〃And　I　looked　beyond　Peshawar；　further　than　eyes　could　see；　and　in　the　ruins　of　the　monastery　where　we　stood；　you　and　I　…　I　saw　him；　and　he　lay　with　his　head　at　the　feet　of　the　Blessed　One。　That　is　well；　is　it　not？〃

〃Well；　Beloved。〃

〃And　it　is　well　I　go？　Is　it　not？〃

〃It　is　well。〃

A　long　silence。　The　first　sun　ray　touched　the　floor。　Again　the　whisper。

〃Believe　what　I　have　told　you。　For　we　shall　meet　again。〃　I　repeated…

〃We　shall　meet　again。〃

In　my　arms　she　died。

Later；　when　all　was　over　I　asked　myself　if　I　believed　this　and　answered　with　full　assurance　…　Yes。

If　th