the notch on the ax and on being found out-第76节
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there with me in the roomthe great empty room behind me？
Nothing； only the cabinet with its waving doors。 They are waving
to and fro； to and froI know it。 But there is no other life in
the room but thatno； no； no other life in the room but that。
Oh！ don't let the wind stop。 I can't hear anything while it goes
on；but if it stops！ Ah！ the gusts grow weaker； struggling；
forced into rest。 Nownowthey have ceased。
Silence！
A fearful pause。
What is that that I hear？ There； behind me in the room？
Do I hear it？ Is there anything？
The throbbing of my own blood in my ears。
No； no！ There is something as well；something outside myself。
What is it？
Low； heavy； regular。
God！ it isit is the breath of a living creature！ A living
creature！ hereclose to mealone with me！
The numbness of terror conquers me。 I can neither stir nor speak。
Only my whole soul strains at my ears to listen。
Where does the sound come from？
Close behind meclose。
Ah…h！
It is from therefrom the bed where I was lying a moment ago！ 。 。 。
I try to shriek； but the sound gurgles unuttered in my throat。 I
clutch the stone mullions of the window； and press myself against
the panes。 If I could but throw myself out！anywhere； anywhere
away from that dreadful soundfrom that thing close behind me in
the bed！ But I can do nothing。 The wind has broken forth again
now； the storm crashes round me。 And still through it all I hear
the ghastly breathingeven； low； scarcely audiblebut I hear it。
I shall hear it as long as I live！ 。 。 。
Is the thing moving？
Is it coming nearer？
No； no； not that；that was but a fancy to freeze me dead。
But to stand here； with that creature behind me； listening； waiting
for the warm horror of its breath to touch my neck！ Ah！ I cannot。
I will look。 I will see it face to face。 Better any agony than
this one。
Slowly； with held breath； and eyes aching in their stretched
fixity； I turn。 There it is！ Clear in the moonlight I see the
monstrous form within the bed；the dark coverlet rises and falls
with its heaving breath。 。 。 。 Ah！ heaven have mercy！ Is there
none to help； none to save me from this awful presence？ 。 。 。
And the knife…hilt draws my fingers round it； while my flesh
quivers； and my soul grows sick with loathing。 The wind howls； the
shadows chase through the room； hunting with fearful darkness more
fearful light； and I stand looking； 。 。 。 listening。 。 。 。
。 。 。 。 。 。
I must not stand here for ever； I must be up and doing。 What a
noise the wind makes； and the rattling of the windows and the
doors。 If he sleeps through this he will sleep through all。
Noiselessly my bare feet tread the carpet as I approach the bed；
noiselessly my left arm raises the heavy curtain。 What does it
hide？ Do I not know？ The bestial features； half…hidden in coarse；
black growth； the muddy； blotched skin； oozing foulness at every
pore。 Oh； I know them too well！ What a monster it is！ How the
rank breath gurgles through his throat in his drunken sleep。 The
eyes are closed now； but I know them too； their odious leer； and
the venomous hatred with which they can glare at me from their
bloodshot setting。 But the time has come at last。 Never again
shall their passion insult me； or their fury degrade me in slavish
terror。 There he lies； there at my mercy； the man who for fifteen
years has made God's light a shame to me； and His darkness a
terror。 The end has come at last；the only end possible； the only
end left me。 On his head be the blood and the crime！ God
almighty； I am not guilty！ The end has come； I can bear my burden
no farther。
〃Beareth all things； endureth all things。〃
Where have I heard those words？ They are in the Bible； the precept
of charity。 What has that to do with me？ Nothing。 I heard the
words in my dreams somewhere。 A white…faced man said them； a
white…faced man with pure eyes。 To me？no； no； not to me； to a
girl it wasan ignorant； innocent girl； and she accepted them as
an eternal； unqualified law。 Let her bear but half that I have
borne； let her endure but one…tenth of what I have endured； and
then if she dare let her speak in judgment against me。
Softly now； I must draw the heavy coverings away； and bare his
breast to the stroke；the stroke that shall free me。 I know well
where to plant it； I have learned that from the old lady's Italian。
Did he guess why I questioned him so closely of the surest；
straightest road to a man's heart？ No matter； he cannot hinder me
now。 Gently！ Ah！ I have disturbed him。 He moves； mutters in his
sleep； throws out his arm。 Down； down； crouching behind the
curtain。 Heavens！ if he wakes and sees me； he will kill me。 No！
alas！ if only he would。 I would kiss the hand that he struck me
with； but he is too cruel for that。 He will imagine some new and
more hellish torture to punish me with。 But the knife！ I have got
that； he shall never touch me living again。 。 。 。 He is quieter
now。 I hear his breath； hoarse and heavy as a wild beast's
panting。 He draws it more evenly； more deeply。 The danger is
past。 Thank God！
God！ What have I to do with Him？ A God of Judgment。 Ha； ha！
Hell cannot frighten me； it will not be worse than earth。 Only he
will be there too。 Not with him； not with him；send me to the
lowest circle of torment； but not with him。 There； his breast is
bare now。 Is the knife sharp？ Yes； and the blade is strong
enough。 Now let me strikemyself afterwards if need be； but him
first。 Is it the devil that prompts me？ Then the devil is my
friend； and the friend of the world。 No。 God is a God of love。
He cannot wish such a man to live。 He made him； but the devil
spoilt him； and let the devil have his handiwork back again。 It
has served him long enough here； and its last service shall be to
make me a murderess。
How the moonlight gleams from the blade as my arm swings up and
back： with how close a grasp the rough hilt draws my fingers round
it。 Now。
A murderess？
Wait a moment。 A moment may make me free； a moment may make me
that！
Wait。
Hand and dagger droop again。 His life has dragged its slime over
my soul； shall his death poison it with a fouler corruption still？
〃My own soul's warden。〃
What was that？ Dream memories again。
〃Resist； strive； endure。〃
Easy words。 What do they mean for me？ To creep back now to bed by
his side； and to begin living again to…morrow the life which I have
lived to…day？ No； no； I cannot do it。 Heaven cannot ask it of me。
And there is no other way。 That or this； this or that。 Which
shall it be？ Ah！ I have striven； God knows。 I have endured so
long that I hoped even to do so to the end。 But to…day！ Oh！ the
torment and the outrage： body and soul still bear the stain of it。
I thought that my heart and my pride were dead together； but he has
stung them again into aching； shameful life。 Yesterday I might
have spared him； to save my own cold soul from sin； but now it is
cold no longer。 It burns； it burns and the fire must be slaked。
Ay； I will kill him； and have done with it。 Why should I pause any
longer？ The knife drags my hand back for the stroke。 Only the
dream surrounds me； the pure man's face is there； white；
beseeching； and God's voice rings in my heart
〃To him that overcometh。〃
But I cannot overcome。 Evil has governed my life； and evil is
stronger than I am。 What shall I do？ what shall I do？ God； if
Thou art stronger than evil； fight for me。
〃The victory of the Cross is ours。〃
Yes； I know it。 It is true； it is true。 But the knife？ I cannot
loose the knife if I would。 How to wrench it from my own hold？
Thou God of Victory be with me！ Christ help me！
I seize the blade with my left hand； the two…edged steel slides
through my grasp； a sharp pain in fingers and palm； and then
nothing。 。 。 。
。 。 。 。 。 。
VI
When I again became conscious； I found myself half kneeling； half
lying across the bed； my arms stretched out in front of me； my face
buried in the clothes。 Body and mind were alike numbed。 A
smarting pain in my left hand； a dreadful terror in my heart； were
at first the only sensations of which I was aware。 Slowly； very
slowly； sense and memory returned to me； and with them a more vivid
intensity of mental anguish； as detail by detail I recalled the
weird horror of the night。 Had it really happened；was the thing
still there；or was it all a ghastly nightmare？ It was some
minutes before I dared either to move or look up； and then
fearfully I raised my head。 Before me stretched the smooth white
coverlet； faintly bright with yellow sunshine。 Weak and giddy； I
struggled to my feet； and； steadying myself against the foot of the
bed； with clenched teeth and bursting heart； forced my gaze round
to the other end。 The pillow lay there； bare and unmarked save for
what might well have been the pressure of my own head。 My breath
came more freely； and I turned to the window。 The sun had just
risen； the golden tree…tops were touched with light； faint threads
of mist hung here and there across the sky； and the twitteri
